Elder Nelson Fireside

Fireside with Elder and Sister Nelson of the 1^st quorum of the 70 on July 21^st, 2013

Sister Nelson:  The Spanish brought the Catholic religion, so only Asian country that is Christian.  Bottom part is Muslim. The church has been there for 50 years.  The first 4 missionaries there are still alive.  There are now 85 stakes, 2 temples and one being built, 21 missions and 670,000 members out of 97 million people in a land mass as big as Arizona. 

They speak to the MTC there every 6 weeks.  All are going to Asian countries.  880 chapels, 12-20 K people baptized a year.  10 area authorities are from the Philippines.  Over 100 dialects, but almost all speak English.  They are a happy humble people and due to the love of family and having children they accept the gospel.   Michael Tae, the youngest 70 in the church who has only lived in the Philippines is going to Salt Lake City.

They lived in New Zealand for 2 years.  They they go a meeting with everyone.  A picture of their face comes up and they tell you where you are going. 

Elder Nelson:

Mark ch 2- most important thing- I can heal your hearts!

John ch 6 Why point out the bread and fish left over? He is the living bread!  I am the one that can help you.  My Grace is sufficient for all of you and there is enough and to spare. 

Question about blessings:  Exercise agency in all we do.  Ask! We will receive all the father has, after all we can do.  Elder Eyring’s talk in conference mentions Spencer W. Kimball- give me another mountain!  Challenges make us grow.  No challenges – the plan is not working for you.  

Question about China: The Lord can do his own work.  Miss are coming out of China.  The wealthy Chinese are sending their kids to USA, Canada, Australia, and New Zealand to get educated and are joining the church.  We have districts and branches in China.  The church is already there!

Tonga is 45 % LDS.  It’s like Provo.  Samoa has 22 stakes.  He’d rather have his car break down in the Philippines than on Blue Lakes because it’s a very family oriented.  The church struggles with the gospel in other places because they are not family friendly and don’t have kids.

Question about worries:  We live below our spiritual privileges.  Read Elder Oaks talk in the August Ensign.

The principles of Preach my Gospel are now in the new curriculum for youth.

Question about missionaries on Facebook:  The brethren have been trying to combat Satan for the last 10 to 12 years so he doesn't get control over the internet.  We want you on the internet. They have to be on 1 hour a day.  People don’t want us in their homes any more.  They chat, text, send messages.  We are going to trust the missionaries.  They will send Mormon messages to investigators in morning when it’s not productive time.  They make initial contact on line and then they want us in their home.  Soon missionaries will all have I-pads with GPS.  Don’t have to train them; they already know how to use it.   With the change in the missionary age there is 33 thousand more missionaries in 1 year!

Question about Temple building and Money:  The church doesn't spend money until it’s been in the bank for 1 year.  They have to allocate it differently.  Building projects are on hold.  Missionary work is the focus.

We can have personal ministries.  What can we do at the moment that the Holy Ghost tells us?  It’s not about you- your there for others.  Who is your person this week you need to help/touch?  Quit thinking about our life.

Question about Marriage:  Traditional marriage- we are behind the rest of the world in wickedness concerning same sex marriage.  We are not anti-anything. We are pro-marriage. We stand for truth and righteousness.

Question about Pres. Monson: He is 85 years old.  He was a member of the 12 at age 37. He always tell the GA’s  Who the Lord calls he qualifies.   He’s a minister.  He’s not in his office, he’s out ministering. 

Packer says It’s so hard to get old on stage.  We will always have old prophets.  As the world gets worse the Lord is hastening his work.

Ends with his testimony:  Come unto Him,  See, partake, feel, serve, understand.  The More Righteous than they.  Repent, be converted that I may heal you is what he said in 3 Nephi. 

Dad Wanted Twins

Dad was a peaceful man who fought in WWII.  His twin was always picking on him and he took it.  Later in his life he got picked on too and he took it.  Was he a door mat that couldn't stand up for himself or was he just more Christlike than the rest of us, turning the other cheek?  Looking back I think he needed anti-depressants at least the last 20 years of his life.  Ya.  I was 13 when he had his stroke and just days away from turning 33 when he died.  So 20 years is about right.

Dad and I have a strange connection.  Maybe the other 6 kids feel that way too, but here are my stories about him.  Some I have shared before. Others I have not.

1.  I'm here on earth due to him and President Joseph Fielding Smith.  Here you can read about how Dad went to priesthood session and was pricked in his heart with the 'Don't block up the well springs of life", comment from a prophet.

2.  He wrote a poem to the older 5 kids and hung it on the Christmas tree to announce my impending birth.  None of the other kids got that.  The Poem:

Now children Dear, You listen here,

About a gift to the family,

That will come some time

When fireworks are popping;

It may be one, it may be two

But it will keep us all hopping. 

To get things done,

To service a certain covering,

To hold, to comfort, to carry, 

To bundle, to trundle off to bed. 

To feed, to cuddle, to brag on;

It may be him or may be her,

It should  be one or the other. 

It could be both if they be two.

Or both could be one or the other.

It's going to be a little baby,

Brother, or sister, or Twins...

Or something or other. 

Dad was hoping I'd be a twin.  I wasn't, but Sarah was born 18 months latter.

3. I'm the one that was first to find Dad after his stroke.  I came home and the TV was blaring!  He couldn't  get paper in an envelope.  He didn't speak to me.  He tried to start the car with out keys.  We almost got in a car accident on the way to the dentist.

4. I was there when he died, along with Ruth and my mom of course, but mom let me say when to pull the plug.  There were other looks  and words between us that day.  Kind of funny to think of him being the one to say - OK, time for Becky to come to earth and me saying OK, time for dad to go home.

5. I've had experiences with him since he's been gone too.  Times when I know he's aware of me, there or looking down.  He sees me struggling, crying, etc.   I've been told that in a blessing; That he is busy but aware. Thoughts of him will just come out of now where, or scenes will be presented to my minds eye.   I've written about those too on here.  

6. Since moving to Idaho I've had experiences too.  One while praying and crying in Nampa.  In my minds eye came a view of someone tapping Dad on his shoulder and pointing to me kneeling and crying.  He's aware!  Another after the debacle with the Bishop and I was a mess, all of a sudden Dad popped into my head out of no where.  He was aware.  Dad was single for 39 years.  He would  of understand  my pain and told me to  let it go, to turn the other cheek, because that's what he would of done.

Those are my special experiences with dad.  There are other little things I could mention when he was a live to explain our connection, but I don't share it all.  I wonder if my siblings have feelings like I do.  If they feel they have a special connection with dad and what their stories are.

General Conference & How I Came To Be.

My parents are 17 years apart.  Mom was 21 they got married and dad was 39.  They have 5 kids right away and really close together too.  The cord was wrapped around Cindy's neck and there was worries.  Everything turned out just fine though, but they decided to stop with 5 kids.

Fast forward 9 years to April 1971.  It's General Conference time and dad is in Priesthood session.  The prophet is Joseph Fielding Smith.

Joseph Fielding Smith 

He gives a talk entitled: Our Responsibilities As Priesthood Holders.

"I call upon the Church and all it's members to forsake the evils of the world.  We must shun unchastity  and every form of immorality as we would a plague.  We must not dam up the wellsprings of life by preventing childbirth.  We must not be guilty of unrighteous and evil acts of abortion."

The underlined sentence is what pricks my fathers heart goes home and as I like to say had a little "talk" with mom. One year and four months latter Rebecca Lynn enters the world.  18 months latter my sister Sarah comes.  

In recent years I've realized that I owe my life to: 

1. A prophet of God. 

2. My father being in the right place at the right time. 

3. My father listening to the words of the prophet and ACTING. 

4. My Mom (last, but not least!) 

Not only do I owe my life to these things but so does Sarah and her 5 kids.  I'm sure Blake (Sarah's husband) is appreciative. 

My testimony is that General Conference is important and may alter your life in significant ways.  

Dad is still around

My father's birthday is Feb 26th.  He was born in 1917, so he would be 96 this year. I've posted before about moments with my dad on the other side of the veil.  I've had quite a few recently.

A few weeks ago I had that upset week due to what was said to me by the bishop in front of the whole ward council.  I spent sacrament meeting REALLY upset.  In my tears, all of a sudden I thought of dad.  I missed my dad.  I wish my dad was here.  I KNOW he would of felt my pain, he would of understood and not wanted me to suffer in that way.  I know this because of how he acted in the past to things like this that caused me such grief and heart ache.  He would of cried with me. I know he was there, listening to me, hearing me, totally aware of what I was going through. I know I thought of him only, because he was there, watching or actually with me.

I felt nothing from him when I got married.  Nothing.  I know it's because it wasn't right.  And that is sad.

I went to the temple Thursday and the high priest group leader was there.  He was one of the people who also was in the bishopric's office when "it" happened.  He asked me to go to the prayer circle. His wife is not a member.  When I was there, standing next to this thin older brother I thought of dad.  *tears*  I miss my dad.

Dad and Mom, just a month before he died in July of 2006.

This didn't happen recently, but while I lived in Nampa, praying on my bedside crying so hard, I saw in my minds eye, someone tapping dad on the shoulder while he was talking to a group of people, men I think.  The person tapped him and then pointed down at me.  He turned around and witnessed my pain.  I'd like to think the person who tapped him was the Savior, but it's my understanding that he does not reside there.  Either way, it does not matter.  My dad was there and someone, perhaps another family member let my dad know what was going on with me. He seems to be there in times of pain.

I really believe that dad is doing missionary work there.  He was almost always called to be a stake missionary.  He was often trying to be a missionary while on this earth- in his younger years at least. 

It was sad to be in Europe 6 days after we buried him.  I went to WWII places. I finally KNEW what kind of questions to ask and he wasn't there. 

A thought just occurred to me.  I think he is very aware of his family when we are in pain.  When we are happy and things are going good for us spiritually and emotionally (those 2 are tied together) he's busy doing his job. I know that he's busy but aware because a blessing told me so.  I think if I had a spouse that I was sealed to that was on the other side of the veil he would be the one looking in.  I'm sure dad is worried about the married kids when there are hard times, but if they have a spouse who takes good care of them emotionally, is at least trying anyway, then his fatherly responsibility... is well.... It's been taken over by the husband responsibility, because you know... A man should leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife.

So the big message is:

Of this I know! 

Tell the Drama to your Llama!

Guess what-- You're the Llama!

DRAMA ONE    About 2 months ago I could not sleep, so I got up and wrote 2 pages to the couple who introduced Jason  and I, and supposedly counseled us.  What a joke!  The letter was good healing for me and I didn't cry or get angry about them afterwords .... until just a few days ago.  I put some money in my credit union and headed home.  That's when the tears and anger started again and It didn't stop.  I was SO mad at them.  They were clueless about Jason's spending, about the money my mom gave me from my inheritance to pay bills. Double and then some of what he took out of his retirement to pay HIS and OUR bills.   I woke up the  next morning and did the same thing.   I'm not sure what set it off, but I had a mind to just write a letter and this time send it.  Just facts this time.  The first letter was harsh and hurtful and clearly expressed how deeply I was wronged.  I've been fine for 2 days now, but.....

DRAMA TWO   Then there is the issue of "The Talk."   I've been in my current ward for 1 year and 3 months now and have I been asked to speak in sacrament meeting?  NO!  If your married and/or have a cute family then of course they ask you to speak with in like 2 months.  Not us singles.  I've come to realize that it's being a respecter of persons, which is not a good thing.

I like pubic speaking and some years back- maybe 8, I had 4 or 5 talk out lines ready to give if I was ever asked.  I wasn't.  I still have them but I'm sure with new life experiences they would be changed somewhat.
So every day for like 3 to 4 weeks I've been giving the "let me introduce myself" portion of the talk out loud to no one or in my head.  It's not pretty.   It's full of bitterness, looking down at others, trying to prove that I am something or at least WAS something.  That's what I figured out- it's about a self- esteem wack.

I'd mention things about:

How many countries in Europe I'd been to (8).
How many states I've visited (2/3rds)
My Israel and BOM lands cruise. 
Then I tell them about my HUGE family- 7 kids, 26 nieces and nephews, 11 great nieces and nephews.
I'd tell them about how I came to this earth (through my father following the prophet).
I speak about how Twin Falls is clueless about the SA program.
How Idaho is just full of Farmers who have never left the state and know nothing of the outside world.
Of course I mention my wards with millionaires in it.
The CEO of Expedia being in the bishopric, the millionaire stake presidents, single men making 6 figures a year.
I'd point out that men here are so proud of of making 50K at a cheese, dairy or yogurt factory and I cringe.  Cringe because I sure as heck don't want to date them and don't want to live in Idaho the rest of my life and sure as heck don't want to raise kids that have only experienced this, because we couldn't afford it.
I'd tell them how I was a tree hugger, how I'm NOT from Idaho.
I'd mention callings- you know- give them my "church resume"- seminary teacher, temple ordinance worker, my mission. 
I'd tell them that the church was the same everywhere, except for the SA program here in ID.  O gosh I had/have the list of beefs that everyone else is CLUELESS about.
I'd mention my marriage, that it was abusive on 4 different levels.  That I had to come here to heal among strangers.  

Can you feel the pride?  The enmity? So can they. 

I couldn't stop doing this.  It was like an addiction. I didn't know why, and then all of a sudden I realized it was an effort to build me up (or at least knock them down), to show value in my self.  Clearly I didn't have any.  A few weeks previous I remembered what I had learned about 10 years earlier- that men don't find angry and bitter women attractive and this time I learned that neither do women.  While doing my scripture study I did some foot note searches and found out of the blue scriptures that we don't really use for  the topic of pride.  It was good for me, but "the talk" still continued.

One night I couldn't sleep.  I was up crying and doing basically the same thing- reviewing the past.  How was I going to make it stop?  When it hit me- my word for the year- TURN!  Turn from the PAST to the FUTURE.  So... what of my future?

DRAMA THREE   I've been subbing and some days have been good.  The para-ed's have liked me and other's it's been.... I've been... "demanding" of kids that are lazy, not trying, stupid, etc and I have not treated them nicely.  Geese Becky,  didn't you learn your lesson in Gooding?  I mean  do your job and shut up!  Don't insult the kids!  Don't loose patience! And be nice- ya know- like Jesus would. I subbed in HS resource room, but I was also on NO meds. That combination = trouble. I don't have the kindness and patience and ability to make connections with those kids.  I see problems that need to be disciplined, not kids that need to be reached.

I can't be a teacher.  I don't have the patience.  You have to be SO on your toes ALL THE TIME- with class work, behavior, preparing for next day, next week, etc.  It's to much for my brain to handle.   One on one PSR is good.  I've thought about foster care for the money and helping too, but mostly the money.

My future.  What does it hold?  More schooling?  More low paying jobs with no benefits.  Maybe school and then perhaps another failure or another low paying job. What do I do?  The bishop mentioned 'career goals' in his last email to me.  Here's the deal- I don't have career goals.  I never have.  I had the get married and be a mommy career plans.  I kept waiting for that to happen and it never did. Now I'm 40.

I'm working 2 low paying jobs that in a month will go up to almost 15 an hour.  Subbing which is... random and only 65 a day.  And in the summer?  Then what?  I don't have unemployment till Aug 2013.  I need to find a better job.  I need a roommate.  So what did I do?  I filled out applications for low income housing.  I qualify.  I probably qualify for help with heating bills too and also Medicare or caide - what ever it is.  Aren't I just the college grad success story? 

What's fun is my sisters who are judgmental about Ruth and I. What would they be doing with no husband to buy them big homes and trips?  How would their self-esteem be?  Could they go to church every Sunday and feel equal?  Could they support themselves with a pre-school teachers income or what ever they went to school for?  NOPE, but they judge.

I'm judgmental about teachers in Gospel Doctrine.  I didn't participate too much in last weeks SA get together. I played games on my phone instead.  Then there's the SA progam here.... I don't even want to get into that.

The lady who I almost killed on the motorcycle is wanting 1 million dollars from me.  Will they go to mom? Only time will tell.  Mom can give them 1/4 of a million from insurance.

While at times there is a longing to be a super mom, to have a great marriage, mostly I see kids at HS kissing and I want to puke.  I don't like fat guys. I don't like being on top.  I don't the idea of being poor.  Sometimes I'm too bold, too blunt and almost crude at times- in my head mostly. I started a thread on BYU-Idaho Alumni page on FB and it caused some to not be happy.  While there is so much more I want to say to others, I filter.  Scott Mowrer would be proud- his and his million dollar traveling family now.  Ya'd think the rich could throw the poor a bone every once in a while. I love being left behind.

But I'm taking this Llama thing to a gripping session and that's not what I wanted to do.  So I end here.  It's too long.  Most won't read it and I don't have a big readership anyhow.  But it's out there.  Out there for someone to maybe respond.

On a positive note, I'm reading the scriptures every night from the original copy BOM look alike. 

Pre-Mission Missionary Moments

Lets just forget the car/motorcycle accident, the court case coming up, the unemployment fiasco, and the crap with Jason and remember the past. 

When I was little- like preschool little my mom was gone and my brother had to come pick me up from preschool.  We walked the mile or so home as he was not driving yet or the cars were gone or something.  We lived in Minnesota on  Lake Excelsior and we crossed rail road tracks and went over a bridge to get to town.  Minnesota is not a rainy state, but that day it started to POUR.  A trucker stopped to pick us up and so we got in and the guy was smoking, the place smelled like smoke and there was cigarette butts and all on the  and I proceeded to tell him that smoking was bad for you and he shouldn't do that.  Nice thing to say to someone that just saved you from the rain.   My brother was not really thrilled with me, but said nothing.  I mean what do you say to a well meaning, well trained in the ways of the Word of Wisdom child.  That was my first "Stand for Truth and Righteousness" moment in my life.

Then there was my first temple open house in Portland Oregon.  I was 16, not yet driving and my sister and I brought friends.  Mine was not yet a member.  We were in line and of course there was the typical anti-Mormons near by.  A lady in a skirt went to go get some of their material and I shouted "That's false doctrine!"  

I'm proud of those moments.  But what happened?   A few years latter I'm at a Mervyn's jewelry counter   soon after the 1988 Olympics and am  looking down at rings and my "stand for truth and righteous" torch necklace was visible.  The employee at the other side of the counter said something like this:  "That's so cool!  Were you in the Olympics?"  I didn't know what to say when someone asked me.  I'm great at giving unsolicited advice or words of any kind, but someone just asked me a question!  "Ya", I answered nervously as I backed up and away.  I think the conversation kept going, but I don't remember what was said, but I kept backing up, glad to be out of there!  I mean for crying out loud- I didn't even pass out programs at the Olympics! I mean this lady thought I was in the Olympics!  AHHHH.  Yep- missed missionary opportunity!

Then I have my mission call and mom and I are going shoe shopping. We tell the shoe salesman I'm moving to California (where I served my mission) and he says what for?  My response?  "OH, it's a long story!"  My mom looks at me with that look once we are outside the store in the mall and says something to this effect:  "Becky,  You're going on a mission! (dah, mom!)  Your going to have to talk to a lot of people.  Just tell them and if they are interested they will ask questions." 

Once the tag got on, it was easier again.  Not perfect, but easier. 

Life in a Nutshell

1.  I just got home from my first 3 hours at KMart working for Olan Mills trying to sell photography shoots.  I make 9 dollars an hour and every Tue and Wed OM is closed.  If I don't sell anything with in an hour and a half I get sent home, then only get to work that many hours next WEEK.  Crazy huh?  I was struggling with my feet killing me and not really enjoying it but also needing money so badly.

2. I'm on unemployment which is only 161.00 a week.  Not enough to pay the bills, but I am again getting food stamps.  I'm some what concerned with work in the fall.  If G. my little charge from last year moves to Buhl or Twin they have to go with a different company.  There are jobs in Gooding, but it is like an hour a way.  NOT fun!

3. Mr. 64 or scary Gary as I've been calling him (that date I had) did call me back on the next friday to see if I found a ward to go to, but luckily I was at the Department of labor, so really couldn't carry on a conversation.  I told my family about it and the advice was to take charge of the date, set some boundaries of what you will and will not talk about as all that was inappropriate.

The guy from Tennessee has been trying to message me via FB everyday.  He's very flirtatious and I find it annoying.  I un-friended him yesterday.

I got back in touch with the military guy who was all lovey-dovey.  I told him I was not interested in anyone who was not LDS.  He said he was a Mormon and I knew he was just saying that and that now I could not trust him.  He came back with a angry reply so that is over before it began. 

4. I spent last week in Meridian ID where 6 of the 7 kids gathered.  It was lots of fun!  We ate dinner every night at a family members home who lives there, talked and laughed till it got dark every night, then planned the next day.  There was no pressure, so assignments,  just relaxing fun.  We floated the Boise River.  I stayed with mom and so did my oldest sister, her daughter-in-law and her 3 kids.

Sarah brought her new dog Pepper,  I had my 2 dogs and of course there was Sadie the 13 year old Golden Retriever.  It was fun with them all.

We met Melissa's new soon to be husband Griffin.  Marriage on August 11 in the Las Vegas Temple.  The first kiss was there, the proposal was there and then the marriage.  Coolest story ever.  We also met Jessica's boy friend Chad.  

There will be pictures forthcoming.

5. I'm back to living alone.  Yentl moved out and I really need a roommate. I've advertised on Craigs list and I only get scammers which now I don't  respond to.

6. I met with my stake president about a lack of a SA program and he said that he doesn't know what to do with the 30 to 50 group.  I gave him some ideas, some info, etc.  He said I was inspired to come to see him.  I've been thinking about doing that for 3 weeks.   Who know what will happen.

I AM FROM ( a poem and pictures)

After reading this blog post, I had to write one too!

Where I’m From

I am from a quilt making, sewing mom and a bee

Keeping, welding dad, and mismatched furniture.

I am from a big blue van traveling to Utah

to see extended family every year.

I am from hard working, gardening,

house painting, tree felling, home fixing doers, not payers.

Becky and Sarah 1980, I was almost 8.

I am from Minnesota snows, frozen Lake Excellesior

and wearing long johns under my dress, with boots.

driving a half hour or more to church.  

I am from hot summers and geese poop lawns,
mosquitoes bites and bats inside. 

I am a dog lover, the first three, all black named

Tinta, (German for black ink) Wang Ho(Chinese for Yellow River) 

and Beaker (from my silliness.) 

I am from older siblings, temple marriages

and lots of babies, becoming an aunt at age 7.

I am from a Ricks College first family,

then BYU, (expect for me who went to USU)

I am from German songs and family history

stories, Book of Mormon reading, and full tithe payers. 

I am from Seattle Temple ordinance and office workers,

family putting church first above all else.  

Never missing days of early morning seminary,

mutual activities, and girls camp. 

All of us in 1977. I was 5.

I am from Great Depression and WWII Army

frugal parenting, not wasting food or rusted nails

or thousands of old keys and making cookies instead of buying. 

I am from the clean plate club, eating everything that was served, 

including oatmeal every Thursday morning, blueberry pies and jello.

I am from service giving mom and scripture reading dad,

Public schools, average grades, but lots of personal reading.

I am from thumb sucking, depression, insecurities,

babysitting my life away, fearing men and boys. 

I am not silly Sarah, but funny Becky. 

From the picture above:
Mark #4, Ruth #2, Cindy #5, Karl #3
Mom, Sarah #7, Dad, me #6, Beth #1

Reality and Fears

There have been a few times when I've cried at work. Sometimes my clients notice, sometimes they don't. The sadness about my life can be overwhelming and I feel as though I screwed it up badly and it can't be fixed completely, but I don't know for sure. Here's why I feel this way.

The biggest reason is that I screed it up. It's my fault. I knew better, but I did wrong anyway. Jason and I were very intimate with each other before me got married. We didn't go 'all the way'. Our dating life consisted of movies, food and nakedness. We got some advice to marry rather than break my covenants. So we did. This is difficult for me because of 2 blessings I've had in the past, one being my patriarchal blessing that says this: A young man will come into your life to help you in the teachings of your children and through his love will help you develop some of your greater attributes. That's all it says about a man. I always thought it was a pretty good sentence. There's a whole paragraph about children. Two years before I got married I got a blessing from Jeff Thompson, my seminary teacher of 4 years, my friends father and his wife was my merry miss teacher and YW president. He gives amazing blessings that are often prophetic. This one that is 2.5 pages typed out single spaced (we always record them) said: "He(the Lord) will not allow you to fail in anyway; as long as you continue to work diligently to live the commandments to do those things that you have been placed here to do. ... You still have the opportunity to one day be sealed to a worthy husband".

To read about WHY we should stay morally clean before marriage read this- it's great!

I feel as if I failed, that I screwed up the plan. I know he knows the end from the beginning and perhaps this is part of the path, or that he knew what I'd do. The difficulty is knowing that the pains that I'm suffering now are due to my sins. There is so much that is tied to this, that I just don't know how to take any of those blessings any more. There are no men in my life that give those kinds of blessings anymore. I want one so badly. Some sort of message of sins forgiven or will be forgiven, that those things can still be achieved or if I ruined it. Some guidance and direction of what I should do, where I should head, what I should focus on.

I went to a few single adult activities recently and the ratios are terrible. One fireside had 25 women and 3 men. Another activity was more like 50 women and 12 men. There are women much prettier than me. They are thinner, have longer hair and their faces are pretty. will I ever have a chance to be married again? Doesn't look like it. It's depressing to think that I could possibly be single for the rest of my life, not ever be a mother and fulfill the measure of my creation.

I will need to find a way to support myself for the rest of my life. My family has helped me out so much, I don't know that I can say I've ever done it completely on my own. When mom is gone who will I call just to talk to, or go to for money when I'm desperately in need and can't do it myself? I can probably forget about traveling. I will have to find a way to be happy being single again, to find fulfillment in my life. I will be the single woman who most will think I never married, although I did and he still wants me. Will I regret leaving? Will there always be this feeling over my head of what I did, what I didn't do and how I screwed it up. How will feel about myself?

One other thing is the loss of friends. I left the area I've lived as a child/teenager for 10 years and then anther 10 as an adult, with about 10 in between the 2.

Often it's overwhelming and I beg for mercy, for help,and relief from the Master himself.

But all I can do is this:

Family: A Celebration

Before I got married I was an ardent supporter of The Family: A Proclamation to the World. I had a strong desire to be married, to have a family and knew that was the right thing to do. I didn't have my own, but the principles taught therein were true and correct and the world needed them. I did not shy away from any talk or lesson or blog or anything that taught this.

But then I got married. I knew it was not right. It was not happy, not righteous, not at all what this proclamation spoke of, and so l left my marriage. Now I'm single again and do not know what will happen to me in the future. There is this sadness, a sense of failure to something I believed in and wanted. While the principles and doctrine are still true it's harder to hear and read about it and families and such. I'm still healing.

But there are 4 great women who are putting on a 2 week Celebration of Family and the Proclamation online in their blogs. I read 2 of them regularly, 1 of them occasionally, and the last one- today is my fist time. They are:

http://beinglds.blogspot.com/ We Talk of Christ, We Rejoice In Christ
http://www.theredheadedhostess.com
http://chocolateonmycranium.blogspot.com/
http://rovinroberts.blogspot.com/ Welcome to the Madness

Every day their posts will be about some aspect about the Proclamation. You might want to tune in! Printable, prizes, stories and lessons will all be apart of it!

While it's hard for me, not having a spouse or children. I still believe in it. I still know it's true. It's hard, but I will try and celebrate too.

Back to Green!

Cindy and Mike let me go camping with them, Amber and Sadie the dog the weekend before the 4th of July. We drove about 2 hours up to McCall Idaho, cute tourist town and near Ponderosa State Park.

Check out this double circle rainbow around the sun! Amazing!

This is Sadie the 12 year old Golden Retriever sitting outside the "don't get me bugs" eating tent. Cindy and Amber are inside! This was my first time camping with a dog and made me realize that with all the people walking by with or with out their dogs Coco wouldn't do well. He'd bother everyone with his barking. We did take Sadie swimming for a short while in the Payette Lake

Mike, the grill master. We had Hobo dinners. Ya know- meat, potatoes, carrots, and unions in tin foil. Yummy!

This little brand new beauty is why we had to go. It was just purchased a few days before we left and fit all 4 of us. Funny shape huh. But it has a bathroom, shower, stove, over, microwave, TV and DVD player too. I was not for the TV and DVD player- that's not camping.
But the rest was nice!

Amber was modeling it for me!

This is on the shores of McCall. We went into a few small shops- a rock shop that was amazing, a glass shop with FUNNY sayings too.

Do you see the green trees, and the blue sky, and the mountains with snow on top and the lake. It was like being home for a while!
Lots of deep breaths!

The help I have had

At mom's birthday party at her house the end of May.

He's a small update on the Bishop/RS thing. Next Sunday the Bishop gave me an envelop. Inside it was 4 fifty dollar bills. No note, nothing. I still decided to send him the packet of information from church magazines and a few from the internet about depression, but with out the note telling him I didn't think he was acting as a bishop. I apologized to the RS president via email, but got a suggestion to bring her cookies. I haven't done that yet. I pretty much ignore her because I feel so childish, psychotic, un-loveable, etc. I feel like I did it wrong. The ward does not know me, at least not the fun loving, wise cracking, making people laugh me. Instead they know the "my life sucks" me. To late now. I will have to prove myself from here on out. I emailed the Bishop this week asking to receive a calling. I need to feel a part of the ward, to make friends beside the retired bunch.

I got the internet up this week, thanks to my brother in law Mike. He was on the phone for an hour talking to pain in the butt people, while Cindy helped me frost my hair. I think it was the next day while sitting in front of the computer how much help I really have had, from family at least. I have gone over to there house sometimes daily to use the internet, print out copies of my resume. I have eaten their food and they have let me bring my dogs to the back yard to play with Sadie their dog. I flew here for one weekend before I moved and Mike spent more than one day driving me around to look for places to live. He helped me with cover letters, adding touches to my resume, etc. They have been invaluable! I owe them at least an ink refill! I have called in crying times not knowing what to do and they have been there for me. Let me tell you. Blessing are on the way for them!

Take for instance Mark, my brother. He lives in Nampa, but flew into Seattle to help my mom load up the U-Haul and drive it to Idaho. Him and I, just the 2 of us, pretty much loaded my life into a 17 foot U-Haul. Mike or Mark drove the U-Haul for me, while I drove my car. Before we got there, he had contacted his Bishop and had him pass on the message that help was needed and before the truck even showed up a bunch of people were there. It was unloaded in 30 min.
I have just stopped by some Saturday's and Holly has invited me to eat dinner. We have had hamburgers all 3 times I showed up. They make a good burger! :) Holly came and helped me with my house things, vacuumed my floor and taken me to the temple twice.

Mom has let me use her computer, her washer and dryer and let me eat her chocolate bars, her ice cream and sugar cones, has made me lunch and yesterday she came to my house to vacuum and bring me shorts she fixed for free for a grouchy legal blind man I work for.

I'm sure I've missed some of the wonderful things they have done to help, but they have helped and that's why I came to be with family- for support during this very difficult time in my life.

Thank goodness for them!

I'm Here!

I'm here in Nampa Idaho. Things are mostly set up in my place. I've been lost quite a bit here. I've sent some resumes in for jobs. That is what I need the most. My family has been great. I've seen someone everyday so far out of help or necessity.

About 12 people-men, one teenage girl and one little primary boy helped unload the U-Haul in 1/2 hour! The bishop and elders quorum pres was in the bunch. Mike set up my bed so I had a place to lay my head and the next morning was church. I got ready to go a mid much emotion, and got turned around and finally found the church which should of taken me 5 min to get there. I was 45 min late, but caught most of the last speaker. Every one was SO nice, introducing themselves. The building is 2 stories with lots of stairs and a strange lay out! We won't be long as some re-modeling will be taking place soon. There is no elevator! The ward is large- out to the gym with chairs. Lots of babies and children but lots of older people too. The RS president came and talked to me. I got a call yesterday from someone who gave me help with finding a job. This ward should be a blessing.

The dogs are doing GREAT. The last 2 nights, Parker instigated playing, which they haven't done for months. They have a fenced in yard of wood, so Coco can't see out and bark at people or other animals. Of course Parker found where he can get out, but mike fixed that yesterday after he mowed my sad excuse for a lawn. It's nice to be able to leave them outside when I'll be gone for hours. The entry way is covered so they will have shelter in what ever weather comes. And the best of all news is they are not sleeping with me, as they did before.

My mail man is LDS. He ran into Mark and Holly on Monday when they came to help. Mark is my brother, who just turned 50. He thought that Mark was my dad! No, he's my brother and I'm heading on 40. Ok- I'll be 39 in a few months, but close enough!

The tears have lessened considerably and often I am happy, but it doesn't seem to last all day. Sadness creeps in till it's pretty obvious. But tomorrow is another day and soon I won't have a list of things to do just to survive, I won't get lost, I'll have a job and friends too!

Yes, men and women who turn their lives over to God will find out that he can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He will deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, raise up friends, and pour out peace. Whoever will lose his life to God will find he has eternal life. - Ezra Taft Bensen

A Change in Venue

I'm currently in Boise Idaho finding a place to live and work- By myself! I've left Jason and we are divorcing. It has been a difficult decision, but I have been SO unhappy the whole marriage. I cannot support myself there in the expensive Seattle area. I will be moving with my mom next weekend, but not moving in with her. I'm taking my dogs, thank goodness. I'm so glad to have them in my life! I love them. My sister Cindy lives in Meridian with her husband and 2 daughters, the boys are married. My brother Mark and his family of six kids with only 4 at home is here in Nampa. So I will have family here to support me in this difficult time. I know I'm doing the right thing. It's been a long time coming, but I just haven't had the courage to do it. The support of family and friends has been immense. I never expected to be divorced, at 38 and 39 years old. But it's better than being miserably married.

My mission president was right- it goes in this order:

• Happily Married
• Happily Single
• Miserably Single
• Miserably Married

I have hope that someday someone will come into my life that is the right person, but I know that I need to wait at least a year to date to heal from this wound that has been the hardest thing in my life to date.

Great Easter Stuff

A blog about every day about the Saviors life a week and a half before the crucifixion and the resurrection. Worth the read!!!!

From Mormon Radio: an Easter Creche

Not about Easter, but the Proclamation on the Family and how to memorize the whole thing- even for kids! Awesome!

You'll find some awesome crafts and teaching tools for kids about Easter here. you may have to scroll down.

here- an Easter book to download for kids. More Easter stuff for kids: books, crafts, etc.

We'll many of these links go to the same place and on the left hand side is all of the EASTER activities for kids! LOVE IT!