Friday, September 30, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
I go home so emptied of hope for a future with a man and a family. There are so many choices for the men and I'm just not that pretty, thin, or have a great career. It's really depressing. I know I need to focus on healing and finding myself again, getting my confidence back. It's hard because the phone calls and texts have still been going on with Jason. I know I shouldn't answer or reply. He basically begs me to come back, calls me beautiful, apologizes for yelling and says he'll never do it again, but during the day when I think of him, its the negative stuff. If I go back it would be out of fear of never finding anyone, spending the rest of my life alone, and because he's so sad and wants me. It's not about love. I'm sure I'd go back and be depressed still and want to leave again.
So,what is a girl to do? I shared in the fireside tonight about if you look for the qualities and attributes of the Godhead your faith will increase in them. It's true, when I did it for years. I started to believe, to really believe in the promises he'd made to me for year - 17 promises of marriage and family and it got me to where I was when I met Jason. I was OK with being single, had men to flirt with, but had faith in those promises. But now...... I just don't know what to believe, what to pray for, what to do.
Sometimes I want to be a hermit and hide from the rest of the world. I'm sobbing right now as I type this. I wasn't planning on doing a post like his.
My life is depressing. I work with depressing people, and if I get this job I will need to be under constant vigilance of the mentally ill, disabled person I'll be with. That doesn't sound much like a life. I used to wonder what my patriarchal blessing said when it mentioned "those that are less fortunate" than me. We'll that was silly- heck- just wait a year or two and boom- it's completely clear.
I was such a joke thinking before that I was at the "top of my game" as Elder Gardner put it, because I didn't marry the wrong person, didn't have a failed marriage, or children, or baggage. I need to just stop thinking anything and then nothing will happen to me.
Friday, September 23, 2011
2. I have the right to put myself first.*
3. I have the right to be safe.
4. I have the right to love and be loved.
5. I have the right to be treated with respect.
6. I have the right to be human- not perfect.
7. I have the right to be angry and protest if I am treated unfairly or abusively by anyone.
8. I have the right to my own privacy.
9. I have the right to my own opinions, to express them, and to be taken seriously.
10. I have the right to earn and control my own money.
11. I have the right to ask questions about anything that affects my life.
12. I have the right to make decisions that affect me.
13. I have the right to grow and change, and that includes changing my mind.
14. I have the right to say NO
15. I have the right to make mistakes
16. I have the right not to be responsible for other adults' problems and feelings.
17. I have the right not to be liked by everyone.
18. I have the right to control my own life and to change it if I am not happy with it as it is.
*This 2nd right may seem to be selfish. However, it does not mean not considering others or taking the last crust of bread from your children. It does mean that you must love and respect yourself first before you can, with a healthy balance, give of yourself to others in the most effective way.
This is something we got the second night of the pattern changing class. It's on my bedroom wall and sometimes I have to remind myself of these. It's helped so much. For instance I was reading a blog about Visiting Teaching and how one woman said something that hurt another woman and she asked to have a new VT. The woman who got 'fired' was all worried and spoke to the Relief Society President about it. So many women left comments about similar experiences, but because of this knowledge, my comment didn't flow in the same vein as the others. Instead I shared right # 17. I could of just as well told her about # 16. Those rights could of ceased her worrying. She could of just let it go not letting it stress her out or feel bad. I'm finding so many things that could be of no concern with just these 2 rights.
Take for instance a column on Meridian Magazine that basically stirs up issues we face in Mormon land. Issues such as complaining about teenagers wearing formal attire in church mtgs, is the priesthood a moving company, the same people being called to leadership callings. While everyone has their opinions about it does it really matter? Is it really that big of an issue? Can you just let it go?
It's helped with work and the dysfunctional people I take care of. I have become so involved in the past by solving problems, spending money, researching solutions, being a mediator and a guide, giving suggestions. Those are all good things, but it is suppose to be a professional relationship. The boundaries I'm learning and right # 16 has helped me take a step back and just let be what is. It's not my home, my children, my problems and regardless of what I say or do, I don't have to do anything but my job. I don't have to take it on my shoulders and try to fix it all. I don't have to be responsible for other adults problems and feelings.
It could help with a mom who has taken no time for her self for years to not feel guilty when she finally does do something just for her. She can put herself first (#2). In fact we are encouraged in our class to give ourselves a gift weekly. I'm not talking about buying yourself something, but letting yourself take a nap, read a good book, go swimming at the lake, call a friend. It could be a purchase too, like buying yourself flowers, or a new pair of shoes you've been wanting. The whole idea is to take care of yourself! It's even better if you can do it a few times a week or even daily.
We talked about these in class last Thursday again and how when we don't do do these things it's like were high school students getting in everyone's business, handling things with contempt, getting our feelings hurt, hurting others feelings, over reacting, etc. So many problems at home and in nations would be solved if we just lived these rights and let others live them too. They are everyone's rights. The only thing our teacher tells us is these rights and boundaries will not work with a batterer. If fact he/she may become more dangerous. It only works with emotionally healthy people.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
You may have read THIS post from a few months ago. Every time I thought about it I would cry and get mad. I finally did something about it and here’s how it went down.
I went to a fireside for mid-singles (31-45) and somehow since it was an area 70 speaking thought I could give this to the stake president. I gave it to the area authority and he gave it to the stake president. I spoke with him before I spoke to the 70’d telling him I had tried to get a hold of him via his executive secretary by phone and email. No reply. I tried the emails for the 2 counselors. No reply. There was no contact info for the Stk. Pres. I was not happy with his response and so I gave the note to Elder Nachess. He gave it to the Stk. President. I guess that’s what they do. The next week the Stake Exec. Secretary sought me out, got my phone number and had me make an appointment for the very next week. I knew I would need to pray about this as I was still upset.
That night I found a list on Pinterest called “spiritual directory assistance”. I went through the list and found some that applied to me.
When you want to be treated better: 3 Nephi 14:9 (I found 7-12 helpful to me)
12 Therefore, all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, ado ye even so to them, for this is the law and the prophets.
Somehow this led me to, or I thought of Mosiah 4:19, 21-22
For behold, are we not all abeggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have, for both food and raiment, and for gold, and for silver, and for all the riches which we have of every kind?
21 And now, if God, who has created you, on whom you are dependent for your lives and for all that ye have and are, doth grant unto you whatsoever ye ask that is right, in faith, believing that ye shall receive, O then, how ye ought to aimpart of the substance that ye have one to another.
22 And if ye ajudge the man who putteth up his petition to you for your substance that he perish not, and condemn him, how much more just will be your bcondemnation for withholding your substance, which doth not belong to you but to God, to whom also your life cbelongeth; and yet ye put up no petition, nor repent of the thing which thou hast done.
How could a bishop have forgotten these principles? Did the Savior turn anyone away? Did he limit the help? Did he say“only so much and no more?”
Then 3 days latter I found these:
When you are unhappy with a leader: Mormon 9:31
Condemn me not because of mine aimperfection, neither my father, because of his imperfection, neither them who have written before him; but rather give thanks unto God that he hath made manifest unto you our imperfections, that ye may learn to be more wise than we have been.
D&C 64:9 Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to aforgive one another; for he that bforgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.
Then I went to my “changing patterns” class and learned about anger.
When you’re angry think ‘Will it benefit me or hurt me?’
Anger can ruin your life.
Anger is usually a strategy for dealing with a more fundamental experience. Anger is often a reaction to some kind of frustration or thwarted need.
The major problem associated with the expression of anger is that expressing anger typically escalates conflict and alienates the person who is the target of the anger. It is unlikely to influence the target of your anger in a positive way.
Anger is a choice and therefore controllable.
Using emotionally charged words that convey anger and hostility only makes you feel bad and doesn’t solve anything. … you will feel better if you use neutral or descriptive rather than emotionally charged or judgmental words.
No one taught me these principles. I had learned some on my own in my marriage. I was learning some now. I wish I had learned 30 years ago, but better late than never.
Other thoughts about anger and the like:
Rudeness is the weak person’s imitation of strength.
If you’re going to act like a turd, go lay in the yard!
The meeting with the Stake President went well. He complimented me on how I handled it. Usually he gets people all up in arms- how I wanted to be, but thankfully was not. He also said I did the right thing and asked if him teaching him is what I’m looking for. Yes.
I said I knew why the focus the church is talking on self reliance, but that these are hard times and people with college educations don’t have jobs. I told him about my experience in Washington and the other stories I’ve heard about Idaho. I don’t understand the discrepancy, especially since ID seems to be much poorer a state then WA. I mentioned to him the scripture about asking for bread and fish, about the church sending millions to vaccinate whole countries in Africa. What I wish I had told him was what someone else told me: that the church welfare program is the temporal atonement- doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves. The Savior never let anyone go hungry even when he only had 5 loaves and 2 fishes.
He explained the Bishop had a good heart, perhaps was dealing with many welfare cases and perhaps I caught him on a bad day. When he speaks with the Bishop, he will have the bishop contact me and we will talk.
I suppose that is another post.
Meridian magazine had this article that I thought applied called "Persecuting the Poor."
"....the Church of Christ should be and is interested in the temporal salvation of man."
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
The biggest reason is that I screed it up. It's my fault. I knew better, but I did wrong anyway. Jason and I were very intimate with each other before me got married. We didn't go 'all the way'. Our dating life consisted of movies, food and nakedness. We got some advice to marry rather than break my covenants. So we did. This is difficult for me because of 2 blessings I've had in the past, one being my patriarchal blessing that says this: A young man will come into your life to help you in the teachings of your children and through his love will help you develop some of your greater attributes. That's all it says about a man. I always thought it was a pretty good sentence. There's a whole paragraph about children. Two years before I got married I got a blessing from Jeff Thompson, my seminary teacher of 4 years, my friends father and his wife was my merry miss teacher and YW president. He gives amazing blessings that are often prophetic. This one that is 2.5 pages typed out single spaced (we always record them) said: "He(the Lord) will not allow you to fail in anyway; as long as you continue to work diligently to live the commandments to do those things that you have been placed here to do. ... You still have the opportunity to one day be sealed to a worthy husband".
I feel as if I failed, that I screwed up the plan. I know he knows the end from the beginning and perhaps this is part of the path, or that he knew what I'd do. The difficulty is knowing that the pains that I'm suffering now are due to my sins. There is so much that is tied to this, that I just don't know how to take any of those blessings any more. There are no men in my life that give those kinds of blessings anymore. I want one so badly. Some sort of message of sins forgiven or will be forgiven, that those things can still be achieved or if I ruined it. Some guidance and direction of what I should do, where I should head, what I should focus on.
I went to a few single adult activities recently and the ratios are terrible. One fireside had 25 women and 3 men. Another activity was more like 50 women and 12 men. There are women much prettier than me. They are thinner, have longer hair and their faces are pretty. will I ever have a chance to be married again? Doesn't look like it. It's depressing to think that I could possibly be single for the rest of my life, not ever be a mother and fulfill the measure of my creation.
I will need to find a way to support myself for the rest of my life. My family has helped me out so much, I don't know that I can say I've ever done it completely on my own. When mom is gone who will I call just to talk to, or go to for money when I'm desperately in need and can't do it myself? I can probably forget about traveling. I will have to find a way to be happy being single again, to find fulfillment in my life. I will be the single woman who most will think I never married, although I did and he still wants me. Will I regret leaving? Will there always be this feeling over my head of what I did, what I didn't do and how I screwed it up. How will feel about myself?
One other thing is the loss of friends. I left the area I've lived as a child/teenager for 10 years and then anther 10 as an adult, with about 10 in between the 2.
Often it's overwhelming and I beg for mercy, for help,and relief from the Master himself.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Before I got married I was an ardent supporter of The Family: A Proclamation to the World. I had a strong desire to be married, to have a family and knew that was the right thing to do. I didn't have my own, but the principles taught therein were true and correct and the world needed them. I did not shy away from any talk or lesson or blog or anything that taught this.
But then I got married. I knew it was not right. It was not happy, not righteous, not at all what this proclamation spoke of, and so l left my marriage. Now I'm single again and do not know what will happen to me in the future. There is this sadness, a sense of failure to something I believed in and wanted. While the principles and doctrine are still true it's harder to hear and read about it and families and such. I'm still healing.
But there are 4 great women who are putting on a 2 week Celebration of Family and the Proclamation online in their blogs. I read 2 of them regularly, 1 of them occasionally, and the last one- today is my fist time. They are:
http://beinglds.blogspot.com/ We Talk of Christ, We Rejoice In Christ
http://rovinroberts.blogspot.com/ Welcome to the Madness
Every day their posts will be about some aspect about the Proclamation. You might want to tune in! Printable, prizes, stories and lessons will all be apart of it!
While it's hard for me, not having a spouse or children. I still believe in it. I still know it's true. It's hard, but I will try and celebrate too.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
I got a job at Petco today as a assistant groomer. I'll be washing and brushing the dogs. In 3 to 6 months I can start training to be a groomer. With out this I'd have to go to school. It's about 32 hours a week. I'll be off every night at 6 and is in Nampa, next to the Costco, Target and across the freeway from Winco! Everyone seems nice there so far.
I'll try and make the 2 jobs work together, but I suspect that I will cut out some hours- hopefully the ones in Boise so it's less driving.
I've also made another decision. I will not be going to the "divorce care" group. Time is so precious and if you're not filling my bucket, forget it! I have other books to read, other people to be with that do fill my bucket. So, the book goes back and the money comes back too! I feel good about this. It makes the decision easier to tell them it's because of a job. I brought treats in last time, so I think that was a good send off!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
What they are teaching I've been getting every Sunday for my whole life. How to handle problems and a support system for doing so is already in place. I go to church for 3 hours, study the scriptures there where we all participate and think, not just listen to some one else expound. We are encouraged to read scriptures ourselves, to VT, to .... the list goes on. Think of it- what the prophets say, what the books say in RS, in Gospel doctrine, etc. Think of all the books we've been through all these years and the things we've gleamed. What they are offering me is not new to me at all. Besides the fact that marriage and divorce takes on a deeper meaning to us.
So I'm glad I figured it out. Will I keep going? I don't know. I'll take it week by week.
Friday, September 2, 2011
This picture says some of what I'm trying to explain here. In my pattern changing class we've talked about boundaries. I've read the home work a lot, made posters for my house and have been practicing them. It's helpful. It makes life easier. Here's the information I've places on my walls.
How to Maintain Personal Boundaries:
1. Ask directly for what you want.
2. Forster inner self-nurturance
3. Observe others behavior towards you and take it as information.
4. Maintain a bottom line (how many times you'll let______________ happen)
5. Change the locus of trust from others to oneself.
Do not waste time on injustices you have no control over. Focus on goals and forget the rest.
Control of another vs. Honor of another.
Clear boundaries = freedom.
The most important things to learn from this class are:
*The bill of rights
- act of out compliance and compromise.
- are manipulated by flattery so that you loose objectivity.
- commit yourself as long as the other needs you. (no bottom line)
All of this has helped a lot. I've not answered phone calls, told people other ways to get help besides me and it's made a difference in how I've felt.
I got this information from these books: