Monday, April 29, 2013

Insight Into Me: Emotional vs. Professional

I got on this new med a few weeks ago and instantly it worked.  It's been a few weeks now and I feel silly for waiting this long to go to a doctor and say I'm on this med and it's not working.  I thought it was just my life situations, yet I could not see a way out of being me.  I didn't have these problems to this extent in Washington.  I know I can't blame Idaho for it. I feel and handle the marriage and debt thing differently after almost 2 years, so I just didn't know what to do.  While it has not fixed my need to speed while driving, it has fixed my instinct to get mean and angry. 

For instance I could not for the life of me stop being angry at the kids at Gooding HS. I could not stop myself from saying insulting things to those kids. I was just as stupid as they were, just in a different way.  I sabotaged myself, it would seem.

I've been fired 3 times from 3 different PSR companies in 10 months. PSR stands for psychosocial rehabilitation.  It is a job that has no handbook, no how-to manual or even a PSR for dumbies book.  It's assumed that because you have a 4 year degree in something related to psychology that you know how to deal with people with mental illnesses.  Illnesses that are for the most part not medicated.

I did the job for 1.5 years.  A week before I lost the last position I thought to myself "I'm finally getting this. I finally know how to do this job!".  Ironic or just bad timing?  I had done lots of research and found resources, but the learning curve was pretty big and in reality it goes back to me, for I've learned also that it's about boundaries. I've had terrible boundaries in my personal as well as professional life.  Depressing to think about that at age 40 I'm finally getting it. Once again I am a late bloomer.

I've made some of the same mistakes with subbing too- the boundary ones.  For subbing it's like a continuum.  Enemy on one end, personal control in the middle and friend on the opposite end.  I've been everywhere on the line, but now I really SEE HOW to BE so as not to be on the negative ends professionally.

Enemy_______ Personal Control________Friend

I've finally been able to turn to prayer too.  Real, on my knees by my bed, what I need prayer.  It's been since 2009 since I've had daily prayer like that.  Maybe that too is due to the meds?   What ever it is I'm thankful.  Thankful and when I think too long about it, I worry about not doing it on my own. But for now I'm releaved.   It seems I've been a new person and it's a better me, not worse.

Sometimes it's felt like I've been a wave in the ocean, up and down, crashing or building, but no happiness of just floating and enjoying the water and sun.  Happiness is heavily tied to life satisfaction.  I hope to find some satisfaction soon. 

Friday, April 12, 2013

My Civil Disobedience (as Seth would put it)


video
I'm in the video!  The dog is Coco!  This town of 44K is not big enough for me.  I need a bigger place to hide.  I'm always getting in trouble.

Can't see the video?  Me neither.  Here is a link: http://www.kmvt.com/news/local/Twin-Falls-Animal-Control-Keeping-Busy--202613261.html

What they didn't show (I didn't know I was being filmed) was that I had the dog who runs on a leash and Coco, the brown dog went 10 to 15 feet from me due to a motorcycle and that when I walked back to the car he followed right along. While that does not excuse me breaking the law, it shows that there are some situations where It's perfectly safe to do so.

The above is what I posted in response.  But what it really says is there is a need to have a off leash dog park and the city and parks and recreation will not support it.  

Here are the responses on facebook: 

Sunday, April 7, 2013

One Day You Will

Martina McBride has this song, that I've really loved in the past and have recently rediscovered. 

 "One Day You Will"

I am timeless, I am patient
I'm beside you and above
I'm the words when you need comfort
I'm the feeling you call love

You say that you can take or leave me
You think right now that you don't need me
Some way, somehow young heart believe me
One day you will
One day you will


You're a vessel, your a temple
You're a journey just begun
You're a young one who is running
You are destined to find love

And when you're lost, that's when you'll find me
We can't see till we are blinded
It's already all been decided
That one day you will
One day you will

You say that you can take or leave me
You think right now that you don't need me
Some way, somehow young heart believe me
One day you will
One day you will
One day you will

I am timeless, I am patient
I'm the feeling you call love

To me the song is spiritual.  It's about the Holy Ghost and the Lord having a plan for my life that includes love.  

There is no real video for this song, but here is the link to one of just pictures of her, so you can at least hear the song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xSsKXvMdZKc