Friday, March 30, 2012

Five for Friday #4

I don't have breast cancer.
I don't even have cysts. 
I have extra fatty lumpy tissue, which is an eye roller since I'm so small breasted. 

While I was at the office waiting for things to be done, I of course picked up a magazine and read a Dr. Oz article about anxiety.  Here are the 5 symptoms and if you have even one go to the Dr, the good Dr. said.
1. Chest pains accompanying stress (one of the reasons I went and got a breast exam.
2. Unable to function in  daily routines (does falling asleep at work count?) .
3. Fears and worries about multiple things I can't control. ( I guess I have some control over some things)
4. Repeated flashback or memories of traumatic events (not just of the last 3 years, but all through out my life).
5. Feelings of doom, panic, light headedness or rapid or irregular breathing (I've for sure had the 'my life is doomed' feeling).
I spoke to the Dr. and he's not going to put me on anything more than I already am on.  It will get better.

 I rescued my first dog! 

 My roommate named her Polly and she came to it.  She was such a mess when I found her barking up a storm, trying to get someones attention.  I was able to cut off some of the  horrendous mats including a second tail that was 4 inches long and so thick.  I  couldn't get everything, she was too wiggly and afraid of the scissors.  The mats on her face had gone up and over  like a back words C and the hair from her top fur came down over her eyes.  She was just the sweetest little thing.  Walking on her hind legs and holding up her front legs to let me know she wanted to be held. She jumped on the bed and slept with me.  That didn't' make Parker to happy and he told her off.  Coco and her got along good playing with  toys.  She was really so fun and cute and little, only weighing 9 lbs, but it was to hard with 3.  Parker and Polly would run out side and then I'd have to chase after both of them.  I didn't want to hurt Parker's feelings, so I put an add on Craigs list and found her a home.  I kept her for 2 days.  I'd love to get a dog like her for my next one.

I did a little shopping recently, but only at the cheapest stores: Kmart and DI.  
Here's the deals I got at Kmart:
plastic dress boots for $10
a warm winter coat with a hood for $22
flannel PJ's for under $6
mascara for 1/2 off at under $5
Eye makeup remover for...??? I can't remember. 
It all came to 50 bucks and I thought that was a good deal. 

Then a few weeks latter I went to DI one Saturday night. 
I got 7 long sleeve shirts and blouses for 30 dollars. 
Now I need to stop, because I have to find a new roommate and get brakes on my tires.   :( 

My mom came for a visit last week for a few days.  She did 3 sessions at the temple, one each day and helped me with so much!  Like making veggie soup, vacuuming the floors, sweeping and mopping the kitchen, cleaning the bathroom sink, and raked the lawn of evergreen needles and rocks, while I pulled weeds.  She filled my gas tank up for me and bought me a small safe.  I know.  I'm spoiled!  I invited her to a SA dinner and we both came home with a bag with 12  plastic Easter eggs that each have a symbol of the true meaning of Easter in them. 
Idea from here
This is a picture of my mom and dad a month before in died in July 2006.
My mom has chocolate on her dress!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

It's not about the places

On Sunday our lesson in Relief Society was about the first vision and Joseph Smith.  The teacher asked about our testimonies of the first vision and how we got them.  Anyone who shared talked about the places of church history like; the sacred grove, Nauvoo, Carthage jail,  Kirtand and such.  While the first speaker mentioned her visit to the grove and how she felt nothing.  Another woman said if you sing you can feel it.  When I was there at the sacred grove it was a beautiful group of trees, but to feel the spirit I sang: Oh, How lovely was the morning.

A sister said the same thing that it might not happen there at the exact place.  That was the place for Joseph, not necessarily for us.  The stories continued of places.  I wanted to share about reading The Teaching of the Prophet Joseph Smith That book never fails to increase my testimony of  the man who delivered  to us the good news of the pure gospel.

I've been to Israel, Book of Mormon lands in Mexico and Belize, and I've been to almost all of the church history sights and they were all great travel experiences.  I have pictures in my mind, I have pictures that I took, but that is not where I got my  testimony.  A Testimony comes through the Holy Ghost alone.  You don't have to go to the places to get a testimony.

On my mission I loved to testify of The Book of Mormon, but sharing the first vision could be difficult.  It is such a fantastic story, but it had to have happen, because of what we have through Joseph Smith; the books, the doctrines, the truths.  That is the real miracle, the miracle of what proceeded the first vision.  If you know of, understand, and love the doctrines he taught, then of course one can with confidence say Joseph Smith saw God the Father and his Son Jesus Christ.  As I write this, I realize to have the strength to endure what he did, he had to have a manifestation like that, a manifestation that could not be denied, that is the foundation for all other visions, dreams, and angels to come.  It's one thing to say and angle came and brought you gold plates (which you didn't melt down to save your family from poverty), but translated it to a book that now covers the earth, but quite another to say "I saw them!"    I suppose any man could say, an angel came with a book and I translated it, but gosh, I don't have the gold anymore.  Who  would come up with such a fantastic story?  I wrote a book- sure,  I found gold- sure,  I saw angels- OK, but the god head as 2 people, an idea that was just not entered into at the time.   It had to have happened.  I had to!  I know it did because of the fruits of what followed afterwords.

"What is the greatest testimony any man or woman can have as to this being the work of God? I will tell you what is the greatest testimony I have ever had, the most sure testimony, that is the testimony of the Holy Ghost, the testimony of the Father and the Son."
  'The brethren who came to preach the Gospel to me, I could easily out-talk them . . .; but their testimony was like fire in my bones; I understood the spirit of their preaching; I received that spirit; it was light, intelligence, power, and truth, and it bore witness to my spirit, and that was enough for me' (Remarks by Brigham Young, 28 July 1861; JD 9:141)."

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Anger, General Conference and The Book of Mormon

I have been single for a long time.  All I wanted was a temple marriage and children.  I became an aunt at the age of 7 and literally half of my siblings were married by the time I was in the 5th grade.  I babysat my life away as a teenager.  One year I made a thousand dollars. But I was insecure and so unsure especially when it came to  boys.  I clammed up and ran away even in college when I would get asked out.

But as the years went on my desire for a family was still holding strong, but my patience  waned.   I became angry, bitter and mad at young pretty girls who got the guys because of their looks, even though they were scripturally stupid.  I realized that although they were doctrinally dumb they were sweet and kind and grouchy people didn't get into the celestial kingdom.   "I signed up for this?" I  often thought. The anger and bitterness continued becoming stronger and stronger, especially after the babies of those friends of mine came. One of my favorite things to say was "They have a house, 2 to 5 kids, a time share in Cancun, and a dog, but I don't even have a dog!"   I didn't understand why I was still single.  I wasn't that ugly.  I had righteous desires.  I had lived a good life. I had served a mission, and had spent my time  preparing myself by collecting every thing I got into a folder about dating and marriage.  I was ready, I thought.  I wanted it, but didn't know how to be in a relationship.

 The negative emotions continued to grow.  It didn't serve me well.  Men don't like angry bitter women!
I felt that it was so unjust, so unloving, so unkind of Heavenly  Father to not let me have this righteous desire.   

I love America and see the need for war.  My father fought  in WWII, my brother and brother in law were in the army and when the world is full of injustice WE FIGHT. Take for example the America Revolution.  When we were not treated well, we went to war.  Had we not done that, there would be no USA and we'd be  ruled by the British. That's what I was doing- fighting!  Against who?  God. As if I could beat him in an arm wrestle, let alone anything else!

I was justified in my anger and bitterness!   I was thinking these things one General Conference morning as I was in the kitchen but still listening to the TV in the living room.  Elder James E. Faust was talking.  He was speaking of the Savior.  I don't remember what talk or what he said, but the spirit brought to my remembrance the submissiveness of Jesus.   I started to cry and I knew that I needed to be submissive to the will of the Father for me.  I needed to let go of the anger, resentment of other girls getting married and the bitterness of me being overlooked (The thing that kills me now is that I wasn't over looked.  I over looked them!).

While my attitude didn't change automatically it was another step in getting my heart right.  It would still be years when I would come to completely  trust and rely on and believe the Saviors promises to me that were given in my patriarchal blessing and 17 other blessing that said essentially the same thing:  A young man will come into my life..... 

I continued to read the scriptures daily and marked the qualities and attributes of the Father and the Son that I found.  As I read year in and year out, marking those verses with the same color so they stood out to me, my faith grew stronger and stronger in the promises the Lord had made to me in the scriptures as well as my blessings.  Here is an example of a few verses:  

Hebrews  11:13 These all died in faith, not have received the promises, but having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth.  
Hebrews 12: 1 Wherefore seeing we are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us.

2 Nephi 29:5 ... I the Lord have not forgotten my people. 
vs.9 ... I do this that I may prove unto many that I am the same, yesterday, today and forever ...
2 Nephi 31: 15... the words of my Beloved are true and faithful...
2Nephi 33:3 ... He will hear my cry
Jacob 2: 31 .... I, the Lord, have seen the sorrow, and heard the mourning of the daughters of my people...
Jacob 3:1... He will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction. 
Jacob 4:13.. the spirit speaketh the truth and lieth not.  Wherefore, it speaketh of things as they really are, and of things as they really will be.
Jacob 6:4 merciful is our God unto us...
2 Nephi 26:24 He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world. 
vs. 33...he doeth that which is good among the children of men..
Mosiah 8:20 O how marvelous are the works of the Lord, and how long doeth he suffer with his people.

And so the struggle continues.  But I believe the words of the prophets and the words of the scriptures.  I don't throw tantrums anymore, I just submit, sometimes happily and sometimes with tears, and I suppress my grouchiness, but I am always faithful to what I know is true.

See here for the article I wrote that was published in the New Era about getting my patriarchal blessing.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Coco The Killer!

I saw this today and I thought "Coco the Santa Killer!"  It's OK really.  We've had it for about 4 years.  I bought it after Christmas, because who wants to buy a dog toy for full price?  Not me!   It was already broken, some stuffing had already come out of it, but it has been a LONG while since any more has come out, so I took a picture.

 Yesterday, he brought the brown dog bed out of the garage, into the living room.  This bed has been through many murders.  My mom and put the stuffing back in many times and sewed it back up.  After the second I told my mom to stop fixing it.  This is not his first bed, but the second.  I threw the first one away about a year ago.  It was worse that the one on the right. 

See, these dog beds are Coco's suraget mothers. He sucks on them and pushes his paws back and forth like he's kneading bread and the sucking is his nursing. We call them his mommies. The yucky one stays in the garage where I keep them when I'm gone, unless he tries to bring it out.  The older the better he thinks.  He will follow these anywhere.  If he's barking at night, all I have to do, is pick up his mommy, and he will follow me ANYWHERE!  
He's also been know to take one outside where he's going to be.  He'll just randomly suck on them.  If I come and pet him and give him attention when he's doing it,  he'll stop. 

So in keeping with the killing theme today he tried to kill his favorite bed and there is the proof- the stuffing on the floor.  I just gather it up and throw them away.

Parker likes to lay on the blue one too.  Most of the time that is OK with Coco, but there was one time- at my mom's where Parker was in it and Coco had the edge and was pulling on it, you know with 1/2 his body up and the other 1/2 down and making sounds.  Parker just ignored him for a while and then he got up and left. Coco needs his mommy. 

See, coco was rescued by a postal worker in the Seattle area.  He was tied up outside to a boat, being totally ignored.  He was all matted and after asking the people who lived there if they wanted the dog, they said no and so the worker, took him to a groomer, had him cleaned up and brought him to a rescue group.  They put him on and I saw his add, with no pictures for a brown cocker spaniel.  My mom grew up with them and always talked about her dog Lady and I really wanted to try that bread.  So for $250.00, he came home new years day of 2008.  He's a really stocky dog with a shorter nose than most cockers, so he may be part something else, like a water spaniel, or a Sussex spaniel, or a Shar-pei (I don't see that one).  Maybe a Chow Chow, cause they have fluffy fur and are stocky like him.

What ever the case (it costs 60 bucks to find out) I love him and he's a funny dog.  He is a major snorer, and funny noise maker when you grab his ears and talk to him.  He runs after any thing on a 2 wheels, wiggles up to anyone thinking they want to be his best friend and at this place can open up the door and get himself inside, but he's can't close the door, so the heating bill I'm sure is more expensive than it needs to be.  But what do you do?  This summer we won't have that problem at all! I never have to worry about him running off.  I can almost take him for walks with out a leash because he will follow.  He does not want to be left alone! I only put it on him walking down bigger roads. I can leave the house with him outside and there he will be hours latter in front of the house, waiting.  He's a good dog!  I love his furry self. I love Parker too, he's my baby!  These guys make me SO happy.  They are my 4 legged furry children that I love and wouldn't be without.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Five For Friday # 3

I have really great home teachers. One of them is in the bishopric and the other is on high counsel.  They have come twice.  They came the Sunday after finding out I have a lump in my breast. I talked about my insurance worries, the fact that I need a lawyer to write a threatening letter and I can't pay him/her, also I'm afraid I may need a new job soon.  They both know people who could help me and with in less than 24 hours I had the problems already worked on.  They knew some one who deals in insurance.  They called him and he called me that night and solved so many of my questions.  The next day the ward employment specialist called me and got some info from me to start the process.  I also got a call from the bishopric member giving me the phone number of a lawyer in our ward, who is the other counselor in the bishopric.  They mentioned that I have more people praying for me and you know what, I think it was Monday or Tuesday I felt calm and not worried at all.  I think it's because of members prayers.  This ward has been so great to me and I'm so thankful for the Church's programs that help SO much and can be done so quickly!

The Monday after I found out I had a lump, I went to the clinic to pay my bill  and show them my taxes and my doctor who was suppose to have the day off way there, but as the nurse said, he's so dedicated.   The nurse found me and  told me that I'm pre-diabetic.  Which I already knew, but this confirmed it.  My A1C is at a 6.3 and 8 is diabetic.  They like to treat it- with meds, but 2 of my siblings are handling it with diet and exercise and my mom who is Type 2 and giving her self insulin shots all want me to try and work it out on my own.  I don't go see him till the 27, the day after the mammogram, so we shall see.  I'm working on being better.  I just got back from grocery shopping and didn't buy ice cream.  I turned down a danish at school yesterday, but did eat a chocolate chip cookie and boy was that good.  I figured it was the lesser of two evils.

My mom made this for me.  I found something like it on Pinterest and had to have one on my little lamp that was not so cute,  by my bed.  My room is blue and white, but I wanted to bring some more color and patterns in.  Don't you think it's cute?  Thanks mom.  She made it from left over material, so it cost me and her nothing.  In fact the lamp didn't cost me anything either.  Mom is turning 78 in May and she's doing well,  but I'll miss her when she is gone.

My mom also made me this quilt for my living room, from scraps as well. Pretty huh? My living room has some red accents to it in the pillows and other items. So this will go well. Thanks again mom.

I got pictures taken professionally with Coco and Parker a few weeks ago and got them back yesterday.  I bought a bunch more and while the one with me in it are either showing my fat or showing my garments, they are pretty good.   I need to get the long wall in my living room done and up. These are photographs of the prints.  The dogs did so good for the pictures.  I was so proud of them!
Oh gosh, I just noticed the white socks.  I think I wasn't wearing the right shoes so I had to. 

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

I AM FROM ( a poem and pictures)

After reading this blog post, I had to write one too!

Where I’m From

I am from a quilt making, sewing mom and a bee
Keeping, welding dad, and mismatched furniture.
I am from a big blue van traveling to Utah
to see extended family every year.
I am from hard working, gardening,
house painting, tree felling, home fixing doers, not payers.

Becky and Sarah 1980, I was almost 8.

I am from Minnesota snows, frozen Lake Excellesior
and wearing long johns under my dress, with boots.
driving a half hour or more to church.  
I am from hot summers and geese poop lawns,
mosquitoes bites and bats inside. 
I am a dog lover, the first three, all black named
Tinta, (German for black ink) Wang Ho(Chinese for Yellow River) 
and Beaker (from my silliness.) 
I am from older siblings, temple marriages
and lots of babies, becoming an aunt at age 7.

I am from a Ricks College first family,
then BYU, (expect for me who went to USU)
I am from German songs and family history
stories, Book of Mormon reading, and full tithe payers. 
I am from Seattle Temple ordinance and office workers,
family putting church first above all else.  
Never missing days of early morning seminary,
mutual activities, and girls camp. 

All of us in 1977. I was 5.

I am from Great Depression and WWII Army
frugal parenting, not wasting food or rusted nails
or thousands of old keys and making cookies instead of buying. 
I am from the clean plate club, eating everything that was served, 
including oatmeal every Thursday morning, blueberry pies and jello.
I am from service giving mom and scripture reading dad,
Public schools, average grades, but lots of personal reading.
I am from thumb sucking, depression, insecurities,
babysitting my life away, fearing men and boys. 
I am not silly Sarah, but funny Becky. 

From the picture above:
Mark #4, Ruth #2, Cindy #5, Karl #3
Mom, Sarah #7, Dad, me #6, Beth #1

Drive your tractor to school day!

My favorite pic because of the sign. 

Some of them lined up!

I'm not sure what this is.  Maybe a columbine? 

To compare a truck to a tractor.
Another comparison.  Not sure how this is a tractor, but it has 4 wheels.
The biggest tired is taller than me!            

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

A Cinquain

The teacher of the 2nd grade classroom I work does read-a-loud's of chapter books about every other day.  She's been reading Junie B, First Grader: Cheater Pants, right now. If you have not read any Junie B. Jones books you are missing out.  Seriously! They are so funny and the adults get the humor so much better than the kids do.

In this book, after the cheating episode the teacher, Mr. Scary has the kids get in groups and write a poem called a Cinquain.  I don't remember hearing about this kind of poem, but I may have and just don't remember.  It's one of those pattern poems. I borrowed the book so I could get down the how to and then I wrote one. 

It's in 5 lines:
1. one word (title) 
2. 2 words that describe the title
3. 3 action words about the title 
4. 4 words that express a thought or feeling about the title. 
5. one word that means the same thing as the title. 

As you can imagine I wrote it about my favorite things: Dogs.  So here goes my master piece:

funny, furry
running, licking, fetching
each one is different

I know you probably think it's brilliant.  I agree.  
Here is a picture of 2 of my favorite things. 

Parker and Coco in the back of my car on a trip home.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

A Lump

I've been having sharp pains in my chest lately.  I've had them before I was married, while I was married and recently more.  I figured it was stress.  It definitely  is not exercise induced, cause I don't exercise and it never happened when I took the dogs for a walk.  Then I started feeling the sides of my breasts and it seemed like there was a hard lump.  I compared the 2 but I wasn't sure.  I've kept thinking I need a mammogram or at least a breast exam.  I'd been thinking that for weeks, maybe 2 months.  Friday was no school so I got an appointment at the community health clinic and had one.  Yep, I do have a lump in my breast.  It's not were I thought It was, but I'm sure glad I had it done.   I have an appointment for a Mammogram on March 26, my next day off.

I went to my counseling appointment right after and told him.  He said "This tells me my Heavenly Father loves me.  How many women do you know who volunteer to have a breast exam?" He asked.  "And one from a male doctor I've never met", I added!

I don't have insurance, but they had me fill out paperwork to try and get it for free.  If not I can call the Susan G. Koman foundation another friends suggested.  Or there's the Aflac I could get through work.

Sometimes it's all surreal, other times I'm not even worried at all, but still others I'm a little concerned.
I guess my no drama in 2012 button needs to go? 
 It's not drama yet, so I'm keeping it.
Prayers appreciated.

Also, my doctor and my counselor are LDS, and in the same High Counsel. :) 

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Five For Friday

I got a roommate to help with the bills.  Her name is Yentl (yentle).  She's 26, a RM from CA, who served in the Philippines and has been home for a few years.  She's working and going to school here at the College of Southern Idaho, CSI for short.  She likes dogs and Coco loves her and when I'm gone Parker will jump on her bed to be with her.  She is gone a lot and I'm gone a lot, but we talk daily and things are good, especially financially.

I've been making these lately. I went and bought a pack of100 sheets of origami paper at Freddy's and have made about 20, giving them as gifts.  I don't think I'll get into other origami unless it's useful.  These are bookmarks. You open up the end of the heart and place the triangle on the corner of the page.  I learned how with this video.  I had to watch it 5 or 6 times to get the whole process down, but now I don't need it.

Remember this post about my ink mishap.  Twice printer ink was spilled all over my hand and once on my pink pajamas.  I got another ink cartridge and let it sit, in the packaging for 3 days before I had the guts to open it up.  But even in the plastic covering it had spilled out.  I was done with that shop, but not before I went and got my money back.  I explained what the problem was- that they had the wrong guard on it.  There's had a full length guard on it on the WRONG side that needed it. They insisted that was not the problem. I didn't argue.  Then I went to Wallmart and got the exact brand of ink as the printer for two dollars less and didn't cause any spills.  The difference was this little piece put on the right place. 

It reminds me of this scripture and printable that I found on line. 

Remember this post about books for 2012?  Well, It's not happening.  Here I am in march and neither of the books have been cracked, although I continue to work on Elder Bednar's book.

I thought I wrote one about my anti new years resolutions, but I can't find it.  I had a word:  HOPE,  I had miracles I was going to pray for: 1. temple marriage, 2. babies,  3. Family members to come back to the gospel and 4. financial relief.

The truth of the matter is I'm a slacker. The prayers lasted for a while and sometimes they still pop up. I for sure worry about # 1,2 and 4, but sometimes I still wonder what I should pray for.  Here's some thoughts: What should I do with my life?  What should I become (I need a new career)?  Should I even worry about marriage or babies? What does HEAVENLY FATHER want me to do with my life?   I still struggle with reading the scriptures at night and praying. I should remember all the scripture quotes I 'pin', but I don't because I'm not in them as much.  When I am in the scriptures my outlook is better.

Last night I read a few blog posts from C Jane Enjoy It about divorce, infertility, and depression. I posted some quotes of what I liked on my quote blog.   Before I turned out the lights I got my March 2012 Ensign and reviewed this article about moving on and moving forward that I love and have marked and then I read the VT message.    I started to feel again that "you are less than" feeling, that my testimony isn't as strong as it used to be, that I'm not as valuable a sister as others or as I used to be.  When I  turned off the light I cried.  I don't do that as much anymore, but sometimes I feel like that.

I think I felt it this past week more as the possibility of loosing my job came on Monday night.  I got overly involved with a clients life and her now ex-boy friend and the mom didn't appreciate me going to get his cat back, so she fired me.  Which means I had to call the boss and tell him.  This would be the 3 strikes your out possibility.  The first two were over falling asleep and being late and falling asleep and a few other minor problems.  My boss is LDS, he has been a bishop and I hate that I wowed them in the interview, but now it's been disappointment after disappointment.  What will I do?  Where can I get a job that makes as much money as I do now?  I got my taxes back.  I so don't want to use it to survive, but to pay off bills!   I still don't know if it's for real yet. I've let a few people know it's a possibility and I may not be coming back on Monday, but I may get off by the skin of my teeth.  But I just hate knowing that people do not think I'm worth it or they are humoring me until that last shoe finally falls. 

I went to a SA conference in Boise last weekend.  My first sense my singleness.  I cried on the way there, but was happy on the way home.  I got a few free meals,  met some nice people and went to 3 really good workshops and a really fun dance.  I danced like I used to.  Like I know what I'm doing, like I have confidence, like I'm attractive.  I wasn't worried about my body.  I had women compliment me on my blouse and a man ask me for my phone number.  While nothing will happen- he's to old, from Peru and has grand children, it was nice to dance and I  felt comfortable taking to him.  I was open and honest about my marriage with others and they were about theirs.  I'm one of that group now, one of the divorcees- which is yucky, but it's the truth.  But I understand more about marriage and what it takes to make it work and I can understand why others have left and I understand what people are talking about now in so many areas.

This is the cool LDS church the conference was in. 
And so my life goes on.