Thursday, January 29, 2009

Living Vicariously

Just an FYI: I've been going to Hypno-therapy and it's working! A lot of my negative emotions are being taken care of, and the best part is you don't have to talk about it, or relive any of it. Your "wisdom center" takes care of it! I highly recommend it! I'm a believer!

Ok, here's what I really wanted to share. About 6 years ago, I was really into watching Discovery Health Channel. I watched all the baby shows- mom's having babies, moms in labor, good birthing experiences, scary birthing experiences, etc. I would watch sometimes and think-"I have to do that!, I need to do that!" People would think I'm weird. I worried some about my age creeping up and thought about asking a friend or a sister if I could be there for the birth of their baby. If I wasn't going to do this for real, I had to have some more real life experiences, not just through a TV screen. But, alas it has not happened and I don't think it will. It's too personal, right? So there went that phase.

Now there is this phase. I've been reading blogs about women who can't have children, who loose children in womb, or who have children born then die or who are born dead. A few months ago I was glued to them and this week I've been back wanting more.

I made a connection to me, to why I'm in these phases. I'm living vicariously! In watching women have babies, it was like me doing it. Now, in reading about women who can't have babies or have lost them, It's like me. I can't have them. I may have lost my chance. I live vicariously through them.

Here is a quote from a mom who has been able to adopt 2 babies, but is fighting the birth father for the second one. She will win, because all he has is a HS diploma and they have proof of his abuse to the birth mother. What she wrote rang true to me and is so well said. There is no capitalization on purpose!

one thing i must say, something that i know is absolute truth is that fathers are important.if you don't have one, i am sorry, but that doesn't mean they aren't important. sperm is important, backyards are important, pregnancy is important, common DNA is important, clean air is important ...we don't have any of things at the r house, but we know they are important. we don't have them, but we don't discount them. you can know something is important even if you don't have it in your life. and as my beloved myra (who is like a little sister to me though she towers almost a foot over me) put it, "many of us who grew up without a dad know even more profoundly how important dads are."this post is not meant to offend.(i am not entirely sure what this post is meant to do other than offer my thoughts and recent pondering and study.)if you were to write a post about how important pregnancy is i would understand because pregnancy is an important part of a woman's mortal existence. i will never be pregnant. i will never experience that part of being human. i will never know what it is like to be a co-creator with God in life. i will never be a biological mother. i will never know what mr. and my babies would have looked like. those blessings were withheld from me.i understand this.and although it sometimes hurts my heart that it will never be a part of my life, i still know that it is important and i also know that i can live a happy and full life without that blessing because i choose to.i understand what it is like to have blessings withheld from you.i know there is something in this world that i am missing out on.i get that.and i am okay with it.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

A Little Ditty

I give my dogs a bath in the tub and bending over hurts my back. I finally got smart and bought a cheep shower head with a long hoes that you can pick up. This will make it so much easier. Mom bought the last shower head we had before this one and had one of the renters down stairs put it on for her. Well I put it on by myself with out any help. See, I can read, have a college degree, and read the instructions. I felt empowered doing it by myself. I started singing this song with a few changes. Here's the little ditty:

I am woman hear me roar!
I don't need a man no more!

The great thing is, this is exactly how I feel. I won't say "I've given up" or "I don't care anymore" as that seems to say I have a lack of faith. I have faith. I trust Heavenly Father. He's always taken care of me in the past and will in the future. I just don't feel the incessant worry that I used to feel or even the occasional worry and anxiousness when a man would pop up. I read a scripture last night that summed it all up. 1 Nephi 9:6

But the Lord knoweth all things from the beginning; wherefore, he prepareth a way to accomplish all his works among the children of men; for behold, he hath all power unto the fulfilling of all his words. And thus it is. Amen.

Monday, January 19, 2009


Jeff Thompson passed away surrounded by his wife and all of his children Sunday morning the 18. The family was looking into placing him in a different care giving facility, as the room he was in was too small and the nurses were too busy, but they don't have to do that now. There will be a private family burial service and a memorial service for all on Saturday. I was glad I was able to help; getting him 4 Advil's on a Sunday before he found out he had a tumor, babysitting 7 of his grandchildren on Saturday for 6 hours while they were at the hospital. My services will continue to be offered.

My brother found another short temporary job that pays more, so he'll have money is his pocket.

The marriage situation has been better, but I'm sure it will continue it's ups and downs.

I've learned for myself that if I take my medicine at the same time as soon as I get up, I do so much better emotionally. Last week my 2 sessions of hypno-therapy were hard to get through. But I'm sure that the combination of the 2 have helped, as I've felt much better than my crying week.

I'm going back to keeping track of the days I cry. I place a C over the days I've cried and some years have placed an A on the days I've been angry. Often there are 2 letters covering the date number of the week. Good months only have 6 or 7 cries. Bad month's have 15 or more. Do you know anyone who cry's this much? On Sunday's it's usually due to the Spirit. I've been keeping track like this for YEARS. I have found no patterns, but the process helps me feel that I'm doing something. I believe the emotions have root in situations or lack of medication. The weather being good can't hurt either.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Oh the Sadness of the World!

I've been a mess the last week, crying almost every day.

A dear, dear friend of mine, Jeff Thompson is dying in the hospital. He was my seminary teacher for all 4 years. He has been giving me blessings since my adulthood because my Dad didn't feel like he could do it. I'm close with his family. I roomed with his daughter in college. His wife was my 'merry miss' teacher in primary and the Young Women's president for 3 years. Some of Jeff's grandchildren call me Aunt Becky. He will be fine in the spirit world. He has lived an amazing life full of gospel teaching and service. He has been a great husband and father and friend to many. But his family and many others will miss him considerably. It's hard to image life with out someone, with out them being physically there for the rest of one's life. But there is comfort and peace knowing that we will see one another again. He will know of our doing. We will one day all embrace and rejoice that, we knew each other in that fleeting moment called earth life.

Another dear friend of mine struggles with how her husband treats her. Seeing her hurt is terrible and I often think of scriptures of how Christ treats the Church, symbolic of how a husband treats his wife, of scriptures in Jacob chapter 2 about speaking consoling words to tender wives and God counting tears, due the wickedness of their husbands. I'm thankful for her Christ-like example of how to handle that and of knowledge of what I do not want and what I do want in a man.

Then I find out today that my brother has lost his job again. There are more struggles there besides just loosing a job. He's divorced. He is learning to overcome some mental health challenges.

I too have been struggling with my own feelings about difficult areas of my life. There are hard, hard things in this life. What is a person suppose to do?

I heard the words "I love you" on Saturday night, spoken by one man to a large group, and wept. I took it personally, as if he was speaking for the Lord himself. I tried to remember the last time I heard those words spoken to me. While my mother must have, and my friend spoken of above has said them and emailed them, it has not been the kind of love that I have needed. I didn't even now those were the words I needed to hear. I did know that I needed those consoling words. And I know that there are people, family even, that I have no desire to speak those words too and I know that is wrong.

One day Christ will make it all better and he weeps with us now, as he wept with Lazarus' sister's Mary and Martha. But oh sometimes I tire of the weeping.

Revelations 21: 4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there
shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any
more pain: for the former things are passed away.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

I'm KooKoo for Coco Pups!



This is Coco. He's a Cocker Spaniel. His Paws are HUGE! I call him Coco Poko, Coco Beans,and Coco Bear. He loves to chase toys, to get up on counters and look for food and toys. He's hyper. He has great feeling fur. Parker tries to have babies with him and growls at him too. He's not at all like calm Sam. Parker misses Sam.
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