Saturday, August 29, 2015

An answer

It's been almost a year since I've written in this blog.  Yesterday I wrote in one of my other blogs about prayer and praying angry. 10 people read it.  One commented on Facebook. 

I went to Stake Conference tonight with mom. I was so afraid it was going to be about "family".  General Conference was and I put that away not reading it while I was waiting. 

But something happened tonight.

I'm not happy about my life. 

But here's what's happened.  One of the counselors in the stake presidency talked about "service".  I started to cry, not about that but about this answer I so want to give me hope that I would get married some day.  Something from the temple or a blessing to keep me going.  The thought that came to me was "Am I going to live my life any differently if I don't get the answer/prompting?"  and the answer is no.  No, I'm not.  I'll keep doing the right things even though I don't know how I'm going to do it.  So, that's my answer, my prompting of sorts.  I'm going to keep doing the right things even though I may not get what I want.  

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

from my stake's blog: a post about me.

Courage.  What is it and how do we get it?  I believe we get it from doing. From going forward when you really want to give up.
My name is Becky.  I’m 42, unmarried with no children.  I was raised in a family of 7 kids where all 6 of my siblings have anywhere from 3 to 6 kids.  I have dogs instead.  Actually, yesterday (august 23rd)  I acted in courage by myself with no support and had one of my dogs put down.  He was old and very sick.  So now I’m just a one-dog dog owner.   Hard at the time, but as the days pass, it will just be a memory of a few minutes.  What is hard is keeping going on alone.
My family of origin is unique.  My parents are 17 years apart.  Mom married the first guy who kissed her at age 21.  Dad was 39.   He fasted from food for 2 weeks only drinking water to petition the Lord for a wife and family.  He got it.  I once tried fasting for 2.5 days and had dysentery!   He had five kids close together and then due to a cord wrapped around baby number 5, they quit multiplying and replenishing for 9 years until Joseph Fielding Smith said in Priesthood Session at General Conference “don’t block up the well springs of life”.  Dad was a follow the prophet kind of guy, so as I like to say came home and had a “talk” with Mom and 15 months later I was born. Dad was 55 when I was born. Not wanting me to be an only child of sorts they had my sister 18 months later.   Due to the age difference in siblings, I became an aunt at the age of 7.  By 5th grade literally ½ of my siblings were married.    I lived and breathed marriage and family.  As a youth I babysat my life away.  I had permanent jobs every Friday night for 3 years.  I was the best known babysitter in the ward.  One year I made 2 thousand dollars just babysitting. I preferred playing mom over going to Youth Dances. Family was all I wanted and all I planned for.  I figured I’d do what the rest of my siblings did- go to Ricks College, then BYU and then get married. I did go to Ricks,  I went on a mission and then to USU instead.  I did have one sister who didn’t marry till she was 32 and I watched as she cried and was lonely and had nothing like the others did.
Those 2 examples, my dad and my sister engrained in me that singleness was not desirable.  Happiness came from family life and in 1995 “The Family:  A Proclamation to the World” confirmed that.   At the age of 36 I had the opportunity to marry.  I took it even though there were improper actions and loud and clear red flags with this man.  He was not what I wanted, but I thought he could become that.  At 3 weeks of marriage I knew it wasn’t going to last and that I would eventually need to get out.  It was abusive in many ways.  I stayed for 17 months.  When my mom decided to leave the state I left with her.  In doing that I knew that I might never marry again, but instead be single and lonely.
It’s been 3 years now and I’ve been fired from four jobs (probably PSTD) and only been asked out from men who are undesirable.  If I pursued them I would be making a mistake again.  It infuriates me that there are men that find me desirable, but that do nothing for me.  The good men are taken.
So here I am in an LDS community and family where marriage and family life is it and I have not.  I’ve gone through the ringer of emotions through the last 20 years of anger, bitterness and yes at times even happiness.  I’ve traveled too, taking the opportunities when they presented themselves.  Now however I live in low income housing and travel is not feasible.  I deal with anger every day.  It’s a problem.  I’m angry at family members, at my ex and those involved in the relationship, I’m angry that girls camp in Idaho stinks compared to girls camp in Washington, I’m angry that mothers with 3 kids are still germaphobes,  I’m angry that I live in the 2nd largest LDS populated state and the single adult program in Twin Falls Idaho is only a soup kitchen for senior citizens. The list could go on.  Oh yes I’m angry!   I suppose I’m mostly angry at God for handing me this life.  I signed up for this?
At 17 I received my patriarchal blessing.  I was terrified that it would say I wouldn’t get married.  I fasted for that specifically.  It talks about a “young man coming into my life” and me being a “true mother in Israel.”    No such thing has happened.    I’ve wanted to give up.  I’ve wanted to quite going to church, to give up studying my scriptures, to stop being serviceable,(after all I have nothing and I sure wish someone would serve me!)
But I continue to do what is right.   I have a testimony.  The Book of Mormon is true and we have a living prophet on the earth.  I get up and go to church every Sunday and come home glad I did, even though I go out of duty. I teach primary,  I go to girls camp, I attend the temple, even doing sealings .  I call the last the ”slit your wrist activity’.  I can get sealed for dead people, but not myself?  Have I thought of suicide?  Sure.  But I’m chicken, I don’t have the courage for that thank goodness,  and I know it would be worse than if I stayed.  So I stay and deal with the life I wish I could give starving kids in Africa.  They would LOVE my life!
I’m happy for friends who have great families, I really am.  I tell them how blessed they are as I walk around with this feeling of emptiness and nothingness of my own life.   I’m afraid I’ll be single the rest of my 40 to 50 plus years.  I’m afraid I’ll be poor and no one will take care of me in my old age and no one but ward members will come to my funeral even though I have 26 nieces and nephews and  almost 16 great nieces and nephews.  Yes, I come from a big family, but they have their trials, challenges and woes.  Most likely I’m not even in the top 5 things to worry about.
So every week I go to church alone and sit with families and serve while most don’t know the whole me or what I went through that week.  I go to family get togethers and am happy to see people, to actually have a family for a short while.   I go to work even though I never wanted a career and it doesn’t fill my bucket.  I do everything I do, because what else am I suppose to do?  Quit?  Give up?  Not an option.  I guess that is courage.  I don’t feel courageous, but I get up and do it every day even though I just want to stay in bed.
I tell myself it could be worse and I realize that others reading this have had worse.  They have lost children or spouses to death, they have dealt with cancer or other terminal or permanent illnesses.  There is a list that is very long of things worse than being single but for me this is my Abrahamic trial.
Right now I’m praying for the anger to go away.  I’m submissive to this will Heavenly Father wants for me, but most times I’m not happy about it.
The key to courage?  Just keep on keeping on.  I hold to the iron rod to that great reward in Heaven.
…..shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory! Let your hearts rejoice, and be exceedingly glad….

Sunday, September 7, 2014

Contrite or Fight: a poem.

I am not contrite, I fight
The Plan the Lord has for me.
Kindness, Mercy, Justice I seek,
but it all by passes me.

My fruit is weak, my crown is small
but bigger it would be if I could just
humble myself happily to Thee.

I fight his will, I want my way,
It's righteous desires I seek.
But I must wait and wait and wait
and be like Abraham meek.

I have not seen the Lord as he,
I do not talk face to face,
But I too know the plan is real
and the resurrection true.

Priesthood hands have blessed my life,
I have believed them true,
But nothing matches up you see,
A mother I will probably not be.

But can I turn away the God
who lends my breathe to me?
who died for me that I might
with my family forever be.

He forgives my sins, he comforts me
with the gospel truth restored
Through scriptures that I can read
and learn of men like Job and Jonah
and choose to trust or run away.

Is my plan a plan of hope,
or just sick ironies?
Although I do not fit the mold,
I know He still loves me.

- By Becky L. Rose
Sept 7th 2014.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Lost my job

I lost my job Thursday after a great day of subbing.  The kids at Robert Stewart Middle School love me, but no more.  I"ll only run into them in the community now.  A second grade teacher complained about how I didn't do her lesson plans to her liking and so boom!  I'm gone.   I'm jobless.

I still have the money from mom's gift.  I still have a very part time job on the weekends. Hopefully I'll be able to get unemployment too.  I still have help to find me a new job and now I have lots of time to do it.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013


A few months ago our stake president gave a fireside and he talked some about the 3 laws of financial prosperity.  They are Tithing,  Fast Offerings and Keeping the Sabbath Day Holy. It got me thinking and Even though I'm a beneficiary of fast offerings (the church buys my toilet paper and other bathroom things) I wasn't paying it.  But then I started to and I've seen the blessings.

1. Someone paid a month of my storage unit on accident.  I told them there was a mistake, but I still reap the benefits.

2. My rent didn't double, but just went up by 4 dollars because they went with what I said almost a year ago- subbing only 3 to 4 days a week, but in reality I sub 5 days a week and make more than they figured. I'm not going to argue with them.

I think there are many other blessings that are happening like getting TV at home.

I'm a believer!

Sunday, November 17, 2013

I am fearful

Here is how things really are.  

I am fearful for the future.  

I haven't been able to pay all my bills on my own for months and even years, especially since my marriage. The church has had to help and so has my mom.  I'm on food stamps which is a blessing and live in low income housing. 

I was diagnosed with  1. Major depressive disorder (moderate).  (not a surprise!)  

I'm going through Vocational Rehabilitation, a state program to help me get a better job.  I could of picked going to school, but that caused me a lot of stress and tons of tears.  In 12 days I cried 10 of them. Not good odds. I was fearful of that too.  Picking the right thing, being successful, getting a job afterwords, going into more debt to do it when I'm trying to get out of debt.  So I picked having them help me find a job, but I"m fearful with that too. I worry about shooting too high or too low.  I worry about getting a job and quitting the one I have now and then needed to go back to subbing but them not letting me.  See I was nearly let go from that job last spring.  What if the new job doesn't work out?  What if I go through burn out as I have in the past and need to change jobs again. What if? What if? What if?

How will I support myself for the rest of my life?  Mom will not always be there with money.  I don't have health benefits and what if my health goes bad?  What if I need to get another car and can't afford it?  More what if's  I'm sure I'm missing some more I haven't even thought of. 

I need someone to tell me It's all going to work out, that Heavenly Father has a plan, that somehow, some way things will get better.  

I used to travel.  I used to have hope for the future.  I used to enjoy life.  But the reality of just making it, just holding on financially and otherwise for the rest of my life and not really enjoying it looks like what the future holds for me. I don't think I'll be getting married any time soon. I used to have so many blessings that said I would. But now that doesn't happen in blessings anymore. There is no one here in Twin and I've gained weight and my hair is short and that's just the physical stuff, not the diagnosis's.

How does one be happy with all that now and in the future? Acceptance?  But acceptance isn't happiness.  It's being resigned to my lot in life. 
Maybe I could get on disability income and still work some hours and that would pay the bills.  That needs to be my plan B and that is up in the air and uncertain too. It also means low income housing and foods stamps for the rest of my life. 

But I keep on keeping on, only I cry more.  I teach primary.  I go to work.  I go to social things, but am I happy?  NO. This diagnosis has taken the life out of me. 

One of the most difficult things is that I have no one to share my feelings with that validate me.  That have known me for more than 2 years here in Twin.  No one that knows what I used to be like. That knows more than just my disabilities. No one that I can really just sob to and get it all out and have them do and say the things I need to hear that are correct too.  I know some will say some things but it won't be helpful. There are people whose advice I don't trust. 

Another difficult things is no one to give me a blessing- that has the spirit of prophecy like I had in Brother Thompson. 

The whole thing is just awful and so not about Jason anymore although at times things from the past will pop up; Jason, the Twitchell's and family members who have hurt me. 

But there.  I got it all down and hardly any one will read it, comment or care- especially my family. 

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Where I live in Low Income Housing!

Welcome to Washington Park Apartments!  One of the nicest Low Income housing complexes in Twin Falls.

This is the way to #20 where I live. 
This is number 20. 
This is my summer living room. Not enough wall stuff up yet.  
This is my winter living room.  Awkward! 
dinning room and very small kitchen. 
And the messy and small bedroom!