Sunday, September 7, 2014

Contrite or Fight: a poem.

I am not contrite, I fight
The Plan the Lord has for me.
Kindness, Mercy, Justice I seek,
but it all by passes me.

My fruit is weak, my crown is small
but bigger it would be if I could just
humble myself happily to Thee.

I fight his will, I want my way,
It's righteous desires I seek.
But I must wait and wait and wait
and be like Abraham meek.

I have not seen the Lord as he,
I do not talk face to face,
But I too know the plan is real
and the resurrection true.

Priesthood hands have blessed my life,
I have believed them true,
But nothing matches up you see,
A mother I will probably not be.

But can I turn away the God
who lends my breathe to me?
who died for me that I might
with my family forever be.

He forgives my sins, he comforts me
with the gospel truth restored
Through scriptures that I can read
and learn of men like Job and Jonah
and choose to trust or run away.

Is my plan a plan of hope,
or just sick ironies?
Although I do not fit the mold,
I know He still loves me.

- By Becky L. Rose
Sept 7th 2014.

Saturday, January 25, 2014

Lost my job

I lost my job Thursday after a great day of subbing.  The kids at Robert Stewart Middle School love me, but no more.  I"ll only run into them in the community now.  A second grade teacher complained about how I didn't do her lesson plans to her liking and so boom!  I'm gone.   I'm jobless.

I still have the money from mom's gift.  I still have a very part time job on the weekends. Hopefully I'll be able to get unemployment too.  I still have help to find me a new job and now I have lots of time to do it.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013


A few months ago our stake president gave a fireside and he talked some about the 3 laws of financial prosperity.  They are Tithing,  Fast Offerings and Keeping the Sabbath Day Holy. It got me thinking and Even though I'm a beneficiary of fast offerings (the church buys my toilet paper and other bathroom things) I wasn't paying it.  But then I started to and I've seen the blessings.

1. Someone paid a month of my storage unit on accident.  I told them there was a mistake, but I still reap the benefits.

2. My rent didn't double, but just went up by 4 dollars because they went with what I said almost a year ago- subbing only 3 to 4 days a week, but in reality I sub 5 days a week and make more than they figured. I'm not going to argue with them.

I think there are many other blessings that are happening like getting TV at home.

I'm a believer!

Sunday, November 17, 2013

I am fearful

Here is how things really are.  

I am fearful for the future.  

I haven't been able to pay all my bills on my own for months and even years, especially since my marriage. The church has had to help and so has my mom.  I'm on food stamps which is a blessing and live in low income housing. 

I was diagnosed a few weeks ago with two things.  1. Major depressive disorder (moderate).  2. Borderline personality disorder. 

I'm going through Vocational Rehabilitation, a state program to help me get a better job.  I could of picked going to school, but that caused me a lot of stress and tons of tears.  In 12 days I cried 10 of them. Not good odds. I was fearful of that too.  Picking the right thing, being successful, getting a job afterwords, going into more debt to do it when I'm trying to get out of debt.  So I picked having them help me find a job, but I"m fearful with that too. I worry about shooting too high or too low.  I worry about getting a job and quitting the one I have now and then needed to go back to subbing but them not letting me.  See I was nearly let go from that job last spring.  What if the new job doesn't work out?  What if I go through burn out as I have in the past and need to change jobs again. What if? What if? What if?

How will I support myself for the rest of my life?  Mom will not always be there with money.  I don't have health benefits and what if my health goes bad?  What if I need to get another car and can't afford it?  More what if's  I'm sure I'm missing some more I haven't even thought of. 

I need someone to tell me It's all going to work out, that Heavenly Father has a plan, that somehow, some way things will get better.  

I used to travel.  I used to have hope for the future.  I used to enjoy life.  But the reality of just making it, just holding on financially and otherwise for the rest of my life and not really enjoying it looks like what the future holds for me. I don't think I'll be getting married any time soon. I used to have so many blessings that said I would. But now that doesn't happen in blessings anymore. There is no one here in Twin and I've gained weight and my hair is short and that's just the physical stuff, not the diagnosis's.

How does one be happy with all that now and in the future? Acceptance?  But acceptance isn't happiness.  It's being resigned to my lot in life. 
Maybe I could get on disability income and still work some hours and that would pay the bills.  That needs to be my plan B and that is up in the air and uncertain too. It also means low income housing and foods stamps for the rest of my life. 

But I keep on keeping on, only I cry more.  I teach primary.  I go to work.  I go to social things, but am I happy?  NO. This diagnosis has taken the life out of me. 

One of the most difficult things is that I have no one to share my feelings with that validate me.  That have known me for more than 2 years here in Twin.  No one that knows what I used to be like. That knows more than just my disabilities. No one that I can really just sob to and get it all out and have them do and say the things I need to hear that are correct too.  I know some will say some things but it won't be helpful. There are people whose advice I don't trust. 

Another difficult things is no one to give me a blessing- that has the spirit of prophecy like I had in Brother Thompson. 

The whole thing is just awful and so not about Jason anymore although at times things from the past will pop up; Jason, the Twitchell's and family members who have hurt me. 

But there.  I got it all down and hardly any one will read it, comment or care- especially my family. 

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Where I live in Low Income Housing!

Welcome to Washington Park Apartments!  One of the nicest Low Income housing complexes in Twin Falls.

This is the way to #20 where I live. 
This is number 20. 
This is my summer living room. Not enough wall stuff up yet.  
This is my winter living room.  Awkward! 
dinning room and very small kitchen. 
And the messy and small bedroom!  

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Way to go Id .a. ho!

Said Mr. Potato Head in Toy Story #2!

Well I finally went to the museum in Blackfoot Idaho, not inside, but the gift shop and outside.  We told the lady at the desk that we'd be back Saturday (it was Tuesday, 9.17.13).  Patricia Glenn and I went to Rexburg to go the temple since the Twin Falls temple is closed for a month.  Rumor has it that it's mold that is the problem. I can't imagine how they got mold here.  Seattle?  I've experienced that first hand, but dry farm land southern Idaho... mold?  Oh well,  It's closed all September and on sat we are going on a little road trip again and will pay 3 dollars to get into the museum.

In other news:
This is what the dog spend their time doing these days.  

4 little kittens that were rescued on a freeway in between SLC and Twin that I kept over night on labor day weekend till the shelter opened up.  I had them in this box outside and then in the bathroom and both places drove Coco mad.  The white stuff is rice.  They didn't eat any of it and they spilled the water.  The Christensen's daughter rescued them and they were pawned off on me.  I finally had to  put them in the car overnight.  Out of sight, out of mind for Coco.   They crawled out of the box and all over the car and me as I drove them to the shelter.  2 of them had the cutest personalities.  I wish I could of kept one.  The Christensen's gave me 5 dollars and the shelter took that for them! 
This is also what I have been doing. I gave this one to Robyn H. Parker since she is from Australia.
Patricia Glenn wants one since she has been.  
I kept this one for myself.  They are dish clothes and you iron on the pattern. 
This one was my first and I gave it to the Christensen's since they do so much for me like feed me, give me veggies to cook, give me blessings, teach me now to make chicken noodle soup home made, let me borrow movies and 100 other little things.   They have been a blessing I didn't even know I needed. 

Monday, August 5, 2013

What the Scriptures tell us about WHY we need the BOM

Why we need The Book of Mormon:
Ezekiel 37: 15-17
15 The word of the Lord came again unto me, saying,
16 Moreover, thou son of man, take thee one astick, and bwriteupon it, For cJudah, and for the children of Israel his companions: then take another stick, and dwrite upon it, For eJoseph, the fstickof Ephraim, and for all the house of Israel his companions:
 17 And join them one to another into one stick; and they shall become aone in thine hand.

Article of Faith 1:8 We believe the aBible to be the bword of God as far as it is translated ccorrectly; we also believe the dBook of Mormon to be the word of God.

Title Page

  • Show the house of Israel what the Lord has done.
  • Know the covenants
  • Convincing that Jesus is Christ to all nations

-Most correct book- get nearer to God
-Keystone of our religion
1. Doctrines of the gospel
2. Outlines the plan of salvation
3. Tells men what they must do to gain peace

1 Nephi 13:40
1.       Establishes the truth of the Bible.
2.       Make known plain and precious truth.
3.       All kindred, tongues and people that the Lamb is the Son of the Father and Savior of the world.
4.       All men must come unto him or they cannot be saved.

2 Nephi 3:12
-          Confound false doctrine
-          Lay down of contention
-          Establish peace
-          Bring them to a knowledge of fathers
-          Bring them to a knowledge of the covenants of the Lord.

2 Nephi 25: 23, 26 and 33:10-11
-persuade our children to believe in Christ
-If you believe in Christ you will believe these words
-They are his words,
-they teach men to do good.

2 Nephi 29:7-11

  • I can speak to more than one nation
  • I can have two nations write
  • I do this to prove you
  • Bible is not all of my words.

D&C 20:8-16
-God gave Joseph Smith power to translate
-Contains fullness of gospel
-Angels confirmed it.
-Proves the scriptures are true.
-God inspires men
-God is the same yesterday today and forever

-those who receive it will have a crown of eternal life.