Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Trial of Faith (take 2)

FYI:  Jason called me yesterday at 7am on my way to the new job.  He still does not have a job.  It's been SO hot in St. Louis (106 degrees) that they won't let the  brick masons work, hence no money.  I've been praying that friends and family get jobs.  I need to add him to the list.  He also wanted to know about my dating life.  Nope,  not gonna tell him about that and I don't want to hear about his dating life either.  I will discuss money and inquire about the welfare of family (and he can too), but that is it.  The whole things was a little shocking really, but it takes away one of those anniversaries (see post below) which is fine and good and as it should be.

In other news:  

So, a few weeks ago, I was hired by a different company that does the same work as I've been doing only in Twin Falls, which means A LOT less driving and also pays two dollars an hour more. A savings and a gain. But as I went to trainings, I kept walking away thinking and verbalizing to others "What have I done?"  This company is annal, micromanages and honestly treats it's employee's like children.  During the interveiw I was asked what my current company would say about me.  Luckily I had a good Jan-May.  Oct to Dec was not good and I was honest about my falling asleep at work.  They valued my honesty.  

I head to the first day of my job mostly to observe. I saw their summer programs which are located in 3 portables.  I see the HS program, the elementary program, and the middle school program.  During the middle school program they put a movie in, turned off the lights and I fell asleep(I did this in a theater too).  The head person there, takes a picture of me and sends it to the boss.  Strike 1.  At the end of the day, I speak with my trainer and complain a little about all the extra things that this company requires and is annal about that I know that all other companies in the area do not do.  The next day I show up on time and in 15 minutes am back home with a check to put in the bank.  Yep I was fired.   I didn't protest, but said OK, took the check and left. Was I sad?  Yes, oh yes.  Did I realize what I had done?  Yes.  Oh, my life would of been so much better off financially and I could of taken months of my get out of debt plan.

The next day I called my old boss, I had not completely left the company, so asked if I could be full time again.  I learned Friday evening at 5 just as I was about to leave for a 5 day weekend at mom's that yes, there was a job for me- in Gooding,  a  45 minute drive from Twin and it was with a difficult 16 year old girl.  I was NOT happy because of that, but also because school had already started, so I would need to be back to work on Monday. Bye bye vacation!

I immediately enter depressed, distraught, anger, faithless mode.  How could heavenly Father do this to me, I thought. Nothing is matching up- the dichotomy of my patriarchal blessing and my life is a 180.   How much does He expect me to go through?  I realize I did this to myself.  I can't take much more and really need to be thrown a bone.

I was back at that place where I had been earlier in my life, where I wanted to throw rocks at God.  Ridiculous visual, huh?  Paleeeeese!  I did not think him keeping me single was kind, merciful or just and I demanded my blessings NOW!  Yes, I was like a two year old throwing a tantrum and every good parent knows to walk away and not give them any attention.  God is the best parent of all so he did not listen or condemn.

I did however get out of it.  I because happy with being single- something I did not want.  I wanted to be happy married, not single. But I did finally get happy.  How did I do it?  I think this is how:

I had been taught at institute to study the scripture looking for the qualities and attributes of the Godhead as described in Lectures on Faith. I had marked those 12 qualities and attributes and many more in many sets of  scriptures with a specific color for a  decade at least.  Doing this is suppose to make your faith grow in God and His Son.  Also, I had been collecting my blessings, by having them recorded, transcribed, etc.  As the years increased I had a total of 17 promises of marriage and family and I began to believe in my evidences that could not be seen,  at the same time being OK with it not happening in this life.  Another strange dichotomy.  Hebrews 11:1,  Helaman 5: 50

Here I was again, in 2012, with the same issue.  I felt as if I could not trust and rely on those promises any longer.  I needed new ones.  I was growing my faith once again from the start. The seed was that one promise in the patriarchal blessing and I needed other evidences to make my faith sure. However with the many blessings I received since leaving WA, NONE said anything about marriage and family.  It has burdened me greatly.  I do not know what to have faith in, what to hope for, where to put my focus, what to do. I needed HELP!  I even went to my bishop about getting a second patriarchal blessing. My grandmother had her second one years ago. 

I'm driving to my mom's house and the thought comes to me about Abraham and Sarah. I had always puzzled at Abraham going to sacrafice Isaac because:
1. He himself was on an altar ready to be sacrificed but was rescued by Jehovah (Abraham 1:7, 12, 16)
2. He had been so faithful in waiting for Isaac to be born- a long hard wait- that in and of itself a trial of faith and the promised birthright son had come and in him was all the blessings and covenants going to be fulfilled. 

I learned a few years ago, (pre-Jason) how and why Abraham could have that kind of faith.
1. Abraham KNEW GOD, spoke with him face to face (Abraham 3:11), and he trusted him.
2. Abraham  had seen his day (John 8:56) and knew that God was able to raise him from the dead (Hebrews 11: 17-19
3.  Abraham himself had been rescued, perhaps Isaac would be rescued too.  (speculation)
See, not being married and having children was my Abrahamic trial.  It was.  It really was.  And I found myself again experiences the same trial and test.  I was sarcastic and bitter as I had been. I  started to wonder if Abraham and Sarah had put time limits on the Lord as I was doing. Did they still believe at 40, at 50, at 60, at 70 that Isaac would come and then to go and kill the fulfillment of prophecy, their miracle, their blessing? 

I knew that I could not put time limits on God either. I would need to trust in his timing, just as Neal A. Maxwell had said was included with faith.

Perhaps my ram in the thicket will come, perhaps not. Perhaps I, like the early saints need to be tried even as Abraham.  (D&C 101:4)  The faithful become the seed of Abraham (D&C 138: 41) and I want the Celestial Kingdom, so I am working on waiting on the Lord and having faith.  In the mean time, regardless of what happens, if I become a wife and mother in this life or not I have a plan.  It is a traveling plan based on my love of animals. I'm hoping this will give me some motivation to not spend.  

I want to go to: 
1. The Okaniwa Acquarium to see Whale Sharks

2. The Guadalapos Island to see these: 

3. Australia to see some of these creatures. 

That is living Jason, not going to movies or drinking Starbucks hot chocolates!

Wednesday, August 8, 2012


There are a lot of anniversaries associated with my marriage and divorce to Jason.

  • May 14 and 15 2011 is when I left Washington. 

  • August 5th 2011 divorce final. 

  • January 2012 I finally stopped talking to him on the phone.  I wish I had stopped much sooner.  Everyone told me to, but I felt bad for him.  I was thinking he might be my only chance at marriage.  It was that one counselor here that caused me to finally do it.  The first time I met with him as I told him everything he said: "Cease and Desist"  and that was that.  I went home and blocked him.  Life got better after that. 

Two of these first anniversaries are over and I'm glad.  It will get easier and easier the further away it becomes.  While I have the debt he left me to always remind me and keep me from spending money on happier things, I hope that the credit cards will be done by the 5th anniversary.  Due to the generous birthday gift I was able finish paying off one. Three left.  That will be the year (5 years after) I could be an ordinance worker again if I wanted to.  I'm sure by then, the emotions will be in the past, gone and dead. They still come up and not everything is tied to him.  There are other people involved too, but it continues to get better.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Four for Friday???


I've discovered that I don't like those shirts that button up the front with collars.  They don't compliment my face and my hair cut.

I also discovered that I can't fit into pants my size because of my over fat stomach.  Not good.  So last night at a potluck, I didn't have cake or cookies and at home I didn't have ice cream. Baby steps.

I don't like male attention from men who just want to talk about other women.  No thank you, please.  


I'm not dating and that is fine.  But I did find this web sight: www.itsyourtechnique.com.  Alisa is considered Utah's Dating Coach and I've liked what she has to say.  There are free articles to read or listen to and some to buy.  You can also email her and she will help.  I emailed her about my date with Mr. 64.  This is what she had to say:

He is so narcissistic. 
Run and never talk to him again. 
What a creep and manipulator.

On the side of my small tower I have these words of advice from her: 

I can choose to be right or effective 
I'm buying my experiences both good and bad. (with the universal currency of Energy, Emotions, Time, Thought, and Money  
  1. Be more friendly
  2. Be positive 
  3. Less contentious 
  4. Less judging and gossiping 

While I have done some of these 4 things lately due to learning the hard way, I want to gossip here for a minute.  

Single Adults 
The single adult group here is strange. I've been angry about it.  I have to leave the state to get away from Jason and this is what I come to?  UGGG!  But I'm learning to except it.  

So here's who I hang out with: 

3 women who have taken off their garments.  One who does not pray. 
1 man who is addicted to porn although he is getting help. 
1 man who is overweight
1 man who is likes to give me a hard time a lot and lies, but is "honest about his lies"  (eye roll) 
3 who have been excommunicated (2 men, 1 woman) 
1 woman who has a mental illness and has meddled in everyone's life, been easily offended, has poor hygiene, and is wines about not having had a date for 6 years. 
1 non-member who is Latino
1 widowed lady who has to comment on ANYTHING anyone says on FB or in person, tries to play mother, in charge person, and is just plain annoying.  Is to sickly sweet to know any better. 
1 widowed lady who is my friend, who is pretty cool.  We talk almost daily. 
A few random people who are good quality, but who rarely show up.   

Add that to only 2 free dinners a month that is HIGHLY populated with senior citizens and you can see my dilemma!   It's enough to make a girl want to move, but I don't feel the push to do so. So I stay till I do feel the push.  I must have something to learn or something to give to his area.  Ug!  

Turning 40 
Yep- the big FOUR ZERO.  I was in Rexburg for education week at BYU-Idaho when it happened and for some reason I was having negative memories of my marriage and of the SA program here.  The 2 days previous were not like that.

I thought I'd throw myself a party here, but then who are my real friends? I bagged it.  My family wished me Happy Birthday, but no cake, gifts ext.  That's OK. I wasn't expecting anything and it was a good thing because I got nothing. Beverley gave me a cute bag, shirt and a few other things.  My only gifts.  I don't really need gifts to make me feel special, just time spent with me, acknowledging my presence in this world.  Beverly also took me out to dinner at Sonic for burgers and shakes. 

I thought of blogging about 40 good things about me, my life,  or 40 bad things about my life.  So glad I didn't do either.  While yes- in emotional moments I think, say, know my life has been a HUGE disappointment.  I can't foccus on that though or I'll be a crying mess.  

Something funny happened last night at a pot luck.  At 24 year old kid on a bicycle in cowboy clothes with a huge belt buckle came riding up at the end.  He told me I was a "pretty young lady".  I thought that was funny due to my age.  I asked him to guess my age.  He wouldn't so I told him. He of course told me I don't look it.  Interesting that I've gotten more compliments as I have aged and especially after leaving Jason. Hmmmm...  things that make you go... 

It's 64 or 24....  can't I just find a 44 year old?