Ode to the past.... and hope for the future

I woke up Saturday morning the 5th of January, knowing that Jason had moved on completely.

This one describes our marriage:   

Then I left and he kept trying for a year to get me back. This would be his song at that time:

This would describe my answer to that: 

This represents hope for the future:

Softball and Being Real

Thursday in PE the kids were playing a sort of baseball game in the gym.  I flashed back to being a young teen maybe 14 or 15 and playing softball with Brother Bardsley as the coach.   Two memories: One of him taking me behind the scenes of everything else and standing just feet from me, throwing me the ball, helping me to catch and throw correctly.  He'd move back and back and and we'd keep throwing to each other.  That is the man who taught me to throw a ball. 

Then there was the time that I lost the game for us.  I was up to bat and still sucked at it.  I don't know if I ever got good.  But there was a lot of pressure from both teams of what to do.  To swing or  not to swing. Both teams were yelling at me.  Voices coming from every where of what to do. And who did I listen to?  Not my team, not my friends, not my coach.  I listened to the opposing team.  I listened in essence to the enemies.  I realized Thursday what that means. I didn't trust those people who had me in their care.  I don't think it was "them", (the people on my team that I didn't trust), but the main adults in my life.  I'll leave it at that for the reader to figure it out.  

Or maybe I was just stupid.  Just not mature enough intellectually yet, or maybe both?  But that is how it's been really.  I've been afraid to trust God, because of what he would or would not give me.  I got over that pre-marriage, but I'm trying to figure it out now, not knowing what words, what blessings,  what promises to still put trust in or what to ignore and lay aside.  Lay it aside because I screwed up and screwed up badly, altering the course of my life.

It's sad really to be at this place at 40.  But all I can do is to keep on keeping on and work on getting out of this mess that has me crying at strange times due to strange memories, because I can't compartmentalize. It's all related, all tied together.  What's happening now, with what happened at 15.  I just want it to go away.  To be saved from this all.  But even the financial salvation would still leave me with me and he questions of WHO am I? and What is my life's mission?  Am I a failure?  A looser?  If not, show me.  Show me how not to be.  And please make it easy, because it's been so hard and sometimes I want to throw in the towel, and not try anymore.  I want to give up.  But I don't because I have too much knowledge.  And that is what keeps me here, trying, going to church, teaching the kids in Sunday School, trying to pray and to read my scriptures.  Hoping that the cloud will clear and the light of who I am will shine through and I will find that I am valuable and there was a purpose to this.  A REAL purpose.  More than just consequences.  Is that possible? Is it possible to feel real after a divorce?  To feel real when there is no one love in your life?  To feel real when you are single and most often alone?

Anniversaries

There are a lot of anniversaries associated with my marriage and divorce to Jason.

• May 14 and 15 2011 is when I left Washington. 

• August 5th 2011 divorce final. 

• January 2012 I finally stopped talking to him on the phone.  I wish I had stopped much sooner.  Everyone told me to, but I felt bad for him.  I was thinking he might be my only chance at marriage.  It was that one counselor here that caused me to finally do it.  The first time I met with him as I told him everything he said: "Cease and Desist"  and that was that.  I went home and blocked him.  Life got better after that. 

Two of these first anniversaries are over and I'm glad.  It will get easier and easier the further away it becomes.  While I have the debt he left me to always remind me and keep me from spending money on happier things, I hope that the credit cards will be done by the 5th anniversary.  Due to the generous birthday gift I was able finish paying off one. Three left.  That will be the year (5 years after) I could be an ordinance worker again if I wanted to.  I'm sure by then, the emotions will be in the past, gone and dead. They still come up and not everything is tied to him.  There are other people involved too, but it continues to get better.

Almost 2 weeks later

It's been almost 2 weeks since my last  "broken" post.  I had many things happen that weekend, but I've also had other things happen the weekend after and just the past few days.

 My job in the school system is over for the year.  Today was my last day and I'm glad.  I had thought that I would get quite a bit of unemployment and could mostly take it easy this summer while I work on getting projects done and healing, but that is not to be.  I will only make 161$ a week. This will not allow me to pay all the bills I have. while I will be able to work 5 hours a week and maybe 10 hours a week, that plus unemployment will not be enough, which means I'll need to get at least a part time job.

I know I could easily go get a home caregiver job, but that will not allow me to heal from the last year.  I have a tendency to get attached to people, to do more than is required and it usually doesn't serve me well.   I've been down about having to work.  BUT, last weekend I was mostly alone and realized that the summer with out enough people contact could not be beneficial for me either.  For the first time I had thought maybe I'd need to get a part time job, just to fill the empty space.  Perhaps that was preparing me for what I would find out just days latter.

 You know that LDS pamphlet One For The Money by Elder Marvin J. Ashton (who I hugged at Ricks college years ago)?  I got one over a month ago in RS and I did what it said to do: create a debt-elimination calendar.  With out counting the bank loan that is automatically taken out of my account monthly, if I pay 250 a month on the credit cards I will be out of debt in 3.5 years.  I don't know if that is possible, but I will give it my best shot.

I put new/more duct tape on my car yesterday.  I need to keep that thing running for 3.5 years, basically running it into the ground, until I can afford a car payment.  :(

After Friday the 18th, I woke up Saturday morning wanting to go to the temple.  That is big for me.  Lately I have gone out of duty and obedience. So I was able to get on a 4pm session.  As is typical these days when the lights go down and the movie begins, I bawl.  Again a caring sister held my hand.  Oh, how I'm so thankful for that. I may have been turning my head every which way looking as if I was confused or looking for an answer. I don't know if I physically moved my head around, but mentally I was.  I was OVERWHELMED with being distraught, not knowing how I could be able to move on from this mess, how I would be able to get out of my head the intense pain of what others think of me, who didn't REALLY know what was going on. I had been going to my bishop, going to counseling, etc, but nothing seemed to help.  It was the 1 year anniversary of me leaving Washington and yes, Jason, but I honestly didn't know how this would ever not be in my heart and on my mind in 10 years even after the debt had been paid.

Finally in having no where to turn I cried out in my head to the Lord to take this from me.  And he did almost immediately.  The anger was gone and I could be at peace the rest of the session.  I was even able to open the scriptures up in the celestial room.  The phrase "broken cisterns" came to my mind as if to confirm the idea of being broken. While I could not find a scripture with cisterns  I did find this one:

Isaiah 6:1 and Luke 4:18.... he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted,....

This brought immense peace and as I messaged with another friend on FB I spoke of this verse and in trying to find it again found others. Such as Psalms 34: 18 The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and ^asaveth such as be ^bof a contrite spirit.   Or D&C 138:42  And ^aIsaiah, who declared by prophecy that the Redeemer was anointed to bind up the broken-hearted,......

I had spoken with my counselor about fasting for an extended period of time, telling him about my fathers 2 week fast only drinking water.  It was suggested that I just have a meaningful sincere fast of just 24 hours.  While at the temple I felt to do that.  I had not eaten lunch yet and so began my fast.  

Sunday came and the choir sang beautifully the primary song "If the Savior Stood Beside Me."  I decided that I needed to go to choir and I did that day.

I went to RS and the lesson was suppose to be on the eternity of the soul.  It started out with the sisters sharing about how the plan helps then when loosing someone to death and that thought came to my mind that what we all need to have is an eternal perspective and in thinking and saying this, I knew I had not been doing that at all.  I have been stuck in the pain and the anguish of the here and now.   As I was speaking I broke down- really broke down and a sister I didn't know left her seat and came to hug me.  As the lesson went on, I shared again about my experience in the temple and how I was feeling about those who thought I was the bad guy.  I wept again and more stories came out about divorce.  It felt like a divorce support group-what one is suppose to be like. I heard much worse stories than mine; greater debt, extreme lies, loosing children, etc.  One sister told me to get over myself.  While I understand where she is coming from my pain and anguish wasn't just about the divorce.  It's about the money, the financial strain, not being able to put food on my own table.  It's about leaving my HOME of 20 plus years and all my friends and support system.  It's about not liking my job, really needing to do something different, but HOW?  It's about the abuse I've suffered from.  It's about the less than effective SA program here.  It's about the possibility of never being married again, not having children. It's about how I've screwed up at work quite a bit.  It's not Simple. It's not. But I did go home feeling better.

Then I went to choir practice and we sang the hymn Sweet Hour of Prayer.  I wrote this in my journal: And since he bids me seek his face, Believe his word, and trust his grace, I'll cast oh him my every care, And wait for thee, sweet hour of prayer.

He's asking us to seek his face.  Joseph Smith wanted us all to find out about God.  We are to cast on him our every care and wait for HIM!  I always thought it was wait for the hour of prayer. 

Then I find this on line:

What are our myths of Peter? How do the scriptures make meaning out of him?

Peter is the one who walks on water, but gets frightened and sinks (Matt 14: 28-31), the one who tries to defend the Prince of Peace by cutting off a servant's ear (John 18: 10), the one who denies Christ and bitterly weeps (Matt 26: 75), the one who has and embraces a movement-changing vision (Acts 10: 9-28),
but later gets rebuked by Paul for being afraid of revealing how far
that vision has taken his faith from his people's customs (Gal 2: 11-14).

Our myth of Peter is a one of our greatest myths of discipleship and church
leadership. It is about miraculous faith accompanied by devastating
failures in faith, about startling visions and doctrines coupled with
burdensome day-to-day business and persistent inequalities. We don't
expect Peter to do everything right, or to embody every positive
principle. Part of his myth is the ways that he falls short and fails.
(Can we see Christ's grace in Peter's stumbling?)

I think if Peter goes through stuff like this, then I guess It's normal for me too.  I guess I don't have to compare myself to Laurel, to Paige, to Aimee, to Nikki, to Sarah my sister. ( As I closed the folding walls I thought of my YW room and those years with Rachel and Linda Pope and Dawn Thompson and the thought of sitting there again and having to share my life with the Aimee, Paige, Nikki, and others- I sure as heck wouldn't.  I would want to be just like I was then, full of anger, hiding under it) My trials do not take away my worth as one of the woman said after relief society.  And that's what I've been doing. Thinking that due to my trial,( of over 20 years) I am again "less than".  Less of a person with Less worth.

I called Ruth and heard her sad story.  No longer do I judge.  Her situation is SO much worse than mine and regardless of it being some of her making, it is TERRIBLE.  I'm sure she feels more of a failure than I do, wants her life to end more than I do. I do not want her trials.

On Monday during recess I sung in my head that primary song "If The Savior Stood Beside Me" every time I felt negative thoughts about the kids. It did well until recess #3 and I took the tune and made up songs of the mean things I'd want to do with the kids. 

However I felt as if I had turned a corner.  The anger was gone for a week and much if not most of it is gone completely. 

The next Friday I missed my meds and Sat I was a mess and spent an hour writing in my journal about all those and other girls/women I grew up with and comparing my life to theirs.  That is not healthy.  Comparison is the thief of joy.

The First Year In Numbers

On May 14, 2011 I left Washington where I had lived a little over 20 years of my 38 years of life and drove into Idaho. 

1 float trip down the Boise River.
1 dog park in Nampa gone to lots and lots of times.
1 temporary dog park in Twin
1 car accident costing me almost 900 dollars
1 camping trip
1 trip to the Boise Zoo with family 
1 family wedding- Eric (my nephew) and Shelley in October in the Salt Lake temple.
1 pedicure 
1 16 year old Sunday School class I teach with 4 boys and 2 girls.
1 single adult Bunco game party.
1 single adult FHE group.
1  free "pattern changing" class through the Nampa Family Justice Center for women getting out of abusive relationships. Loved that class!
1 divorce support group with the Nazarene Church- not all that great.
1 trip to Rexburg Idaho- WOW has it changed!
1 LDS doctor who is also on the High Counsel in his stake with my therapist. 
1 free fake Christmas tree via a SA dinner.
1 crown and a red sash for being queen of the new year at a SA dance. (people wore jeans!)
1 roommate named Yentl in Twin.  She works nights, I work days. She's LDS and likes the dogs.  It works.
1 crown  and sash at the New Years Eve dance- my first ever.

2 towns lived in: Nampa and Twin Falls, one in a basement and the second in a duplex.
2 bishops, the first- has some things to learn, the second- awesome.
2 companies worked for- Assisting Hands (3 families) and Pro-Active Advantage (3 schools, 4 kids).
2 counselors- one a woman, not LDS, one named Jason who is awesome and LDS.
2 female friends in their 50's.  Beverly, divorced with 2 dogs in Nampa, Robyn, widowed with 1 dog  in Twin who also is in my ward and works for the same company I do. 
2 visitors from friends in Washington- Janea and her family, Donna and her extended family- both while I'm in Nampa.
2 great nieces and nephews hugged and kissed all summer long- Elli and Liam.
2 dinner invites by members of the ward- one in each. 
2 deaf neighbors in Twin.
2 high school graduations- Willy and Amber, now both at BYU-Idaho.
2 different sleep aids so I can get to sleep and don't fall asleep at work!  Both not addictive or for pain.
2 awesome friends who offered for me to come live with them and heal.  Both are married with families.  Cherelyn Linde and Angie Conlin.  Meant the world to me. 
2 visits/calls from the Sharif about my dogs from a lovely neighbor :(

3 mom sleep overs at my house to go to the temple and help me with my house and things.
3 temples- Boise (been before I moved here) Twin Falls- first time. I live 3 miles from, Rexburg, first time. 
3 testimonies born in church.
3 dog sleep overs with Sadie the Golden Retriever who came to my house at my request.
4 or 5 trips to a man made lake in Nampa area for the dogs to swim in.
4 really weird single adult dances- cow boy poetry, belly dancing and jeans at New Yeats Eve. 
5 hair cuts- 3 really bad ones :(
6 months of food stamps, 6 months and counting of food orders from the church.
A few more friends made. 
Too many to count trips to thrift and craft stores.
A hundred thousand tears cried. 

Notes from Sunday

From Sacrament meeting: 
A 10 or 11 year old boy got up and shared how he doesn't feel apart of his family, feels in essence neglected and maybe shouldn't be apart of the family.  I heard he has aspbergers, but have not interacted with him so don't know for sure.  With me teaching about King Benjamins address I realized that he feels like the "dust of the earth" and in his need, his awareness he turned to God to pray. The message being once we see our own nothingness, that we are unprofitable servants, we see our need for the Savior so clearly.

From Sunday School: 
From a Meridian Magazine gospel doctrine article, the spirit told me to do:
1. Lay down my life (my marriage, my divorce and my situation now) for the Lord.
2. Develop an independent relationship with God.
3. Become less dependent upon the approval of others for a sense of personal worth.

From giving my lesson and watching the BOM video presentation # 3 and reading Mosiah 3:19

For the ^anatural ^bman is an ^cenemy to God, and has been from the ^dfall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he ^eyields to the enticings of the Holy ^fSpirit, and ^gputteth off the ^hnatural man and becometh a ⁱsaint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a ^jchild, ^ksubmissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to

That part of submitting to what the Lord will "INFLICT" on us is strange in a way, but I realized that Abraham submitted to Jehovah  in the sacrifice of Issac and likewise Issac submitted to his father- all inflictions!

In preparing my lesson I need to be clear to myself, what principles I will be teaching and what I will testify of at the end. That will make it go smoother and help me to have it more prepared. 

From Relief Society: 
The RS president and Bishop is not all knowing, like the Godhead, so that's why there is VT, HT, to inform them of needs that can meet, but can't see. 

When someone has physical needs it is hard to focus on spiritual needs - Bishop Mix

Avoid debt like the plague.(I couldn't help but think of Jason)

The church welfare principles and programs sustain life, not lifestyle! Bishop said every situation he has worked with has been completely different in what he suggests families to get rid of or keep.

Bishops are to SEEK out the poor. (I couldn't help but think of the bishop in Nampa)

Park of the Lords Store House is not just our money and food storage, but also our talents,our time, our prayers, etc.

My thoughts and wishes:

I'd really like to do posts about my marriage with Jason and how messaged up it was, about how he hurt me.  I'd like to put it in categories.  I can't stop thinking about it, about the situations.  I also wish I could let the couple who introduced us the financial situation he left me in, regardless of him giving me 1/2 of his meager retirement and him spending the second 1/2 by himself with in 2 to 3 months. I'd like them to know what I experienced.  They only have one view and honestly I'm really angry at them, but I know I shouldn't and so I won't. I'll write it out, but not share it. 

I'd like to do blog posts about the creeds of Christianity and how scripture blasts it away.

I'd also like to put in one place the scriptures in all standard works that teach the basic same principle in different words with more added to it.  

My Heart and a Bishop

Remember this post? I realized latter that it was a loss, hence why the huge anger and tears. I lost a place to go for help, a possible supporter, a confidante, the Lords voice. I've always had that. Never had I felt like I did then about a bishop.

Today I went to see my new bishop. What a difference. He knew I needed to speak to him, before I even asked (it's not hard when you're crying all through sacrament mtg). He prayed before hand the most beautiful complete prayer. He listened, he asked questions, he spoke words of comfort. Oh I wanted to praise his name to the Lord, to praise the Lord.

He asked first about my childhood, what kind of family life I had. He asked about my mission. Elder Gardner came up. Turns out I did the right things. I wasn't as bad as I thought.

I told him about my marriage, about how things are now and about my finances. These are some of the things he said:

The Spirit tells me your a good person. I'm here as the Savior. I take that seriously. I'm here to help you get to happy again.

The Spirit tells me the Lord loves you. He knows exactly what you're going through. This is a trial, a trial of your faith.

Something that everyone else out there has experiences just like this, or a family member that has so close to this.

You'll be stronger because of this. You'll look back and understand why you had to go through this.

Maybe you're here to help me, or I'm here to help you.

You will have an opportunity in the future to marry again, I don't know when or with who, I haven't felt anything about that.

Let's talk some more.

Counseling may be something we can do.

Oh, what a difference! What a relief. I know I am in good hands. Really good hands.
I must of needed to move here for him! He had me end in prayer. I thanked the Lord for him.

my crying complaints: too many women, not enough men

I think I've been to 4 firesides now and 2 activities. The firesides are nice, but shallow in doctrine if you've studied the scriptures like I have. Two of them have been about that. I could do a better job at a fireside, but it's only because I have obtained the ideas I use from so many sources. The people are nice. Unless it's a mid-single group everyone is old, older, or much older. In the mid-singles activities is lots of women and a few men. Women with children mostly.

I go home so emptied of hope for a future with a man and a family. There are so many choices for the men and I'm just not that pretty, thin, or have a great career. It's really depressing. I know I need to focus on healing and finding myself again, getting my confidence back. It's hard because the phone calls and texts have still been going on with Jason. I know I shouldn't answer or reply. He basically begs me to come back, calls me beautiful, apologizes for yelling and says he'll never do it again, but during the day when I think of him, its the negative stuff. If I go back it would be out of fear of never finding anyone, spending the rest of my life alone, and because he's so sad and wants me. It's not about love. I'm sure I'd go back and be depressed still and want to leave again.

So,what is a girl to do? I shared in the fireside tonight about if you look for the qualities and attributes of the Godhead your faith will increase in them. It's true, when I did it for years. I started to believe, to really believe in the promises he'd made to me for year - 17 promises of marriage and family and it got me to where I was when I met Jason. I was OK with being single, had men to flirt with, but had faith in those promises. But now...... I just don't know what to believe, what to pray for, what to do.

Sometimes I want to be a hermit and hide from the rest of the world. I'm sobbing right now as I type this. I wasn't planning on doing a post like his.

My life is depressing. I work with depressing people, and if I get this job I will need to be under constant vigilance of the mentally ill, disabled person I'll be with. That doesn't sound much like a life. I used to wonder what my patriarchal blessing said when it mentioned "those that are less fortunate" than me. We'll that was silly- heck- just wait a year or two and boom- it's completely clear.

But I'm suppose to find happiness now, know Heavenly Father loves me. Sure I'll do that surrounded by people who have husbands and children. I just don't want to be alone!

I was such a joke thinking before that I was at the "top of my game" as Elder Gardner put it, because I didn't marry the wrong person, didn't have a failed marriage, or children, or baggage. I need to just stop thinking anything and then nothing will happen to me.

New Job, so I'm not going !

I got a job at Petco today as a assistant groomer. I'll be washing and brushing the dogs. In 3 to 6 months I can start training to be a groomer. With out this I'd have to go to school. It's about 32 hours a week. I'll be off every night at 6 and is in Nampa, next to the Costco, Target and across the freeway from Winco! Everyone seems nice there so far.

I'll try and make the 2 jobs work together, but I suspect that I will cut out some hours- hopefully the ones in Boise so it's less driving.

I've also made another decision. I will not be going to the "divorce care" group. Time is so precious and if you're not filling my bucket, forget it! I have other books to read, other people to be with that do fill my bucket. So, the book goes back and the money comes back too! I feel good about this. It makes the decision easier to tell them it's because of a job. I brought treats in last time, so I think that was a good send off!

Figured it Out

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I've been attending a "divorce support" group. Well, it's a little different than what a true one probably is. This Nazarene church uses programs- christian videos and such. I went through "divorce recovery", which was 6 weeks. Today started "divorce care". No one but the instructor (I think she's paid) knows I'm LDS and not because I told her. Tonight I paid 8 dollars for a work book. I looked through it while the video was on and it's alright. I have been fluctuating about this class, should I go or bag it. The people are good, and what they are saying is good, but..... I couldn't put my finger on it before, but tonight afterwords in thinking about it I figured it out.

What they are teaching I've been getting every Sunday for my whole life. How to handle problems and a support system for doing so is already in place. I go to church for 3 hours, study the scriptures there where we all participate and think, not just listen to some one else expound. We are encouraged to read scriptures ourselves, to VT, to .... the list goes on. Think of it- what the prophets say, what the books say in RS, in Gospel doctrine, etc. Think of all the books we've been through all these years and the things we've gleamed. What they are offering me is not new to me at all. Besides the fact that marriage and divorce takes on a deeper meaning to us.

So I'm glad I figured it out. Will I keep going? I don't know. I'll take it week by week.

This is the book we'll be using.

Five for Friday

1. I am not doing that 31 days of reading proverbs. It's just not the right time for me and it's not doing anything for my spirit and that's important right now. There are other months with 31 days in it. This is what the Bible dictionary says about Proverbs.

There is much in it that does not rise above the plane of worldly wisdom, but throughout it is taken for granted that “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (1:7; 9:10). The least spiritual of the Proverbs are valuable as reminding us that the voice of Divine Inspiration does not disdain to utter homely truths.

2. I'm reading The Book of Mormon instead. I'm looking for scriptures about the atonement specifically because of this quote and also about God the Father. Here are some other cool things I've found and how I'm looking at them.
A. The most important thing you can teach your children according to Elder Ballard is that they are children of God.

One day, years ago, I was at a seminary meeting where Elder Ballard was speaking to us – and he said something that I will never, ever forget. He said, “If my grandchild were in your classroom, there is one thing I would want to be certain that you taught them….” Now pause, for a moment – before he finished that statement, I remember being so impacted by it. He was making our classroom personal to someone that he cared deeply about, so I knew he was going to say something that I should heed. So, I was on the edge of my chair and ready to learn whatever he was going to say. He finished that sentence by saying, “I would want you to teach them that they are children of God.” (From this blog)

B. 1 Nephi 11:7 And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.

C. 1 Nephi 15:14 And at that day shall the remnant of our ^aseed ^bknow that they are of the house of Israel, and that they are the ^ccovenant people of the Lord; and then shall they know and ^dcome to the ^eknowledge of their forefathers, and also to the knowledge of the gospel of their Redeemer, which was ministered unto their fathers by him; wherefore, they shall come to the knowledge of their Redeemer and the very points of his doctrine, that they may know how to come unto him and be saved.

Knowing you are not just a child of God, but a covenant people of the Lord according to this scripture tells us 3 other important truths as well. They are 1. I know my past, my history. (not only the history of the children of Israel, but my history from the very beginning of time) 2. I know the gospel of my Redeemer. 3. I know how to come unto him and be saved!

Wow- that's a lot huh!

Do you see the progression? A few years ago I thought- so what I'm a child of God- so is everyone else- that doesn't make me special. But someone said to me- basically the message in that last scripture. You are a child of God who has been baptized, who has made covenants in the temple, who has access to the priesthood.

3. I am back to the job search for a job that will pay my bills. I'm only working 12 to 17 hours a week and only making 8.50 an hour. Not enough. I thought I had some good paying jobs just waiting for me, but they didn't come to pass, so I start again with a serious job search. Your prayers on my behalf would be appreciated.

4. FLEAS, FLEAS EVERYWHERE. I can't lay down in my bed, I can't sit down in my car with out being bit. Sadie, my sisters golden retriever got them from spending the night with me. No more dog sleep overs. If you know me, you know of my OCD behavior of scratching and picking my wounds. My legs are the ugliest they have ever been. I'm trying everything I possibly can- vinegar in the dogs water, garlic pills for me, cedar chips under the bed, bombing the house, borax in the carpet. Something has to work. Once I have the biting stopped and the wounds healed I can focus on putting fade cream on the scars. Maybe next summer I'll have nice legs, maybe, just maybe

5. I've been going to this divorce support group. We basically watch videos- a series of 6- from this Christian guy. I would rather spend my time talking than watching a video. It's in the basement of a Nazarene Church. Everyone in the group is Christian. No one knows I'm a Mormon. The videos are OK, the people in the group are really good people. I hear things about being saved, and laying on of hands, swear words, and prayers with Amen's, and yes in the middle from the one not voicing the prayer. We pray holding hands in a circle.

But my situation is so different and because of my beliefs it's different. (Marriage can be for eternity, is a gospel ordinance, I will only marry a temple recommend worthy Mormon so my choices are limited, I have no children and I may not have any.) Those things are a HUGE difference to what they are dealing with. They may have been married for 14 years or 8 years, or what ever and have children, and that is hugely painful, but the lack of the knowledge of eternity and the WHY of marriage makes it so different. I think about Ensign talks that the instructor should share with us. (I will give them to her) I think of reading stuff to make next time (if there is a next time) better. I think of how to say the things other say with gospel words, scripture words.

I tell you this because I don't know if I will continue. The next class will be "divorce care". I usually get something out of the class, but sometimes not. Maybe I will do a few classes and see if it helps with anything. My pattern changing class is telling me that I need to be number one, I need to take care of myself and to give myself a gift at least once a week. This divorce class is either good for me or it is taking up my time. These people do social things together on Friday nights, go camping, go the park after class and I just can't see myself really meshing with these people, really opening up and being me. I need LDS friends. While it's a good opportunity to share the gospel, and I'm not sure why I haven't shared my particular faith with them (No one else has), I guess because I'm afraid of trying to be "saved", convinced I'm wrong, shouldn't be there, etc. But I'm learning that I even have to be honest with the people in my ward that I'm divorced. It's making me who I am. It is who I am. I can't hide that, because I doing so I hide myself. So I will share, when the time is right with my ward who I really am and I will continue to think about and see if I will continue with this divorce christian group.