Insight Into Me: Emotional vs. Professional

I got on this new med a few weeks ago and instantly it worked.  It's been a few weeks now and I feel silly for waiting this long to go to a doctor and say I'm on this med and it's not working.  I thought it was just my life situations, yet I could not see a way out of being me.  I didn't have these problems to this extent in Washington.  I know I can't blame Idaho for it. I feel and handle the marriage and debt thing differently after almost 2 years, so I just didn't know what to do.  While it has not fixed my need to speed while driving, it has fixed my instinct to get mean and angry. 

For instance I could not for the life of me stop being angry at the kids at Gooding HS. I could not stop myself from saying insulting things to those kids. I was just as stupid as they were, just in a different way.  I sabotaged myself, it would seem.

I've been fired 3 times from 3 different PSR companies in 10 months. PSR stands for psychosocial rehabilitation.  It is a job that has no handbook, no how-to manual or even a PSR for dumbies book.  It's assumed that because you have a 4 year degree in something related to psychology that you know how to deal with people with mental illnesses.  Illnesses that are for the most part not medicated.

I did the job for 1.5 years.  A week before I lost the last position I thought to myself "I'm finally getting this. I finally know how to do this job!".  Ironic or just bad timing?  I had done lots of research and found resources, but the learning curve was pretty big and in reality it goes back to me, for I've learned also that it's about boundaries. I've had terrible boundaries in my personal as well as professional life.  Depressing to think about that at age 40 I'm finally getting it. Once again I am a late bloomer.

I've made some of the same mistakes with subbing too- the boundary ones.  For subbing it's like a continuum.  Enemy on one end, personal control in the middle and friend on the opposite end.  I've been everywhere on the line, but now I really SEE HOW to BE so as not to be on the negative ends professionally.

Enemy_______ Personal Control________Friend

I've finally been able to turn to prayer too.  Real, on my knees by my bed, what I need prayer.  It's been since 2009 since I've had daily prayer like that.  Maybe that too is due to the meds?   What ever it is I'm thankful.  Thankful and when I think too long about it, I worry about not doing it on my own. But for now I'm releaved.   It seems I've been a new person and it's a better me, not worse.

Sometimes it's felt like I've been a wave in the ocean, up and down, crashing or building, but no happiness of just floating and enjoying the water and sun.  Happiness is heavily tied to life satisfaction.  I hope to find some satisfaction soon. 

Tell the Drama to your Llama!

Guess what-- You're the Llama!

DRAMA ONE    About 2 months ago I could not sleep, so I got up and wrote 2 pages to the couple who introduced Jason  and I, and supposedly counseled us.  What a joke!  The letter was good healing for me and I didn't cry or get angry about them afterwords .... until just a few days ago.  I put some money in my credit union and headed home.  That's when the tears and anger started again and It didn't stop.  I was SO mad at them.  They were clueless about Jason's spending, about the money my mom gave me from my inheritance to pay bills. Double and then some of what he took out of his retirement to pay HIS and OUR bills.   I woke up the  next morning and did the same thing.   I'm not sure what set it off, but I had a mind to just write a letter and this time send it.  Just facts this time.  The first letter was harsh and hurtful and clearly expressed how deeply I was wronged.  I've been fine for 2 days now, but.....

DRAMA TWO   Then there is the issue of "The Talk."   I've been in my current ward for 1 year and 3 months now and have I been asked to speak in sacrament meeting?  NO!  If your married and/or have a cute family then of course they ask you to speak with in like 2 months.  Not us singles.  I've come to realize that it's being a respecter of persons, which is not a good thing.

I like pubic speaking and some years back- maybe 8, I had 4 or 5 talk out lines ready to give if I was ever asked.  I wasn't.  I still have them but I'm sure with new life experiences they would be changed somewhat.
So every day for like 3 to 4 weeks I've been giving the "let me introduce myself" portion of the talk out loud to no one or in my head.  It's not pretty.   It's full of bitterness, looking down at others, trying to prove that I am something or at least WAS something.  That's what I figured out- it's about a self- esteem wack.

I'd mention things about:

How many countries in Europe I'd been to (8).
How many states I've visited (2/3rds)
My Israel and BOM lands cruise. 
Then I tell them about my HUGE family- 7 kids, 26 nieces and nephews, 11 great nieces and nephews.
I'd tell them about how I came to this earth (through my father following the prophet).
I speak about how Twin Falls is clueless about the SA program.
How Idaho is just full of Farmers who have never left the state and know nothing of the outside world.
Of course I mention my wards with millionaires in it.
The CEO of Expedia being in the bishopric, the millionaire stake presidents, single men making 6 figures a year.
I'd point out that men here are so proud of of making 50K at a cheese, dairy or yogurt factory and I cringe.  Cringe because I sure as heck don't want to date them and don't want to live in Idaho the rest of my life and sure as heck don't want to raise kids that have only experienced this, because we couldn't afford it.
I'd tell them how I was a tree hugger, how I'm NOT from Idaho.
I'd mention callings- you know- give them my "church resume"- seminary teacher, temple ordinance worker, my mission. 
I'd tell them that the church was the same everywhere, except for the SA program here in ID.  O gosh I had/have the list of beefs that everyone else is CLUELESS about.
I'd mention my marriage, that it was abusive on 4 different levels.  That I had to come here to heal among strangers.  

Can you feel the pride?  The enmity? So can they. 

I couldn't stop doing this.  It was like an addiction. I didn't know why, and then all of a sudden I realized it was an effort to build me up (or at least knock them down), to show value in my self.  Clearly I didn't have any.  A few weeks previous I remembered what I had learned about 10 years earlier- that men don't find angry and bitter women attractive and this time I learned that neither do women.  While doing my scripture study I did some foot note searches and found out of the blue scriptures that we don't really use for  the topic of pride.  It was good for me, but "the talk" still continued.

One night I couldn't sleep.  I was up crying and doing basically the same thing- reviewing the past.  How was I going to make it stop?  When it hit me- my word for the year- TURN!  Turn from the PAST to the FUTURE.  So... what of my future?

DRAMA THREE   I've been subbing and some days have been good.  The para-ed's have liked me and other's it's been.... I've been... "demanding" of kids that are lazy, not trying, stupid, etc and I have not treated them nicely.  Geese Becky,  didn't you learn your lesson in Gooding?  I mean  do your job and shut up!  Don't insult the kids!  Don't loose patience! And be nice- ya know- like Jesus would. I subbed in HS resource room, but I was also on NO meds. That combination = trouble. I don't have the kindness and patience and ability to make connections with those kids.  I see problems that need to be disciplined, not kids that need to be reached.

I can't be a teacher.  I don't have the patience.  You have to be SO on your toes ALL THE TIME- with class work, behavior, preparing for next day, next week, etc.  It's to much for my brain to handle.   One on one PSR is good.  I've thought about foster care for the money and helping too, but mostly the money.

My future.  What does it hold?  More schooling?  More low paying jobs with no benefits.  Maybe school and then perhaps another failure or another low paying job. What do I do?  The bishop mentioned 'career goals' in his last email to me.  Here's the deal- I don't have career goals.  I never have.  I had the get married and be a mommy career plans.  I kept waiting for that to happen and it never did. Now I'm 40.

I'm working 2 low paying jobs that in a month will go up to almost 15 an hour.  Subbing which is... random and only 65 a day.  And in the summer?  Then what?  I don't have unemployment till Aug 2013.  I need to find a better job.  I need a roommate.  So what did I do?  I filled out applications for low income housing.  I qualify.  I probably qualify for help with heating bills too and also Medicare or caide - what ever it is.  Aren't I just the college grad success story? 

What's fun is my sisters who are judgmental about Ruth and I. What would they be doing with no husband to buy them big homes and trips?  How would their self-esteem be?  Could they go to church every Sunday and feel equal?  Could they support themselves with a pre-school teachers income or what ever they went to school for?  NOPE, but they judge.

I'm judgmental about teachers in Gospel Doctrine.  I didn't participate too much in last weeks SA get together. I played games on my phone instead.  Then there's the SA progam here.... I don't even want to get into that.

The lady who I almost killed on the motorcycle is wanting 1 million dollars from me.  Will they go to mom? Only time will tell.  Mom can give them 1/4 of a million from insurance.

While at times there is a longing to be a super mom, to have a great marriage, mostly I see kids at HS kissing and I want to puke.  I don't like fat guys. I don't like being on top.  I don't the idea of being poor.  Sometimes I'm too bold, too blunt and almost crude at times- in my head mostly. I started a thread on BYU-Idaho Alumni page on FB and it caused some to not be happy.  While there is so much more I want to say to others, I filter.  Scott Mowrer would be proud- his and his million dollar traveling family now.  Ya'd think the rich could throw the poor a bone every once in a while. I love being left behind.

But I'm taking this Llama thing to a gripping session and that's not what I wanted to do.  So I end here.  It's too long.  Most won't read it and I don't have a big readership anyhow.  But it's out there.  Out there for someone to maybe respond.

On a positive note, I'm reading the scriptures every night from the original copy BOM look alike. 

Almost 2 weeks later

It's been almost 2 weeks since my last  "broken" post.  I had many things happen that weekend, but I've also had other things happen the weekend after and just the past few days.

 My job in the school system is over for the year.  Today was my last day and I'm glad.  I had thought that I would get quite a bit of unemployment and could mostly take it easy this summer while I work on getting projects done and healing, but that is not to be.  I will only make 161$ a week. This will not allow me to pay all the bills I have. while I will be able to work 5 hours a week and maybe 10 hours a week, that plus unemployment will not be enough, which means I'll need to get at least a part time job.

I know I could easily go get a home caregiver job, but that will not allow me to heal from the last year.  I have a tendency to get attached to people, to do more than is required and it usually doesn't serve me well.   I've been down about having to work.  BUT, last weekend I was mostly alone and realized that the summer with out enough people contact could not be beneficial for me either.  For the first time I had thought maybe I'd need to get a part time job, just to fill the empty space.  Perhaps that was preparing me for what I would find out just days latter.

 You know that LDS pamphlet One For The Money by Elder Marvin J. Ashton (who I hugged at Ricks college years ago)?  I got one over a month ago in RS and I did what it said to do: create a debt-elimination calendar.  With out counting the bank loan that is automatically taken out of my account monthly, if I pay 250 a month on the credit cards I will be out of debt in 3.5 years.  I don't know if that is possible, but I will give it my best shot.

I put new/more duct tape on my car yesterday.  I need to keep that thing running for 3.5 years, basically running it into the ground, until I can afford a car payment.  :(

After Friday the 18th, I woke up Saturday morning wanting to go to the temple.  That is big for me.  Lately I have gone out of duty and obedience. So I was able to get on a 4pm session.  As is typical these days when the lights go down and the movie begins, I bawl.  Again a caring sister held my hand.  Oh, how I'm so thankful for that. I may have been turning my head every which way looking as if I was confused or looking for an answer. I don't know if I physically moved my head around, but mentally I was.  I was OVERWHELMED with being distraught, not knowing how I could be able to move on from this mess, how I would be able to get out of my head the intense pain of what others think of me, who didn't REALLY know what was going on. I had been going to my bishop, going to counseling, etc, but nothing seemed to help.  It was the 1 year anniversary of me leaving Washington and yes, Jason, but I honestly didn't know how this would ever not be in my heart and on my mind in 10 years even after the debt had been paid.

Finally in having no where to turn I cried out in my head to the Lord to take this from me.  And he did almost immediately.  The anger was gone and I could be at peace the rest of the session.  I was even able to open the scriptures up in the celestial room.  The phrase "broken cisterns" came to my mind as if to confirm the idea of being broken. While I could not find a scripture with cisterns  I did find this one:

Isaiah 6:1 and Luke 4:18.... he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted,....

This brought immense peace and as I messaged with another friend on FB I spoke of this verse and in trying to find it again found others. Such as Psalms 34: 18 The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and ^asaveth such as be ^bof a contrite spirit.   Or D&C 138:42  And ^aIsaiah, who declared by prophecy that the Redeemer was anointed to bind up the broken-hearted,......

I had spoken with my counselor about fasting for an extended period of time, telling him about my fathers 2 week fast only drinking water.  It was suggested that I just have a meaningful sincere fast of just 24 hours.  While at the temple I felt to do that.  I had not eaten lunch yet and so began my fast.  

Sunday came and the choir sang beautifully the primary song "If the Savior Stood Beside Me."  I decided that I needed to go to choir and I did that day.

I went to RS and the lesson was suppose to be on the eternity of the soul.  It started out with the sisters sharing about how the plan helps then when loosing someone to death and that thought came to my mind that what we all need to have is an eternal perspective and in thinking and saying this, I knew I had not been doing that at all.  I have been stuck in the pain and the anguish of the here and now.   As I was speaking I broke down- really broke down and a sister I didn't know left her seat and came to hug me.  As the lesson went on, I shared again about my experience in the temple and how I was feeling about those who thought I was the bad guy.  I wept again and more stories came out about divorce.  It felt like a divorce support group-what one is suppose to be like. I heard much worse stories than mine; greater debt, extreme lies, loosing children, etc.  One sister told me to get over myself.  While I understand where she is coming from my pain and anguish wasn't just about the divorce.  It's about the money, the financial strain, not being able to put food on my own table.  It's about leaving my HOME of 20 plus years and all my friends and support system.  It's about not liking my job, really needing to do something different, but HOW?  It's about the abuse I've suffered from.  It's about the less than effective SA program here.  It's about the possibility of never being married again, not having children. It's about how I've screwed up at work quite a bit.  It's not Simple. It's not. But I did go home feeling better.

Then I went to choir practice and we sang the hymn Sweet Hour of Prayer.  I wrote this in my journal: And since he bids me seek his face, Believe his word, and trust his grace, I'll cast oh him my every care, And wait for thee, sweet hour of prayer.

He's asking us to seek his face.  Joseph Smith wanted us all to find out about God.  We are to cast on him our every care and wait for HIM!  I always thought it was wait for the hour of prayer. 

Then I find this on line:

What are our myths of Peter? How do the scriptures make meaning out of him?

Peter is the one who walks on water, but gets frightened and sinks (Matt 14: 28-31), the one who tries to defend the Prince of Peace by cutting off a servant's ear (John 18: 10), the one who denies Christ and bitterly weeps (Matt 26: 75), the one who has and embraces a movement-changing vision (Acts 10: 9-28),
but later gets rebuked by Paul for being afraid of revealing how far
that vision has taken his faith from his people's customs (Gal 2: 11-14).

Our myth of Peter is a one of our greatest myths of discipleship and church
leadership. It is about miraculous faith accompanied by devastating
failures in faith, about startling visions and doctrines coupled with
burdensome day-to-day business and persistent inequalities. We don't
expect Peter to do everything right, or to embody every positive
principle. Part of his myth is the ways that he falls short and fails.
(Can we see Christ's grace in Peter's stumbling?)

I think if Peter goes through stuff like this, then I guess It's normal for me too.  I guess I don't have to compare myself to Laurel, to Paige, to Aimee, to Nikki, to Sarah my sister. ( As I closed the folding walls I thought of my YW room and those years with Rachel and Linda Pope and Dawn Thompson and the thought of sitting there again and having to share my life with the Aimee, Paige, Nikki, and others- I sure as heck wouldn't.  I would want to be just like I was then, full of anger, hiding under it) My trials do not take away my worth as one of the woman said after relief society.  And that's what I've been doing. Thinking that due to my trial,( of over 20 years) I am again "less than".  Less of a person with Less worth.

I called Ruth and heard her sad story.  No longer do I judge.  Her situation is SO much worse than mine and regardless of it being some of her making, it is TERRIBLE.  I'm sure she feels more of a failure than I do, wants her life to end more than I do. I do not want her trials.

On Monday during recess I sung in my head that primary song "If The Savior Stood Beside Me" every time I felt negative thoughts about the kids. It did well until recess #3 and I took the tune and made up songs of the mean things I'd want to do with the kids. 

However I felt as if I had turned a corner.  The anger was gone for a week and much if not most of it is gone completely. 

The next Friday I missed my meds and Sat I was a mess and spent an hour writing in my journal about all those and other girls/women I grew up with and comparing my life to theirs.  That is not healthy.  Comparison is the thief of joy.

Something Great

I've always wanted to do something great, to be someone great. I have lots of great friends. Friends (like Annette and Laurel) who have published books, have CD talks out or offer themselves to a world that needs to hear what they have to say. I have other friends too (like Ann and Janea) who are great on a smaller scale- not book, or CD's, but people- LOTS and LOTS of people. But when I think of my friends in life- roommates from college, friends from single adult days and even friends now who are married( like Bobbie or Loha), I wish I could be more like them or at least more unique like me so what I have to offer matters. Really matters in this life.

During my dark days of singleness I remember thinking if your not a wife and a mother, what are you? What have you given? The answer was nothing and to me it meant that I had nothing to give hence why I wasn't having that blessing happen. Yet I also contradicted those thoughts with 'I'm not that ugly, I'm righteous, I KNOW the scripture, I serve, I'm a good person, I have righteous desires and they are cute and young and dumb and prettier or thinner than me and that's why they get what they have not grieved over.

Lucikly before I got married I got over it and just enjoyed my life, but now that I'm married, I see that it is not about married status at all. It was solely about you! I didn't have to shame myself or be prideful at all. It is about who you ARE and who you are BECOMING.

It's about what this quote says:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.”


I had a blessing once that said the same thing essentially. "I have a personality that delights men and women and it does not serve me well when I hide it."

I've always wanted to be old. I grew up with to many old people- my parents and my siblings, and I knew that older was better. Life lessons were learned- you just lived. Mistake had already been made and you just watched others make mistakes.There was less to worry about it seems. I wanted and still sometimes want to be over with the mistakes, and the worry and the becoming and just BE, just live.

I know what my patriarchal blessing says.

• "Great ladies of my time as I teach and give direction"
  
• "greater understanding of life"
• "Many people will gather around you and call you blessed"
• "having the spiritual and temporal needs to help those who come to my door"
• "Helping those who are less fortunate than me"

I can put names behind those quotes of the people I mentioned above that have done those things, are doing those things. So the question remains: AM I? Am I those things? If not am I becoming those things?

What started all of this you probably didn't ask yourself. Well here's the quote that did.

History hinges upon seemingly small and simple souls. Keep moving forward.

I guess I want to be a small and simple soul who in the end makes a difference. So I will increase my efforts to be a better me and keep moving forward.

a third blog?

I really want to create a new blog. This one will be about the scriptures, the gospel and study I do. I've always been big into researching a subjects and linking my thoughts together. I want a place to keep track of it all. I've already got a few posts from this blog I can add to the new one and I already have studying done that begs to be organized. It's just a matter of time- when it will happen and the time to make it happen!

Here's the address to my new blog: http://myfirstlovethescriptures.blogspot.com/

Maybe Not

A few maybe not's have happened recently. They are:

1. I may not be teaching the juniors and seniors in seminary.
2. Being a zoo keeper is not looking good. The competition is fierce and I don't have any degrees in biology.
3. While I had a fun time at the mid-singles conference, doesn't look like any dates will come of it. I can look around at the men I know and say "nope, not him. Won't be marring him." to at least 10 of them.

But I'm not panicked. I will just keep on keeping on and see what comes about. I did however make some good girl friends, and got a lot of compliments on my hair, how cute I am and 2 compliments from men on what a good person I am and that they feel the spirit around me. Makes me want to be better!

My Testimony

The gospel is everything to me. It's everything I am. It’s how I define myself. As I read the scriptures every night, the pain of my day is swept away. I’m sure of its truthfulness. As in times past the Lord has chosen prophets to lead his work on the earth. Today the prophet is Thomas S. Monson, but it was Joseph Smith who was first called in this time, this dispensation to RESTORE the truth. The reformation was not enough. Confusion still reigned. When I think of the knowledge that Joseph Smith brought back to the world I cannot give it up. I cannot give up that I will see my father who has passed on again. I cannot give up eternal marriage, baptism’s for the dead, revelation, priesthood authority not only in the church but in my home, and especially The Book of Mormon. Every time I read that book the Spirit tells me it is true, the doctrine is true, the people who lived it are real. There is greater joy and peace and knowledge to be had not only in this life, but in the next. Of this I know and bear witness of.

More insight

First of all, I'm writing this because it's been so therapeutic for me and has let me really understand myself and to put a finger right on it. I hope you don't mind me getting personal.

Last night as I was heading to bed I also realized that another reason I was struggling is because I know I'm going to leave my field of care giving. I'm burned out after 11 years and need a change. I'm the poorest I've ever been this year. I'm worried about being stuck here with my mom being poor the rest of my life. Sometimes I see no real out unless I get married.

I want to be a veterinarian assistant. It pays more, but it's not a good time to change jobs and loose benefits which I need so badly due to the medicine I'm on. There is fear with this change and a few ways I could do it. 1. spend 10 thousand dollars and 6 months going to school through PIMA. 2. Go to a 3 quarter night program through Renton Technical College. 3. Train on the job. I'd like to do # 2 and 3. But the timing must be right. I'm fearful of not being successful with my life, with always trying to make it, to finally get somewhere, of being stuck in this going no where life. Being a wife and mother you know where you are and what your job is and you keep doing it. Marriage is one answer to that fear.

I also realized that I need VALIDATION. Sometimes I have these failure dreams, about random things, but I know what the message is; others being better and me failing. When a person is continually left behind, not chosen and does not have a career, but a job, life doesn't look so promising. A man gives you validation for a weekend and then doesn't call and I feel worthless. Not just because of him, but because of everything that I've blogged reciently. I know that's not healthy, that I should have my own self confidence regardless of what happens in my life and relying on somone else is not heathly for that either. So, what is a girl to do, besides hang on and get through until she gets back up and feels ok again? There you go. I think that's it, but you never know, I may get more insight into this period of my life.

Oh- one more thing. I'm not thinking eternally, but just earth life and with fear and not faith.
Heavenly Father has said to me in a blessing:

I will not let you fail in any way, as long as you continue to work diligently
to live the commandments, to do the things you have been placed here to do.

Success is relative.

Inside I still knew I was a lady

Remember this post? The beauty every day didn't happen, as I knew it wouldn't. But I read this in the June Ensign. The talk is called Our Refined Heavenly Home. Douglas L. Callister said this:

What I have shared about bringing great language, literature, and music into the home may be said with equal truth of great art—perhaps tastefully displayed in our heavenly home. It may also be said of our physical appearance and manners, the order of our homes, how we offer our prayers, and how we read God’s word.

I once visited briefly with the great actress Audrey Hepburn while she was making the movie My Fair Lady. She spoke of the opening scene in the movie in which she depicted a modest, unpolished flower girl. Her face had been besmirched with charcoal to make her seem part of her surroundings. “But,” she said with a twinkle in her eye, “I was wearing my perfume. Inside I still knew I was a lady.” It doesn’t take expensive perfume to make a lady, but it does require cleanliness, modesty, self-respect, and pride in one’s appearance.

Many years ago an associate of mine decided he would please his wife by sharing with her a specific compliment each night as he arrived home. One night he praised her cooking. A second night he thanked her for excellence in housekeeping. A third night he acknowledged her fine influence on the children. The fourth night, before he could speak, she said, “I know what you are doing. I thank you for it. But don’t say any of those things. Just tell me you think I am beautiful.”

She expressed an important need she had. Women ought to be praised for all the gifts they possess—including their attentiveness to their personal appearance—that so unselfishly add to the richness of the lives of others. We must not let ourselves go and become so casual—even sloppy—in our appearance that we distance ourselves from the beauty heaven has given us.

But this is what really got to me: "It is vulgar to wear dirty linen when one is not engaged in dirty work". So, I'm going to put forth effort to do my makeup every day. I've been curling it more. Now it's time for the next step.

NEW/OLD Post #2

Scroll down to March 31st to see
who I am
and take a quiz to find out about you!

I'm a self-knowing, reinventing, believer

I took the 43 Things Personality Quiz and found out I'm a
Self-Knowing Reinventing Believer

Beauty Every Day

We got the new IKEA catalog with the newspaper a few days ago and one of the pages said "BEAUTY EVERY DAY". I cut it out to motivate me to do my hair and put makeup on every day. The plan is to put in on my mirror in the bathroom. I often skip that get attractive part, mainly because 1. I like sleeping in 2. I'm lazy or running out of time, 3. I'm going to get yucky anyway and the people I take care of don't care how I look. 4. I'm not in the habit. I probably could go on with excuses, but often, especially when I have pictures taken randomly of me, I hate how they turn out. I look terrible. I'm not cute. I don't know how I've ever had men interested in me- they are so visual and all. But I really want to make the effort to do that. I want to do what I can to be attractive. I put forth a lot of effort on Sundays, on dates, (unless I'm trying to get rid of him -hehe), at dances, etc. I remember some years ago during my on-line dating phase- I had been talking to his man on the phone every other day for 3 weeks. I looked good every day- I had the motivation- and he didn't even see me! Turns out he was a bank robber and an RM. That's a fun story! But anyway, I digress.

I'm a very honest person. I'm sharing my blog with a lot of people, some who are very used to seeing me look like crap and others who aren't, but I wish it wasn't so. Sometimes even when do myself all up, I still don't look good in photos. Here's another dating story. So, my Dad finds this guy for me- in the temple- after I got un-engaged. He lived in Spokane, I lived in Cali. I sent him the best pictures of me I had. They were cute. I got a close face up shot and a full body shot. I was thinner then. I moved back to WA and we met. When we were in the car alone, he says to me something like: "You look better in person than in pictures". Holy Crap! Does the camera lie? After I got un-engaged, I went and got glamour shots to make me feel better. Ya, I look good, but I don't like them. I hide them. Someday I'll pull them out and say, "See, look how pretty your.... mommy, or grandma, or aunt was".

There are people that look so good in photos no matter what. I wish I was a person like that. I wish I could be cute every day. I wish I was thinner. But I know that wishing won't do it. I have to DO SOMETHING! So, I'm trusting all you readers who love or like me for who I am, to encourage me to be better.

I've often wondered about men. They are visual. They were created in the image of Heavenly Father (Gen 1:27). He likes beautiful things... I mean, look at this earth... it's very beautiful. Men like beautiful women. So, why didn't Heavenly Father make all us women 10's? It's disturbing! It sometimes bothers me. My only explanation is from a scripture:
1 Sam. 16: 7
But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.

I think that's the test: for men to look on the heart also, not just the outward appearance. We are, after all, trying to be like Him (Matt 5:48). Of course, I also like this scripture:

Isa. 55: 2
Wherefore do ye spend money for that which is not bread? and your labour for that which satisfieth not? hearken diligently unto me, and eat ye that which is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness.

My soul delights in my fatness- just not anybody elses!
This hits that being fat means your righteous! I loved teasing the elders on my mission about this! :)

3 ways in, 2 ways out

I've been thinking the last 24 hours about the process I've gone through while I've been single. I do believe it is a process. There are 3 ways into the single adult program of the church, none of them positive. 1. never get married. 2. get divorced. 3. have a spouse die. There are two ways out 1. marriage, 2. death. I suppose there is a third: going apostate and leaving the church.

Anyways, I've had the angry-bitter phase. That lasted for a few years. No one could get me out, it was something I had to get through. I didn't understand- I had righteous desires and this sure didn't seem merciful, just, or kind to me. I wanted to throw rocks at Heavenly Father. I very silly picture now.

Then when I turned 31 I was living with my parents due to school. I went to the family ward I basically grew up in. I was HUMILIATED! I wanted to hide. I thought I'd come back with a baby on my hip and children trailing behind. But I had nothing. I felt like I had this "looser" stamp on my forehead. No body wanted me, I was never picked. I wasn't something enough: pretty enough, thin enough, smart enough, long hair enough, etc. I didn't want to be friends with the people who helped raise me, who talked me through those difficult times. I felt like we'd be having the same conversations we had when I was 17 and nothing had changed. During both of those phases I'd push away possible friendships, because I didn't think I was worthy, and I didn't stand a chance in the romantic department- men don't like angry bitter women!

After the hard grieving of loosing my Father wore off, I realized I didn't care anymore about being single and I started to have a good time, just having fun.

While I still visit those phases, for a short while, and with lesser intensity, I'm now just grateful there is a single adult program. Sure polygamy would solve the problem. But through this program I've meet people in my same situation, have made friends and have even had a few dates. Are there still lonely Friday and Saturday nights? ABSOLUTELY. But, I think there would be a lot more if there was no SA program.

BLUE

I'm having so much fun with this blog! I can't stop! My sister has created a blog monster!
See, I'm a Blue (from the book the Color Code, personality book) which means a few things.
1. I need to reveal myself, (Hence, why I love this) 2. I'm a do-gooder, 3. I crave intimacy- emotional, spiritual and physical.

No house, kids, husband- JUST ME

Although I don't have children to show off, or a husband who's my best friend, or a beautiful house, or anything like unto it, I'm still going to have a blog.

So here's the update on me. In 23 days I will be 36 years old. I live with my mother and have 2 dogs because she has a fenced in back yard- sounds fabulous doesn't it. But, lets look at the positive, I don't have a mortgage payment, I don't have to pay rent or any other bills. I don't have a marriage certificate over my bed, but instead 2 dogs in my bed.

I went back to nannying 2 months ago, and have been taking care of 2 babies from India. They are 11 month old Aditya, who was walking at 9 months, has a swallowing disorder and acid reflux, which means mom puts baby food in his special formula and I have to hold him upright for 20 min after he eats. He's a hyper little guy who's all over the place, but has not grown or gained weight for 3 months! Niha, is a girl who is 9 months old and has just started to crawl. She's a crier and hates being left alone, which needs to happen often as Aditya will not eat unless he's alone. She prefers to be held and has started refusing a bottle. If I'm lucky she'll nap for 30 min, but usually on top of me, as she's so sensitive. Both are cute, but it is difficult work and I've learned that mothering is for the young. I used to want twins to make up for lost time, but forget that!

I've been jumping around with jobs since Nov of 07 and during this time, I've had a few dates, which is a miracle in and of itself, but men don't seems to stay for very long mostly because I screw it up. As I often say: "love me or leave me, they usually choose to leave!" I'm intent on getting this dating thing right by the time I turn 40. I think that's a good goal.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is still TRUE regardless of my unfulfilled dreams. I was just released from a primary calling that I was totally burned out of, and now have a ward and stake calling with the single adults.

I still enjoy visiting family with my 26 nieces and nephews, and 1 and 1/2 great nieces. At the end of 08 I will have 3 nephews and 2 nieces married.

Oh, I could go on, but is any one really going to read this?