Saturday, June 20, 2009

More insight

First of all, I'm writing this because it's been so therapeutic for me and has let me really understand myself and to put a finger right on it. I hope you don't mind me getting personal.

Last night as I was heading to bed I also realized that another reason I was struggling is because I know I'm going to leave my field of care giving. I'm burned out after 11 years and need a change. I'm the poorest I've ever been this year. I'm worried about being stuck here with my mom being poor the rest of my life. Sometimes I see no real out unless I get married.

I want to be a veterinarian assistant. It pays more, but it's not a good time to change jobs and loose benefits which I need so badly due to the medicine I'm on. There is fear with this change and a few ways I could do it. 1. spend 10 thousand dollars and 6 months going to school through PIMA. 2. Go to a 3 quarter night program through Renton Technical College. 3. Train on the job. I'd like to do # 2 and 3. But the timing must be right. I'm fearful of not being successful with my life, with always trying to make it, to finally get somewhere, of being stuck in this going no where life. Being a wife and mother you know where you are and what your job is and you keep doing it. Marriage is one answer to that fear.

I also realized that I need VALIDATION. Sometimes I have these failure dreams, about random things, but I know what the message is; others being better and me failing. When a person is continually left behind, not chosen and does not have a career, but a job, life doesn't look so promising. A man gives you validation for a weekend and then doesn't call and I feel worthless. Not just because of him, but because of everything that I've blogged reciently. I know that's not healthy, that I should have my own self confidence regardless of what happens in my life and relying on somone else is not heathly for that either. So, what is a girl to do, besides hang on and get through until she gets back up and feels ok again? There you go. I think that's it, but you never know, I may get more insight into this period of my life.

Oh- one more thing. I'm not thinking eternally, but just earth life and with fear and not faith.
Heavenly Father has said to me in a blessing:
I will not let you fail in any way, as long as you continue to work diligently
to live the commandments, to do the things you have been placed here to do.

Success is relative.


Christy Jones said...

you should be proud of you life! Marriage and children have their own challenges and we all feel lost and alone sometimes, I definantly have fears of failing as a mother! I think you would make a great vet and should go for it!!! I know it helps to be on your own and feel independent! I will keep you in my prayers and I hope everything works out for the best.

M said...

I think that you should totally go for your dream of being a vet assistant! Even though there are many things in life that can't be controlled, I hope that things work out so you can take control of your professional career and follow that dream.

By the way, I enjoy the comments that you write on my blog. I've been meaning to tell you at church for the past few weeks, but then I spend the whole time chasing Sam around the building. Maybe one Sunday I'll actually be able to visit with people at church... :)

Nick said...

What's wrong with failing? Please read this Becky, I think it will give you a wonderful and different perspective. Mindset: The New Psychology of Success by Carol Dweck.