Thursday, May 31, 2012

Almost 2 weeks later

It's been almost 2 weeks since my last  "broken" post.  I had many things happen that weekend, but I've also had other things happen the weekend after and just the past few days.

 My job in the school system is over for the year.  Today was my last day and I'm glad.  I had thought that I would get quite a bit of unemployment and could mostly take it easy this summer while I work on getting projects done and healing, but that is not to be.  I will only make 161$ a week. This will not allow me to pay all the bills I have. while I will be able to work 5 hours a week and maybe 10 hours a week, that plus unemployment will not be enough, which means I'll need to get at least a part time job.

I know I could easily go get a home caregiver job, but that will not allow me to heal from the last year.  I have a tendency to get attached to people, to do more than is required and it usually doesn't serve me well.   I've been down about having to work.  BUT, last weekend I was mostly alone and realized that the summer with out enough people contact could not be beneficial for me either.  For the first time I had thought maybe I'd need to get a part time job, just to fill the empty space.  Perhaps that was preparing me for what I would find out just days latter.

 You know that LDS pamphlet One For The Money by Elder Marvin J. Ashton (who I hugged at Ricks college years ago)?  I got one over a month ago in RS and I did what it said to do: create a debt-elimination calendar.  With out counting the bank loan that is automatically taken out of my account monthly, if I pay 250 a month on the credit cards I will be out of debt in 3.5 years.  I don't know if that is possible, but I will give it my best shot.

I put new/more duct tape on my car yesterday.  I need to keep that thing running for 3.5 years, basically running it into the ground, until I can afford a car payment.  :(

After Friday the 18th, I woke up Saturday morning wanting to go to the temple.  That is big for me.  Lately I have gone out of duty and obedience. So I was able to get on a 4pm session.  As is typical these days when the lights go down and the movie begins, I bawl.  Again a caring sister held my hand.  Oh, how I'm so thankful for that. I may have been turning my head every which way looking as if I was confused or looking for an answer. I don't know if I physically moved my head around, but mentally I was.  I was OVERWHELMED with being distraught, not knowing how I could be able to move on from this mess, how I would be able to get out of my head the intense pain of what others think of me, who didn't REALLY know what was going on. I had been going to my bishop, going to counseling, etc, but nothing seemed to help.  It was the 1 year anniversary of me leaving Washington and yes, Jason, but I honestly didn't know how this would ever not be in my heart and on my mind in 10 years even after the debt had been paid.

Finally in having no where to turn I cried out in my head to the Lord to take this from me.  And he did almost immediately.  The anger was gone and I could be at peace the rest of the session.  I was even able to open the scriptures up in the celestial room.  The phrase "broken cisterns" came to my mind as if to confirm the idea of being broken. While I could not find a scripture with cisterns  I did find this one:

Isaiah 6:1 and Luke 4:18.... he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted,....

This brought immense peace and as I messaged with another friend on FB I spoke of this verse and in trying to find it again found others. Such as Psalms 34: 18 The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and asaveth such as be bof a contrite spirit.   Or D&C 138:42  And aIsaiah, who declared by prophecy that the Redeemer was anointed to bind up the broken-hearted,......

I had spoken with my counselor about fasting for an extended period of time, telling him about my fathers 2 week fast only drinking water.  It was suggested that I just have a meaningful sincere fast of just 24 hours.  While at the temple I felt to do that.  I had not eaten lunch yet and so began my fast.  

Sunday came and the choir sang beautifully the primary song "If the Savior Stood Beside Me."  I decided that I needed to go to choir and I did that day.

I went to RS and the lesson was suppose to be on the eternity of the soul.  It started out with the sisters sharing about how the plan helps then when loosing someone to death and that thought came to my mind that what we all need to have is an eternal perspective and in thinking and saying this, I knew I had not been doing that at all.  I have been stuck in the pain and the anguish of the here and now.   As I was speaking I broke down- really broke down and a sister I didn't know left her seat and came to hug me.  As the lesson went on, I shared again about my experience in the temple and how I was feeling about those who thought I was the bad guy.  I wept again and more stories came out about divorce.  It felt like a divorce support group-what one is suppose to be like. I heard much worse stories than mine; greater debt, extreme lies, loosing children, etc.  One sister told me to get over myself.  While I understand where she is coming from my pain and anguish wasn't just about the divorce.  It's about the money, the financial strain, not being able to put food on my own table.  It's about leaving my HOME of 20 plus years and all my friends and support system.  It's about not liking my job, really needing to do something different, but HOW?  It's about the abuse I've suffered from.  It's about the less than effective SA program here.  It's about the possibility of never being married again, not having children. It's about how I've screwed up at work quite a bit.  It's not Simple. It's not. But I did go home feeling better.

Then I went to choir practice and we sang the hymn Sweet Hour of Prayer.  I wrote this in my journal: And since he bids me seek his face, Believe his word, and trust his grace, I'll cast oh him my every care, And wait for thee, sweet hour of prayer.

He's asking us to seek his face.  Joseph Smith wanted us all to find out about God.  We are to cast on him our every care and wait for HIM!  I always thought it was wait for the hour of prayer. 

Then I find this on line:

What are our myths of Peter? How do the scriptures make meaning out of him?

Peter is the one who walks on water, but gets frightened and sinks (Matt 14: 28-31), the one who tries to defend the Prince of Peace by cutting off a servant's ear (John 18: 10), the one who denies Christ and bitterly weeps (Matt 26: 75), the one who has and embraces a movement-changing vision (Acts 10: 9-28),
but later gets rebuked by Paul for being afraid of revealing how far
that vision has taken his faith from his people's customs (Gal 2: 11-14).

Our myth of Peter is a one of our greatest myths of discipleship and church
leadership. It is about miraculous faith accompanied by devastating
failures in faith, about startling visions and doctrines coupled with
burdensome day-to-day business and persistent inequalities. We don't
expect Peter to do everything right, or to embody every positive
principle. Part of his myth is the ways that he falls short and fails.
(Can we see Christ's grace in Peter's stumbling?)

I think if Peter goes through stuff like this, then I guess It's normal for me too.  I guess I don't have to compare myself to Laurel, to Paige, to Aimee, to Nikki, to Sarah my sister. ( As I closed the folding walls I thought of my YW room and those years with Rachel and Linda Pope and Dawn Thompson and the thought of sitting there again and having to share my life with the Aimee, Paige, Nikki, and others- I sure as heck wouldn't.  I would want to be just like I was then, full of anger, hiding under it) My trials do not take away my worth as one of the woman said after relief society.  And that's what I've been doing. Thinking that due to my trial,( of over 20 years) I am again "less than".  Less of a person with Less worth.

I called Ruth and heard her sad story.  No longer do I judge.  Her situation is SO much worse than mine and regardless of it being some of her making, it is TERRIBLE.  I'm sure she feels more of a failure than I do, wants her life to end more than I do. I do not want her trials.

On Monday during recess I sung in my head that primary song "If The Savior Stood Beside Me" every time I felt negative thoughts about the kids. It did well until recess #3 and I took the tune and made up songs of the mean things I'd want to do with the kids. 

However I felt as if I had turned a corner.  The anger was gone for a week and much if not most of it is gone completely. 

The next Friday I missed my meds and Sat I was a mess and spent an hour writing in my journal about all those and other girls/women I grew up with and comparing my life to theirs.  That is not healthy.  Comparison is the thief of joy.

Friday, May 18, 2012

Broken or Whole? I can't decide.

from someone I met once; Jennifer:

It’s never sat right with me—calling myself by that term. *SINGLE* Defining myself by the thing I lack.

I was genuinely more happy once I lost myself in my life and in possibility. 

my time isn’t about me “pampering myself,” it’s about me surviving...

I have diligently tried over the last two, maybe three, years to not let my relationship status deter or define me.

Becky's Voice now: 

In counseling today I told him that I want to drown myself.  Then at the end I told him I want to kill somebody.  Then I quoted from a pin:  "I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me." He laughed. He knows I'm not serious about those things, just a way of saying how I feel.

He says I see myself as "broken", but I am not. His advice, is to count my blessings.  I know that sounds cliche, but he didn't say it like that.  It's more about living in the now and, like Jennifer said, in possibility. 

The thing is I've felt broken my whole life. elementary school, HS, my mission, college, YSA life- all of it- I felt broken, and I thought marriage would fix me- I'd have someone to love me, to put cement in the cracks and make me whole and better. Not just better-not-sick-anymore, but better as in a better me. I also wanted marriage so someone would take care of me and so I would fit in and to be on the right path and to have children.

I got married and I got more broken and couldn't even take care of myself let alone him.  

Jason, my counselor says I'm not broken.  OK, I'll try and believe that. Depressed- yes, beaten down- yes, unsure- yes, but I am whole- I guess.  

Jewels song "Hands" ran through my mind in counseling.  

My hands are small I know but they aren't yours they are my own,
and I am never broken.... In the end, only kindness matters.

It makes sense on a level never felt before. So maybe this should be my new theme, the words I say to myself when I feel broken or less than.  Those last 2 words, those are the words I've felt about myself for so long- so less than.  And you know what- that phrase is what my patriarchal blessing says I will do- help those less fortunate then me.  So, that means I can't be all that broken- right?  There are others more broken, others with less than what I have, so that should make that blessing list doable- right? 

I'm still trying to convince myself. I think you'll be able to tell when I believe it. 

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Summer Bucket List

I've never had a summer "bucket" list before.  I've had the summer plans list.  Recently I just figured out what the bucket part meant- what you're going to do before you "kick the bucket."   I don't know if I will get it all done, but I'm hoping that I can work about 10 hours a week and live off unemployment.  Sounds nice huh?  I need this time to do some more figuring out and healing. I don't' have any money so it needs to be free or cheap.  Here's the list:

  1. Finish Elder Bednars book  Increase in Learning. 
  2. Perhaps read Elder Hollands book Christ and the New Covenant.  (My book, but the last book my dad was in the middle of reading when he died. I miss him.)
  3. Finish and review How to be an Adult. 
Places To Go: 
  1. The birds of prey wildlife refuge near Nampa 
  2. The WWII air museum
  3. The Oregon Trail place at Glens' Ferry 
  4. Perhaps Utah to see friends. 
  5. Perhaps Eastern WA to see friends. 

Stuff To Do 
  1. Finish crafts that are still in my living room. 
  2. Create a USA map on canvas out of material. 
  3. Finish 2 Christmas Cross stitches. 
  4. Go through some boxes and organize better and throw more stuff away. 
  5. Watch, listen and learn some computer tutorials to use the computer better. 
  6. Exercise 5 to 6 days a week. 
  7. Cook more
  8. Take those Dr. Oz feel full pills Mom bought me at Costco. 
  9. Take the dogs swimming as much as possible. 
  10. Go river rafting again. 
  11. Pull a Rolland Rose and fast for an extended length of time.  Not for a spouse, but for happiness, to what to do with my life and financial relief. 
  12. Blog a whole lot more! 
 While I don't know if I get it all done, it will be fun trying.  

Sunday, May 13, 2012

The First Year In Numbers

On May 14, 2011 I left Washington where I had lived a little over 20 years of my 38 years of life and drove into Idaho. 

1 float trip down the Boise River.
1 dog park in Nampa gone to lots and lots of times.
1 temporary dog park in Twin
1 car accident costing me almost 900 dollars
1 camping trip
1 trip to the Boise Zoo with family 
1 family wedding- Eric (my nephew) and Shelley in October in the Salt Lake temple.
1 pedicure 
1 16 year old Sunday School class I teach with 4 boys and 2 girls.
1 single adult Bunco game party.
1 single adult FHE group.
1  free "pattern changing" class through the Nampa Family Justice Center for women getting out of abusive relationships. Loved that class!
1 divorce support group with the Nazarene Church- not all that great.
1 trip to Rexburg Idaho- WOW has it changed!
1 LDS doctor who is also on the High Counsel in his stake with my therapist. 
1 free fake Christmas tree via a SA dinner.
1 crown and a red sash for being queen of the new year at a SA dance. (people wore jeans!)
1 roommate named Yentl in Twin.  She works nights, I work days. She's LDS and likes the dogs.  It works.
1 crown  and sash at the New Years Eve dance- my first ever.

2 towns lived in: Nampa and Twin Falls, one in a basement and the second in a duplex.
2 bishops, the first- has some things to learn, the second- awesome.
2 companies worked for- Assisting Hands (3 families) and Pro-Active Advantage (3 schools, 4 kids).
2 counselors- one a woman, not LDS, one named Jason who is awesome and LDS.
2 female friends in their 50's.  Beverly, divorced with 2 dogs in Nampa, Robyn, widowed with 1 dog  in Twin who also is in my ward and works for the same company I do. 
2 visitors from friends in Washington- Janea and her family, Donna and her extended family- both while I'm in Nampa.
2 great nieces and nephews hugged and kissed all summer long- Elli and Liam.
2 dinner invites by members of the ward- one in each. 
2 deaf neighbors in Twin.
2 high school graduations- Willy and Amber, now both at BYU-Idaho.
2 different sleep aids so I can get to sleep and don't fall asleep at work!  Both not addictive or for pain.
2 awesome friends who offered for me to come live with them and heal.  Both are married with families.  Cherelyn Linde and Angie Conlin.  Meant the world to me. 
2 visits/calls from the Sharif about my dogs from a lovely neighbor :(

3 mom sleep overs at my house to go to the temple and help me with my house and things.
3 temples- Boise (been before I moved here) Twin Falls- first time. I live 3 miles from, Rexburg, first time. 
3 testimonies born in church.
3 dog sleep overs with Sadie the Golden Retriever who came to my house at my request.
4 or 5 trips to a man made lake in Nampa area for the dogs to swim in.
4 really weird single adult dances- cow boy poetry, belly dancing and jeans at New Yeats Eve. 
5 hair cuts- 3 really bad ones :(
6 months of food stamps, 6 months and counting of food orders from the church.
A few more friends made. 
Too many to count trips to thrift and craft stores.
A hundred thousand tears cried. 

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Twin Falls - with out the Twin

 This is right before the water goes down.  Boats can launch here too.
Twin Falls
On the way out after the falls
Who knew?!
When there was a Twin Fall.
Check out this very cool tree.  Coco on the path- not a little bear. 

A place to picnic too.
Due to the dam built there, it caused a second fall to disappear, so the twin in Twin Falls is false.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Notes from Sunday

From Sacrament meeting: 
A 10 or 11 year old boy got up and shared how he doesn't feel apart of his family, feels in essence neglected and maybe shouldn't be apart of the family.  I heard he has aspbergers, but have not interacted with him so don't know for sure.  With me teaching about King Benjamins address I realized that he feels like the "dust of the earth" and in his need, his awareness he turned to God to pray. The message being once we see our own nothingness, that we are unprofitable servants, we see our need for the Savior so clearly.

From Sunday School: 
From a Meridian Magazine gospel doctrine article, the spirit told me to do:
1. Lay down my life (my marriage, my divorce and my situation now) for the Lord.
2. Develop an independent relationship with God.
3. Become less dependent upon the approval of others for a sense of personal worth.

From giving my lesson and watching the BOM video presentation # 3 and reading Mosiah 3:19

For the anatural bman is an cenemy to God, and has been from the dfall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he eyields to the enticings of the Holy fSpirit, and gputteth off the hnatural man and becometh a isaint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a jchild, ksubmissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to

That part of submitting to what the Lord will "INFLICT" on us is strange in a way, but I realized that Abraham submitted to Jehovah  in the sacrifice of Issac and likewise Issac submitted to his father- all inflictions!

In preparing my lesson I need to be clear to myself, what principles I will be teaching and what I will testify of at the end. That will make it go smoother and help me to have it more prepared. 

From Relief Society: 
The RS president and Bishop is not all knowing, like the Godhead, so that's why there is VT, HT, to inform them of needs that can meet, but can't see. 

When someone has physical needs it is hard to focus on spiritual needs - Bishop Mix

Avoid debt like the plague.(I couldn't help but think of Jason)

The church welfare principles and programs sustain life, not lifestyle! Bishop said every situation he has worked with has been completely different in what he suggests families to get rid of or keep.

Bishops are to SEEK out the poor. (I couldn't help but think of the bishop in Nampa)

Park of the Lords Store House is not just our money and food storage, but also our talents,our time, our prayers, etc.

My thoughts and wishes:

I'd really like to do posts about my marriage with Jason and how messaged up it was, about how he hurt me.  I'd like to put it in categories.  I can't stop thinking about it, about the situations.  I also wish I could let the couple who introduced us the financial situation he left me in, regardless of him giving me 1/2 of his meager retirement and him spending the second 1/2 by himself with in 2 to 3 months. I'd like them to know what I experienced.  They only have one view and honestly I'm really angry at them, but I know I shouldn't and so I won't. I'll write it out, but not share it. 

I'd like to do blog posts about the creeds of Christianity and how scripture blasts it away.

I'd also like to put in one place the scriptures in all standard works that teach the basic same principle in different words with more added to it.