Thursday, June 25, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Last night as I was heading to bed I also realized that another reason I was struggling is because I know I'm going to leave my field of care giving. I'm burned out after 11 years and need a change. I'm the poorest I've ever been this year. I'm worried about being stuck here with my mom being poor the rest of my life. Sometimes I see no real out unless I get married.
I want to be a veterinarian assistant. It pays more, but it's not a good time to change jobs and loose benefits which I need so badly due to the medicine I'm on. There is fear with this change and a few ways I could do it. 1. spend 10 thousand dollars and 6 months going to school through PIMA. 2. Go to a 3 quarter night program through Renton Technical College. 3. Train on the job. I'd like to do # 2 and 3. But the timing must be right. I'm fearful of not being successful with my life, with always trying to make it, to finally get somewhere, of being stuck in this going no where life. Being a wife and mother you know where you are and what your job is and you keep doing it. Marriage is one answer to that fear.
I also realized that I need VALIDATION. Sometimes I have these failure dreams, about random things, but I know what the message is; others being better and me failing. When a person is continually left behind, not chosen and does not have a career, but a job, life doesn't look so promising. A man gives you validation for a weekend and then doesn't call and I feel worthless. Not just because of him, but because of everything that I've blogged reciently. I know that's not healthy, that I should have my own self confidence regardless of what happens in my life and relying on somone else is not heathly for that either. So, what is a girl to do, besides hang on and get through until she gets back up and feels ok again? There you go. I think that's it, but you never know, I may get more insight into this period of my life.
Oh- one more thing. I'm not thinking eternally, but just earth life and with fear and not faith.
Heavenly Father has said to me in a blessing:
I will not let you fail in any way, as long as you continue to work diligentlySuccess is relative.
to live the commandments, to do the things you have been placed here to do.
Friday, June 19, 2009
My coping method is to create stories in my head, stories of having a boy friend, etc. I don't like it. I only do it when I'm in these times. I wonder if Sarah did the same thing? Did she imagine herself pregnant, giving birth, with a baby, a little boy and a man that is a son and an heir to the promises. Maybe it's not such a bad thing after all. When I get a chance to talk with her in the next life, this is what I will ask.
I recently taught seminary 4 days. I was blessed to teach Hebrews 11-13, some of my favorite New Testament scripture generally and my favorite scripture specifically about faith. I taught the juniors and seniors. I broke them up into groups of 3 and gave them a few verses and had them write every example of faith, each one on a sheet of paper. Here are a few examples:
1. Through faith we understand that the worlds were aframed by the bword of God
2. By faith aAbel offered unto God a more excellent bsacrifice than Cain,
3. By faith aEnoch was btranslated that he should not see death (verses 3-5 not in full)
We built a 'wall of faith'. The goal of course is not have have our personal walls of faith broken down by the enemy or penetrated by doubt, fear, or any other tactic of Satan. As one idea says we should present evidences to our mind that we become unshaken. I taught this lesson before my 'difficult time'. I told the kids about my blessings and about my lack of dates. But I also told them that I believed them, that I trust the Lord.
I think one of the main reasons I'm struggling so, is because so many single friends are getting married or have gotten married. I've been to 3 sealings already. There are more to come and some I won't be invited to, but they are none-the-less happening. I'm happy for them, really I am. I know they have waited a long time too, I just don't understand why it's not me. I feel as if this summer and perhaps on will be a trial of my faith. It's a trial I wish I didn't have to go through, but that I want to pass. I'm attending the temple weekly per normal and praying in tears for blessings. But I still wait. To help with this waiting I've created a list of scriptures that I will put in my purse and post on my wall to keep my faith strong like those of ancient times. I don't want to waver for fear my desires will not be fulfilled. You can see by what I've underlined what is important to me. I'm hoping this will get me through. Here is the list:
Through faith also Sara herself received strength to conceive seed, and was delivered of a child when she was past age, because she judged him faithful who had promised. Hebrews 11:11
By faith Abraham, when he was tried offered up Isaac: and he that had received the promises offered up his only begotten son, Hebrews 11:17
Accounting that God was able to raise him up, even from the dead; from whence also he received him in a figure. Hebrews 11:19
These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth. Hebrews 11: 13
Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross; Hebrews 12: 1-2
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Jeremiah 29:11
The eyes of all wait upon thee; and thou givest them their meat in due season. Thou openest thine hand, and satisfiest the desire of every living thing. ....He will fulfill the desire of them that fear him. Psalm 145: 15-16,19
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Both abundance and lack of abundance exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend . . . when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present—love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature, and personal pursuits that bring us happiness—the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience heaven on earth.
Sarah Ban Breathnach
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Remember this post? The beauty every day didn't happen, as I knew it wouldn't. But I read this in the June Ensign. The talk is called Our Refined Heavenly Home. Douglas L. Callister said this:
But this is what really got to me: "It is vulgar to wear dirty linen when one is not engaged in dirty work". So, I'm going to put forth effort to do my makeup every day. I've been curling it more. Now it's time for the next step.
What I have shared about bringing great language, literature, and music into the home may be said with equal truth of great art—perhaps tastefully displayed in our heavenly home. It may also be said of our physical appearance and manners, the order of our homes, how we offer our prayers, and how we read God’s word.
I once visited briefly with the great actress Audrey Hepburn while she was making the movie My Fair Lady. She spoke of the opening scene in the movie in which she depicted a modest, unpolished flower girl. Her face had been besmirched with charcoal to make her seem part of her surroundings. “But,” she said with a twinkle in her eye, “I was wearing my perfume. Inside I still knew I was a lady.” It doesn’t take expensive perfume to make a lady, but it does require cleanliness, modesty, self-respect, and pride in one’s appearance.
Many years ago an associate of mine decided he would please his wife by sharing with her a specific compliment each night as he arrived home. One night he praised her cooking. A second night he thanked her for excellence in housekeeping. A third night he acknowledged her fine influence on the children. The fourth night, before he could speak, she said, “I know what you are doing. I thank you for it. But don’t say any of those things. Just tell me you think I am beautiful.”
She expressed an important need she had. Women ought to be praised for all the gifts they possess—including their attentiveness to their personal appearance—that so unselfishly add to the richness of the lives of others. We must not let ourselves go and become so casual—even sloppy—in our appearance that we distance ourselves from the beauty heaven has given us.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Saturday, June 6, 2009
51 Behold, I will liken these kingdoms unto a man having a field, and he sent forth his servants into the field to dig in the field.
The Lord tells those early saints that he is likening them to the kingdom's and inhabitants, to go and ponder upon these things, and to pray unto him while he is near. No keys of understanding are given. It's a strange parable. All I could think the message was is that He comes to everyone, but maybe I was one of the last he would come to. Meaning of course that my desires and wishes would happen, just much latter in the day. As parables have many layers, this maybe what it means for me, but I got out my institute manual and looked it up. It's actually about all the worlds the Lord has created. He goes to one earth, then another and so on. He will come to ours for about 1000 years and then move on to the next. Wow, what a great testimony that he does make more worlds.
My stake president is always telling us to search the scriptures, to feast upon them. That you can't do that at night in bed. That he has yet to take a Thanksgiving dinner to bed, but I have always read my scriptures at night on my bed and I do feast. My 2 sticks are laid out, along with my packet of colored pencils, and a book or two. I usually end up studying for an hour or so and it is study. I often have to make myself stop or I'll stay up too late. Section 88 also has a verse about "seeking Him early"(83). I often wonder if that is not always about the morning, but about our lives. Seek him when you are young, seek him as soon a possible. I did some cross referencing. Deut 4:29-31 and Jer 29:13(10-14) were my favorites of the 4 total. Of course I always read more than the verses suggested. It's easy to do that for me as I love the Old Testament.
Deut 4: 29-31: 29 But if from thence thou shalt aseek the Lord thy God, thou shalt bfind him, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul.
Love that. Love the verses before and following it. He is a merciful God who helps in times of tribulation to those who are obedient. He does not forget his covenant!
Jer 29: 11 : For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected aend.
"an expected end." He's going to give us our expected end, weather is the second hour or the 12th. We will get what we want. Although we are so less than he is, so disobedient, so full of the world, so full of the natural man, He doesn't think evil of us. He has thoughts of peace for us. That is so comforting to hear, when I'm in a yucky place. When I feel forgotten. I guess those verses about his qualitites and attributes are suppose to give us confidence in going to him, early or late as the case may be. I find it hard at times to pray to him. I'm feel like I'm begging and for the same things as I begged for for the last 15 years. It seems like It doesn't matter, that his plan for me will take place no matter how hard things are now. Maybe I should just pray for peace, for comfort, for understanding.