Friday, August 12, 2011

Five for Friday

1. I am not doing that 31 days of reading proverbs. It's just not the right time for me and it's not doing anything for my spirit and that's important right now. There are other months with 31 days in it. This is what the Bible dictionary says about Proverbs.

There is much in it that does not rise above the plane of worldly wisdom, but throughout it is taken for granted that “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (1:7; 9:10). The least spiritual of the Proverbs are valuable as reminding us that the voice of Divine Inspiration does not disdain to utter homely truths.

2. I'm reading The Book of Mormon instead. I'm looking for scriptures about the atonement specifically because of this quote and also about God the Father. Here are some other cool things I've found and how I'm looking at them.
A. The most important thing you can teach your children according to Elder Ballard is that they are children of God.

One day, years ago, I was at a seminary meeting where Elder Ballard was speaking to us – and he said something that I will never, ever forget. He said, “If my grandchild were in your classroom, there is one thing I would want to be certain that you taught them….” Now pause, for a moment – before he finished that statement, I remember being so impacted by it. He was making our classroom personal to someone that he cared deeply about, so I knew he was going to say something that I should heed. So, I was on the edge of my chair and ready to learn whatever he was going to say. He finished that sentence by saying, “I would want you to teach them that they are children of God.” (From this blog)

B. 1 Nephi 11:7 And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.

C. 1 Nephi 15:14 And at that day shall the remnant of our aseed bknow that they are of the house of Israel, and that they are the ccovenant people of the Lord; and then shall they know and dcome to the eknowledge of their forefathers, and also to the knowledge of the gospel of their Redeemer, which was ministered unto their fathers by him; wherefore, they shall come to the knowledge of their Redeemer and the very points of his doctrine, that they may know how to come unto him and be saved.

Knowing you are not just a child of God, but a covenant people of the Lord according to this scripture tells us 3 other important truths as well. They are 1. I know my past, my history. (not only the history of the children of Israel, but my history from the very beginning of time) 2. I know the gospel of my Redeemer. 3. I know how to come unto him and be saved!

Wow- that's a lot huh!

Do you see the progression? A few years ago I thought- so what I'm a child of God- so is everyone else- that doesn't make me special. But someone said to me- basically the message in that last scripture. You are a child of God who has been baptized, who has made covenants in the temple, who has access to the priesthood.

3. I am back to the job search for a job that will pay my bills. I'm only working 12 to 17 hours a week and only making 8.50 an hour. Not enough. I thought I had some good paying jobs just waiting for me, but they didn't come to pass, so I start again with a serious job search. Your prayers on my behalf would be appreciated.

4. FLEAS, FLEAS EVERYWHERE. I can't lay down in my bed, I can't sit down in my car with out being bit. Sadie, my sisters golden retriever got them from spending the night with me. No more dog sleep overs. If you know me, you know of my OCD behavior of scratching and picking my wounds. My legs are the ugliest they have ever been. I'm trying everything I possibly can- vinegar in the dogs water, garlic pills for me, cedar chips under the bed, bombing the house, borax in the carpet. Something has to work. Once I have the biting stopped and the wounds healed I can focus on putting fade cream on the scars. Maybe next summer I'll have nice legs, maybe, just maybe

5. I've been going to this divorce support group. We basically watch videos- a series of 6- from this Christian guy. I would rather spend my time talking than watching a video. It's in the basement of a Nazarene Church. Everyone in the group is Christian. No one knows I'm a Mormon. The videos are OK, the people in the group are really good people. I hear things about being saved, and laying on of hands, swear words, and prayers with Amen's, and yes in the middle from the one not voicing the prayer. We pray holding hands in a circle.

But my situation is so different and because of my beliefs it's different. (Marriage can be for eternity, is a gospel ordinance, I will only marry a temple recommend worthy Mormon so my choices are limited, I have no children and I may not have any.) Those things are a HUGE difference to what they are dealing with. They may have been married for 14 years or 8 years, or what ever and have children, and that is hugely painful, but the lack of the knowledge of eternity and the WHY of marriage makes it so different. I think about Ensign talks that the instructor should share with us. (I will give them to her) I think of reading stuff to make next time (if there is a next time) better. I think of how to say the things other say with gospel words, scripture words.

I tell you this because I don't know if I will continue. The next class will be "divorce care". I usually get something out of the class, but sometimes not. Maybe I will do a few classes and see if it helps with anything. My pattern changing class is telling me that I need to be number one, I need to take care of myself and to give myself a gift at least once a week. This divorce class is either good for me or it is taking up my time. These people do social things together on Friday nights, go camping, go the park after class and I just can't see myself really meshing with these people, really opening up and being me. I need LDS friends. While it's a good opportunity to share the gospel, and I'm not sure why I haven't shared my particular faith with them (No one else has), I guess because I'm afraid of trying to be "saved", convinced I'm wrong, shouldn't be there, etc. But I'm learning that I even have to be honest with the people in my ward that I'm divorced. It's making me who I am. It is who I am. I can't hide that, because I doing so I hide myself. So I will share, when the time is right with my ward who I really am and I will continue to think about and see if I will continue with this divorce christian group.

Friday, August 5, 2011


I am now just a single rose, but one is a whole number and
one rose is beautiful all on it's own.

Today the divorce became final. Judge Debra A. Orr pronounced it before 9:30 am. I think I will always remember her name. I texted Jason the news and he said back "love 2 U". There were no tears or happiness on my part. It just is. I exchanged one worry for another. I go back to praying for a temple marriage- I actually prayed for that while I was married too. But my friend Cindy from work back in Bellevue told me to pray for someone to cherish me that I can cherish too, and to ask myself, not how do I feel about the person I'm with, but how I feel about my self. She's a wise woman. She knows because she's been there.

I've been going to a divorce support group on Wed with other Christians in the basement of a Nazarene church in town. No one knows I'm LDS, but they will soon. We are all writing how God has helped us through this, sharing scriptures, prayers, music, friends or family. The scriptures I share will be from The Book of Mormon.

Two weeks ago I started going to a 14 week class called 'pattern changing'. So far both times I walked away realizing how battered I was. I was so stressed out about the class last night I needed to talk to someone. It's not a therapy group, but educational. I decided I need counseling the day after the class, not before or the day of.

Here are some things that I learned that spoke to me. It all spoke to me, but these were stronger than others.
From a paper called "self-Advocacy Strategies Questionnaire":

#8 If a decision will lead to either guilt or resentment, go with guilt! Because it is more likely I will be acting in my best interest rather than someone else's.

#23 When a woman says, 'i feel sorry for him,' she is making the other person's problem her problem. If I feel sorry for him, I'm suppose to do something about it. I should do something that he would like me to do (go back to him; stay in the relationship). This is faulty thinking! I may not like to see him suffer, but it may be contrary to my best interest to do something that reduces my guilt and alleviated his pain. I am not responsible for solving the problems that he caused and for which he needs to be held accountable. (Otherwise, he'll never learn and will continue to treat other women the way he treated me.) If I do something that he wants because I feel sorry for him, it means that I may be placing his wants and interests above my own (and my children's) best interest. I must act in my best interest.

I've already started to use this (not just the classes, but the whole experience: dating, marriage, and divorce) as a learning experience.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

31 days 1 day late

At my divorce support group the leader told us about reading the book of Proverbs in 31 days as it has 31 chapters and there are 31 days in August. I was thinking about this on July 31, but totally spaced it Aug 1st. I will read 2 chapters tonight to make up and hopefully will be able to really do it.

I've started reading The Book of Mormon again, with a new book- looking for verses and doctrines about the Atonement, because of this posted on my nephews blog and now on my quote blog:

There is an imperative need for each of us to strengthen our understanding of the significance of the Atonement of Jesus Christ so that it will become an unshakable foundation upon which to build our lives. As the world becomes more devoid of foundational standards and as honor, virtue, and purity are increasingly cast aside in the pursuit of appetite, our understanding of and faith in the Atonement of Jesus Christ will provide strength and capacity needed for a successful life. It will also bring confidence in times of trial and peace in moments of turmoil.

I energetically encourage you to establish a personal study plan to better understand and appreciate the incomparable, eternal, infinite consequences of Jesus Christ’s perfect fulfillment of His divinely appointed calling as our Savior and Redeemer. Profound personal pondering of the scriptures accompanied by searching, heartfelt prayer will fortify your understanding of and appreciation for His priceless Atonement. Another powerful way to learn of Jesus Christ and His Atonement is through consistent temple attendance.

I'm also trying to keep on with the New Testament, but due to my depression it's hard. I like this sight to help, specifically Kevin Hinckleys power point presentations that are so masterfully done.