one rose is beautiful all on it's own.
Today the divorce became final. Judge Debra A. Orr pronounced it before 9:30 am. I think I will always remember her name. I texted Jason the news and he said back "love 2 U". There were no tears or happiness on my part. It just is. I exchanged one worry for another. I go back to praying for a temple marriage- I actually prayed for that while I was married too. But my friend Cindy from work back in Bellevue told me to pray for someone to cherish me that I can cherish too, and to ask myself, not how do I feel about the person I'm with, but how I feel about my self. She's a wise woman. She knows because she's been there.
I've been going to a divorce support group on Wed with other Christians in the basement of a Nazarene church in town. No one knows I'm LDS, but they will soon. We are all writing how God has helped us through this, sharing scriptures, prayers, music, friends or family. The scriptures I share will be from The Book of Mormon.
Two weeks ago I started going to a 14 week class called 'pattern changing'. So far both times I walked away realizing how battered I was. I was so stressed out about the class last night I needed to talk to someone. It's not a therapy group, but educational. I decided I need counseling the day after the class, not before or the day of.
Here are some things that I learned that spoke to me. It all spoke to me, but these were stronger than others.
#8 If a decision will lead to either guilt or resentment, go with guilt! Because it is more likely I will be acting in my best interest rather than someone else's.
#23 When a woman says, 'i feel sorry for him,' she is making the other person's problem her problem. If I feel sorry for him, I'm suppose to do something about it. I should do something that he would like me to do (go back to him; stay in the relationship). This is faulty thinking! I may not like to see him suffer, but it may be contrary to my best interest to do something that reduces my guilt and alleviated his pain. I am not responsible for solving the problems that he caused and for which he needs to be held accountable. (Otherwise, he'll never learn and will continue to treat other women the way he treated me.) If I do something that he wants because I feel sorry for him, it means that I may be placing his wants and interests above my own (and my children's) best interest. I must act in my best interest.
I've already started to use this (not just the classes, but the whole experience: dating, marriage, and divorce) as a learning experience.