Tuesday, May 24, 2011

By Far The Hardest Thing

This is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life up to now. I sob daily. I worry about my future. I worry about Jason. It's almost unbearable. Only those who have divorced know what I'm talking about.

I keep on keeping on, trying to find a job, reading my scriptures and other good books, playing with the dogs. The words "oh, ye of little faith" come to my mind daily. If there was a stress level chart I would rank HIGH on it- new state, new place to live, divorce, no job, no computer internet yet.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I'm Here!

I'm here in Nampa Idaho. Things are mostly set up in my place. I've been lost quite a bit here. I've sent some resumes in for jobs. That is what I need the most. My family has been great. I've seen someone everyday so far out of help or necessity.

About 12 people-men, one teenage girl and one little primary boy helped unload the U-Haul in 1/2 hour! The bishop and elders quorum pres was in the bunch. Mike set up my bed so I had a place to lay my head and the next morning was church. I got ready to go a mid much emotion, and got turned around and finally found the church which should of taken me 5 min to get there. I was 45 min late, but caught most of the last speaker. Every one was SO nice, introducing themselves. The building is 2 stories with lots of stairs and a strange lay out! We won't be long as some re-modeling will be taking place soon. There is no elevator! The ward is large- out to the gym with chairs. Lots of babies and children but lots of older people too. The RS president came and talked to me. I got a call yesterday from someone who gave me help with finding a job. This ward should be a blessing.

The dogs are doing GREAT. The last 2 nights, Parker instigated playing, which they haven't done for months. They have a fenced in yard of wood, so Coco can't see out and bark at people or other animals. Of course Parker found where he can get out, but mike fixed that yesterday after he mowed my sad excuse for a lawn. It's nice to be able to leave them outside when I'll be gone for hours. The entry way is covered so they will have shelter in what ever weather comes. And the best of all news is they are not sleeping with me, as they did before.

My mail man is LDS. He ran into Mark and Holly on Monday when they came to help. Mark is my brother, who just turned 50. He thought that Mark was my dad! No, he's my brother and I'm heading on 40. Ok- I'll be 39 in a few months, but close enough!

The tears have lessened considerably and often I am happy, but it doesn't seem to last all day. Sadness creeps in till it's pretty obvious. But tomorrow is another day and soon I won't have a list of things to do just to survive, I won't get lost, I'll have a job and friends too!

Yes, men and women who turn their lives over to God will find out that he can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He will deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, raise up friends, and pour out peace. Whoever will lose his life to God will find he has eternal life. - Ezra Taft Bensen

Saturday, May 7, 2011

A Change in Venue

I'm currently in Boise Idaho finding a place to live and work- By myself! I've left Jason and we are divorcing. It has been a difficult decision, but I have been SO unhappy the whole marriage. I cannot support myself there in the expensive Seattle area. I will be moving with my mom next weekend, but not moving in with her. I'm taking my dogs, thank goodness. I'm so glad to have them in my life! I love them. My sister Cindy lives in Meridian with her husband and 2 daughters, the boys are married. My brother Mark and his family of six kids with only 4 at home is here in Nampa. So I will have family here to support me in this difficult time. I know I'm doing the right thing. It's been a long time coming, but I just haven't had the courage to do it. The support of family and friends has been immense. I never expected to be divorced, at 38 and 39 years old. But it's better than being miserably married.

My mission president was right- it goes in this order:
  • Happily Married
  • Happily Single
  • Miserably Single
  • Miserably Married
I have hope that someday someone will come into my life that is the right person, but I know that I need to wait at least a year to date to heal from this wound that has been the hardest thing in my life to date.