Friday, May 18, 2012

Broken or Whole? I can't decide.

from someone I met once; Jennifer:

It’s never sat right with me—calling myself by that term. *SINGLE* Defining myself by the thing I lack.

I was genuinely more happy once I lost myself in my life and in possibility. 

my time isn’t about me “pampering myself,” it’s about me surviving...

I have diligently tried over the last two, maybe three, years to not let my relationship status deter or define me.

Becky's Voice now: 

In counseling today I told him that I want to drown myself.  Then at the end I told him I want to kill somebody.  Then I quoted from a pin:  "I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me." He laughed. He knows I'm not serious about those things, just a way of saying how I feel.

He says I see myself as "broken", but I am not. His advice, is to count my blessings.  I know that sounds cliche, but he didn't say it like that.  It's more about living in the now and, like Jennifer said, in possibility. 

The thing is I've felt broken my whole life. elementary school, HS, my mission, college, YSA life- all of it- I felt broken, and I thought marriage would fix me- I'd have someone to love me, to put cement in the cracks and make me whole and better. Not just better-not-sick-anymore, but better as in a better me. I also wanted marriage so someone would take care of me and so I would fit in and to be on the right path and to have children.

I got married and I got more broken and couldn't even take care of myself let alone him.  

Jason, my counselor says I'm not broken.  OK, I'll try and believe that. Depressed- yes, beaten down- yes, unsure- yes, but I am whole- I guess.  

Jewels song "Hands" ran through my mind in counseling.  

My hands are small I know but they aren't yours they are my own,
and I am never broken.... In the end, only kindness matters.

It makes sense on a level never felt before. So maybe this should be my new theme, the words I say to myself when I feel broken or less than.  Those last 2 words, those are the words I've felt about myself for so long- so less than.  And you know what- that phrase is what my patriarchal blessing says I will do- help those less fortunate then me.  So, that means I can't be all that broken- right?  There are others more broken, others with less than what I have, so that should make that blessing list doable- right? 

I'm still trying to convince myself. I think you'll be able to tell when I believe it. 


Christy Jones said...

Its great that you are working on healing and finding out what you need to fix. I don't think you are broken either. I do know that the only thing that you can change is you! Even if you had a husband and children you would still feel the same way. They don't fix anything if there is a personal problem you have then having children or a husband usually accentuates it, nothing is easy! I think you need to learn to enjoy life again, love what you have!

Rachelle said...

hi! i was trying to find an email to message you back after your note on my blog and came across your blogs. great blogs! i remember you a little. i wasn't there very long. i don't know if you remember, but i was a temple square missionary. so was mrs. r - although we didn't serve at the same time. i haven't met her formally but we email from time to time. she's awesome! i love her and her family. thanks for the note! great blogs.