Thursday, May 31, 2012

Almost 2 weeks later

It's been almost 2 weeks since my last  "broken" post.  I had many things happen that weekend, but I've also had other things happen the weekend after and just the past few days.

 My job in the school system is over for the year.  Today was my last day and I'm glad.  I had thought that I would get quite a bit of unemployment and could mostly take it easy this summer while I work on getting projects done and healing, but that is not to be.  I will only make 161$ a week. This will not allow me to pay all the bills I have. while I will be able to work 5 hours a week and maybe 10 hours a week, that plus unemployment will not be enough, which means I'll need to get at least a part time job.

I know I could easily go get a home caregiver job, but that will not allow me to heal from the last year.  I have a tendency to get attached to people, to do more than is required and it usually doesn't serve me well.   I've been down about having to work.  BUT, last weekend I was mostly alone and realized that the summer with out enough people contact could not be beneficial for me either.  For the first time I had thought maybe I'd need to get a part time job, just to fill the empty space.  Perhaps that was preparing me for what I would find out just days latter.

 You know that LDS pamphlet One For The Money by Elder Marvin J. Ashton (who I hugged at Ricks college years ago)?  I got one over a month ago in RS and I did what it said to do: create a debt-elimination calendar.  With out counting the bank loan that is automatically taken out of my account monthly, if I pay 250 a month on the credit cards I will be out of debt in 3.5 years.  I don't know if that is possible, but I will give it my best shot.

I put new/more duct tape on my car yesterday.  I need to keep that thing running for 3.5 years, basically running it into the ground, until I can afford a car payment.  :(

After Friday the 18th, I woke up Saturday morning wanting to go to the temple.  That is big for me.  Lately I have gone out of duty and obedience. So I was able to get on a 4pm session.  As is typical these days when the lights go down and the movie begins, I bawl.  Again a caring sister held my hand.  Oh, how I'm so thankful for that. I may have been turning my head every which way looking as if I was confused or looking for an answer. I don't know if I physically moved my head around, but mentally I was.  I was OVERWHELMED with being distraught, not knowing how I could be able to move on from this mess, how I would be able to get out of my head the intense pain of what others think of me, who didn't REALLY know what was going on. I had been going to my bishop, going to counseling, etc, but nothing seemed to help.  It was the 1 year anniversary of me leaving Washington and yes, Jason, but I honestly didn't know how this would ever not be in my heart and on my mind in 10 years even after the debt had been paid.

Finally in having no where to turn I cried out in my head to the Lord to take this from me.  And he did almost immediately.  The anger was gone and I could be at peace the rest of the session.  I was even able to open the scriptures up in the celestial room.  The phrase "broken cisterns" came to my mind as if to confirm the idea of being broken. While I could not find a scripture with cisterns  I did find this one:

Isaiah 6:1 and Luke 4:18.... he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted,....

This brought immense peace and as I messaged with another friend on FB I spoke of this verse and in trying to find it again found others. Such as Psalms 34: 18 The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and asaveth such as be bof a contrite spirit.   Or D&C 138:42  And aIsaiah, who declared by prophecy that the Redeemer was anointed to bind up the broken-hearted,......

I had spoken with my counselor about fasting for an extended period of time, telling him about my fathers 2 week fast only drinking water.  It was suggested that I just have a meaningful sincere fast of just 24 hours.  While at the temple I felt to do that.  I had not eaten lunch yet and so began my fast.  

Sunday came and the choir sang beautifully the primary song "If the Savior Stood Beside Me."  I decided that I needed to go to choir and I did that day.

I went to RS and the lesson was suppose to be on the eternity of the soul.  It started out with the sisters sharing about how the plan helps then when loosing someone to death and that thought came to my mind that what we all need to have is an eternal perspective and in thinking and saying this, I knew I had not been doing that at all.  I have been stuck in the pain and the anguish of the here and now.   As I was speaking I broke down- really broke down and a sister I didn't know left her seat and came to hug me.  As the lesson went on, I shared again about my experience in the temple and how I was feeling about those who thought I was the bad guy.  I wept again and more stories came out about divorce.  It felt like a divorce support group-what one is suppose to be like. I heard much worse stories than mine; greater debt, extreme lies, loosing children, etc.  One sister told me to get over myself.  While I understand where she is coming from my pain and anguish wasn't just about the divorce.  It's about the money, the financial strain, not being able to put food on my own table.  It's about leaving my HOME of 20 plus years and all my friends and support system.  It's about not liking my job, really needing to do something different, but HOW?  It's about the abuse I've suffered from.  It's about the less than effective SA program here.  It's about the possibility of never being married again, not having children. It's about how I've screwed up at work quite a bit.  It's not Simple. It's not. But I did go home feeling better.

Then I went to choir practice and we sang the hymn Sweet Hour of Prayer.  I wrote this in my journal: And since he bids me seek his face, Believe his word, and trust his grace, I'll cast oh him my every care, And wait for thee, sweet hour of prayer.

He's asking us to seek his face.  Joseph Smith wanted us all to find out about God.  We are to cast on him our every care and wait for HIM!  I always thought it was wait for the hour of prayer. 

Then I find this on line:

What are our myths of Peter? How do the scriptures make meaning out of him?

Peter is the one who walks on water, but gets frightened and sinks (Matt 14: 28-31), the one who tries to defend the Prince of Peace by cutting off a servant's ear (John 18: 10), the one who denies Christ and bitterly weeps (Matt 26: 75), the one who has and embraces a movement-changing vision (Acts 10: 9-28),
but later gets rebuked by Paul for being afraid of revealing how far
that vision has taken his faith from his people's customs (Gal 2: 11-14).

Our myth of Peter is a one of our greatest myths of discipleship and church
leadership. It is about miraculous faith accompanied by devastating
failures in faith, about startling visions and doctrines coupled with
burdensome day-to-day business and persistent inequalities. We don't
expect Peter to do everything right, or to embody every positive
principle. Part of his myth is the ways that he falls short and fails.
(Can we see Christ's grace in Peter's stumbling?)

I think if Peter goes through stuff like this, then I guess It's normal for me too.  I guess I don't have to compare myself to Laurel, to Paige, to Aimee, to Nikki, to Sarah my sister. ( As I closed the folding walls I thought of my YW room and those years with Rachel and Linda Pope and Dawn Thompson and the thought of sitting there again and having to share my life with the Aimee, Paige, Nikki, and others- I sure as heck wouldn't.  I would want to be just like I was then, full of anger, hiding under it) My trials do not take away my worth as one of the woman said after relief society.  And that's what I've been doing. Thinking that due to my trial,( of over 20 years) I am again "less than".  Less of a person with Less worth.

I called Ruth and heard her sad story.  No longer do I judge.  Her situation is SO much worse than mine and regardless of it being some of her making, it is TERRIBLE.  I'm sure she feels more of a failure than I do, wants her life to end more than I do. I do not want her trials.

On Monday during recess I sung in my head that primary song "If The Savior Stood Beside Me" every time I felt negative thoughts about the kids. It did well until recess #3 and I took the tune and made up songs of the mean things I'd want to do with the kids. 

However I felt as if I had turned a corner.  The anger was gone for a week and much if not most of it is gone completely. 

The next Friday I missed my meds and Sat I was a mess and spent an hour writing in my journal about all those and other girls/women I grew up with and comparing my life to theirs.  That is not healthy.  Comparison is the thief of joy.

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