Almost 2 weeks later

It's been almost 2 weeks since my last  "broken" post.  I had many things happen that weekend, but I've also had other things happen the weekend after and just the past few days.

 My job in the school system is over for the year.  Today was my last day and I'm glad.  I had thought that I would get quite a bit of unemployment and could mostly take it easy this summer while I work on getting projects done and healing, but that is not to be.  I will only make 161$ a week. This will not allow me to pay all the bills I have. while I will be able to work 5 hours a week and maybe 10 hours a week, that plus unemployment will not be enough, which means I'll need to get at least a part time job.

I know I could easily go get a home caregiver job, but that will not allow me to heal from the last year.  I have a tendency to get attached to people, to do more than is required and it usually doesn't serve me well.   I've been down about having to work.  BUT, last weekend I was mostly alone and realized that the summer with out enough people contact could not be beneficial for me either.  For the first time I had thought maybe I'd need to get a part time job, just to fill the empty space.  Perhaps that was preparing me for what I would find out just days latter.

 You know that LDS pamphlet One For The Money by Elder Marvin J. Ashton (who I hugged at Ricks college years ago)?  I got one over a month ago in RS and I did what it said to do: create a debt-elimination calendar.  With out counting the bank loan that is automatically taken out of my account monthly, if I pay 250 a month on the credit cards I will be out of debt in 3.5 years.  I don't know if that is possible, but I will give it my best shot.

I put new/more duct tape on my car yesterday.  I need to keep that thing running for 3.5 years, basically running it into the ground, until I can afford a car payment.  :(

After Friday the 18th, I woke up Saturday morning wanting to go to the temple.  That is big for me.  Lately I have gone out of duty and obedience. So I was able to get on a 4pm session.  As is typical these days when the lights go down and the movie begins, I bawl.  Again a caring sister held my hand.  Oh, how I'm so thankful for that. I may have been turning my head every which way looking as if I was confused or looking for an answer. I don't know if I physically moved my head around, but mentally I was.  I was OVERWHELMED with being distraught, not knowing how I could be able to move on from this mess, how I would be able to get out of my head the intense pain of what others think of me, who didn't REALLY know what was going on. I had been going to my bishop, going to counseling, etc, but nothing seemed to help.  It was the 1 year anniversary of me leaving Washington and yes, Jason, but I honestly didn't know how this would ever not be in my heart and on my mind in 10 years even after the debt had been paid.

Finally in having no where to turn I cried out in my head to the Lord to take this from me.  And he did almost immediately.  The anger was gone and I could be at peace the rest of the session.  I was even able to open the scriptures up in the celestial room.  The phrase "broken cisterns" came to my mind as if to confirm the idea of being broken. While I could not find a scripture with cisterns  I did find this one:

Isaiah 6:1 and Luke 4:18.... he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted,....

This brought immense peace and as I messaged with another friend on FB I spoke of this verse and in trying to find it again found others. Such as Psalms 34: 18 The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and ^asaveth such as be ^bof a contrite spirit.   Or D&C 138:42  And ^aIsaiah, who declared by prophecy that the Redeemer was anointed to bind up the broken-hearted,......

I had spoken with my counselor about fasting for an extended period of time, telling him about my fathers 2 week fast only drinking water.  It was suggested that I just have a meaningful sincere fast of just 24 hours.  While at the temple I felt to do that.  I had not eaten lunch yet and so began my fast.  

Sunday came and the choir sang beautifully the primary song "If the Savior Stood Beside Me."  I decided that I needed to go to choir and I did that day.

I went to RS and the lesson was suppose to be on the eternity of the soul.  It started out with the sisters sharing about how the plan helps then when loosing someone to death and that thought came to my mind that what we all need to have is an eternal perspective and in thinking and saying this, I knew I had not been doing that at all.  I have been stuck in the pain and the anguish of the here and now.   As I was speaking I broke down- really broke down and a sister I didn't know left her seat and came to hug me.  As the lesson went on, I shared again about my experience in the temple and how I was feeling about those who thought I was the bad guy.  I wept again and more stories came out about divorce.  It felt like a divorce support group-what one is suppose to be like. I heard much worse stories than mine; greater debt, extreme lies, loosing children, etc.  One sister told me to get over myself.  While I understand where she is coming from my pain and anguish wasn't just about the divorce.  It's about the money, the financial strain, not being able to put food on my own table.  It's about leaving my HOME of 20 plus years and all my friends and support system.  It's about not liking my job, really needing to do something different, but HOW?  It's about the abuse I've suffered from.  It's about the less than effective SA program here.  It's about the possibility of never being married again, not having children. It's about how I've screwed up at work quite a bit.  It's not Simple. It's not. But I did go home feeling better.

Then I went to choir practice and we sang the hymn Sweet Hour of Prayer.  I wrote this in my journal: And since he bids me seek his face, Believe his word, and trust his grace, I'll cast oh him my every care, And wait for thee, sweet hour of prayer.

He's asking us to seek his face.  Joseph Smith wanted us all to find out about God.  We are to cast on him our every care and wait for HIM!  I always thought it was wait for the hour of prayer. 

Then I find this on line:

What are our myths of Peter? How do the scriptures make meaning out of him?

Peter is the one who walks on water, but gets frightened and sinks (Matt 14: 28-31), the one who tries to defend the Prince of Peace by cutting off a servant's ear (John 18: 10), the one who denies Christ and bitterly weeps (Matt 26: 75), the one who has and embraces a movement-changing vision (Acts 10: 9-28),
but later gets rebuked by Paul for being afraid of revealing how far
that vision has taken his faith from his people's customs (Gal 2: 11-14).

Our myth of Peter is a one of our greatest myths of discipleship and church
leadership. It is about miraculous faith accompanied by devastating
failures in faith, about startling visions and doctrines coupled with
burdensome day-to-day business and persistent inequalities. We don't
expect Peter to do everything right, or to embody every positive
principle. Part of his myth is the ways that he falls short and fails.
(Can we see Christ's grace in Peter's stumbling?)

I think if Peter goes through stuff like this, then I guess It's normal for me too.  I guess I don't have to compare myself to Laurel, to Paige, to Aimee, to Nikki, to Sarah my sister. ( As I closed the folding walls I thought of my YW room and those years with Rachel and Linda Pope and Dawn Thompson and the thought of sitting there again and having to share my life with the Aimee, Paige, Nikki, and others- I sure as heck wouldn't.  I would want to be just like I was then, full of anger, hiding under it) My trials do not take away my worth as one of the woman said after relief society.  And that's what I've been doing. Thinking that due to my trial,( of over 20 years) I am again "less than".  Less of a person with Less worth.

I called Ruth and heard her sad story.  No longer do I judge.  Her situation is SO much worse than mine and regardless of it being some of her making, it is TERRIBLE.  I'm sure she feels more of a failure than I do, wants her life to end more than I do. I do not want her trials.

On Monday during recess I sung in my head that primary song "If The Savior Stood Beside Me" every time I felt negative thoughts about the kids. It did well until recess #3 and I took the tune and made up songs of the mean things I'd want to do with the kids. 

However I felt as if I had turned a corner.  The anger was gone for a week and much if not most of it is gone completely. 

The next Friday I missed my meds and Sat I was a mess and spent an hour writing in my journal about all those and other girls/women I grew up with and comparing my life to theirs.  That is not healthy.  Comparison is the thief of joy.

Too Much Information

This is the information age and I've been over whelmed with it for weeks now, trying to manage my time reading and organizing all the information. I'm passionate about a few subjects.

1. Politics: I became a PCO: a Precinct Committee Officer in my area, which means my neighbors and myself got to VOTE for me in the primary election. No one was running against me- HEHE. I didn't do much with it, except at the end of the elections, I volunteered at the phone banks calling to poll voters, which I was told was akin to dragging people to the polls and making them vote. I did that 5 times, three of those times just days before the election. I even called the day of the election and the day after as the race for Congress was so close and we had a list of voters whose signatures didn't match. We called the list, found out who they voted for and if they voted for our candidate told them the problem and offered to help them have their vote counted. Dave Riechart won by a slim margin. I've meet Dave personally and he is a understanding respectful man. He was the sheriff who spent 19 years catching the Green River Killer. I also met Dinno Rossi who lost the seat for Governor a second time.

This has caused me to want to do more the next election. I want to be educated on both political parties and what they believe, stand for, and what has happened in the past under their ideology. I want to be armed with knowledge the next election. So, I'm reading Wikipedia articles, books on the constitution, and listening to talk radio.

2. The Family: I'm reading emails, newspaper articles daily about Proposition 8 in California. The Mormons are being picketed, yet we are just a small percentage of people who helped that pass for the SECOND TIME! The Seattle Temple is expecting protesters on Sat and I will be there to take pictures. I'm placing these articles I'm reading in my LDSjournal on line. I must record this. It's history being made and I was there and it effected me. I don't know who will read my journal when I'm old or gone, but someone will and they will want to know what it was like.

3. The Economy: This goes right along with government and politics. I'm still working on getting out of debt. My goal of having my teaching certificate paid off by the time it expires in June of 2009 will not be happening, but I have made great strides the last 4 plus years and it will not take me the planned 15 years the bank had. Plus, I want to travel, I want to create a next egg and give more to charity too. I am working on my business too, which I hope will be big enough that I need to buy a truck to put all those dogs in.

4. The Gospel: Then of course there is the gospel, which has always been my first passion, but seems to have taken a back seat this last few weeks. My scripture reading has not been daily at all, because I'm on line reading and getting worked up inside about all of these subjects and sharing them with others. I did however read a few night ago and was led to the Old Testament and found it invigorating. Thank goodness for the gospel. I also started commenting on a Facebook discussion with a questioning non- member that gets me riled up. More information.

5. Gregory: I need to get a system going and figure his programs out and learn more sign language.

6. My dog Sam is hurt and I feel better for his one fat leg that he limps on. While I don't have to force medicine down him, just thinking about him makes me sad. I don't do it often. I love him and don't want to loose him, but..... time will tell, as my mother always says. He's eating more, but is still skinny.

7. My sister and the kids. I wake up to yelling, I go to sleep to yelling and it's early and late. Don't know how we can do YEARS of this. I want the kids to go to some one who actually parents, not just acts like a teenager with them.

8. My callings: SA, have shed a few tears about that lately. It's painful, It hurts and ....... In a way it's annoying. I will continue to do what I'm asked, but part of me really wants to just let go for a while and focus on this INFORMATION. In this subject for me- it's such a fine line right now. I need to believe it will happen because the Lord has said it will and if I don't I'm faithless. But I need to not let it occupy my mind. I need to be something else besides single.

9: My mom: her loneliness and money that is diminishing. I am tied to that.

10: Technology: And I don't know how to do the things on line with this blog that I want to do, need to do and with my pictures. I need a tutor! I need someone to sit down with me and do it.

I feel the weight of all of this. I see the minutes and hours slipping by as I read and write on line mostly. I feel and know of America falling apart- the constitution not being used correctly, by people and organizations. I see the evilness of the world concerning families, marriage, abortion, and so many other subjects and the people we have elected that will not uphold those virtues.
The last days are so real to me. I can see and feel the increase of it getting closer of governments, people really going to hell.

People say pray. Pray for us for strength, yes, but for them- I think those prayers are with out faith, as Moroni prayer, because they cannot see the right way and love wickedness. They have been bamboozled by Satan and his followers. So pray for the second coming to be delayed? I think not. I just know I am genuinely concerned. It is on my mind constantly and I often don't know what to focus on, what priority should be first. Goals? I have thought of them. Read one article from the conference address in the morning- hasn't happened. Write one entry in my journal a day for my life history, plus keep the journal up, paste important articles and then go through and add the paragraphs that are taken out in that process. The past part of the goal has not happened.

This screams today to me. D&C 1: 12-19

12 Prepare ye, prepare ye for that which is to come, for the Lord is nigh;

13 And the anger of the Lord is kindled, and his sword is bathed in heaven, and it shall fall upon the inhabitants of the earth.

14 And the arm of the Lord shall be revealed; and the day cometh
that they who will not hear the voice of the Lord, neither the voice of his servants,
neither give heed to the words of the prophets and apostles, shall be cut off from
among the people;

15 For they have strayed from mine ordinances, and have broken mine everlasting
covenant;

16 They seek not the Lord to establish his righteousness, but every man walketh in his own way, and after the image of his own god, whose image is in the likeness of the world, and whose substance is that of an idol, which waxeth old and shall perish in Babylon, even Babylon the great, which shall fall.

17 Wherefore, I the Lord, knowing the calamity which should come upon the inhabitants of the earth, called upon my servant Joseph Smith, Jun., and spake unto him from heaven, and gave him commandments;

18 And also gave commandments to others, that they should proclaim these things unto the world; and all this that it might be fulfilled, which was written by the prophets—

19 The weak things of the world shall come forth and break down the mighty and strong ones, that man should not counsel his fellow man, neither trust in the
arm of flesh—