Insight Into Me: Emotional vs. Professional

I got on this new med a few weeks ago and instantly it worked.  It's been a few weeks now and I feel silly for waiting this long to go to a doctor and say I'm on this med and it's not working.  I thought it was just my life situations, yet I could not see a way out of being me.  I didn't have these problems to this extent in Washington.  I know I can't blame Idaho for it. I feel and handle the marriage and debt thing differently after almost 2 years, so I just didn't know what to do.  While it has not fixed my need to speed while driving, it has fixed my instinct to get mean and angry. 

For instance I could not for the life of me stop being angry at the kids at Gooding HS. I could not stop myself from saying insulting things to those kids. I was just as stupid as they were, just in a different way.  I sabotaged myself, it would seem.

I've been fired 3 times from 3 different PSR companies in 10 months. PSR stands for psychosocial rehabilitation.  It is a job that has no handbook, no how-to manual or even a PSR for dumbies book.  It's assumed that because you have a 4 year degree in something related to psychology that you know how to deal with people with mental illnesses.  Illnesses that are for the most part not medicated.

I did the job for 1.5 years.  A week before I lost the last position I thought to myself "I'm finally getting this. I finally know how to do this job!".  Ironic or just bad timing?  I had done lots of research and found resources, but the learning curve was pretty big and in reality it goes back to me, for I've learned also that it's about boundaries. I've had terrible boundaries in my personal as well as professional life.  Depressing to think about that at age 40 I'm finally getting it. Once again I am a late bloomer.

I've made some of the same mistakes with subbing too- the boundary ones.  For subbing it's like a continuum.  Enemy on one end, personal control in the middle and friend on the opposite end.  I've been everywhere on the line, but now I really SEE HOW to BE so as not to be on the negative ends professionally.

Enemy_______ Personal Control________Friend

I've finally been able to turn to prayer too.  Real, on my knees by my bed, what I need prayer.  It's been since 2009 since I've had daily prayer like that.  Maybe that too is due to the meds?   What ever it is I'm thankful.  Thankful and when I think too long about it, I worry about not doing it on my own. But for now I'm releaved.   It seems I've been a new person and it's a better me, not worse.

Sometimes it's felt like I've been a wave in the ocean, up and down, crashing or building, but no happiness of just floating and enjoying the water and sun.  Happiness is heavily tied to life satisfaction.  I hope to find some satisfaction soon. 

Tell the Drama to your Llama!

Guess what-- You're the Llama!

DRAMA ONE    About 2 months ago I could not sleep, so I got up and wrote 2 pages to the couple who introduced Jason  and I, and supposedly counseled us.  What a joke!  The letter was good healing for me and I didn't cry or get angry about them afterwords .... until just a few days ago.  I put some money in my credit union and headed home.  That's when the tears and anger started again and It didn't stop.  I was SO mad at them.  They were clueless about Jason's spending, about the money my mom gave me from my inheritance to pay bills. Double and then some of what he took out of his retirement to pay HIS and OUR bills.   I woke up the  next morning and did the same thing.   I'm not sure what set it off, but I had a mind to just write a letter and this time send it.  Just facts this time.  The first letter was harsh and hurtful and clearly expressed how deeply I was wronged.  I've been fine for 2 days now, but.....

DRAMA TWO   Then there is the issue of "The Talk."   I've been in my current ward for 1 year and 3 months now and have I been asked to speak in sacrament meeting?  NO!  If your married and/or have a cute family then of course they ask you to speak with in like 2 months.  Not us singles.  I've come to realize that it's being a respecter of persons, which is not a good thing.

I like pubic speaking and some years back- maybe 8, I had 4 or 5 talk out lines ready to give if I was ever asked.  I wasn't.  I still have them but I'm sure with new life experiences they would be changed somewhat.
So every day for like 3 to 4 weeks I've been giving the "let me introduce myself" portion of the talk out loud to no one or in my head.  It's not pretty.   It's full of bitterness, looking down at others, trying to prove that I am something or at least WAS something.  That's what I figured out- it's about a self- esteem wack.

I'd mention things about:

How many countries in Europe I'd been to (8).
How many states I've visited (2/3rds)
My Israel and BOM lands cruise. 
Then I tell them about my HUGE family- 7 kids, 26 nieces and nephews, 11 great nieces and nephews.
I'd tell them about how I came to this earth (through my father following the prophet).
I speak about how Twin Falls is clueless about the SA program.
How Idaho is just full of Farmers who have never left the state and know nothing of the outside world.
Of course I mention my wards with millionaires in it.
The CEO of Expedia being in the bishopric, the millionaire stake presidents, single men making 6 figures a year.
I'd point out that men here are so proud of of making 50K at a cheese, dairy or yogurt factory and I cringe.  Cringe because I sure as heck don't want to date them and don't want to live in Idaho the rest of my life and sure as heck don't want to raise kids that have only experienced this, because we couldn't afford it.
I'd tell them how I was a tree hugger, how I'm NOT from Idaho.
I'd mention callings- you know- give them my "church resume"- seminary teacher, temple ordinance worker, my mission. 
I'd tell them that the church was the same everywhere, except for the SA program here in ID.  O gosh I had/have the list of beefs that everyone else is CLUELESS about.
I'd mention my marriage, that it was abusive on 4 different levels.  That I had to come here to heal among strangers.  

Can you feel the pride?  The enmity? So can they. 

I couldn't stop doing this.  It was like an addiction. I didn't know why, and then all of a sudden I realized it was an effort to build me up (or at least knock them down), to show value in my self.  Clearly I didn't have any.  A few weeks previous I remembered what I had learned about 10 years earlier- that men don't find angry and bitter women attractive and this time I learned that neither do women.  While doing my scripture study I did some foot note searches and found out of the blue scriptures that we don't really use for  the topic of pride.  It was good for me, but "the talk" still continued.

One night I couldn't sleep.  I was up crying and doing basically the same thing- reviewing the past.  How was I going to make it stop?  When it hit me- my word for the year- TURN!  Turn from the PAST to the FUTURE.  So... what of my future?

DRAMA THREE   I've been subbing and some days have been good.  The para-ed's have liked me and other's it's been.... I've been... "demanding" of kids that are lazy, not trying, stupid, etc and I have not treated them nicely.  Geese Becky,  didn't you learn your lesson in Gooding?  I mean  do your job and shut up!  Don't insult the kids!  Don't loose patience! And be nice- ya know- like Jesus would. I subbed in HS resource room, but I was also on NO meds. That combination = trouble. I don't have the kindness and patience and ability to make connections with those kids.  I see problems that need to be disciplined, not kids that need to be reached.

I can't be a teacher.  I don't have the patience.  You have to be SO on your toes ALL THE TIME- with class work, behavior, preparing for next day, next week, etc.  It's to much for my brain to handle.   One on one PSR is good.  I've thought about foster care for the money and helping too, but mostly the money.

My future.  What does it hold?  More schooling?  More low paying jobs with no benefits.  Maybe school and then perhaps another failure or another low paying job. What do I do?  The bishop mentioned 'career goals' in his last email to me.  Here's the deal- I don't have career goals.  I never have.  I had the get married and be a mommy career plans.  I kept waiting for that to happen and it never did. Now I'm 40.

I'm working 2 low paying jobs that in a month will go up to almost 15 an hour.  Subbing which is... random and only 65 a day.  And in the summer?  Then what?  I don't have unemployment till Aug 2013.  I need to find a better job.  I need a roommate.  So what did I do?  I filled out applications for low income housing.  I qualify.  I probably qualify for help with heating bills too and also Medicare or caide - what ever it is.  Aren't I just the college grad success story? 

What's fun is my sisters who are judgmental about Ruth and I. What would they be doing with no husband to buy them big homes and trips?  How would their self-esteem be?  Could they go to church every Sunday and feel equal?  Could they support themselves with a pre-school teachers income or what ever they went to school for?  NOPE, but they judge.

I'm judgmental about teachers in Gospel Doctrine.  I didn't participate too much in last weeks SA get together. I played games on my phone instead.  Then there's the SA progam here.... I don't even want to get into that.

The lady who I almost killed on the motorcycle is wanting 1 million dollars from me.  Will they go to mom? Only time will tell.  Mom can give them 1/4 of a million from insurance.

While at times there is a longing to be a super mom, to have a great marriage, mostly I see kids at HS kissing and I want to puke.  I don't like fat guys. I don't like being on top.  I don't the idea of being poor.  Sometimes I'm too bold, too blunt and almost crude at times- in my head mostly. I started a thread on BYU-Idaho Alumni page on FB and it caused some to not be happy.  While there is so much more I want to say to others, I filter.  Scott Mowrer would be proud- his and his million dollar traveling family now.  Ya'd think the rich could throw the poor a bone every once in a while. I love being left behind.

But I'm taking this Llama thing to a gripping session and that's not what I wanted to do.  So I end here.  It's too long.  Most won't read it and I don't have a big readership anyhow.  But it's out there.  Out there for someone to maybe respond.

On a positive note, I'm reading the scriptures every night from the original copy BOM look alike. 

Christian thing to do, Less sin for you

Jason had only learned to handle problems by reviling back.  He practiced the law of Moses.  It drove me crazy because he was so mean and angry and it solved nothing.  He blamed others for his behavior. I put scriptures on the fridge like:

3 Nephi 6: 13 Some were lifted up in pride, and others were exceedingly humble; some did return railing for railing, while others would receive railing and persecution and all manner of afflictions, and would not turn and revile again, but were humble and penitent before God.

and 

Alma 34: 40 And now my beloved brethren, I would exhort you to have ^apatience, and that ye bear with all manner of ^bafflictions; that ye do not ^crevile against those who do cast you out because of your ^dexceeding poverty, lest ye become sinners like unto them;

There are other scriptures that say the same thing with out using the word revile.  Matt 5:39-40

 But I say unto you, That ye resist not ^aevil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right ^bcheek, ^cturn to him the other also.  And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloke also.

And then Mormon 8:20 Behold what the scripture says—man shall not ^asmite, neither shall he ^bjudge; for judgment is mine, saith the Lord, and vengeance is mine also, and I will repay.

There is more than one form of smiting.  It doesn't always mean physical violence, but verbal  as well. 

It really came home to me though a few months ago when I was teaching the be-attitudes in 3 Nephi.  I light bulb went on so bring that had never been on so bright before. Here is a few of the scriptures from Matthew: 

6: 14-15  For if ye ^aforgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:

But if ye ^aforgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

5:44 But I say unto you, ^aLove your ^benemies, ^cbless them that ^dcurse you, do ^egood to them that ^fhate you, and ^gpray for them which despitefully use you, and ^hpersecute you;

 45 That ye ^amay be the ^bchildren of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth ^crain on the just and on the unjust.

 46 For if ye ^alove them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?

3 Nephi 12: 22 But I say unto you, that whosoever is ^aangry with his brother shall be in danger of his judgment. And whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council; and whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.

 23 Therefore, ^aif ye shall come unto me, or shall desire to come unto me, and rememberest that thy brother hath aught against thee—

 24 Go thy way unto thy brother, and first be ^areconciled to thy brother, and then come unto me with full ^bpurpose of heart, and I will receive you.

Here is the big kicker.   If you want to come unto Christ and there are people that have anger towards YOU, (not you towards them) go to them and make restitution with them.  

So, I've had a lot of anger in the past towards Jason and the Twitchells, but I think I've almost let it go.  There are others too, but I'm learning that to be the righteous one, turning the other cheek is the best thing to do.  My dad was awesome at doing this.  It may seem like signing up to get walked on, but it's just letting it go and not letting it bother you.  Do not let someone walk all over you and treat you like crap. Do not. 

Not reviling back when someone reviles at you is the Christian thing to do and avoids MORE sin.  They can keep their sin.  You take the higher road, forget the law of Moses and that eye for an eye stuff!

So while I still want to send a letter I wrote to the Twitchell's or send emails to Jason that are true, but sarcastic, rude and in your face, I don't. I don't because it will do no good for me.  It will only cause me harm (bad replies and proof for them I'm crazy and have not moved on) and increase my anger and my sin. I take the high road of self-denial.  The road where even if you are justified, you don't act.  The road that at first that can be painful, but in the end will bring more peace once time has lapsed.  Good job Becky for finally learning this lesson.  It's about time! 

 Proverbs 25: 21 If thine ^aenemy be ^bhungry, give him bread to eat; and if he be thirsty, give him water to drink:

 22 For thou shalt heap coals of fire upon his head, and the Lord shall ^areward thee.

Anger, General Conference and The Book of Mormon

I have been single for a long time.  All I wanted was a temple marriage and children.  I became an aunt at the age of 7 and literally half of my siblings were married by the time I was in the 5th grade.  I babysat my life away as a teenager.  One year I made a thousand dollars. But I was insecure and so unsure especially when it came to  boys.  I clammed up and ran away even in college when I would get asked out.

But as the years went on my desire for a family was still holding strong, but my patience  waned.   I became angry, bitter and mad at young pretty girls who got the guys because of their looks, even though they were scripturally stupid.  I realized that although they were doctrinally dumb they were sweet and kind and grouchy people didn't get into the celestial kingdom.   "I signed up for this?" I  often thought. The anger and bitterness continued becoming stronger and stronger, especially after the babies of those friends of mine came. One of my favorite things to say was "They have a house, 2 to 5 kids, a time share in Cancun, and a dog, but I don't even have a dog!"   I didn't understand why I was still single.  I wasn't that ugly.  I had righteous desires.  I had lived a good life. I had served a mission, and had spent my time  preparing myself by collecting every thing I got into a folder about dating and marriage.  I was ready, I thought.  I wanted it, but didn't know how to be in a relationship.

 The negative emotions continued to grow.  It didn't serve me well.  Men don't like angry bitter women!

I felt that it was so unjust, so unloving, so unkind of Heavenly  Father to not let me have this righteous desire.   

I love America and see the need for war.  My father fought  in WWII, my brother and brother in law were in the army and when the world is full of injustice WE FIGHT. Take for example the America Revolution.  When we were not treated well, we went to war.  Had we not done that, there would be no USA and we'd be  ruled by the British. That's what I was doing- fighting!  Against who?  God. As if I could beat him in an arm wrestle, let alone anything else!

I was justified in my anger and bitterness!   I was thinking these things one General Conference morning as I was in the kitchen but still listening to the TV in the living room.  Elder James E. Faust was talking.  He was speaking of the Savior.  I don't remember what talk or what he said, but the spirit brought to my remembrance the submissiveness of Jesus.   I started to cry and I knew that I needed to be submissive to the will of the Father for me.  I needed to let go of the anger, resentment of other girls getting married and the bitterness of me being overlooked (The thing that kills me now is that I wasn't over looked.  I over looked them!).

While my attitude didn't change automatically it was another step in getting my heart right.  It would still be years when I would come to completely  trust and rely on and believe the Saviors promises to me that were given in my patriarchal blessing and 17 other blessing that said essentially the same thing:  A young man will come into my life..... 

I continued to read the scriptures daily and marked the qualities and attributes of the Father and the Son that I found.  As I read year in and year out, marking those verses with the same color so they stood out to me, my faith grew stronger and stronger in the promises the Lord had made to me in the scriptures as well as my blessings.  Here is an example of a few verses:  

Hebrews  11:13 These all died in faith, not have received the promises, but having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth.  

Hebrews 12: 1 Wherefore seeing we are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us.

2 Nephi 29:5 ... I the Lord have not forgotten my people. 

vs.9 ... I do this that I may prove unto many that I am the same, yesterday, today and forever ...

2 Nephi 31: 15... the words of my Beloved are true and faithful...

2Nephi 33:3 ... He will hear my cry

Jacob 2: 31 .... I, the Lord, have seen the sorrow, and heard the mourning of the daughters of my people...

Jacob 3:1... He will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction. 

Jacob 4:13.. the spirit speaketh the truth and lieth not.  Wherefore, it speaketh of things as they really are, and of things as they really will be.

Jacob 6:4 ...how merciful is our God unto us...

2 Nephi 26:24 He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world. 

vs. 33...he doeth that which is good among the children of men..

Mosiah 8:20 O how marvelous are the works of the Lord, and how long doeth he suffer with his people.

And so the struggle continues.  But I believe the words of the prophets and the words of the scriptures.  I don't throw tantrums anymore, I just submit, sometimes happily and sometimes with tears, and I suppress my grouchiness, but I am always faithful to what I know is true.

See here for the article I wrote that was published in the New Era about getting my patriarchal blessing.