But as the years went on my desire for a family was still holding strong, but my patience waned. I became angry, bitter and mad at young pretty girls who got the guys because of their looks, even though they were scripturally stupid. I realized that although they were doctrinally dumb they were sweet and kind and grouchy people didn't get into the celestial kingdom. "I signed up for this?" I often thought. The anger and bitterness continued becoming stronger and stronger, especially after the babies of those friends of mine came. One of my favorite things to say was "They have a house, 2 to 5 kids, a time share in Cancun, and a dog, but I don't even have a dog!" I didn't understand why I was still single. I wasn't that ugly. I had righteous desires. I had lived a good life. I had served a mission, and had spent my time preparing myself by collecting every thing I got into a folder about dating and marriage. I was ready, I thought. I wanted it, but didn't know how to be in a relationship.
The negative emotions continued to grow. It didn't serve me well. Men don't like angry bitter women!
I love America and see the need for war. My father fought in WWII, my brother and brother in law were in the army and when the world is full of injustice WE FIGHT. Take for example the America Revolution. When we were not treated well, we went to war. Had we not done that, there would be no USA and we'd be ruled by the British. That's what I was doing- fighting! Against who? God. As if I could beat him in an arm wrestle, let alone anything else!
I was justified in my anger and bitterness! I was thinking these things one General Conference morning as I was in the kitchen but still listening to the TV in the living room. Elder James E. Faust was talking. He was speaking of the Savior. I don't remember what talk or what he said, but the spirit brought to my remembrance the submissiveness of Jesus. I started to cry and I knew that I needed to be submissive to the will of the Father for me. I needed to let go of the anger, resentment of other girls getting married and the bitterness of me being overlooked (The thing that kills me now is that I wasn't over looked. I over looked them!).
I continued to read the scriptures daily and marked the qualities and attributes of the Father and the Son that I found. As I read year in and year out, marking those verses with the same color so they stood out to me, my faith grew stronger and stronger in the promises the Lord had made to me in the scriptures as well as my blessings. Here is an example of a few verses:
And so the struggle continues. But I believe the words of the prophets and the words of the scriptures. I don't throw tantrums anymore, I just submit, sometimes happily and sometimes with tears, and I suppress my grouchiness, but I am always faithful to what I know is true.
See here for the article I wrote that was published in the New Era about getting my patriarchal blessing.