Sunday, March 25, 2012

Anger, General Conference and The Book of Mormon

I have been single for a long time.  All I wanted was a temple marriage and children.  I became an aunt at the age of 7 and literally half of my siblings were married by the time I was in the 5th grade.  I babysat my life away as a teenager.  One year I made a thousand dollars. But I was insecure and so unsure especially when it came to  boys.  I clammed up and ran away even in college when I would get asked out.

But as the years went on my desire for a family was still holding strong, but my patience  waned.   I became angry, bitter and mad at young pretty girls who got the guys because of their looks, even though they were scripturally stupid.  I realized that although they were doctrinally dumb they were sweet and kind and grouchy people didn't get into the celestial kingdom.   "I signed up for this?" I  often thought. The anger and bitterness continued becoming stronger and stronger, especially after the babies of those friends of mine came. One of my favorite things to say was "They have a house, 2 to 5 kids, a time share in Cancun, and a dog, but I don't even have a dog!"   I didn't understand why I was still single.  I wasn't that ugly.  I had righteous desires.  I had lived a good life. I had served a mission, and had spent my time  preparing myself by collecting every thing I got into a folder about dating and marriage.  I was ready, I thought.  I wanted it, but didn't know how to be in a relationship.

 The negative emotions continued to grow.  It didn't serve me well.  Men don't like angry bitter women!
I felt that it was so unjust, so unloving, so unkind of Heavenly  Father to not let me have this righteous desire.   

I love America and see the need for war.  My father fought  in WWII, my brother and brother in law were in the army and when the world is full of injustice WE FIGHT. Take for example the America Revolution.  When we were not treated well, we went to war.  Had we not done that, there would be no USA and we'd be  ruled by the British. That's what I was doing- fighting!  Against who?  God. As if I could beat him in an arm wrestle, let alone anything else!

I was justified in my anger and bitterness!   I was thinking these things one General Conference morning as I was in the kitchen but still listening to the TV in the living room.  Elder James E. Faust was talking.  He was speaking of the Savior.  I don't remember what talk or what he said, but the spirit brought to my remembrance the submissiveness of Jesus.   I started to cry and I knew that I needed to be submissive to the will of the Father for me.  I needed to let go of the anger, resentment of other girls getting married and the bitterness of me being overlooked (The thing that kills me now is that I wasn't over looked.  I over looked them!).

While my attitude didn't change automatically it was another step in getting my heart right.  It would still be years when I would come to completely  trust and rely on and believe the Saviors promises to me that were given in my patriarchal blessing and 17 other blessing that said essentially the same thing:  A young man will come into my life..... 

I continued to read the scriptures daily and marked the qualities and attributes of the Father and the Son that I found.  As I read year in and year out, marking those verses with the same color so they stood out to me, my faith grew stronger and stronger in the promises the Lord had made to me in the scriptures as well as my blessings.  Here is an example of a few verses:  

Hebrews  11:13 These all died in faith, not have received the promises, but having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth.  
Hebrews 12: 1 Wherefore seeing we are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us.

2 Nephi 29:5 ... I the Lord have not forgotten my people. 
vs.9 ... I do this that I may prove unto many that I am the same, yesterday, today and forever ...
2 Nephi 31: 15... the words of my Beloved are true and faithful...
2Nephi 33:3 ... He will hear my cry
Jacob 2: 31 .... I, the Lord, have seen the sorrow, and heard the mourning of the daughters of my people...
Jacob 3:1... He will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction. 
Jacob 4:13.. the spirit speaketh the truth and lieth not.  Wherefore, it speaketh of things as they really are, and of things as they really will be.
Jacob 6:4 merciful is our God unto us...
2 Nephi 26:24 He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world. 
vs. 33...he doeth that which is good among the children of men..
Mosiah 8:20 O how marvelous are the works of the Lord, and how long doeth he suffer with his people.

And so the struggle continues.  But I believe the words of the prophets and the words of the scriptures.  I don't throw tantrums anymore, I just submit, sometimes happily and sometimes with tears, and I suppress my grouchiness, but I am always faithful to what I know is true.

See here for the article I wrote that was published in the New Era about getting my patriarchal blessing.

1 comment:

Christy Jones said...

I didn't know you got an article published! Its interesting how life takes us on roads we didn't expect.