Sunday, September 25, 2011

my crying complaints: too many women, not enough men

I think I've been to 4 firesides now and 2 activities. The firesides are nice, but shallow in doctrine if you've studied the scriptures like I have. Two of them have been about that. I could do a better job at a fireside, but it's only because I have obtained the ideas I use from so many sources. The people are nice. Unless it's a mid-single group everyone is old, older, or much older. In the mid-singles activities is lots of women and a few men. Women with children mostly.

I go home so emptied of hope for a future with a man and a family. There are so many choices for the men and I'm just not that pretty, thin, or have a great career. It's really depressing. I know I need to focus on healing and finding myself again, getting my confidence back. It's hard because the phone calls and texts have still been going on with Jason. I know I shouldn't answer or reply. He basically begs me to come back, calls me beautiful, apologizes for yelling and says he'll never do it again, but during the day when I think of him, its the negative stuff. If I go back it would be out of fear of never finding anyone, spending the rest of my life alone, and because he's so sad and wants me. It's not about love. I'm sure I'd go back and be depressed still and want to leave again.

So,what is a girl to do? I shared in the fireside tonight about if you look for the qualities and attributes of the Godhead your faith will increase in them. It's true, when I did it for years. I started to believe, to really believe in the promises he'd made to me for year - 17 promises of marriage and family and it got me to where I was when I met Jason. I was OK with being single, had men to flirt with, but had faith in those promises. But now...... I just don't know what to believe, what to pray for, what to do.

Sometimes I want to be a hermit and hide from the rest of the world. I'm sobbing right now as I type this. I wasn't planning on doing a post like his.

My life is depressing. I work with depressing people, and if I get this job I will need to be under constant vigilance of the mentally ill, disabled person I'll be with. That doesn't sound much like a life. I used to wonder what my patriarchal blessing said when it mentioned "those that are less fortunate" than me. We'll that was silly- heck- just wait a year or two and boom- it's completely clear.

But I'm suppose to find happiness now, know Heavenly Father loves me. Sure I'll do that surrounded by people who have husbands and children. I just don't want to be alone!

I was such a joke thinking before that I was at the "top of my game" as Elder Gardner put it, because I didn't marry the wrong person, didn't have a failed marriage, or children, or baggage. I need to just stop thinking anything and then nothing will happen to me.


Jocelyn Christensen said...

JUST HANG'll do alright in the end!

Christy Jones said...

Its tough right now but it will get better, even if you never find a man, it will get better! You are perfect just the way you are. BELIEVE IT!!