Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Reality and Fears

There have been a few times when I've cried at work. Sometimes my clients notice, sometimes they don't. The sadness about my life can be overwhelming and I feel as though I screwed it up badly and it can't be fixed completely, but I don't know for sure. Here's why I feel this way.

The biggest reason is that I screed it up. It's my fault. I knew better, but I did wrong anyway. Jason and I were very intimate with each other before me got married. We didn't go 'all the way'. Our dating life consisted of movies, food and nakedness. We got some advice to marry rather than break my covenants. So we did. This is difficult for me because of 2 blessings I've had in the past, one being my patriarchal blessing that says this: A young man will come into your life to help you in the teachings of your children and through his love will help you develop some of your greater attributes. That's all it says about a man. I always thought it was a pretty good sentence. There's a whole paragraph about children. Two years before I got married I got a blessing from Jeff Thompson, my seminary teacher of 4 years, my friends father and his wife was my merry miss teacher and YW president. He gives amazing blessings that are often prophetic. This one that is 2.5 pages typed out single spaced (we always record them) said: "He(the Lord) will not allow you to fail in anyway; as long as you continue to work diligently to live the commandments to do those things that you have been placed here to do. ... You still have the opportunity to one day be sealed to a worthy husband".
To read about WHY we should stay morally clean before marriage read this- it's great!

I feel as if I failed, that I screwed up the plan. I know he knows the end from the beginning and perhaps this is part of the path, or that he knew what I'd do. The difficulty is knowing that the pains that I'm suffering now are due to my sins. There is so much that is tied to this, that I just don't know how to take any of those blessings any more. There are no men in my life that give those kinds of blessings anymore. I want one so badly. Some sort of message of sins forgiven or will be forgiven, that those things can still be achieved or if I ruined it. Some guidance and direction of what I should do, where I should head, what I should focus on.

I went to a few single adult activities recently and the ratios are terrible. One fireside had 25 women and 3 men. Another activity was more like 50 women and 12 men. There are women much prettier than me. They are thinner, have longer hair and their faces are pretty. will I ever have a chance to be married again? Doesn't look like it. It's depressing to think that I could possibly be single for the rest of my life, not ever be a mother and fulfill the measure of my creation.

I will need to find a way to support myself for the rest of my life. My family has helped me out so much, I don't know that I can say I've ever done it completely on my own. When mom is gone who will I call just to talk to, or go to for money when I'm desperately in need and can't do it myself? I can probably forget about traveling. I will have to find a way to be happy being single again, to find fulfillment in my life. I will be the single woman who most will think I never married, although I did and he still wants me. Will I regret leaving? Will there always be this feeling over my head of what I did, what I didn't do and how I screwed it up. How will feel about myself?

One other thing is the loss of friends. I left the area I've lived as a child/teenager for 10 years and then anther 10 as an adult, with about 10 in between the 2.

Often it's overwhelming and I beg for mercy, for help,and relief from the Master himself.
But all I can do is this:


Christy Jones said...

We all make mistakes!! Some are just more obvious. personally I don't believe anything is a real mistake because we can use it to learn from, to grow and become better. Your going through something that is very tough, just know it will pass but will take time. All you can do is move forward.

Michelle said...

You are so humble, and I know you have a strong testimony. Hang in there! Heavenly Father loves you so much!! It must be difficult, but you have some amazing blessings to look forward to, it sounds like!