Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Trial of Faith (take 2)

FYI:  Jason called me yesterday at 7am on my way to the new job.  He still does not have a job.  It's been SO hot in St. Louis (106 degrees) that they won't let the  brick masons work, hence no money.  I've been praying that friends and family get jobs.  I need to add him to the list.  He also wanted to know about my dating life.  Nope,  not gonna tell him about that and I don't want to hear about his dating life either.  I will discuss money and inquire about the welfare of family (and he can too), but that is it.  The whole things was a little shocking really, but it takes away one of those anniversaries (see post below) which is fine and good and as it should be.

In other news:  

So, a few weeks ago, I was hired by a different company that does the same work as I've been doing only in Twin Falls, which means A LOT less driving and also pays two dollars an hour more. A savings and a gain. But as I went to trainings, I kept walking away thinking and verbalizing to others "What have I done?"  This company is annal, micromanages and honestly treats it's employee's like children.  During the interveiw I was asked what my current company would say about me.  Luckily I had a good Jan-May.  Oct to Dec was not good and I was honest about my falling asleep at work.  They valued my honesty.  

I head to the first day of my job mostly to observe. I saw their summer programs which are located in 3 portables.  I see the HS program, the elementary program, and the middle school program.  During the middle school program they put a movie in, turned off the lights and I fell asleep(I did this in a theater too).  The head person there, takes a picture of me and sends it to the boss.  Strike 1.  At the end of the day, I speak with my trainer and complain a little about all the extra things that this company requires and is annal about that I know that all other companies in the area do not do.  The next day I show up on time and in 15 minutes am back home with a check to put in the bank.  Yep I was fired.   I didn't protest, but said OK, took the check and left. Was I sad?  Yes, oh yes.  Did I realize what I had done?  Yes.  Oh, my life would of been so much better off financially and I could of taken months of my get out of debt plan.

The next day I called my old boss, I had not completely left the company, so asked if I could be full time again.  I learned Friday evening at 5 just as I was about to leave for a 5 day weekend at mom's that yes, there was a job for me- in Gooding,  a  45 minute drive from Twin and it was with a difficult 16 year old girl.  I was NOT happy because of that, but also because school had already started, so I would need to be back to work on Monday. Bye bye vacation!

I immediately enter depressed, distraught, anger, faithless mode.  How could heavenly Father do this to me, I thought. Nothing is matching up- the dichotomy of my patriarchal blessing and my life is a 180.   How much does He expect me to go through?  I realize I did this to myself.  I can't take much more and really need to be thrown a bone.

I was back at that place where I had been earlier in my life, where I wanted to throw rocks at God.  Ridiculous visual, huh?  Paleeeeese!  I did not think him keeping me single was kind, merciful or just and I demanded my blessings NOW!  Yes, I was like a two year old throwing a tantrum and every good parent knows to walk away and not give them any attention.  God is the best parent of all so he did not listen or condemn.

I did however get out of it.  I because happy with being single- something I did not want.  I wanted to be happy married, not single. But I did finally get happy.  How did I do it?  I think this is how:

I had been taught at institute to study the scripture looking for the qualities and attributes of the Godhead as described in Lectures on Faith. I had marked those 12 qualities and attributes and many more in many sets of  scriptures with a specific color for a  decade at least.  Doing this is suppose to make your faith grow in God and His Son.  Also, I had been collecting my blessings, by having them recorded, transcribed, etc.  As the years increased I had a total of 17 promises of marriage and family and I began to believe in my evidences that could not be seen,  at the same time being OK with it not happening in this life.  Another strange dichotomy.  Hebrews 11:1,  Helaman 5: 50

Here I was again, in 2012, with the same issue.  I felt as if I could not trust and rely on those promises any longer.  I needed new ones.  I was growing my faith once again from the start. The seed was that one promise in the patriarchal blessing and I needed other evidences to make my faith sure. However with the many blessings I received since leaving WA, NONE said anything about marriage and family.  It has burdened me greatly.  I do not know what to have faith in, what to hope for, where to put my focus, what to do. I needed HELP!  I even went to my bishop about getting a second patriarchal blessing. My grandmother had her second one years ago. 

I'm driving to my mom's house and the thought comes to me about Abraham and Sarah. I had always puzzled at Abraham going to sacrafice Isaac because:
1. He himself was on an altar ready to be sacrificed but was rescued by Jehovah (Abraham 1:7, 12, 16)
2. He had been so faithful in waiting for Isaac to be born- a long hard wait- that in and of itself a trial of faith and the promised birthright son had come and in him was all the blessings and covenants going to be fulfilled. 

I learned a few years ago, (pre-Jason) how and why Abraham could have that kind of faith.
1. Abraham KNEW GOD, spoke with him face to face (Abraham 3:11), and he trusted him.
2. Abraham  had seen his day (John 8:56) and knew that God was able to raise him from the dead (Hebrews 11: 17-19
3.  Abraham himself had been rescued, perhaps Isaac would be rescued too.  (speculation)
See, not being married and having children was my Abrahamic trial.  It was.  It really was.  And I found myself again experiences the same trial and test.  I was sarcastic and bitter as I had been. I  started to wonder if Abraham and Sarah had put time limits on the Lord as I was doing. Did they still believe at 40, at 50, at 60, at 70 that Isaac would come and then to go and kill the fulfillment of prophecy, their miracle, their blessing? 

I knew that I could not put time limits on God either. I would need to trust in his timing, just as Neal A. Maxwell had said was included with faith.

Perhaps my ram in the thicket will come, perhaps not. Perhaps I, like the early saints need to be tried even as Abraham.  (D&C 101:4)  The faithful become the seed of Abraham (D&C 138: 41) and I want the Celestial Kingdom, so I am working on waiting on the Lord and having faith.  In the mean time, regardless of what happens, if I become a wife and mother in this life or not I have a plan.  It is a traveling plan based on my love of animals. I'm hoping this will give me some motivation to not spend.  

I want to go to: 
1. The Okaniwa Acquarium to see Whale Sharks

2. The Guadalapos Island to see these: 

3. Australia to see some of these creatures. 

That is living Jason, not going to movies or drinking Starbucks hot chocolates!

1 comment:

Christy Jones said...

Or just go to the San diago Zoo and see all of them in the same place! Sorry for all your trials. I believe it will get better.