Sunday, November 17, 2013

I am fearful

Here is how things really are.  

I am fearful for the future.  

I haven't been able to pay all my bills on my own for months and even years, especially since my marriage. The church has had to help and so has my mom.  I'm on food stamps which is a blessing and live in low income housing. 

I was diagnosed a few weeks ago with two things.  1. Major depressive disorder (moderate).  2. Borderline personality disorder. 

I'm going through Vocational Rehabilitation, a state program to help me get a better job.  I could of picked going to school, but that caused me a lot of stress and tons of tears.  In 12 days I cried 10 of them. Not good odds. I was fearful of that too.  Picking the right thing, being successful, getting a job afterwords, going into more debt to do it when I'm trying to get out of debt.  So I picked having them help me find a job, but I"m fearful with that too. I worry about shooting too high or too low.  I worry about getting a job and quitting the one I have now and then needed to go back to subbing but them not letting me.  See I was nearly let go from that job last spring.  What if the new job doesn't work out?  What if I go through burn out as I have in the past and need to change jobs again. What if? What if? What if?

How will I support myself for the rest of my life?  Mom will not always be there with money.  I don't have health benefits and what if my health goes bad?  What if I need to get another car and can't afford it?  More what if's  I'm sure I'm missing some more I haven't even thought of. 

I need someone to tell me It's all going to work out, that Heavenly Father has a plan, that somehow, some way things will get better.  

I used to travel.  I used to have hope for the future.  I used to enjoy life.  But the reality of just making it, just holding on financially and otherwise for the rest of my life and not really enjoying it looks like what the future holds for me. I don't think I'll be getting married any time soon. I used to have so many blessings that said I would. But now that doesn't happen in blessings anymore. There is no one here in Twin and I've gained weight and my hair is short and that's just the physical stuff, not the diagnosis's.

How does one be happy with all that now and in the future? Acceptance?  But acceptance isn't happiness.  It's being resigned to my lot in life. 
Maybe I could get on disability income and still work some hours and that would pay the bills.  That needs to be my plan B and that is up in the air and uncertain too. It also means low income housing and foods stamps for the rest of my life. 

But I keep on keeping on, only I cry more.  I teach primary.  I go to work.  I go to social things, but am I happy?  NO. This diagnosis has taken the life out of me. 

One of the most difficult things is that I have no one to share my feelings with that validate me.  That have known me for more than 2 years here in Twin.  No one that knows what I used to be like. That knows more than just my disabilities. No one that I can really just sob to and get it all out and have them do and say the things I need to hear that are correct too.  I know some will say some things but it won't be helpful. There are people whose advice I don't trust. 

Another difficult things is no one to give me a blessing- that has the spirit of prophecy like I had in Brother Thompson. 

The whole thing is just awful and so not about Jason anymore although at times things from the past will pop up; Jason, the Twitchell's and family members who have hurt me. 

But there.  I got it all down and hardly any one will read it, comment or care- especially my family. 

4 comments:

Frank Pellett said...

I know we're still a bit far away, but Karen (nee Sanders) and I still keep an eye out for you over the internets. I hope things start to get better.

Christy Jones said...

I am sorry you feel this way, things look bleak for you from your perspective but look at your blessings, your mom is so close by and can help you, something I don't have, my parents have no money or resources to help if we ever needed it and I never get to see them, I worry about their future and retirement as they have nothing saved. I would love to have my mother be such a big part of my life. You have things that others do not and if you focus on those then maybe life would seem better! You are a strong woman and I know you can do this life without a man! Marriage does not solve problems that already exist.

Anonymous said...

As our prayers ascend heavenward, let us not forget the words taught to us by the Savior. When He faced the excruciating agony of Gethsemane and the cross, He prayed to the Father, “Not my will, but thine, be done.” Difficult as it may at times be, it is for us, as well, to trust our Heavenly Father to know best how and when and in what manner to provide the help we seek.

-Thomas S. Monson

Beth Graham said...

some of your family does read and care....my own life is so up in the air, not sure how I can help right now, Becky. We are trying to figure things out too,and pray Gary gets a job. Sometimes it feels like the Lord just doesn't hear. know you are loved, even if it is from far away.