Thursday, January 29, 2009

Living Vicariously

Just an FYI: I've been going to Hypno-therapy and it's working! A lot of my negative emotions are being taken care of, and the best part is you don't have to talk about it, or relive any of it. Your "wisdom center" takes care of it! I highly recommend it! I'm a believer!

Ok, here's what I really wanted to share. About 6 years ago, I was really into watching Discovery Health Channel. I watched all the baby shows- mom's having babies, moms in labor, good birthing experiences, scary birthing experiences, etc. I would watch sometimes and think-"I have to do that!, I need to do that!" People would think I'm weird. I worried some about my age creeping up and thought about asking a friend or a sister if I could be there for the birth of their baby. If I wasn't going to do this for real, I had to have some more real life experiences, not just through a TV screen. But, alas it has not happened and I don't think it will. It's too personal, right? So there went that phase.

Now there is this phase. I've been reading blogs about women who can't have children, who loose children in womb, or who have children born then die or who are born dead. A few months ago I was glued to them and this week I've been back wanting more.

I made a connection to me, to why I'm in these phases. I'm living vicariously! In watching women have babies, it was like me doing it. Now, in reading about women who can't have babies or have lost them, It's like me. I can't have them. I may have lost my chance. I live vicariously through them.

Here is a quote from a mom who has been able to adopt 2 babies, but is fighting the birth father for the second one. She will win, because all he has is a HS diploma and they have proof of his abuse to the birth mother. What she wrote rang true to me and is so well said. There is no capitalization on purpose!

one thing i must say, something that i know is absolute truth is that fathers are important.if you don't have one, i am sorry, but that doesn't mean they aren't important. sperm is important, backyards are important, pregnancy is important, common DNA is important, clean air is important ...we don't have any of things at the r house, but we know they are important. we don't have them, but we don't discount them. you can know something is important even if you don't have it in your life. and as my beloved myra (who is like a little sister to me though she towers almost a foot over me) put it, "many of us who grew up without a dad know even more profoundly how important dads are."this post is not meant to offend.(i am not entirely sure what this post is meant to do other than offer my thoughts and recent pondering and study.)if you were to write a post about how important pregnancy is i would understand because pregnancy is an important part of a woman's mortal existence. i will never be pregnant. i will never experience that part of being human. i will never know what it is like to be a co-creator with God in life. i will never be a biological mother. i will never know what mr. and my babies would have looked like. those blessings were withheld from me.i understand this.and although it sometimes hurts my heart that it will never be a part of my life, i still know that it is important and i also know that i can live a happy and full life without that blessing because i choose to.i understand what it is like to have blessings withheld from you.i know there is something in this world that i am missing out on.i get that.and i am okay with it.

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