How I Study General Conference

 

My conference editions of the Ensign used to get pretty worn. This summer I attended Education Week at BYU-Idaho and learned this trick  from an instructor.  Take the Ensign to a store like Office Max or Staples and have them do 2 things: 

1. Spiral bind it. 

2.  Have them put a clear plastic cover on the front and a black cover on the back. 

It's fairly cheep to do. Should be under five dollars.

 

Then I get to the meat of studying.  I pick topic's and assign them colors. This year was just 3.

-When any talk tells us to read our scriptures.  (last year it was ALL over the place)

-When any of the talks give advice about raising families or anything in the vein of families 

-Marking any questions the speakers ask US!

In conferences past I've had put to 5 topic's to focus on and it can be anything you want really, but I pick the themes that are repeated over and over again. 

 

I treat them as I do my scriptures, because they are just that!  I mark them up.  

I always write/bullet point the main points of the talk. 

The one below says this: 

 # Our own lives can be temple standard; no gritty walls or crooked/flawed windows. 

# Our "contractor" hold us to high standards.

# The Lord knows the level of our efforts and if we have done our personal best.

 

I write in the margin's, I circle words, and I even write my feelings sometimes.  

All of it just like I do with my scriptures. 

The picture does not show my completed study of this talk as it is now. Here is what I wrote up by

 Elder Cook's face: (pictured below)

*Moral issues addressed in families:

*Repentance only panacea 

*Unkindness 

*Sexual immorality

# Immersion in the scriptures

# Take any necessary action to feel the spirit.

I box whole paragraphs that I feel as super important. Along with the color makers I use a black marker.  This year it's a paper mate flair pen.  Find the ones that don't smear. I used colored permanent markers that also don't smear.  I haven't show it here, but I also will circle the footnote numbers that I particularly liked. The footnotes make is SO like the scriptures.  Being led by Jesus Christ through a prophet of God and his 12 apostles is wonderful.  We get to hear from them twice a year, 2 days strait each time. I always feel the spirit and know what I need to do to make my life better. The time is coming up soon! It's the first Saturday and Sunday of April.  Watch online if you want! 

The link above is to Elder Cook's talk Can Ye Feel So Now?  It's from a scripture right from 

The Book of Mormon:

• Alma 5:26  And now behold, I say unto you, my brethren, if ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?
  

This sister makes graphic message from conference that can be printed like pictures.  Very cool!

But first she takes notes like this: http://fambee.org/blog/category/mormon/

The Power of Prayer

In Sept I was in a very bad car accident. It was 100% my fault. 10K of damage was done to my mom's car, but the other automobile was a 2012 Harley. One person got up and was walking. The other wasn't. She had a broken leg, broken ribs, punctured and partially deflated lungs and a head injury. 3 days after the accident they put her in a coma and helicoptered her to Pocatello. They were asking a million dollars of me.

While I wish I could say I did what every red blooded American would do- write a check, I can't. However we got a call Friday from the insurance saying they had settled (at least part of it). They got 1/4 of what they wanted. Do you know what my mom has been doing? She put their names on the prayer roll for months! I may have done it once- for their healing, but it worked in another way too! Pretty amazing, huh! Here are pictures of the car accident.

 

Dad is still around

My father's birthday is Feb 26th.  He was born in 1917, so he would be 96 this year. I've posted before about moments with my dad on the other side of the veil.  I've had quite a few recently.

A few weeks ago I had that upset week due to what was said to me by the bishop in front of the whole ward council.  I spent sacrament meeting REALLY upset.  In my tears, all of a sudden I thought of dad.  I missed my dad.  I wish my dad was here.  I KNOW he would of felt my pain, he would of understood and not wanted me to suffer in that way.  I know this because of how he acted in the past to things like this that caused me such grief and heart ache.  He would of cried with me. I know he was there, listening to me, hearing me, totally aware of what I was going through. I know I thought of him only, because he was there, watching or actually with me.

I felt nothing from him when I got married.  Nothing.  I know it's because it wasn't right.  And that is sad.

I went to the temple Thursday and the high priest group leader was there.  He was one of the people who also was in the bishopric's office when "it" happened.  He asked me to go to the prayer circle. His wife is not a member.  When I was there, standing next to this thin older brother I thought of dad.  *tears*  I miss my dad.

Dad and Mom, just a month before he died in July of 2006.

This didn't happen recently, but while I lived in Nampa, praying on my bedside crying so hard, I saw in my minds eye, someone tapping dad on the shoulder while he was talking to a group of people, men I think.  The person tapped him and then pointed down at me.  He turned around and witnessed my pain.  I'd like to think the person who tapped him was the Savior, but it's my understanding that he does not reside there.  Either way, it does not matter.  My dad was there and someone, perhaps another family member let my dad know what was going on with me. He seems to be there in times of pain.

I really believe that dad is doing missionary work there.  He was almost always called to be a stake missionary.  He was often trying to be a missionary while on this earth- in his younger years at least. 

It was sad to be in Europe 6 days after we buried him.  I went to WWII places. I finally KNEW what kind of questions to ask and he wasn't there. 

A thought just occurred to me.  I think he is very aware of his family when we are in pain.  When we are happy and things are going good for us spiritually and emotionally (those 2 are tied together) he's busy doing his job. I know that he's busy but aware because a blessing told me so.  I think if I had a spouse that I was sealed to that was on the other side of the veil he would be the one looking in.  I'm sure dad is worried about the married kids when there are hard times, but if they have a spouse who takes good care of them emotionally, is at least trying anyway, then his fatherly responsibility... is well.... It's been taken over by the husband responsibility, because you know... A man should leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife.

So the big message is:

Of this I know! 

So Wounded, So Hurt!

On Sunday the Bishop who has been great up until NOW, humiliated me in front of the whole Ward Council.  It's been 4 days since it's happened and I continue to wake up to the feeling of intense anger and I yell- at him although I know no one is there. I yell out of self-defense and self preservation.  I really can't tell you how wounded I am.  I did not warrant what I got.  

I was told by the Stake Presidency member and the HC that I should be at the ward council meeting.  I was in Bellevue before I got married.  I tell this to the bishop and he said he's going to check.  Message is -i don't believe you.   I  never hear anything back but  my HT is in the Bishopric so I talk to him, he said they had been talking about it, so yes come in.   When it gets to the SA on the list I start.  I tell them my EXPERIENCES:

1. There was nothing here in the TF stake. 
2. I went to the stake president- He acknowledged they didn't know how to do it well, he was glad I came. 
3. For some reason the SA program here gathers the senior citiizens- I've had 2 dates with them, one that pooped on my bathroom floor.
4. I also mention that most likely they have not been in a council with a SA rep, but that it happens all over the place.
5.  I tell them about what we are trying to do.- Activities every month.  The day previous was an activity  our ward  was the only one that came through.  
6. There are 66 SA in our wards.  I need to know who is dead, moved, married, a do not contact, etc.
7. Activity announcements need to be made in RS and Priesthood. 
8. I also mention that MANY SA are not asked to speak like the married people are.  I mention this to point out the incongrucency and the fact that it is being a respector of persons. 

Here is where the crap comes in.
The bishop gets out the handbook, reads the paragraph that does not mention my calling at all.  I'm shocked.  He also mentions him talking to the stk pres who says if he feels like we need it, I can come.  A clear statement from Bishop- "If I'm invited."  Then he mentions the meeting with Elder Holland and some other big wig, who mentions that a YSA  girl hates the word young in there and that they are adults and want to be treated as such.  The way the bishop said this was like it was a REVELATION. Daaa!  They are adults, but the church cannot get rid of the word young.  Have the girl grow up or get married. One cannot get rid of that word. For the last decade there have been "mid-singles" focus in areas around the country.  You cannot name every one 18 to dead with the same name. That's kaos. I mention the books dad had read, that he shared with me about in the 1960's a women being so glad they changed it from ALL 18 to dead to 18 to 31 and then 31 to dead.  It's taken another 50 years to make another change.

Bishop yells at me for #8, insists the SA program is the same (something he knows NOTHING about) where ever you go.  Then tells me that we need the spirit here. I will speak when I am asked to!!!!!  He was red in the face, looking directly at me and everyone else was dead silent saying nothing- except for one stupid male.  

The stupid male says that were all going to be single some day.
So what's his point?  He's not single NOW!

• Does he know what it's like to leave a highly LDS populated college with out a ring on?

• Does he know what it's like leave a YSA ward having "graduated with out honors" and go to a family ward knowing that your changes of marriage just decreased a BUNCH!

• Does he know what's it like to know at new years eve that it's another year of unfulfilled dreams and unanswered prayers.

• Does he know what it's like to go to every family reunion with out a spouse and kids? 

• Does he know what it's like to go to baby showers and only have someone else experiences to share- and the same goes for every lesson at church on marriage and family?

• Does he know the fear of being alone your whole life and that when you do get to old to take care of yourself there will be no kids or grand kids to help or plan or even go to the funeral?  

• Does he know what it's like to not be picked, year after year, after year and wonder WHY?  Are you ugly?  Are you..... (you fill in the blank) . WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?  It falls into everyone's lap!  Why not yours?

• Does he know what's it like to know that all months the good eggs are gone and that all the bleeding and cramps have been in vain.

• How about Valentines Day?  How about when you come home so tired you don't want to cook or do anything, but you have to because there is only one of you. 

• Does he know how to do this all and more for 20 years and still maintain a self-esteem?  

THE LIST COULD GO ON and ON and ON and ON.   The answer each time would be NO!

Bottom line is he mocked my pain!  His experience will never compair to mine, not just because he's not a woman, but because he has a temple marriage and he has children.  If his wife were to die tomorrow he still has an eternal marriage and children to take care of and that will take care of him. 

Then there's the bishop- the man who's been "investing in me" for over a year by having the church pay for counseling.  The man who knows I was in a emotionally, sexually, physically and financially abusive marriage with the frosting being CONTROL and I'm trying to rebuild my life and who I am - AMONG STRANGERS in a FARMING COMMUNITY which is a COMPLETE 180 from where I left.  The man who knows all this but picked up HUGE BOULDERS and THREW  them at my GLASS CASTLE  - IN FRONT of 10 PEOPLE, who will then go home and tell their spouses and most likely others. I am the only one in that room who knows what's it's like to be single with no spouse for 17 years and then to be divorced!  THE ONLY ONE! 

I refussed to be treated like that.

Then he tries to appologize, takes me into his room and asks me how I feel about the savior?  REALLY? REALLY?  What does that have to do with ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED?  NOTHING!   (I'm not the only one who thinks so too)   Can we please get real!

I can't sit down., I'm pacing and he's asking me about the Savior?  Is this to deflect what he did? To put the blame on me????  Or something Elder Holland told him to do?  I've had no time to process anything.  No time to realize that he negated my feelings, experiences, knowledge and facts.  Completely negated them. So- what of my value?  Clearily the message is NONE!!   I of course CAN'T TAKE IT. I do not go into chapel, but I stay on the couch in the foyer where a women named Wendy who has been to my home and was in the stake RS presidency finds me and then finds Terry Miller the HC.  They take me into the other wards clerks office and I scream and cry and am just beside myself.  They want to give me a blessing, but they can't for a while because I can't calm down. Terry says I shouldn't worry about what others think of me.  That's easy when one has someone to go home to that valadates your existence.  Who tells you they love you regularily and oh so much more.  Maybe your fabulous at your job or with something, anything that makes you feel like your life is worth the effort, but I have none of those things or anything like unto it. Not even close.  Wendy tells me he is a man and doesn't get women's needs.

I go to the SA meetings and suffer through and leave early, because I can't sit there in what is suppose to be a committee, not a dictatorship.  I realize that they cannot think out of there Idaho box and everything they do will be a 10 to them, but a 5 for me.  So I let go of expectations and choose to not go anymore. Tell me what to do and I'll do it, but I will not sit there and ...... want to throw up.

In Utah I'd be a number, lost in the crowd.  In Twin Falls  it's stupidvill.  In WA it's the same old, same old. So where do I go?  Does it even matter?

When you're raised in my family where there is no plan B or G, or M, etc,  you are waiting for the real thing to come and when it doesn't- you are screwed- emotionally and financially, etc.   So happy life for me.  I'll just keep make believing stories in my head, giving talks in my head where I am great, because that is the only place I get if from and my brain does not know the difference between reality and lies.

Ya, my family knows all about the SA program!  3 ways in 2 ways out.  2 ways out:  death or matramony.
3 ways  in- spouse die, divorce, or never married.  Up until my stupid marraige we had all 3 and I joked with mom about going to  dances...  now it's 3 generations- mom, me and Ruth and now nephew David.

Tell the Drama to your Llama!

Guess what-- You're the Llama!

DRAMA ONE    About 2 months ago I could not sleep, so I got up and wrote 2 pages to the couple who introduced Jason  and I, and supposedly counseled us.  What a joke!  The letter was good healing for me and I didn't cry or get angry about them afterwords .... until just a few days ago.  I put some money in my credit union and headed home.  That's when the tears and anger started again and It didn't stop.  I was SO mad at them.  They were clueless about Jason's spending, about the money my mom gave me from my inheritance to pay bills. Double and then some of what he took out of his retirement to pay HIS and OUR bills.   I woke up the  next morning and did the same thing.   I'm not sure what set it off, but I had a mind to just write a letter and this time send it.  Just facts this time.  The first letter was harsh and hurtful and clearly expressed how deeply I was wronged.  I've been fine for 2 days now, but.....

DRAMA TWO   Then there is the issue of "The Talk."   I've been in my current ward for 1 year and 3 months now and have I been asked to speak in sacrament meeting?  NO!  If your married and/or have a cute family then of course they ask you to speak with in like 2 months.  Not us singles.  I've come to realize that it's being a respecter of persons, which is not a good thing.

I like pubic speaking and some years back- maybe 8, I had 4 or 5 talk out lines ready to give if I was ever asked.  I wasn't.  I still have them but I'm sure with new life experiences they would be changed somewhat.
So every day for like 3 to 4 weeks I've been giving the "let me introduce myself" portion of the talk out loud to no one or in my head.  It's not pretty.   It's full of bitterness, looking down at others, trying to prove that I am something or at least WAS something.  That's what I figured out- it's about a self- esteem wack.

I'd mention things about:

How many countries in Europe I'd been to (8).
How many states I've visited (2/3rds)
My Israel and BOM lands cruise. 
Then I tell them about my HUGE family- 7 kids, 26 nieces and nephews, 11 great nieces and nephews.
I'd tell them about how I came to this earth (through my father following the prophet).
I speak about how Twin Falls is clueless about the SA program.
How Idaho is just full of Farmers who have never left the state and know nothing of the outside world.
Of course I mention my wards with millionaires in it.
The CEO of Expedia being in the bishopric, the millionaire stake presidents, single men making 6 figures a year.
I'd point out that men here are so proud of of making 50K at a cheese, dairy or yogurt factory and I cringe.  Cringe because I sure as heck don't want to date them and don't want to live in Idaho the rest of my life and sure as heck don't want to raise kids that have only experienced this, because we couldn't afford it.
I'd tell them how I was a tree hugger, how I'm NOT from Idaho.
I'd mention callings- you know- give them my "church resume"- seminary teacher, temple ordinance worker, my mission. 
I'd tell them that the church was the same everywhere, except for the SA program here in ID.  O gosh I had/have the list of beefs that everyone else is CLUELESS about.
I'd mention my marriage, that it was abusive on 4 different levels.  That I had to come here to heal among strangers.  

Can you feel the pride?  The enmity? So can they. 

I couldn't stop doing this.  It was like an addiction. I didn't know why, and then all of a sudden I realized it was an effort to build me up (or at least knock them down), to show value in my self.  Clearly I didn't have any.  A few weeks previous I remembered what I had learned about 10 years earlier- that men don't find angry and bitter women attractive and this time I learned that neither do women.  While doing my scripture study I did some foot note searches and found out of the blue scriptures that we don't really use for  the topic of pride.  It was good for me, but "the talk" still continued.

One night I couldn't sleep.  I was up crying and doing basically the same thing- reviewing the past.  How was I going to make it stop?  When it hit me- my word for the year- TURN!  Turn from the PAST to the FUTURE.  So... what of my future?

DRAMA THREE   I've been subbing and some days have been good.  The para-ed's have liked me and other's it's been.... I've been... "demanding" of kids that are lazy, not trying, stupid, etc and I have not treated them nicely.  Geese Becky,  didn't you learn your lesson in Gooding?  I mean  do your job and shut up!  Don't insult the kids!  Don't loose patience! And be nice- ya know- like Jesus would. I subbed in HS resource room, but I was also on NO meds. That combination = trouble. I don't have the kindness and patience and ability to make connections with those kids.  I see problems that need to be disciplined, not kids that need to be reached.

I can't be a teacher.  I don't have the patience.  You have to be SO on your toes ALL THE TIME- with class work, behavior, preparing for next day, next week, etc.  It's to much for my brain to handle.   One on one PSR is good.  I've thought about foster care for the money and helping too, but mostly the money.

My future.  What does it hold?  More schooling?  More low paying jobs with no benefits.  Maybe school and then perhaps another failure or another low paying job. What do I do?  The bishop mentioned 'career goals' in his last email to me.  Here's the deal- I don't have career goals.  I never have.  I had the get married and be a mommy career plans.  I kept waiting for that to happen and it never did. Now I'm 40.

I'm working 2 low paying jobs that in a month will go up to almost 15 an hour.  Subbing which is... random and only 65 a day.  And in the summer?  Then what?  I don't have unemployment till Aug 2013.  I need to find a better job.  I need a roommate.  So what did I do?  I filled out applications for low income housing.  I qualify.  I probably qualify for help with heating bills too and also Medicare or caide - what ever it is.  Aren't I just the college grad success story? 

What's fun is my sisters who are judgmental about Ruth and I. What would they be doing with no husband to buy them big homes and trips?  How would their self-esteem be?  Could they go to church every Sunday and feel equal?  Could they support themselves with a pre-school teachers income or what ever they went to school for?  NOPE, but they judge.

I'm judgmental about teachers in Gospel Doctrine.  I didn't participate too much in last weeks SA get together. I played games on my phone instead.  Then there's the SA progam here.... I don't even want to get into that.

The lady who I almost killed on the motorcycle is wanting 1 million dollars from me.  Will they go to mom? Only time will tell.  Mom can give them 1/4 of a million from insurance.

While at times there is a longing to be a super mom, to have a great marriage, mostly I see kids at HS kissing and I want to puke.  I don't like fat guys. I don't like being on top.  I don't the idea of being poor.  Sometimes I'm too bold, too blunt and almost crude at times- in my head mostly. I started a thread on BYU-Idaho Alumni page on FB and it caused some to not be happy.  While there is so much more I want to say to others, I filter.  Scott Mowrer would be proud- his and his million dollar traveling family now.  Ya'd think the rich could throw the poor a bone every once in a while. I love being left behind.

But I'm taking this Llama thing to a gripping session and that's not what I wanted to do.  So I end here.  It's too long.  Most won't read it and I don't have a big readership anyhow.  But it's out there.  Out there for someone to maybe respond.

On a positive note, I'm reading the scriptures every night from the original copy BOM look alike. 

Ode to the past.... and hope for the future

I woke up Saturday morning the 5th of January, knowing that Jason had moved on completely.

This one describes our marriage:   

Then I left and he kept trying for a year to get me back. This would be his song at that time:

This would describe my answer to that: 

This represents hope for the future:

The Snow in Idaho

 

Dec 2012 turned out to be a wintery month in Idaho.  The paw prints are on my front porch in Twin Falls before Christmas. 

My car at mom's in Meridian.  Just fluff- no scrapping. 

 

My favorite-icicles on my home in Twin Falls. 

 Jan 2013. 

 Icicles remind me of Minnesota- but they were MUCH bigger there. 

 

I love that there are icicles on this tree! 

Coco loves the snow.  He loves to play in it and the first thing he does when he goes out is eat it! 

This is a great tongue shot I got of him.
These were taken in Meridian  at my mom's.