Tuesday, July 12, 2011

What the books say about the BIG D!

I picked up a book entitled The Divorce Recovery Source-book.
Here are somethings that it said in just the first chapter.

Divorce is a savage emotional journey in which you ricochet between failure of the past and the uncertainty of the future, all the while struggling to understand what went wrong and to apportion blame.

Some experts believe that the emotional impact of divorce is greater than that of a spouse's death. Death is final, but divorce leaves people feeling not only with feelings of loss, but often hurt, resentment, jealousy, and blame as well. Widow's don't have to face the ambivalence and sense of failure brought about by divorce.

People who have enduring a divorce emphasize the importance of understanding the life will never be the same. Divorce is both the death of an old relationship and old dreams, and the beginning of a new life full of exhilarating possibilities. (or in my case, scary possibilities)

Psychologist note that a person facing a d always feels at some point like a failure. Not surprisingly , emotional turbulence and wild mood swings are normal during this time. Emotional turmoil, while fare from pleasant is normal and necessary and must be experienced in order to complete the psychological process of separation from the old life and former mate.

Starting over requires letting go of the past, a task which is both an art and a a skill. It goes not good to try to force painful feelings to go away. All professionally who work with those recovering from a D stress the importance of facing the lass and talking time ot feel and work through the grief.

Problems in their professional and financial lives are often rooted in what one counselor terms the "divorce hangover". she describes this state as a crippling condition characterized by persistent feelings of pain, anger, anxiety or depression, which keeps on from living fully in the present and moving forward into the future. D hangover is a network of strong emotions that keep you connected to your ex-spouse and stuck in the past. Hence the importance of achieving closure after a d.

Many who D feel uncertain about their very identities. People are not sure who or what they are once such a powerful role in life has been eliminated.

4 Emotions need to be worked on: Anger, sadness, fear, and sorrow.
When anger is suppressed, sadness can turn into self-pity leaving a person feeling victimized, guilty and stuck in the misery of the past. When anger takes over other feelings, it can be difficult to feel compassion toward others and grieve for your self. Once an angry person is able to face and feel her sadness, she can let go of anger and forgive. Psychologists stress, however that it is important for everyone to connect with and accept the anger that follows a divorce, since suppressed anger will surface eventually and often does so in destructive ways.

Emotional pain is a healer and a teacher that moves people to take action to make necessary change in their lives. Even those who are certain that the end of the marriage was a positive change often feel a great deal of misery and doubt. Many find it difficult to admit to and face feelings of sorrow. Denial is a common reaction to the anguish that persists after a dovorce. Men especially,may tend to suppress or try to minimize the pain of D, because males are trained in our society not to show, or even to allow themselves to feel emotions that indicated vulnerability. It is crucial to allow one's feeling to progress and to undergo the legitimate suffering that follows a painful, life changing even.

Suppressing negative emotions leads to numbness and the inability to full experience the positive feelings that make life rich and full.

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