Thursday, April 12, 2012

A Trial of Faith

You know that Preach My Gospel attribute questionnaire?  We'll I did it today and I only wanted to answer 15 of the 57 statements.  You rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 5 on faith, hope, charity and love, virtue, knowledge, patience, humility, diligence and obedience.  I've done it in RS a few times in the past and even at home and normally it's filled out completely, with mostly fours and fives.  1 means never and 5 means always. If you'd like to do it yourself click here, then go to page 126. 

I've had a difficult month the last four or so weeks.  I've cried most of the way home from work some days,  thinking that if the next 40 years is anything like the last (almost) 40 years then forget it.

I've had a few blessings from Mike my brother in law.  One said that my financial problems were a trial of my faith.  That surprised me when he said it.  The one he gave me most recently told me to fast, pray, attend the temple and most likely  read the scriptures.  Most of my endowed life I've gone to the temple every week or at least every 10 days.  But here, it's been only monthly or longer. I've made a concerted effort to increase in that.  I went Saturday and as the time was getting closer, I found myself not wanting to go.  I told Heavenly Father that I was going out of obedience and duty.  That's all he could expect from me that day.

In he temple as soon as the lights went off I broke into tears. Then when it was over and we were all to head to the veil, I broke down again.  I was in the last row this time so lots of time to wait.   It was serious crying and one sister sitting next to me grabbed me including my face and held me to her.  She just let me cry.  The sister on the other side put her hand on my arm and cried with me.   It was just what I needed.  None of them asked me in the Celestial Room what was wrong, they just said they hopped it got better.  Other women gave me hugs  and said they were praying for me.

The beginning of this week, when my pay check was SO low, due to a week of spring break I was looking at my bank account and when I was almost done, the pains in my chest started again. There was a direct correlation for the first time.  It was due to stress.

The single adult scene is so stupid here.  There has been some very high school stuff going on with people in their 30's and 40's.   I realized that If I ever want that to improve  my social life I'll have to move to another area where it has a higher population.  But then I also realized that if I won't be getting married it doesn't matter where I live. The problem is I have no definitive answer, no pre-knowledge.  In my logical moments, when I'm not crying  I think that I need to find something to bring me happiness if not. But in my tears I think who cares.  I can just be a social recluse and hibernate in my home.

Today I got this terrible hair cut for 11 dollars at Great Cuts- you know that cheep place they don't even wash your hair, just spray it down with a water bottle.   I just feel like I'll never be pretty again and why even try.  Things don't look good from any angel (as explained above). 

I'm still angry at Jason and the Twitchell's for how STUPID they have all been. I'm in this butt load of crap and Jason just leaves every marriage with nothing and starts over again, not having to pay any one anything. I can try and get a lawyer and garnish his wages or unemployment.  Other than that I can do NOTHING but sit here and suffer and keep going on because what else am I going to do.

Why did Heavenly Father give me this life.  I know I screwed up by getting sexually involved with Jason and then marrying him, but before.... As my counselor (named Jason) told me with my years of  singleness, loneliness it's almost like I had to.  But the 20 years before all this.  Those disabilities haven't helped either. And they were disabling.  

The other thing is that I don't enjoy my job.  I get involved with the kids in the classroom that I'm not suppose to and then I get SO frustrated  with them for being SO STUPID, SO DISOBEDIENT.  I just want to spank them, to hit them on the head with an empty water bottle.  I want to tell them they they will be lucky if they aren't pregnant by the time they are 13, or that they most likely  will be gay, or that they have learning disabilities, or squeeze their cheeks and tell them everything I think of them, or that they wear their closes so low I can see their butt crack every day or where that style came from and what it means to be on the "down low". But I don't, because I know I can't, that it's wrong and that I'd loose my job.   But do you see what a bad state I'm in?  I don't feel this way all the time, but sometimes, like today, I even cried about it at recess when no one could see me.

So the list of things that are bad, go to my looks, my health, my job, my lack of a support system, etc. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.  It may take 9 years to get out of debt completely. NINE YEARS!  

How does one go to school to change their career when one can't afford to pay her bills? I don't even know what I should do- that is feasible in the beginning and in the end.

I just don't have the motivation for exercise.

I'm teaching the 16 year old's in Sunday School, and I've taught a few FHE lessons that were stimulating (compared to others).  

Some day I suppose this will all get better and I'll actually like myself and my life and I will be able to answer all the 57 attributes with 4's and 5's,  but for now I just try to keep my head out of water.

1 comment:

beckyc said...

I can so relate to so many of the things you wrote. I've also cried through an entire temple session and have often cried on my drive home from work. You are not alone in your struggles. I heard this quote recently that I'd like to share, "Joy is not the absence of trials, but the presence of Christ"
I've been asked to give the lesson for our 'Women in the Scriptures' class next week on Sarah and Hagar and so I've been reading about Hagar. When she is visited by an angel after running away into the wilderness, she testifies that God lives and that He sees her (I interpret 'sees her' as loves her and is aware of her struggles) Hagar had just been a real jerk to Sarah, but God still loved her and wanted to help her. We all make mistakes, but God still loves us and will be there to help us get through this 'wilderness'.