The message of marriage seems to be everywhere. The first 2 weeks at my new ward is was talked about, the first in sacrament mtg, the second in RS. When I have down time I often read conference talks from past years on my phone. I read one a few days ago about anger that had marriage in it. I was blog looking today and found some new blogs and many of them were about marriage, families, scriptures, etc. They often quoted one of Julie B. Beck's really great talks. It just seems to be in the air and here I am leaving a marriage (to a man who wants me) that I yearned and prayed for for so long.
In my bitter single years I had this "sick irony" list. Here's a few of them:
- Sarah was afraid to hold babies, now she has 5! I couldn't get enough of babysitting and I have none.
- I collected papers on how to decorate a home, collected item to decorate a home. I don't have my own home. Janea would wonder why I would collect something like that while we were in college and she has called asking for help with that.
- I majored in Family and Human Development and I have never developed one.
Where is the Jeff Thompson in my life to give me a prophetic blessing to let me know I have a future, if I'm doing the right thing, what I should do now, etc?
I've felt like I have a big D on my forehead. My friend Jeannie felt that way too and it's helpful to know I'm not the only one.
While I would like to be married, like to not be single, like to not be divorced at this time I cannot. It's hard because Jason really wants us to make it. I've been tempted to go back, just for him. But that is not a good enough reason. 4 people have told me that and I believe it. I would resent him. I would be tempted to leave again. I'm sure there would be this need for both of us to do everything right so as not to upset the other person. It hurts my heart that I'm hurting him like this. He wants t his so badly and he has righteous desires, but there are many reasons why it's just not right. I have to be true to myself. If I'm not true to myself, I cannot be true to anyone else. I wish I could spill my guts about why, but that would not be nice to him.
I'm still a firm believer in the family. I have a sign in my home that says "families are forever", I have the proclamation on the family framed. I would like to be a wife and mother, but with the right person. Yes, that means I made a mistake. I got married for the wrong reasons to the wrong person. While I almost did that in 1999, I really did in 2009. I sure hope I've learned enough lessons to not make the same mistake 3 times. I have all the right knowledge, the right goals, but my hormones have got in the way. Courtship takes time- at least it should.
So, I go on, trying to make it in Idaho, not knowing what the future holds for me in the way of, well... everything: career, friends, healing, moving on, dating, marriage, children. I do the best I can and let the Great Creator do the rest. If he can administer comfort to Adam, he can administer it unto me. D&C 107: 55 I put a sign by my door on a sticky note that says; I will get through this! I hope I will. I hope I will find happiness again and feel that comfort that I'm so looking for. Some day. I'll let you know when that happens.