Sunday, March 1, 2009

Thankful, yet wanting more

I've had many moments the last 2 weeks or so where I felt thankful. I don't consider my self a thankful person. I used to say "there's always more to be had!" That was when I felt denied, forgotten and left a lone to do life on my own, with none of the blessings other people obtained so easily, one of which was happiness. Elder Walker our Area Authority shared with the single adults, the principle of seeing loss instead of gain through the story of the rich man who would not give up the riches of this life for the riches of eternity. (Matt 19:16-22) In the past I mostly always saw loss.

Do I now see gain? Yes. The gain of more time in the scriptures, more time to myself, more time to travel, more time to..... I guess the key word seems to be time. But, as I was saying, I've been thankful. Thankful for not marrying the wrong person, for not being divorced, for not being a single parent, for not having addictions (except for food). Thankful for the gospel that has kept me from so many bad things the world offers, which means I am thankful for commandments. Thankful for my testimony that gets me through, thankful for my desire to be righteous and keep the commandments, thankful for a temple SO close, thankful for a plan from Heavenly Father with promises that I know will happen, will take place weather in this life or the next, thankful that I don't worry about it like I used to, thankful that I know my faith in these things will grow. I'm counting on my Heavenly Father to take care of me temporarily as well as spiritually for my whole life weather I'm married or single, but especially if I'm single.

But, maybe because my mom is gone and there hasn't been very many conversations, or because I've slacked in my scripture reading the last few days, I feel the fullness of thankfulness start to evaporate and my need and want start to swirl the waters some. What do I want?

I want: More friends with a greater closeness that fills the thankfulness jar to overflowing. Friends that I can share more with, poor out my heart to again and again, even if it's the same thing over and over again. More closeness so I feel more love. Isn't that what it's really all about anyway? Love. It's about love. Life is about love. If you can't love or be loved your worthless, and isn't it wonderful to know we are all capable of love because God is love (1 John 4:8) and we are his children and we inherited that from him.

I worry some times and that too shakes the thankful jar and makes the need jar grow. When I don't have a job (thankfully I do) I worry about taking care of myself for forever. Interestingly enough, now that I see gain more than I see loss, I worry when there is a man. When there is not a man, I trust, I wait patiently on the Lord, I wave my hand in a push off to those who would try to set me up or point someone out. But when there is a man, I worry. I feel like I don't have any control. The man has the control. I think about him daily. I have conversations in my head with him daily and then, when I do see him, I act funny. I feel this way, because it's like he has my life in his hands, my happiness in his hands (2 nephi 4:34) and when it doesn't happen-- I panic!

I did this last year at this time. There was a man in my life for a short while and when he left, I panicked. He came out of the wood work after 8 years of nothing. He only had 1 of the 3 biggies, but he had 3 wonderful daughters with no mother at all in the picture. I so wanted to jump into that spot. He just needed to get a job and get to church with a much stronger testimony and understanding of the gospel. (the other 2 biggies) He had the amazing father stuff down! But I digress....

I learned a lot last year and when I start to feel that worry, that someone else besides myself and Heavenly Father holds the power of my happiness, I pray. I pray to not panic, I pray to put things in perspective, I pray to trust and I pray to be filled with more love for myself from the spirit. I think that is the way to get back to thankful.


Christy Jones said...

Becky, I sometimes think we all want something more. I feel for you not having what you want most! I do trust though that you will have it one day.

Shane & Amy said...

What a neat way to write! I really enjoyed reading your blog. Making me think and be more thankful for what I have and putting into perspective, what it is that I want more of. How lucky and blessed we are as members of the church to have the knowledge that what we have is enough. How can we get more when we sometimes struggle to appreciate what we have. You're in my prayers

Josh and Stacy said...

Holy Cow! I am so glad to have your blog!