Bearing Burdens
Through Validation and Empathy
As a single member of
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints who has no
children and works in a helping profession, I’m often shocked
when members don’t know how to effectively help with my pain. I
often ask myself, “Don’t they know how to use validation and
empathy?” I’ve concluded sadly that sometimes the answer
is, No!
We covenanted to bear each
other’s burdens at baptism.1 Through
our assignments and callings we are
also sheep and shepherds. The Shepherd knows his sheep!2 Elder
L. Whitney Clayton has said, “Life
presses all kinds of burdens on each of us, some light, but others
relentless and heavy. People struggle every day under burdens that tax their
souls. Many of us struggle under
such burdens. They can be emotionally
or physically ponderous. They can be worrisome, oppressive, and
exhausting. And they can continue for years.”3
I believe it is wise to know
how to gracefully handle others’ trials, challenges and
burdens. It has been said, “Duty makes us do things well, but love
makes us do things beautifully.” Our goal is to try and see with a
spiritual perspective. As a single, adult sister whose burden
has lasted for decades, I have been frustrated as ward
members, and some in leadership
roles, have seemingly dismissed my pain. While their intentions
were to help, they caused more heartache and
I’ve sometimes concluded I could not go again to them for
comfort.
One Sunday I sat
in class crying; I was so upset I left the room.
A sister came out to find me and after telling her my woes,
she responded, “Everyone has problems.” While this statement is
true, it felt dismissive of my feelings. One would
never say to someone with cancer, “Lots of people have
cancer.” Another unhelpful question was, “Is the glass half
full or half empty?” What I was looking for was someone who
would listen and care. They did not “cheer up the sad and make me feel
glad.”4
I
have tried to get my pain across to a priesthood
leader and all he could say was “There are worse things than being
single. Just keep reading your scriptures and going to church.”
Yes, there are worse things, but for me this is my Abrahamic trial: I
have been reading my scriptures consistently since I was 16 and have
always been faithful in my church attendance. Those
suggestions did not help me. What I wanted to hear
was, “I know this is hard for you. I know you wanted this badly.
Things are hard right now, but slowly it will get better. You know
how to make that happen. I have faith in you and we will be there
for you.”
It’s hard for
the hurting person to take the time to articulate the magnitude of the loss and
longing. It’s also challenging for the receiver to just listen
without interrupting and without finding simple solutions. When a
hurting person is not heard, it is easy to feel like a lost sheep no
one knows how to rescue. The lost sheep may get louder, hoping
someone will hear, or it may give up and be silent. Sometimes I’ve
felt that I must go through this trial on my own.
At BYU Women’s Conference Sharon Eubank,
First Counselor in the Relief Society General Presidency, talked about how
Relief Society healed her of the heavy grief of being single and childless
because the sisters “acknowledged emotionally” that she was still a
creator.5 They
validated her feelings and worth.
Validation should be
employed at first contact. We all have people who we go
to when we have struggles. For me those people are the ones who know how
to validate, and never dismiss or demean me. Validation
means substantiating, confirming, or giving
legal force to a concern. Having someone
confirm that your pain is real can
be liberating. Validation gives a clear message
that you are heard, seen, and cared about: it puts the hurting
person at ease, feeling they are in safe hands, and it shows
compassion.
Here are
some examples of validating statements:
– That must have made you feel angry.
– What a frustrating situation!
– It must hurt to have someone do that.
– That’s so difficult for you.
– Wow, how hard that must be.
– Yeah, I can see how that might make you feel sad.
– What a horrible feeling.
– That must be really discouraging.
– I bet you feel disappointed.
– I know how much that meant to you.
– That’s so painful for you.
– That must have made you feel angry.
– What a frustrating situation!
– It must hurt to have someone do that.
– That’s so difficult for you.
– Wow, how hard that must be.
– Yeah, I can see how that might make you feel sad.
– What a horrible feeling.
– That must be really discouraging.
– I bet you feel disappointed.
– I know how much that meant to you.
– That’s so painful for you.
– That
is hard! I’m so sorry!
– I can’t image! You
are such a good person!
– How are you
handling this? Do you have someone to talk to?
– That doesn’t seem
fair.
If you want a validating statement to feel “true” make it
about the truth of the situation for the other person. The truth is the
way they feel about the event rather than the way
you think or feel about the event.
The
following is a list of examples that do not validate.
– Make
it about you. “When that happened to me...”
– Try to one-up the person. “Oh, you think you have it bad...”
– Tell them how they should feel. “You should feel blessed.”
– Tell them what to do. “What you really should do…”
– Try to solve their problem. “I’m going to call that girl’s parents…”
– Cheerlead (there is a time for this, but not now). “I know you can do it…”
– Make “life” statements. “Well, life’s not fair…”
– Make judgmental statements. “What you did was wrong…”
– Make “revisionist” statements. “If you had only…”
– Make it about your feelings. “How do you think that makes me feel?”
– Make “character” statements. “You’re too sensitive…”
– Rationalize another person’s behavior. “I bet they were just…”
– Call names. “You’re such a baby.”
– Correct the “facts.” “That’s not what happened…”
– Use “always” or “never” statements. “You always get yourself into these situations…”
– Compare the person to someone else. “Why can’t you be like your sister?”
– Label the person. “You’re nuts.”
– Advising to cut ties or ignore the situation. “Just ignore him.”6
– Try to one-up the person. “Oh, you think you have it bad...”
– Tell them how they should feel. “You should feel blessed.”
– Tell them what to do. “What you really should do…”
– Try to solve their problem. “I’m going to call that girl’s parents…”
– Cheerlead (there is a time for this, but not now). “I know you can do it…”
– Make “life” statements. “Well, life’s not fair…”
– Make judgmental statements. “What you did was wrong…”
– Make “revisionist” statements. “If you had only…”
– Make it about your feelings. “How do you think that makes me feel?”
– Make “character” statements. “You’re too sensitive…”
– Rationalize another person’s behavior. “I bet they were just…”
– Call names. “You’re such a baby.”
– Correct the “facts.” “That’s not what happened…”
– Use “always” or “never” statements. “You always get yourself into these situations…”
– Compare the person to someone else. “Why can’t you be like your sister?”
– Label the person. “You’re nuts.”
– Advising to cut ties or ignore the situation. “Just ignore him.”6
The focus
should be about feelings, not the situation. To address
feelings, it is useful to use emotional language, not rational or
judgmental language - and you need to be sincere about what
you are saying.
After validation
comes empathy. Empathy comes easy to some, perhaps as
a spiritual gift, but the skill can be
learned. Do not mistake empathy with sympathy. Empathy
is the psychological identification with or vicarious experiences of
the feelings, thoughts or attitudes of another. The Savior is the perfect
example of empathy. Sympathy is
simpler and less effective in helping others. It includes
impulses of compassion but one does not need to “walk in their shoes” to
understand.
An excellent
article about anxiety, in the March 2017 Ensign, included a
list of what to say and not to say to those who suffer. These tips
and hints are useful for all kinds of troubles when dealing with others.
My favorite is what it says about empathy, “Be
genuine. Listen in order to understand their feelings, appreciate why they
struggle, and communicate what you understand. Empathy is the most effective
quality of counseling.”
Even animals have
empathy. Perhaps you’ve had a pet that knows when you are sad or sick and
will stay by your side? There is a video of elephants at a
zoo showing empathy. A baby elephant is stuck in a small
ravine with water and is trying to get out. It tries
three times, nearly making it each time, but cannot seem to do it
on its own. A bigger elephant moves closer to the scene and
stands there for a few seconds watching. This is sympathy. Then the
bigger elephant gets down in the ravine and somehow gets the smaller
elephant up and out of the situation. This is empathy. This
elephant got it. As Linda K. Burton taught in October conference of
2012, He observed and then he served.
I have people in my
life who ‘stand by’ but have not been in the trenches with me.
While they are there, I sometimes feel they
are only humoring me. I do not want to do
life alone. I would like emotional support. Sympathy is a
pat on the back, while empathy is a long warm embrace. As someone who
is touch deprived, I long for these embraces.
While it
has been over twenty years since my college days, my roommates are still some
of my best confidants. No matter how long it has been since we
spoke, visited in person, how many children they have, or the difficulty
of their own challenges, they are willing to listen. They share their
own trials of parenting but never paint the picture that I have it
easier. They validate well and show empathy. I know they love me.
They have never dismissed my trial. One friend is still praying for
me. Their empathy fuels the flame of connection that has lasted over the
many years and thousands of miles.
Theresa Wiseman, a nurse researcher
has learned that empathy has four parts.
1.
Perspective taking, recognizing the
other’s feelings as their truth.
2.
Staying out of judgment.
3.
Recognizing the emotion.
4.
Communicating that emotion.7
Theresa has identified what my college
roommates do. When trying to help, counsel, and shepherd we
should connect with something in ourselves that understands that
feeling. Maybe you don’t have that person’s trial, but perhaps
another situation in your life might have caused you the same emotion. That
is bearing each other’s burdens. While I’ve never been pregnant, I have
felt loss for a miscarriage, a stillborn birth or the death of a
child. I have wept with a sister as she shared with me the early
arrival and death of her last child. These, and other
situations, are human experiences. Please imagine that it is
you in the trial and then you will be able to help. Elder Clayton
tells us, “Those
who offer such assistance to others stand on holy ground. In explaining this,
the Savior taught:
“When saw we thee an hungered, and fed
thee? or thirsty, and gave thee drink?
“When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee
in? or naked, and clothed thee?
“Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison,
and came unto thee?
“And the King shall answer and say unto
them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it
unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.”8
Joseph B. Wirthlin taught, “as we bear one another’s burdens, we fulfill
the law of Christ.9 It is my hope
that as members of the true church we will know how to succor the weak,
lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees, like the
Savior, who knows how to succor them according
to their infirmities.”10
I’m thankful for people who, although
they are not single and childless, “Get it!” It is my hope that all
of us will “get” whatever trial our friends, family, and ward members are
facing. When we do, and as we validate and empathize, we
can better help them get through their everyday
challenges and trials.
1 Mosiah 18:8
2 John 10:14
3 “That
Your Burdens May Be Light,” L. Whitney Clayton, General Conference Oct 2009
4 Hymn #
223 Have I Done Any Good?
6 When
Hope is Not Enough, by Bon Dobbs, pg. 103-104
7 Theresa Wisemans, A Concept
Analyst of Empathy, Journal
of Advanced Nursing 23(6):1162 -
1167 · June 1996
8 Elder L. Whitney Clayton, That
their Burden’s Maybe Light, Oct 2011
9 Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, The
great commandment Nov 2007 and Gal 6:2
10 D&C 81:5 and Alma
7:12 Emphasis is my own.
