from my stake's blog: a post about me.

Courage.  What is it and how do we get it?  I believe we get it from doing. From going forward when you really want to give up.

My name is Becky.  I’m 42, unmarried with no children.  I was raised in a family of 7 kids where all 6 of my siblings have anywhere from 3 to 6 kids.  I have dogs instead.  Actually, yesterday (august 23rd)  I acted in courage by myself with no support and had one of my dogs put down.  He was old and very sick.  So now I’m just a one-dog dog owner.   Hard at the time, but as the days pass, it will just be a memory of a few minutes.  What is hard is keeping going on alone.

My family of origin is unique.  My parents are 17 years apart.  Mom married the first guy who kissed her at age 21.  Dad was 39.   He fasted from food for 2 weeks only drinking water to petition the Lord for a wife and family.  He got it.  I once tried fasting for 2.5 days and had dysentery!   He had five kids close together and then due to a cord wrapped around baby number 5, they quit multiplying and replenishing for 9 years until Joseph Fielding Smith said in Priesthood Session at General Conference “don’t block up the well springs of life”.  Dad was a follow the prophet kind of guy, so as I like to say came home and had a “talk” with Mom and 15 months later I was born. Dad was 55 when I was born. Not wanting me to be an only child of sorts they had my sister 18 months later.   Due to the age difference in siblings, I became an aunt at the age of 7.  By 5th grade literally ½ of my siblings were married.    I lived and breathed marriage and family.  As a youth I babysat my life away.  I had permanent jobs every Friday night for 3 years.  I was the best known babysitter in the ward.  One year I made 2 thousand dollars just babysitting. I preferred playing mom over going to Youth Dances. Family was all I wanted and all I planned for.  I figured I’d do what the rest of my siblings did- go to Ricks College, then BYU and then get married. I did go to Ricks,  I went on a mission and then to USU instead.  I did have one sister who didn’t marry till she was 32 and I watched as she cried and was lonely and had nothing like the others did.

Those 2 examples, my dad and my sister engrained in me that singleness was not desirable.  Happiness came from family life and in 1995 “The Family:  A Proclamation to the World” confirmed that.   At the age of 36 I had the opportunity to marry.  I took it even though there were improper actions and loud and clear red flags with this man.  He was not what I wanted, but I thought he could become that.  At 3 weeks of marriage I knew it wasn’t going to last and that I would eventually need to get out.  It was abusive in many ways.  I stayed for 17 months.  When my mom decided to leave the state I left with her.  In doing that I knew that I might never marry again, but instead be single and lonely.

It’s been 3 years now and I’ve been fired from four jobs (probably PSTD) and only been asked out from men who are undesirable.  If I pursued them I would be making a mistake again.  It infuriates me that there are men that find me desirable, but that do nothing for me.  The good men are taken.

So here I am in an LDS community and family where marriage and family life is it and I have not.  I’ve gone through the ringer of emotions through the last 20 years of anger, bitterness and yes at times even happiness.  I’ve traveled too, taking the opportunities when they presented themselves.  Now however I live in low income housing and travel is not feasible.  I deal with anger every day.  It’s a problem.  I’m angry at family members, at my ex and those involved in the relationship, I’m angry that girls camp in Idaho stinks compared to girls camp in Washington, I’m angry that mothers with 3 kids are still germaphobes,  I’m angry that I live in the 2nd largest LDS populated state and the single adult program in Twin Falls Idaho is only a soup kitchen for senior citizens. The list could go on.  Oh yes I’m angry!   I suppose I’m mostly angry at God for handing me this life.  I signed up for this?

At 17 I received my patriarchal blessing.  I was terrified that it would say I wouldn’t get married.  I fasted for that specifically.  It talks about a “young man coming into my life” and me being a “true mother in Israel.”    No such thing has happened.    I’ve wanted to give up.  I’ve wanted to quite going to church, to give up studying my scriptures, to stop being serviceable,(after all I have nothing and I sure wish someone would serve me!)

But I continue to do what is right.   I have a testimony.  The Book of Mormon is true and we have a living prophet on the earth.  I get up and go to church every Sunday and come home glad I did, even though I go out of duty. I teach primary,  I go to girls camp, I attend the temple, even doing sealings .  I call the last the ”slit your wrist activity’.  I can get sealed for dead people, but not myself?  Have I thought of suicide?  Sure.  But I’m chicken, I don’t have the courage for that thank goodness,  and I know it would be worse than if I stayed.  So I stay and deal with the life I wish I could give starving kids in Africa.  They would LOVE my life!

I’m happy for friends who have great families, I really am.  I tell them how blessed they are as I walk around with this feeling of emptiness and nothingness of my own life.   I’m afraid I’ll be single the rest of my 40 to 50 plus years.  I’m afraid I’ll be poor and no one will take care of me in my old age and no one but ward members will come to my funeral even though I have 26 nieces and nephews and  almost 16 great nieces and nephews.  Yes, I come from a big family, but they have their trials, challenges and woes.  Most likely I’m not even in the top 5 things to worry about.

So every week I go to church alone and sit with families and serve while most don’t know the whole me or what I went through that week.  I go to family get togethers and am happy to see people, to actually have a family for a short while.   I go to work even though I never wanted a career and it doesn’t fill my bucket.  I do everything I do, because what else am I suppose to do?  Quit?  Give up?  Not an option.  I guess that is courage.  I don’t feel courageous, but I get up and do it every day even though I just want to stay in bed.

I tell myself it could be worse and I realize that others reading this have had worse.  They have lost children or spouses to death, they have dealt with cancer or other terminal or permanent illnesses.  There is a list that is very long of things worse than being single but for me this is my Abrahamic trial.

Right now I’m praying for the anger to go away.  I’m submissive to this will Heavenly Father wants for me, but most times I’m not happy about it.

The key to courage?  Just keep on keeping on.  I hold to the iron rod to that great reward in Heaven.

• Doctrine and Covenants 128:22

…..shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory! Let your hearts rejoice, and be exceedingly glad….

Contrite or Fight: a poem.

I am not contrite, I fight
The Plan the Lord has for me.
Kindness, Mercy, Justice I seek,
but it all by-passes me.

My fruit is weak, my crown is small
but bigger it would be if I could just
humble myself happily to Thee.

I fight his will, I want my way,
It's righteous desires I seek.
But I must wait and wait and wait
and be like Abraham meek.

I have not seen the Lord as he,
I do not talk face to face,
But I too know the plan is real
and eternal life comforts me

Priesthood hands have blessed my life,
I have believed them true,
But nothing matches up you see,
A mother I will probably not be.

But can I turn away the God
who lends my breathe to me?
who died for me that I might
with my forever family be.

He forgives my sins, he comforts me
with the gospel truth restored
Through scriptures that I can read
and choose to trust or run away.

Is my plan a plan of hope,
or just sick ironies?
Although I do not fit the mold,
I know He still loves me.

- By Becky L. Rose
Sept 7th 2014.

So Wounded, So Hurt!

On Sunday the Bishop who has been great up until NOW, humiliated me in front of the whole Ward Council.  It's been 4 days since it's happened and I continue to wake up to the feeling of intense anger and I yell- at him although I know no one is there. I yell out of self-defense and self preservation.  I really can't tell you how wounded I am.  I did not warrant what I got.  

I was told by the Stake Presidency member and the HC that I should be at the ward council meeting.  I was in Bellevue before I got married.  I tell this to the bishop and he said he's going to check.  Message is -i don't believe you.   I  never hear anything back but  my HT is in the Bishopric so I talk to him, he said they had been talking about it, so yes come in.   When it gets to the SA on the list I start.  I tell them my EXPERIENCES:

1. There was nothing here in the TF stake. 
2. I went to the stake president- He acknowledged they didn't know how to do it well, he was glad I came. 
3. For some reason the SA program here gathers the senior citiizens- I've had 2 dates with them, one that pooped on my bathroom floor.
4. I also mention that most likely they have not been in a council with a SA rep, but that it happens all over the place.
5.  I tell them about what we are trying to do.- Activities every month.  The day previous was an activity  our ward  was the only one that came through.  
6. There are 66 SA in our wards.  I need to know who is dead, moved, married, a do not contact, etc.
7. Activity announcements need to be made in RS and Priesthood. 
8. I also mention that MANY SA are not asked to speak like the married people are.  I mention this to point out the incongrucency and the fact that it is being a respector of persons. 

Here is where the crap comes in.
The bishop gets out the handbook, reads the paragraph that does not mention my calling at all.  I'm shocked.  He also mentions him talking to the stk pres who says if he feels like we need it, I can come.  A clear statement from Bishop- "If I'm invited."  Then he mentions the meeting with Elder Holland and some other big wig, who mentions that a YSA  girl hates the word young in there and that they are adults and want to be treated as such.  The way the bishop said this was like it was a REVELATION. Daaa!  They are adults, but the church cannot get rid of the word young.  Have the girl grow up or get married. One cannot get rid of that word. For the last decade there have been "mid-singles" focus in areas around the country.  You cannot name every one 18 to dead with the same name. That's kaos. I mention the books dad had read, that he shared with me about in the 1960's a women being so glad they changed it from ALL 18 to dead to 18 to 31 and then 31 to dead.  It's taken another 50 years to make another change.

Bishop yells at me for #8, insists the SA program is the same (something he knows NOTHING about) where ever you go.  Then tells me that we need the spirit here. I will speak when I am asked to!!!!!  He was red in the face, looking directly at me and everyone else was dead silent saying nothing- except for one stupid male.  

The stupid male says that were all going to be single some day.
So what's his point?  He's not single NOW!

• Does he know what it's like to leave a highly LDS populated college with out a ring on?

• Does he know what it's like leave a YSA ward having "graduated with out honors" and go to a family ward knowing that your changes of marriage just decreased a BUNCH!

• Does he know what's it like to know at new years eve that it's another year of unfulfilled dreams and unanswered prayers.

• Does he know what it's like to go to every family reunion with out a spouse and kids? 

• Does he know what it's like to go to baby showers and only have someone else experiences to share- and the same goes for every lesson at church on marriage and family?

• Does he know the fear of being alone your whole life and that when you do get to old to take care of yourself there will be no kids or grand kids to help or plan or even go to the funeral?  

• Does he know what it's like to not be picked, year after year, after year and wonder WHY?  Are you ugly?  Are you..... (you fill in the blank) . WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?  It falls into everyone's lap!  Why not yours?

• Does he know what's it like to know that all months the good eggs are gone and that all the bleeding and cramps have been in vain.

• How about Valentines Day?  How about when you come home so tired you don't want to cook or do anything, but you have to because there is only one of you. 

• Does he know how to do this all and more for 20 years and still maintain a self-esteem?  

THE LIST COULD GO ON and ON and ON and ON.   The answer each time would be NO!

Bottom line is he mocked my pain!  His experience will never compair to mine, not just because he's not a woman, but because he has a temple marriage and he has children.  If his wife were to die tomorrow he still has an eternal marriage and children to take care of and that will take care of him. 

Then there's the bishop- the man who's been "investing in me" for over a year by having the church pay for counseling.  The man who knows I was in a emotionally, sexually, physically and financially abusive marriage with the frosting being CONTROL and I'm trying to rebuild my life and who I am - AMONG STRANGERS in a FARMING COMMUNITY which is a COMPLETE 180 from where I left.  The man who knows all this but picked up HUGE BOULDERS and THREW  them at my GLASS CASTLE  - IN FRONT of 10 PEOPLE, who will then go home and tell their spouses and most likely others. I am the only one in that room who knows what's it's like to be single with no spouse for 17 years and then to be divorced!  THE ONLY ONE! 

I refussed to be treated like that.

Then he tries to appologize, takes me into his room and asks me how I feel about the savior?  REALLY? REALLY?  What does that have to do with ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED?  NOTHING!   (I'm not the only one who thinks so too)   Can we please get real!

I can't sit down., I'm pacing and he's asking me about the Savior?  Is this to deflect what he did? To put the blame on me????  Or something Elder Holland told him to do?  I've had no time to process anything.  No time to realize that he negated my feelings, experiences, knowledge and facts.  Completely negated them. So- what of my value?  Clearily the message is NONE!!   I of course CAN'T TAKE IT. I do not go into chapel, but I stay on the couch in the foyer where a women named Wendy who has been to my home and was in the stake RS presidency finds me and then finds Terry Miller the HC.  They take me into the other wards clerks office and I scream and cry and am just beside myself.  They want to give me a blessing, but they can't for a while because I can't calm down. Terry says I shouldn't worry about what others think of me.  That's easy when one has someone to go home to that valadates your existence.  Who tells you they love you regularily and oh so much more.  Maybe your fabulous at your job or with something, anything that makes you feel like your life is worth the effort, but I have none of those things or anything like unto it. Not even close.  Wendy tells me he is a man and doesn't get women's needs.

I go to the SA meetings and suffer through and leave early, because I can't sit there in what is suppose to be a committee, not a dictatorship.  I realize that they cannot think out of there Idaho box and everything they do will be a 10 to them, but a 5 for me.  So I let go of expectations and choose to not go anymore. Tell me what to do and I'll do it, but I will not sit there and ...... want to throw up.

In Utah I'd be a number, lost in the crowd.  In Twin Falls  it's stupidvill.  In WA it's the same old, same old. So where do I go?  Does it even matter?

When you're raised in my family where there is no plan B or G, or M, etc,  you are waiting for the real thing to come and when it doesn't- you are screwed- emotionally and financially, etc.   So happy life for me.  I'll just keep make believing stories in my head, giving talks in my head where I am great, because that is the only place I get if from and my brain does not know the difference between reality and lies.

Ya, my family knows all about the SA program!  3 ways in 2 ways out.  2 ways out:  death or matramony.
3 ways  in- spouse die, divorce, or never married.  Up until my stupid marraige we had all 3 and I joked with mom about going to  dances...  now it's 3 generations- mom, me and Ruth and now nephew David.

3 little words

No, the three little words are not "I love you."

The three little words are "I hate men."

I've been saying it nearly every day for more than a decade.  It's learned behavior.

It's not what you think.  It's not just about Jason, although I still said those words while being married- really bad sign huh?

I know a lot of good, amazing men.  Some of them are family members, some in bishopric's and stake presidencies and they are all married!  The good ones are mostly taken.

If I know some good ones, why do I hate them?

I've come to know that is means a variety of things.

1.  I hate that I didn't get married young to a man and have the life I wanted. It seems to fall into everyone's lap so easily. 
2. I hate the situation I'm in and wouldn't have to be in if I was happily married.
3. I hate that the right man is not right here fixing this mess I'm in.

It was a man that got me in this mess in the first place.  

Trial of Faith (take 2)

FYI:  Jason called me yesterday at 7am on my way to the new job.  He still does not have a job.  It's been SO hot in St. Louis (106 degrees) that they won't let the  brick masons work, hence no money.  I've been praying that friends and family get jobs.  I need to add him to the list.  He also wanted to know about my dating life.  Nope,  not gonna tell him about that and I don't want to hear about his dating life either.  I will discuss money and inquire about the welfare of family (and he can too), but that is it.  The whole things was a little shocking really, but it takes away one of those anniversaries (see post below) which is fine and good and as it should be.

In other news:  

So, a few weeks ago, I was hired by a different company that does the same work as I've been doing only in Twin Falls, which means A LOT less driving and also pays two dollars an hour more. A savings and a gain. But as I went to trainings, I kept walking away thinking and verbalizing to others "What have I done?"  This company is annal, micromanages and honestly treats it's employee's like children.  During the interveiw I was asked what my current company would say about me.  Luckily I had a good Jan-May.  Oct to Dec was not good and I was honest about my falling asleep at work.  They valued my honesty.  

I head to the first day of my job mostly to observe. I saw their summer programs which are located in 3 portables.  I see the HS program, the elementary program, and the middle school program.  During the middle school program they put a movie in, turned off the lights and I fell asleep(I did this in a theater too).  The head person there, takes a picture of me and sends it to the boss.  Strike 1.  At the end of the day, I speak with my trainer and complain a little about all the extra things that this company requires and is annal about that I know that all other companies in the area do not do.  The next day I show up on time and in 15 minutes am back home with a check to put in the bank.  Yep I was fired.   I didn't protest, but said OK, took the check and left. Was I sad?  Yes, oh yes.  Did I realize what I had done?  Yes.  Oh, my life would of been so much better off financially and I could of taken months of my get out of debt plan.

The next day I called my old boss, I had not completely left the company, so asked if I could be full time again.  I learned Friday evening at 5 just as I was about to leave for a 5 day weekend at mom's that yes, there was a job for me- in Gooding,  a  45 minute drive from Twin and it was with a difficult 16 year old girl.  I was NOT happy because of that, but also because school had already started, so I would need to be back to work on Monday. Bye bye vacation!

I immediately enter depressed, distraught, anger, faithless mode.  How could heavenly Father do this to me, I thought. Nothing is matching up- the dichotomy of my patriarchal blessing and my life is a 180.   How much does He expect me to go through?  I realize I did this to myself.  I can't take much more and really need to be thrown a bone.

I was back at that place where I had been earlier in my life, where I wanted to throw rocks at God.  Ridiculous visual, huh?  Paleeeeese!  I did not think him keeping me single was kind, merciful or just and I demanded my blessings NOW!  Yes, I was like a two year old throwing a tantrum and every good parent knows to walk away and not give them any attention.  God is the best parent of all so he did not listen or condemn.

I did however get out of it.  I because happy with being single- something I did not want.  I wanted to be happy married, not single. But I did finally get happy.  How did I do it?  I think this is how:

I had been taught at institute to study the scripture looking for the qualities and attributes of the Godhead as described in Lectures on Faith. I had marked those 12 qualities and attributes and many more in many sets of  scriptures with a specific color for a  decade at least.  Doing this is suppose to make your faith grow in God and His Son.  Also, I had been collecting my blessings, by having them recorded, transcribed, etc.  As the years increased I had a total of 17 promises of marriage and family and I began to believe in my evidences that could not be seen,  at the same time being OK with it not happening in this life.  Another strange dichotomy.  Hebrews 11:1,  Helaman 5: 50

Here I was again, in 2012, with the same issue.  I felt as if I could not trust and rely on those promises any longer.  I needed new ones.  I was growing my faith once again from the start. The seed was that one promise in the patriarchal blessing and I needed other evidences to make my faith sure. However with the many blessings I received since leaving WA, NONE said anything about marriage and family.  It has burdened me greatly.  I do not know what to have faith in, what to hope for, where to put my focus, what to do. I needed HELP!  I even went to my bishop about getting a second patriarchal blessing. My grandmother had her second one years ago. 

I'm driving to my mom's house and the thought comes to me about Abraham and Sarah. I had always puzzled at Abraham going to sacrafice Isaac because:
1. He himself was on an altar ready to be sacrificed but was rescued by Jehovah (Abraham 1:7, 12, 16)
2. He had been so faithful in waiting for Isaac to be born- a long hard wait- that in and of itself a trial of faith and the promised birthright son had come and in him was all the blessings and covenants going to be fulfilled. 

I learned a few years ago, (pre-Jason) how and why Abraham could have that kind of faith.
1. Abraham KNEW GOD, spoke with him face to face (Abraham 3:11), and he trusted him.
2. Abraham  had seen his day (John 8:56) and knew that God was able to raise him from the dead (Hebrews 11: 17-19
3.  Abraham himself had been rescued, perhaps Isaac would be rescued too.  (speculation)

See, not being married and having children was my Abrahamic trial.  It was.  It really was.  And I found myself again experiences the same trial and test.  I was sarcastic and bitter as I had been. I  started to wonder if Abraham and Sarah had put time limits on the Lord as I was doing. Did they still believe at 40, at 50, at 60, at 70 that Isaac would come and then to go and kill the fulfillment of prophecy, their miracle, their blessing? 

I knew that I could not put time limits on God either. I would need to trust in his timing, just as Neal A. Maxwell had said was included with faith.

Perhaps my ram in the thicket will come, perhaps not. Perhaps I, like the early saints need to be tried even as Abraham.  (D&C 101:4)  The faithful become the seed of Abraham (D&C 138: 41) and I want the Celestial Kingdom, so I am working on waiting on the Lord and having faith.  In the mean time, regardless of what happens, if I become a wife and mother in this life or not I have a plan.  It is a traveling plan based on my love of animals. I'm hoping this will give me some motivation to not spend.  

I want to go to: 
1. The Okaniwa Acquarium to see Whale Sharks

2. The Guadalapos Island to see these: 

3. Australia to see some of these creatures. 

That is living Jason, not going to movies or drinking Starbucks hot chocolates!

The Man List

“You can't ask for what you want unless you know what it is. A lot of people don't know what they want or they want much less than they deserve. First you have figure out what you want. Second, you have to decide that you deserve it. Third, you have to believe you can get it. And, fourth, YOU HAVE TO HAVE THE GUTS TO ASK FOR IT.” -Barbara De Angelis

Gotta Have

• Education- bachelor degree

• Family focus- babies perhaps

• Gospel knowledge

• Testimony and love of the scriptures

• Current Temple Recommend

• A handle on money:  savings account, lives within means, knows difference between needs and wants, has a $ plan of the future, has a retirement. 

• Knows how to solve problems 

• Loves all animals, especially dogs. 

• Commandment keeper 
• Understand and lives section 121 
• Desire for Righteousness- to follow the Savior and be faithful to the gospel at all costs. 

Needs to Have

• Social skills, 

• Clean mouth

• Listening skills 

• A good job

• Lets me read and study 

• Lets me do the things I enjoy doing

• Encourages me to develop my talents, helps me to be better. 

• Kindness  
• Honesty to himself and others about who he is and where he is at in life
• Maturity- not worried about his body, being cool, what others think about him, but about eternal things. 
• Sense of humor, makes me laugh 
• Knows how to make decisions, receive revelation and follow through regardless of how difficult it is.

Would be Nice 

• Fix it and built it skills

• A home he owns

• No debt 
• Likes to travel 
• musical- piano, singing? 

Deal Breakers 

• Intense anger

• Throwing, breaking things 

• Easily offended 

• Can't take the truth 

• Manipulative

• Reviles back

• Will not turn the other cheek

• Addictions. 
• Controlling 

a group of men

So besides Mr. 64, who called me on Friday to ask if I had found a ward to go to and work HIS plan there have been others:

I chatted on line with a man in Tennessee through LDS Mid-singles of the world FB group. He flirted quite a bit and is almost, in Sept 34 and is quite anxious to talk to me, etc.  There are no girls for him to ask out and he is desperate.

Then there is a non-member military guy I think 32- I don't know where he lives.  All of this in less than 1 week.

I finally feel mostly comfortable (except situation like Mr. 64) being friends with men, handling myself in a dating situation.  Too bad it took this long and I couldn't figure it out when I was in my 20's, but oh well.  I can turn back the clock.  It's funny because I have been thinking about temple marriage lately.  At times when I feel the spirit I think of it and when I'm in the car alone. I would like a true companion. However one thing I think about too is a mans sex drive.  I really don't want to deal with that all the time.

I hope to find some one good, really good, someone who wants kids, loves the scriptures, who knows the gospel, loves animals too, because that is big for me, has a good job who can support me, not just financially but emotionally, wants me to develop my talents and do things I enjoy, who knows what it means to lead, and honor his priesthood.  Someone who is trying to be the best he can be, not make excuses for behavior.  I want to do those things too, to become those things.

As for the SA program here, another person who has lived other places besides here says that it THIS place is the Worst she has seen.  There are stake presidents who don't get it at all and frankly don't care.   This depresses me greatly as it feel hopeless, but I will still try.  However I really think I need to move if it continues to be like this.  

Dating Options

I just got back from a FHE I hosted at a park in town.  I look around at the SA there, young, old, with kids, with out kids and then there's the dysfunctions- addictions, ex-communicated.

This weekend I went out of town for a SA conference and a gentleman asked for my phone number and to take me out to dinner.  He works for the Bureau of Land Management or the BLM as they call it here and the judiciary system- so he's a lawyer.  He comes to Twin Falls once a month. He has 7 kids, 21 grand kids and 10 step grand kids! He also just bought 10 acres in Star Idaho. I suppose that means he has money.  I think; "what are you doing asking me out?" Hello, you know I don't have children!  He told me I was intelligent and cute.  My friend Beverly says men always want the younger women.

But after tonight I think, what the heck- go for the old guys.  They can pay off my debt my ex can't seem to be man enough to take care that is really his and we can travel.  I do not feel old enough to play grandma to kids yet though. They can just call me Becky.

I guess they call that a "sugar daddy."

A Trial of Faith

You know that Preach My Gospel attribute questionnaire?  We'll I did it today and I only wanted to answer 15 of the 57 statements.  You rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 5 on faith, hope, charity and love, virtue, knowledge, patience, humility, diligence and obedience.  I've done it in RS a few times in the past and even at home and normally it's filled out completely, with mostly fours and fives.  1 means never and 5 means always. If you'd like to do it yourself click here, then go to page 126. 

I've had a difficult month the last four or so weeks.  I've cried most of the way home from work some days,  thinking that if the next 40 years is anything like the last (almost) 40 years then forget it.

I've had a few blessings from Mike my brother in law.  One said that my financial problems were a trial of my faith.  That surprised me when he said it.  The one he gave me most recently told me to fast, pray, attend the temple and most likely  read the scriptures.  Most of my endowed life I've gone to the temple every week or at least every 10 days.  But here, it's been only monthly or longer. I've made a concerted effort to increase in that.  I went Saturday and as the time was getting closer, I found myself not wanting to go.  I told Heavenly Father that I was going out of obedience and duty.  That's all he could expect from me that day.

In he temple as soon as the lights went off I broke into tears. Then when it was over and we were all to head to the veil, I broke down again.  I was in the last row this time so lots of time to wait.   It was serious crying and one sister sitting next to me grabbed me including my face and held me to her.  She just let me cry.  The sister on the other side put her hand on my arm and cried with me.   It was just what I needed.  None of them asked me in the Celestial Room what was wrong, they just said they hopped it got better.  Other women gave me hugs  and said they were praying for me.

The beginning of this week, when my pay check was SO low, due to a week of spring break I was looking at my bank account and when I was almost done, the pains in my chest started again. There was a direct correlation for the first time.  It was due to stress.

The single adult scene is so stupid here.  There has been some very high school stuff going on with people in their 30's and 40's.   I realized that If I ever want that to improve  my social life I'll have to move to another area where it has a higher population.  But then I also realized that if I won't be getting married it doesn't matter where I live. The problem is I have no definitive answer, no pre-knowledge.  In my logical moments, when I'm not crying  I think that I need to find something to bring me happiness if not. But in my tears I think who cares.  I can just be a social recluse and hibernate in my home.

Today I got this terrible hair cut for 11 dollars at Great Cuts- you know that cheep place they don't even wash your hair, just spray it down with a water bottle.   I just feel like I'll never be pretty again and why even try.  Things don't look good from any angel (as explained above). 


I'm still angry at Jason and the Twitchell's for how STUPID they have all been. I'm in this butt load of crap and Jason just leaves every marriage with nothing and starts over again, not having to pay any one anything. I can try and get a lawyer and garnish his wages or unemployment.  Other than that I can do NOTHING but sit here and suffer and keep going on because what else am I going to do.

Why did Heavenly Father give me this life.  I know I screwed up by getting sexually involved with Jason and then marrying him, but before.... As my counselor (named Jason) told me with my years of  singleness, loneliness it's almost like I had to.  But the 20 years before all this.  Those disabilities haven't helped either. And they were disabling.  

The other thing is that I don't enjoy my job.  I get involved with the kids in the classroom that I'm not suppose to and then I get SO frustrated  with them for being SO STUPID, SO DISOBEDIENT.  I just want to spank them, to hit them on the head with an empty water bottle.  I want to tell them they they will be lucky if they aren't pregnant by the time they are 13, or that they most likely  will be gay, or that they have learning disabilities, or squeeze their cheeks and tell them everything I think of them, or that they wear their closes so low I can see their butt crack every day or where that style came from and what it means to be on the "down low". But I don't, because I know I can't, that it's wrong and that I'd loose my job.   But do you see what a bad state I'm in?  I don't feel this way all the time, but sometimes, like today, I even cried about it at recess when no one could see me.

So the list of things that are bad, go to my looks, my health, my job, my lack of a support system, etc. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.  It may take 9 years to get out of debt completely. NINE YEARS!  

How does one go to school to change their career when one can't afford to pay her bills? I don't even know what I should do- that is feasible in the beginning and in the end.

I just don't have the motivation for exercise.

I'm teaching the 16 year old's in Sunday School, and I've taught a few FHE lessons that were stimulating (compared to others).  

Some day I suppose this will all get better and I'll actually like myself and my life and I will be able to answer all the 57 attributes with 4's and 5's,  but for now I just try to keep my head out of water.

Five For Friday

ONE 

I got a roommate to help with the bills.  Her name is Yentl (yentle).  She's 26, a RM from CA, who served in the Philippines and has been home for a few years.  She's working and going to school here at the College of Southern Idaho, CSI for short.  She likes dogs and Coco loves her and when I'm gone Parker will jump on her bed to be with her.  She is gone a lot and I'm gone a lot, but we talk daily and things are good, especially financially.

 TWO

I've been making these lately. I went and bought a pack of100 sheets of origami paper at Freddy's and have made about 20, giving them as gifts.  I don't think I'll get into other origami unless it's useful.  These are bookmarks. You open up the end of the heart and place the triangle on the corner of the page.  I learned how with this video.  I had to watch it 5 or 6 times to get the whole process down, but now I don't need it.

THREE

Remember this post about my ink mishap.  Twice printer ink was spilled all over my hand and once on my pink pajamas.  I got another ink cartridge and let it sit, in the packaging for 3 days before I had the guts to open it up.  But even in the plastic covering it had spilled out.  I was done with that shop, but not before I went and got my money back.  I explained what the problem was- that they had the wrong guard on it.  There's had a full length guard on it on the WRONG side that needed it. They insisted that was not the problem. I didn't argue.  Then I went to Wallmart and got the exact brand of ink as the printer for two dollars less and didn't cause any spills.  The difference was this little piece put on the right place. 

It reminds me of this scripture and printable that I found on line. 

FOUR 

Remember this post about books for 2012?  Well, It's not happening.  Here I am in march and neither of the books have been cracked, although I continue to work on Elder Bednar's book.

I thought I wrote one about my anti new years resolutions, but I can't find it.  I had a word:  HOPE,  I had miracles I was going to pray for: 1. temple marriage, 2. babies,  3. Family members to come back to the gospel and 4. financial relief.

The truth of the matter is I'm a slacker. The prayers lasted for a while and sometimes they still pop up. I for sure worry about # 1,2 and 4, but sometimes I still wonder what I should pray for.  Here's some thoughts: What should I do with my life?  What should I become (I need a new career)?  Should I even worry about marriage or babies? What does HEAVENLY FATHER want me to do with my life?   I still struggle with reading the scriptures at night and praying. I should remember all the scripture quotes I 'pin', but I don't because I'm not in them as much.  When I am in the scriptures my outlook is better.

Last night I read a few blog posts from C Jane Enjoy It about divorce, infertility, and depression. I posted some quotes of what I liked on my quote blog.   Before I turned out the lights I got my March 2012 Ensign and reviewed this article about moving on and moving forward that I love and have marked and then I read the VT message.    I started to feel again that "you are less than" feeling, that my testimony isn't as strong as it used to be, that I'm not as valuable a sister as others or as I used to be.  When I  turned off the light I cried.  I don't do that as much anymore, but sometimes I feel like that.

I think I felt it this past week more as the possibility of loosing my job came on Monday night.  I got overly involved with a clients life and her now ex-boy friend and the mom didn't appreciate me going to get his cat back, so she fired me.  Which means I had to call the boss and tell him.  This would be the 3 strikes your out possibility.  The first two were over falling asleep and being late and falling asleep and a few other minor problems.  My boss is LDS, he has been a bishop and I hate that I wowed them in the interview, but now it's been disappointment after disappointment.  What will I do?  Where can I get a job that makes as much money as I do now?  I got my taxes back.  I so don't want to use it to survive, but to pay off bills!   I still don't know if it's for real yet. I've let a few people know it's a possibility and I may not be coming back on Monday, but I may get off by the skin of my teeth.  But I just hate knowing that people do not think I'm worth it or they are humoring me until that last shoe finally falls. 

FIVE

I went to a SA conference in Boise last weekend.  My first sense my singleness.  I cried on the way there, but was happy on the way home.  I got a few free meals,  met some nice people and went to 3 really good workshops and a really fun dance.  I danced like I used to.  Like I know what I'm doing, like I have confidence, like I'm attractive.  I wasn't worried about my body.  I had women compliment me on my blouse and a man ask me for my phone number.  While nothing will happen- he's to old, from Peru and has grand children, it was nice to dance and I  felt comfortable taking to him.  I was open and honest about my marriage with others and they were about theirs.  I'm one of that group now, one of the divorcees- which is yucky, but it's the truth.  But I understand more about marriage and what it takes to make it work and I can understand why others have left and I understand what people are talking about now in so many areas.

This is the cool LDS church the conference was in. 

And so my life goes on.

my crying complaints: too many women, not enough men

I think I've been to 4 firesides now and 2 activities. The firesides are nice, but shallow in doctrine if you've studied the scriptures like I have. Two of them have been about that. I could do a better job at a fireside, but it's only because I have obtained the ideas I use from so many sources. The people are nice. Unless it's a mid-single group everyone is old, older, or much older. In the mid-singles activities is lots of women and a few men. Women with children mostly.

I go home so emptied of hope for a future with a man and a family. There are so many choices for the men and I'm just not that pretty, thin, or have a great career. It's really depressing. I know I need to focus on healing and finding myself again, getting my confidence back. It's hard because the phone calls and texts have still been going on with Jason. I know I shouldn't answer or reply. He basically begs me to come back, calls me beautiful, apologizes for yelling and says he'll never do it again, but during the day when I think of him, its the negative stuff. If I go back it would be out of fear of never finding anyone, spending the rest of my life alone, and because he's so sad and wants me. It's not about love. I'm sure I'd go back and be depressed still and want to leave again.

So,what is a girl to do? I shared in the fireside tonight about if you look for the qualities and attributes of the Godhead your faith will increase in them. It's true, when I did it for years. I started to believe, to really believe in the promises he'd made to me for year - 17 promises of marriage and family and it got me to where I was when I met Jason. I was OK with being single, had men to flirt with, but had faith in those promises. But now...... I just don't know what to believe, what to pray for, what to do.

Sometimes I want to be a hermit and hide from the rest of the world. I'm sobbing right now as I type this. I wasn't planning on doing a post like his.

My life is depressing. I work with depressing people, and if I get this job I will need to be under constant vigilance of the mentally ill, disabled person I'll be with. That doesn't sound much like a life. I used to wonder what my patriarchal blessing said when it mentioned "those that are less fortunate" than me. We'll that was silly- heck- just wait a year or two and boom- it's completely clear.

But I'm suppose to find happiness now, know Heavenly Father loves me. Sure I'll do that surrounded by people who have husbands and children. I just don't want to be alone!

I was such a joke thinking before that I was at the "top of my game" as Elder Gardner put it, because I didn't marry the wrong person, didn't have a failed marriage, or children, or baggage. I need to just stop thinking anything and then nothing will happen to me.

FINAL

I am now just a single rose, but one is a whole number and
one rose is beautiful all on it's own.

Today the divorce became final. Judge Debra A. Orr pronounced it before 9:30 am. I think I will always remember her name. I texted Jason the news and he said back "love 2 U". There were no tears or happiness on my part. It just is. I exchanged one worry for another. I go back to praying for a temple marriage- I actually prayed for that while I was married too. But my friend Cindy from work back in Bellevue told me to pray for someone to cherish me that I can cherish too, and to ask myself, not how do I feel about the person I'm with, but how I feel about my self. She's a wise woman. She knows because she's been there.

I've been going to a divorce support group on Wed with other Christians in the basement of a Nazarene church in town. No one knows I'm LDS, but they will soon. We are all writing how God has helped us through this, sharing scriptures, prayers, music, friends or family. The scriptures I share will be from The Book of Mormon.

Two weeks ago I started going to a 14 week class called 'pattern changing'. So far both times I walked away realizing how battered I was. I was so stressed out about the class last night I needed to talk to someone. It's not a therapy group, but educational. I decided I need counseling the day after the class, not before or the day of.

Here are some things that I learned that spoke to me. It all spoke to me, but these were stronger than others.

From a paper called "self-Advocacy Strategies Questionnaire":

#8 If a decision will lead to either guilt or resentment, go with guilt! Because it is more likely I will be acting in my best interest rather than someone else's.

#23 When a woman says, 'i feel sorry for him,' she is making the other person's problem her problem. If I feel sorry for him, I'm suppose to do something about it. I should do something that he would like me to do (go back to him; stay in the relationship). This is faulty thinking! I may not like to see him suffer, but it may be contrary to my best interest to do something that reduces my guilt and alleviated his pain. I am not responsible for solving the problems that he caused and for which he needs to be held accountable. (Otherwise, he'll never learn and will continue to treat other women the way he treated me.) If I do something that he wants because I feel sorry for him, it means that I may be placing his wants and interests above my own (and my children's) best interest. I must act in my best interest.

I've already started to use this (not just the classes, but the whole experience: dating, marriage, and divorce) as a learning experience.

Something Great

I've always wanted to do something great, to be someone great. I have lots of great friends. Friends (like Annette and Laurel) who have published books, have CD talks out or offer themselves to a world that needs to hear what they have to say. I have other friends too (like Ann and Janea) who are great on a smaller scale- not book, or CD's, but people- LOTS and LOTS of people. But when I think of my friends in life- roommates from college, friends from single adult days and even friends now who are married( like Bobbie or Loha), I wish I could be more like them or at least more unique like me so what I have to offer matters. Really matters in this life.

During my dark days of singleness I remember thinking if your not a wife and a mother, what are you? What have you given? The answer was nothing and to me it meant that I had nothing to give hence why I wasn't having that blessing happen. Yet I also contradicted those thoughts with 'I'm not that ugly, I'm righteous, I KNOW the scripture, I serve, I'm a good person, I have righteous desires and they are cute and young and dumb and prettier or thinner than me and that's why they get what they have not grieved over.

Lucikly before I got married I got over it and just enjoyed my life, but now that I'm married, I see that it is not about married status at all. It was solely about you! I didn't have to shame myself or be prideful at all. It is about who you ARE and who you are BECOMING.

It's about what this quote says:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.”


I had a blessing once that said the same thing essentially. "I have a personality that delights men and women and it does not serve me well when I hide it."

I've always wanted to be old. I grew up with to many old people- my parents and my siblings, and I knew that older was better. Life lessons were learned- you just lived. Mistake had already been made and you just watched others make mistakes.There was less to worry about it seems. I wanted and still sometimes want to be over with the mistakes, and the worry and the becoming and just BE, just live.

I know what my patriarchal blessing says.

• "Great ladies of my time as I teach and give direction"
  
• "greater understanding of life"
• "Many people will gather around you and call you blessed"
• "having the spiritual and temporal needs to help those who come to my door"
• "Helping those who are less fortunate than me"

I can put names behind those quotes of the people I mentioned above that have done those things, are doing those things. So the question remains: AM I? Am I those things? If not am I becoming those things?

What started all of this you probably didn't ask yourself. Well here's the quote that did.

History hinges upon seemingly small and simple souls. Keep moving forward.

I guess I want to be a small and simple soul who in the end makes a difference. So I will increase my efforts to be a better me and keep moving forward.

More insight

First of all, I'm writing this because it's been so therapeutic for me and has let me really understand myself and to put a finger right on it. I hope you don't mind me getting personal.

Last night as I was heading to bed I also realized that another reason I was struggling is because I know I'm going to leave my field of care giving. I'm burned out after 11 years and need a change. I'm the poorest I've ever been this year. I'm worried about being stuck here with my mom being poor the rest of my life. Sometimes I see no real out unless I get married.

I want to be a veterinarian assistant. It pays more, but it's not a good time to change jobs and loose benefits which I need so badly due to the medicine I'm on. There is fear with this change and a few ways I could do it. 1. spend 10 thousand dollars and 6 months going to school through PIMA. 2. Go to a 3 quarter night program through Renton Technical College. 3. Train on the job. I'd like to do # 2 and 3. But the timing must be right. I'm fearful of not being successful with my life, with always trying to make it, to finally get somewhere, of being stuck in this going no where life. Being a wife and mother you know where you are and what your job is and you keep doing it. Marriage is one answer to that fear.

I also realized that I need VALIDATION. Sometimes I have these failure dreams, about random things, but I know what the message is; others being better and me failing. When a person is continually left behind, not chosen and does not have a career, but a job, life doesn't look so promising. A man gives you validation for a weekend and then doesn't call and I feel worthless. Not just because of him, but because of everything that I've blogged reciently. I know that's not healthy, that I should have my own self confidence regardless of what happens in my life and relying on somone else is not heathly for that either. So, what is a girl to do, besides hang on and get through until she gets back up and feels ok again? There you go. I think that's it, but you never know, I may get more insight into this period of my life.

Oh- one more thing. I'm not thinking eternally, but just earth life and with fear and not faith.
Heavenly Father has said to me in a blessing:

I will not let you fail in any way, as long as you continue to work diligently
to live the commandments, to do the things you have been placed here to do.

Success is relative.

My Favorite Faith Scriptures

The last 2 months have been very difficult. I've cried a lot. I've been in this flat effect depression daily, hourly and nearly every minute. I've already had 2 blessings and plan on getting another. I've tried at times to ground myself in truth; in what is and not what might be, but I've struggled with not being married in a way I haven't in the last 3 years. Believe it or not I have 15 promises of marriage and a family. They are all written down. But there are moments when I want to give up, to loose faith, and to forget it all.

I recently taught seminary 4 days. I was blessed to teach Hebrews 11-13, some of my favorite New Testament scripture generally and my favorite scripture specifically about faith. I taught the juniors and seniors. I broke them up into groups of 3 and gave them a few verses and had them write every example of faith, each one on a sheet of paper. Here are a few examples:

1. Through faith we understand that the worlds were ^aframed by the ^bword of God
2. By faith ^aAbel offered unto God a more excellent ^bsacrifice than Cain,
3. By faith ^aEnoch was ^btranslated that he should not see death (verses 3-5 not in full)

We built a 'wall of faith'. The goal of course is not have have our personal walls of faith broken down by the enemy or penetrated by doubt, fear, or any other tactic of Satan. As one idea says we should present evidences to our mind that we become unshaken. I taught this lesson before my 'difficult time'. I told the kids about my blessings and about my lack of dates. But I also told them that I believed them, that I trust the Lord.

I think one of the main reasons I'm struggling so, is because so many single friends are getting married or have gotten married. I've been to 3 sealings already. There are more to come and some I won't be invited to, but they are none-the-less happening. I'm happy for them, really I am. I know they have waited a long time too, I just don't understand why it's not me. I feel as if this summer and perhaps on will be a trial of my faith. It's a trial I wish I didn't have to go through, but that I want to pass. I'm attending the temple weekly per normal and praying in tears for blessings. But I still wait. To help with this waiting I've created a list of scriptures that I will put in my purse and post on my wall to keep my faith strong like those of ancient times. I don't want to waver for fear my desires will not be fulfilled. You can see by what I've underlined what is important to me. I'm hoping this will get me through. Here is the list:

Through faith also Sara herself received strength to conceive seed, and was delivered of a child when she was past age, because she judged him faithful who had promised. Hebrews 11:11

By faith Abraham, when he was tried offered up Isaac: and he that had received the promises offered up his only begotten son, Hebrews 11:17

Accounting that God was able to raise him up, even from the dead; from whence also he received him in a figure. Hebrews 11:19

These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth. Hebrews 11: 13

Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross; Hebrews 12: 1-2

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Jeremiah 29:11

The eyes of all wait upon thee; and thou givest them their meat in due season. Thou openest thine hand, and satisfiest the desire of every living thing. ....He will fulfill the desire of them that fear him. Psalm 145: 15-16,19

Too Much Information

This is the information age and I've been over whelmed with it for weeks now, trying to manage my time reading and organizing all the information. I'm passionate about a few subjects.

1. Politics: I became a PCO: a Precinct Committee Officer in my area, which means my neighbors and myself got to VOTE for me in the primary election. No one was running against me- HEHE. I didn't do much with it, except at the end of the elections, I volunteered at the phone banks calling to poll voters, which I was told was akin to dragging people to the polls and making them vote. I did that 5 times, three of those times just days before the election. I even called the day of the election and the day after as the race for Congress was so close and we had a list of voters whose signatures didn't match. We called the list, found out who they voted for and if they voted for our candidate told them the problem and offered to help them have their vote counted. Dave Riechart won by a slim margin. I've meet Dave personally and he is a understanding respectful man. He was the sheriff who spent 19 years catching the Green River Killer. I also met Dinno Rossi who lost the seat for Governor a second time.

This has caused me to want to do more the next election. I want to be educated on both political parties and what they believe, stand for, and what has happened in the past under their ideology. I want to be armed with knowledge the next election. So, I'm reading Wikipedia articles, books on the constitution, and listening to talk radio.

2. The Family: I'm reading emails, newspaper articles daily about Proposition 8 in California. The Mormons are being picketed, yet we are just a small percentage of people who helped that pass for the SECOND TIME! The Seattle Temple is expecting protesters on Sat and I will be there to take pictures. I'm placing these articles I'm reading in my LDSjournal on line. I must record this. It's history being made and I was there and it effected me. I don't know who will read my journal when I'm old or gone, but someone will and they will want to know what it was like.

3. The Economy: This goes right along with government and politics. I'm still working on getting out of debt. My goal of having my teaching certificate paid off by the time it expires in June of 2009 will not be happening, but I have made great strides the last 4 plus years and it will not take me the planned 15 years the bank had. Plus, I want to travel, I want to create a next egg and give more to charity too. I am working on my business too, which I hope will be big enough that I need to buy a truck to put all those dogs in.

4. The Gospel: Then of course there is the gospel, which has always been my first passion, but seems to have taken a back seat this last few weeks. My scripture reading has not been daily at all, because I'm on line reading and getting worked up inside about all of these subjects and sharing them with others. I did however read a few night ago and was led to the Old Testament and found it invigorating. Thank goodness for the gospel. I also started commenting on a Facebook discussion with a questioning non- member that gets me riled up. More information.

5. Gregory: I need to get a system going and figure his programs out and learn more sign language.

6. My dog Sam is hurt and I feel better for his one fat leg that he limps on. While I don't have to force medicine down him, just thinking about him makes me sad. I don't do it often. I love him and don't want to loose him, but..... time will tell, as my mother always says. He's eating more, but is still skinny.

7. My sister and the kids. I wake up to yelling, I go to sleep to yelling and it's early and late. Don't know how we can do YEARS of this. I want the kids to go to some one who actually parents, not just acts like a teenager with them.

8. My callings: SA, have shed a few tears about that lately. It's painful, It hurts and ....... In a way it's annoying. I will continue to do what I'm asked, but part of me really wants to just let go for a while and focus on this INFORMATION. In this subject for me- it's such a fine line right now. I need to believe it will happen because the Lord has said it will and if I don't I'm faithless. But I need to not let it occupy my mind. I need to be something else besides single.

9: My mom: her loneliness and money that is diminishing. I am tied to that.

10: Technology: And I don't know how to do the things on line with this blog that I want to do, need to do and with my pictures. I need a tutor! I need someone to sit down with me and do it.

I feel the weight of all of this. I see the minutes and hours slipping by as I read and write on line mostly. I feel and know of America falling apart- the constitution not being used correctly, by people and organizations. I see the evilness of the world concerning families, marriage, abortion, and so many other subjects and the people we have elected that will not uphold those virtues.
The last days are so real to me. I can see and feel the increase of it getting closer of governments, people really going to hell.

People say pray. Pray for us for strength, yes, but for them- I think those prayers are with out faith, as Moroni prayer, because they cannot see the right way and love wickedness. They have been bamboozled by Satan and his followers. So pray for the second coming to be delayed? I think not. I just know I am genuinely concerned. It is on my mind constantly and I often don't know what to focus on, what priority should be first. Goals? I have thought of them. Read one article from the conference address in the morning- hasn't happened. Write one entry in my journal a day for my life history, plus keep the journal up, paste important articles and then go through and add the paragraphs that are taken out in that process. The past part of the goal has not happened.

This screams today to me. D&C 1: 12-19

12 Prepare ye, prepare ye for that which is to come, for the Lord is nigh;

13 And the anger of the Lord is kindled, and his sword is bathed in heaven, and it shall fall upon the inhabitants of the earth.

14 And the arm of the Lord shall be revealed; and the day cometh
that they who will not hear the voice of the Lord, neither the voice of his servants,
neither give heed to the words of the prophets and apostles, shall be cut off from
among the people;

15 For they have strayed from mine ordinances, and have broken mine everlasting
covenant;

16 They seek not the Lord to establish his righteousness, but every man walketh in his own way, and after the image of his own god, whose image is in the likeness of the world, and whose substance is that of an idol, which waxeth old and shall perish in Babylon, even Babylon the great, which shall fall.

17 Wherefore, I the Lord, knowing the calamity which should come upon the inhabitants of the earth, called upon my servant Joseph Smith, Jun., and spake unto him from heaven, and gave him commandments;

18 And also gave commandments to others, that they should proclaim these things unto the world; and all this that it might be fulfilled, which was written by the prophets—

19 The weak things of the world shall come forth and break down the mighty and strong ones, that man should not counsel his fellow man, neither trust in the
arm of flesh—