For instance I could not for the life of me stop being angry at the kids at Gooding HS. I could not stop myself from saying insulting things to those kids. I was just as stupid as they were, just in a different way. I sabotaged myself, it would seem.
I've been fired 3 times from 3 different PSR companies in 10 months. PSR stands for psychosocial rehabilitation. It is a job that has no handbook, no how-to manual or even a PSR for dumbies book. It's assumed that because you have a 4 year degree in something related to psychology that you know how to deal with people with mental illnesses. Illnesses that are for the most part not medicated.
I've made some of the same mistakes with subbing too- the boundary ones. For subbing it's like a continuum. Enemy on one end, personal control in the middle and friend on the opposite end. I've been everywhere on the line, but now I really SEE HOW to BE so as not to be on the negative ends professionally.
Enemy_______ Personal Control________Friend
I've finally been able to turn to prayer too. Real, on my knees by my bed, what I need prayer. It's been since 2009 since I've had daily prayer like that. Maybe that too is due to the meds? What ever it is I'm thankful. Thankful and when I think too long about it, I worry about not doing it on my own. But for now I'm releaved. It seems I've been a new person and it's a better me, not worse.
Sometimes it's felt like I've been a wave in the ocean, up and down, crashing or building, but no happiness of just floating and enjoying the water and sun. Happiness is heavily tied to life satisfaction. I hope to find some satisfaction soon.
