6 Desires

The Sunday school lesson I taught today to the 16 year olds was on 3 Nephi 17-19.   I used a teaching idea the manuel suggests of having the kids write down 6 desires and then share with them what the Nephities desired.  What they desired was the Holy Ghost.  After we read and I taught about this, I then asked them to cross off any desire that was not spiritual. 

None of the kids crossed off anything.  One young man asked a question asked about his desire for a good job.  I shared with him one of mine about getting out of debt and how that is spiritual to me because I'm in bondage.  Having a good job is a spiritual goal because he will be able to take care of his family.

Since I haven't shared anything spiritual in a while I thought I'd share what I wrote down.  Here are my desires. 

1. Financial worries gone
2. A temple marriage to a righteous husband.
3. Children
4. Anger completely gone, never to return.
5. knowledge about how to do my job better
6. Sarcasm and bitterness gone.

As I walked out of church I thought of another one I should of put down, but wasn't thinking of. 

7. Being able to forgive Jason.

Another thought came to me as I was preparing this.  Maybe the anger, bitterness, sarcasm would be gone once I had forgiven Jason.  Another thought came too.  However I am not just angry about Jason, but other people and situations as well.  I know that number 4 and 6 are biggies in my life right now.  I am sarcastic, angry and bitter A LOT of the time. But if I could forgive Jason I would need to assume my anger towards him would be gone. 

I'm trying to read a book my niece recommended that really helped her.  It's called Love is Letting Go of Fear.   This book says that the only goal we should have is peace of mind.  The book also states that forgiveness is our single function and the way to achieve peace of mine.

I didn't think I was going here, but I guess thinking through things is like therapy, which is why many counselors tell their clients to journal.

Not sure how to do all that, but I know I need to do it.  I'll ask my counselor and I'll turn to Heavenly Father and maybe the bishop.  There is SO MUCH under all of #4 and 6 that go WAY back that still plague me today. 

Oh.  The big message umbrella message that came to me while I was teaching today and shared with the kids was the Jesus knows and loves us all personally.  Ya, even in all our weaknesses and infirmities.  That's what I told then, but do I believe it enough to not make me hate myself enough to love and forgive others.  Enough to stand by myself and still feel my worth and value as an individual.  For decades now I've felt that I will never be completely healed of my infirmities until I am in the arms of my Savior.  Exactly what happened to the Nephities.

Wow- look at the way that all came around as I sat here and cried and thought my way through so many things.

Gooding Idaho

Gooding is the town I work in.  The school mascot is "Senator" and here is why:  The town of Gooding was established in 1907 on 160 acres owned by Frank R. Gooding, a former Governor and Senator in Idaho.  Its population was 3,384 at the 2000 census.

The Mascot

There is the public school which includes a HS with a entire size of a little over 300 (just a tad over my graduating class of 274).  Across the street is the middles school and elementary.  While there is separate entrances to the schools, it is housed in the same building and they share an office. 

The front of the HS

Gooding is also where one of the offices of the agency I work for is located, so that makes it convenient for going to staff meetings every 2 weeks.

Gooding also had a charter school there that wears uniforms.

The Blind and Deaf School

Gooding is also home to the States Blind and Deaf School.

Gooding also offers, a police department, an airport, a golf course, a substance abuse treatment center, a bowling alley and fair grounds where a pro-rodeo is held.

For being a farming town this school has some amazing technology.  Bathroom hand dryers like this:

  The kids also use their finger prints to pay for or record their lunch purchase. It's electric and beeps when it's captured the print.

If Becky Had Her Own Classroom

I'm doing HS again and boy have I learned a lot. I would be a different teacher than I was seven years ago.

Today I came up with my classroom rules.

1.  You must NEVER just do NOTHING.  Read, do other school work, study for tests, practice more math, practice writing, etc.
2. ALL supplies must be out so that you at least LOOK as if you are on task.
3. LISTEN so you can follow instructions.
4. If you can't control your mouth in class, you WILL control it in the hall or the principles office.
5.  Accept NO answers and consequences.
6. Ignore distractions and FOCUS. (If it doesn't involve you, it doesn't involve you!)

I spend 2 class period in the resource or special ed room.  I was frustrated when teaching at 5th graders reading at a 2nd or 3rd grade level, but boy am I EXTREMELY frustrated with high schoolers doing 5th grade math and reading.  These kids are DUMB!  I mean stupid.  For most of them, it's not their fault.  They were born like that.

There is one red headed, pink faced, overweight kid who is one of the dumbest in the room.  The problem is he is the loudest, so he makes himself look like a fool.  There are also many many kids who just don't care.  Who don't listen, who don't try, who don't even bring paper or a pencil to class, who fall asleep.  I'm not speaking of one kid, but a composite of a few.

There is another kid who hides behind his hair and quietness.  His mom is convinced he is autistic, I believe that is because she does not want guilt or blame on her. But if you ask me it's learned behavior and he needs to go to a military school. He is not autistic. He gets himself in fights, starts conversations, does no repetitive movements and gives me dirty looks!  He has mastered getting away with the least amount of work possible.

I can't help but step in to help with the kids.  There are only 10 kids in the room and there is at least 2 PSR's  (one of them me), an aid and a teacher.  The teacher will teach and then sit in the back behind her computer, while kids are struggling and doing nothing.  Lately she has the aids doing ALL the teaching.  She's let these kids with low IQ's, are behind and have holes in their educations listen to music.  You know- ear buds in their ears- while the teacher is talking and while they are suppose to be working.  It's a another way to avoid learning in my book. 

Bottom line: 

A teacher teaches and WALKS AROUND, HELPS THE STUDENTS AND KEEPS THEM ON THEIR TOES. 

Softball and Being Real

Thursday in PE the kids were playing a sort of baseball game in the gym.  I flashed back to being a young teen maybe 14 or 15 and playing softball with Brother Bardsley as the coach.   Two memories: One of him taking me behind the scenes of everything else and standing just feet from me, throwing me the ball, helping me to catch and throw correctly.  He'd move back and back and and we'd keep throwing to each other.  That is the man who taught me to throw a ball. 

Then there was the time that I lost the game for us.  I was up to bat and still sucked at it.  I don't know if I ever got good.  But there was a lot of pressure from both teams of what to do.  To swing or  not to swing. Both teams were yelling at me.  Voices coming from every where of what to do. And who did I listen to?  Not my team, not my friends, not my coach.  I listened to the opposing team.  I listened in essence to the enemies.  I realized Thursday what that means. I didn't trust those people who had me in their care.  I don't think it was "them", (the people on my team that I didn't trust), but the main adults in my life.  I'll leave it at that for the reader to figure it out.  

Or maybe I was just stupid.  Just not mature enough intellectually yet, or maybe both?  But that is how it's been really.  I've been afraid to trust God, because of what he would or would not give me.  I got over that pre-marriage, but I'm trying to figure it out now, not knowing what words, what blessings,  what promises to still put trust in or what to ignore and lay aside.  Lay it aside because I screwed up and screwed up badly, altering the course of my life.

It's sad really to be at this place at 40.  But all I can do is to keep on keeping on and work on getting out of this mess that has me crying at strange times due to strange memories, because I can't compartmentalize. It's all related, all tied together.  What's happening now, with what happened at 15.  I just want it to go away.  To be saved from this all.  But even the financial salvation would still leave me with me and he questions of WHO am I? and What is my life's mission?  Am I a failure?  A looser?  If not, show me.  Show me how not to be.  And please make it easy, because it's been so hard and sometimes I want to throw in the towel, and not try anymore.  I want to give up.  But I don't because I have too much knowledge.  And that is what keeps me here, trying, going to church, teaching the kids in Sunday School, trying to pray and to read my scriptures.  Hoping that the cloud will clear and the light of who I am will shine through and I will find that I am valuable and there was a purpose to this.  A REAL purpose.  More than just consequences.  Is that possible? Is it possible to feel real after a divorce?  To feel real when there is no one love in your life?  To feel real when you are single and most often alone?

Pre-Mission Missionary Moments

Lets just forget the car/motorcycle accident, the court case coming up, the unemployment fiasco, and the crap with Jason and remember the past. 

When I was little- like preschool little my mom was gone and my brother had to come pick me up from preschool.  We walked the mile or so home as he was not driving yet or the cars were gone or something.  We lived in Minnesota on  Lake Excelsior and we crossed rail road tracks and went over a bridge to get to town.  Minnesota is not a rainy state, but that day it started to POUR.  A trucker stopped to pick us up and so we got in and the guy was smoking, the place smelled like smoke and there was cigarette butts and all on the  and I proceeded to tell him that smoking was bad for you and he shouldn't do that.  Nice thing to say to someone that just saved you from the rain.   My brother was not really thrilled with me, but said nothing.  I mean what do you say to a well meaning, well trained in the ways of the Word of Wisdom child.  That was my first "Stand for Truth and Righteousness" moment in my life.

Then there was my first temple open house in Portland Oregon.  I was 16, not yet driving and my sister and I brought friends.  Mine was not yet a member.  We were in line and of course there was the typical anti-Mormons near by.  A lady in a skirt went to go get some of their material and I shouted "That's false doctrine!"  

I'm proud of those moments.  But what happened?   A few years latter I'm at a Mervyn's jewelry counter   soon after the 1988 Olympics and am  looking down at rings and my "stand for truth and righteous" torch necklace was visible.  The employee at the other side of the counter said something like this:  "That's so cool!  Were you in the Olympics?"  I didn't know what to say when someone asked me.  I'm great at giving unsolicited advice or words of any kind, but someone just asked me a question!  "Ya", I answered nervously as I backed up and away.  I think the conversation kept going, but I don't remember what was said, but I kept backing up, glad to be out of there!  I mean for crying out loud- I didn't even pass out programs at the Olympics! I mean this lady thought I was in the Olympics!  AHHHH.  Yep- missed missionary opportunity!

Then I have my mission call and mom and I are going shoe shopping. We tell the shoe salesman I'm moving to California (where I served my mission) and he says what for?  My response?  "OH, it's a long story!"  My mom looks at me with that look once we are outside the store in the mall and says something to this effect:  "Becky,  You're going on a mission! (dah, mom!)  Your going to have to talk to a lot of people.  Just tell them and if they are interested they will ask questions." 

Once the tag got on, it was easier again.  Not perfect, but easier.