Softball and Being Real

Thursday in PE the kids were playing a sort of baseball game in the gym.  I flashed back to being a young teen maybe 14 or 15 and playing softball with Brother Bardsley as the coach.   Two memories: One of him taking me behind the scenes of everything else and standing just feet from me, throwing me the ball, helping me to catch and throw correctly.  He'd move back and back and and we'd keep throwing to each other.  That is the man who taught me to throw a ball. 

Then there was the time that I lost the game for us.  I was up to bat and still sucked at it.  I don't know if I ever got good.  But there was a lot of pressure from both teams of what to do.  To swing or  not to swing. Both teams were yelling at me.  Voices coming from every where of what to do. And who did I listen to?  Not my team, not my friends, not my coach.  I listened to the opposing team.  I listened in essence to the enemies.  I realized Thursday what that means. I didn't trust those people who had me in their care.  I don't think it was "them", (the people on my team that I didn't trust), but the main adults in my life.  I'll leave it at that for the reader to figure it out.  

Or maybe I was just stupid.  Just not mature enough intellectually yet, or maybe both?  But that is how it's been really.  I've been afraid to trust God, because of what he would or would not give me.  I got over that pre-marriage, but I'm trying to figure it out now, not knowing what words, what blessings,  what promises to still put trust in or what to ignore and lay aside.  Lay it aside because I screwed up and screwed up badly, altering the course of my life.

It's sad really to be at this place at 40.  But all I can do is to keep on keeping on and work on getting out of this mess that has me crying at strange times due to strange memories, because I can't compartmentalize. It's all related, all tied together.  What's happening now, with what happened at 15.  I just want it to go away.  To be saved from this all.  But even the financial salvation would still leave me with me and he questions of WHO am I? and What is my life's mission?  Am I a failure?  A looser?  If not, show me.  Show me how not to be.  And please make it easy, because it's been so hard and sometimes I want to throw in the towel, and not try anymore.  I want to give up.  But I don't because I have too much knowledge.  And that is what keeps me here, trying, going to church, teaching the kids in Sunday School, trying to pray and to read my scriptures.  Hoping that the cloud will clear and the light of who I am will shine through and I will find that I am valuable and there was a purpose to this.  A REAL purpose.  More than just consequences.  Is that possible? Is it possible to feel real after a divorce?  To feel real when there is no one love in your life?  To feel real when you are single and most often alone?

Blast From The Past.

Melanie Klann, Ann Wilkin's, Paige Walker, Aimee Klann, Annette Bowen, Tali Thompson, Cherelyn Linde, Linda Pope, Julie and Jenni Wirrick, Amy McOmber, Me, Tiffany Linde

Me, Rachel and Paige

Me, Leslie Humphrey with daughter Hannah, Janea in the back with Brynlee, Rachel Robey, Paige Walker Morrill, Tali Thompson Laundry.

July 14th, 2009
YW afternoon mini-reunion.
Not pictured: Ann Braithwaite (leader) Kathy Dixon, Cami, Alex, Karen Snow, Traci Campbell, Sarah Rose, Jodi Wirrick, Audra and Nikki Ross, Jenny Hammon, Rochelle Thompson.

Leslie, Melanie, Amy and Cindy Gustin, were a few years younger. Amy Arenson was in the neighboring ward, and Linda and Annette were leaders.

Rachel, Melanie and I were the only one with out kids.
I was the only one never married.
Tiffany only single mom.
Ann=4 kids.
Paige=2 kids
Aimee=3 kids
Tali=4 kids
Cherelyn=3 kids
Julie=5 kids
Jenni=4 kids
Amy=4 kids
Tiffany=1
Divorced=Tiffany and Rachel

Those not pictured
Kathy =3 kids
Cami=4 kids
Alex=1 kid
Karen=0
Tracy= 3 I think
Sarah=5 kids
Jodi= 4 kids
Audra=0
Nikki=4 kids
Jenny=1
Rochelle=4 kids
Divorced=Kathy, Audra
Total inactive= 5
Returned Missionaries=5