Ode to the past.... and hope for the future

I woke up Saturday morning the 5th of January, knowing that Jason had moved on completely.

This one describes our marriage:   

Then I left and he kept trying for a year to get me back. This would be his song at that time:

This would describe my answer to that: 

This represents hope for the future:

6 Desires

The Sunday school lesson I taught today to the 16 year olds was on 3 Nephi 17-19.   I used a teaching idea the manuel suggests of having the kids write down 6 desires and then share with them what the Nephities desired.  What they desired was the Holy Ghost.  After we read and I taught about this, I then asked them to cross off any desire that was not spiritual. 

None of the kids crossed off anything.  One young man asked a question asked about his desire for a good job.  I shared with him one of mine about getting out of debt and how that is spiritual to me because I'm in bondage.  Having a good job is a spiritual goal because he will be able to take care of his family.

Since I haven't shared anything spiritual in a while I thought I'd share what I wrote down.  Here are my desires. 

1. Financial worries gone
2. A temple marriage to a righteous husband.
3. Children
4. Anger completely gone, never to return.
5. knowledge about how to do my job better
6. Sarcasm and bitterness gone.

As I walked out of church I thought of another one I should of put down, but wasn't thinking of. 

7. Being able to forgive Jason.

Another thought came to me as I was preparing this.  Maybe the anger, bitterness, sarcasm would be gone once I had forgiven Jason.  Another thought came too.  However I am not just angry about Jason, but other people and situations as well.  I know that number 4 and 6 are biggies in my life right now.  I am sarcastic, angry and bitter A LOT of the time. But if I could forgive Jason I would need to assume my anger towards him would be gone. 

I'm trying to read a book my niece recommended that really helped her.  It's called Love is Letting Go of Fear.   This book says that the only goal we should have is peace of mind.  The book also states that forgiveness is our single function and the way to achieve peace of mine.

I didn't think I was going here, but I guess thinking through things is like therapy, which is why many counselors tell their clients to journal.

Not sure how to do all that, but I know I need to do it.  I'll ask my counselor and I'll turn to Heavenly Father and maybe the bishop.  There is SO MUCH under all of #4 and 6 that go WAY back that still plague me today. 

Oh.  The big message umbrella message that came to me while I was teaching today and shared with the kids was the Jesus knows and loves us all personally.  Ya, even in all our weaknesses and infirmities.  That's what I told then, but do I believe it enough to not make me hate myself enough to love and forgive others.  Enough to stand by myself and still feel my worth and value as an individual.  For decades now I've felt that I will never be completely healed of my infirmities until I am in the arms of my Savior.  Exactly what happened to the Nephities.

Wow- look at the way that all came around as I sat here and cried and thought my way through so many things.

A Dry Drunk

Addiction treatment can last anywhere from 30, to 60, to 90 days.  It usually doesn't work and often the addict is back 2 or 3 times before they really stop what ever the addiction is.

I've learned recently about "Dry Drunks."  A dry drunk is those who no longer partake of the preferred  substance, but the behaviors of a drunk, a druggie, etc still is alive and well.  Sometimes those behaviors are so engrained in them, they can't get to reality. What they do is reject your reality and substitute their own on to you.  It can be VERY abusive.  Below are some of the personality behaviors of those dry drunks.

• Blame (It's always someone else) 
• Denial  about anything.
• Narcissistic 
• Horrible self-esteem 
• Manipulators 
• Co-dependant 
• No coping skills
• Not rational 
• Paranoid
• Have often been abused 
• Turn negative behaviors on someone else.  (It's always someone else) 
• They are often OCD
• Often they are Bi-Polar 
• 75% of them have Borderline Personality disorder and often it's just due to all the other dysfunctions above. 
• Often they have more than one addiction 
• Living with them is like walking on egg shells

A person like this looks in the mirror and sees not himself, but others. There is no personal responsibility, because to do that would mean they are less than the dust of the earth.  They have been wrong, have treated people wrongly, have done things totally wrong, have lied to themselves and others and they cannot admit that they have been and are basically crazy.  They cannot face who and what they really are to protect their ever so enormously fragile ego. 

This is the kind of person I lived with for 17 months and then continued to let him talk to me on the phone for 8 more months.

Trial of Faith (take 2)

FYI:  Jason called me yesterday at 7am on my way to the new job.  He still does not have a job.  It's been SO hot in St. Louis (106 degrees) that they won't let the  brick masons work, hence no money.  I've been praying that friends and family get jobs.  I need to add him to the list.  He also wanted to know about my dating life.  Nope,  not gonna tell him about that and I don't want to hear about his dating life either.  I will discuss money and inquire about the welfare of family (and he can too), but that is it.  The whole things was a little shocking really, but it takes away one of those anniversaries (see post below) which is fine and good and as it should be.

In other news:  

So, a few weeks ago, I was hired by a different company that does the same work as I've been doing only in Twin Falls, which means A LOT less driving and also pays two dollars an hour more. A savings and a gain. But as I went to trainings, I kept walking away thinking and verbalizing to others "What have I done?"  This company is annal, micromanages and honestly treats it's employee's like children.  During the interveiw I was asked what my current company would say about me.  Luckily I had a good Jan-May.  Oct to Dec was not good and I was honest about my falling asleep at work.  They valued my honesty.  

I head to the first day of my job mostly to observe. I saw their summer programs which are located in 3 portables.  I see the HS program, the elementary program, and the middle school program.  During the middle school program they put a movie in, turned off the lights and I fell asleep(I did this in a theater too).  The head person there, takes a picture of me and sends it to the boss.  Strike 1.  At the end of the day, I speak with my trainer and complain a little about all the extra things that this company requires and is annal about that I know that all other companies in the area do not do.  The next day I show up on time and in 15 minutes am back home with a check to put in the bank.  Yep I was fired.   I didn't protest, but said OK, took the check and left. Was I sad?  Yes, oh yes.  Did I realize what I had done?  Yes.  Oh, my life would of been so much better off financially and I could of taken months of my get out of debt plan.

The next day I called my old boss, I had not completely left the company, so asked if I could be full time again.  I learned Friday evening at 5 just as I was about to leave for a 5 day weekend at mom's that yes, there was a job for me- in Gooding,  a  45 minute drive from Twin and it was with a difficult 16 year old girl.  I was NOT happy because of that, but also because school had already started, so I would need to be back to work on Monday. Bye bye vacation!

I immediately enter depressed, distraught, anger, faithless mode.  How could heavenly Father do this to me, I thought. Nothing is matching up- the dichotomy of my patriarchal blessing and my life is a 180.   How much does He expect me to go through?  I realize I did this to myself.  I can't take much more and really need to be thrown a bone.

I was back at that place where I had been earlier in my life, where I wanted to throw rocks at God.  Ridiculous visual, huh?  Paleeeeese!  I did not think him keeping me single was kind, merciful or just and I demanded my blessings NOW!  Yes, I was like a two year old throwing a tantrum and every good parent knows to walk away and not give them any attention.  God is the best parent of all so he did not listen or condemn.

I did however get out of it.  I because happy with being single- something I did not want.  I wanted to be happy married, not single. But I did finally get happy.  How did I do it?  I think this is how:

I had been taught at institute to study the scripture looking for the qualities and attributes of the Godhead as described in Lectures on Faith. I had marked those 12 qualities and attributes and many more in many sets of  scriptures with a specific color for a  decade at least.  Doing this is suppose to make your faith grow in God and His Son.  Also, I had been collecting my blessings, by having them recorded, transcribed, etc.  As the years increased I had a total of 17 promises of marriage and family and I began to believe in my evidences that could not be seen,  at the same time being OK with it not happening in this life.  Another strange dichotomy.  Hebrews 11:1,  Helaman 5: 50

Here I was again, in 2012, with the same issue.  I felt as if I could not trust and rely on those promises any longer.  I needed new ones.  I was growing my faith once again from the start. The seed was that one promise in the patriarchal blessing and I needed other evidences to make my faith sure. However with the many blessings I received since leaving WA, NONE said anything about marriage and family.  It has burdened me greatly.  I do not know what to have faith in, what to hope for, where to put my focus, what to do. I needed HELP!  I even went to my bishop about getting a second patriarchal blessing. My grandmother had her second one years ago. 

I'm driving to my mom's house and the thought comes to me about Abraham and Sarah. I had always puzzled at Abraham going to sacrafice Isaac because:
1. He himself was on an altar ready to be sacrificed but was rescued by Jehovah (Abraham 1:7, 12, 16)
2. He had been so faithful in waiting for Isaac to be born- a long hard wait- that in and of itself a trial of faith and the promised birthright son had come and in him was all the blessings and covenants going to be fulfilled. 

I learned a few years ago, (pre-Jason) how and why Abraham could have that kind of faith.
1. Abraham KNEW GOD, spoke with him face to face (Abraham 3:11), and he trusted him.
2. Abraham  had seen his day (John 8:56) and knew that God was able to raise him from the dead (Hebrews 11: 17-19
3.  Abraham himself had been rescued, perhaps Isaac would be rescued too.  (speculation)

See, not being married and having children was my Abrahamic trial.  It was.  It really was.  And I found myself again experiences the same trial and test.  I was sarcastic and bitter as I had been. I  started to wonder if Abraham and Sarah had put time limits on the Lord as I was doing. Did they still believe at 40, at 50, at 60, at 70 that Isaac would come and then to go and kill the fulfillment of prophecy, their miracle, their blessing? 

I knew that I could not put time limits on God either. I would need to trust in his timing, just as Neal A. Maxwell had said was included with faith.

Perhaps my ram in the thicket will come, perhaps not. Perhaps I, like the early saints need to be tried even as Abraham.  (D&C 101:4)  The faithful become the seed of Abraham (D&C 138: 41) and I want the Celestial Kingdom, so I am working on waiting on the Lord and having faith.  In the mean time, regardless of what happens, if I become a wife and mother in this life or not I have a plan.  It is a traveling plan based on my love of animals. I'm hoping this will give me some motivation to not spend.  

I want to go to: 
1. The Okaniwa Acquarium to see Whale Sharks

2. The Guadalapos Island to see these: 

3. Australia to see some of these creatures. 

That is living Jason, not going to movies or drinking Starbucks hot chocolates!

Anniversaries

There are a lot of anniversaries associated with my marriage and divorce to Jason.

• May 14 and 15 2011 is when I left Washington. 

• August 5th 2011 divorce final. 

• January 2012 I finally stopped talking to him on the phone.  I wish I had stopped much sooner.  Everyone told me to, but I felt bad for him.  I was thinking he might be my only chance at marriage.  It was that one counselor here that caused me to finally do it.  The first time I met with him as I told him everything he said: "Cease and Desist"  and that was that.  I went home and blocked him.  Life got better after that. 

Two of these first anniversaries are over and I'm glad.  It will get easier and easier the further away it becomes.  While I have the debt he left me to always remind me and keep me from spending money on happier things, I hope that the credit cards will be done by the 5th anniversary.  Due to the generous birthday gift I was able finish paying off one. Three left.  That will be the year (5 years after) I could be an ordinance worker again if I wanted to.  I'm sure by then, the emotions will be in the past, gone and dead. They still come up and not everything is tied to him.  There are other people involved too, but it continues to get better.

The Titanic and Our Iceburgs

symbolic of pride

This spoke to me. 
I've hit my own ice berg. 

His name is Jason and he left me to sink. 
 

On the 100th anniversary of the sinking of the unsinkable Titanic, the world is abuzz with Life Lessons using the Titanic as the object lesson or Metaphor for such rewarding opportunities to ponder "What If?" or  looking back asking, "What would I have done?' or 'How could I learn from this tragedy, even 100 years later?"

Humility would be a good starter lesson:  She was labeled 'unsinkable'!  And because she was, certain precautions were not taken.  Speed, insufficient life boats, safety procedures are just a few symptoms of the arrogance that accompanies Pride when one thinks they are 'unsinkable'.  

Goliath should have won his battle with his small 'iceberg' but he took for granted his size and 'unsinkableness'  and his Pride and Arrogance were his undoing.

David, should have learned from the down fall of Goliath but instead he perpetuated the 'unsinkable'  attitude and lingered on the balcony instead of running like his cousin Joseph of Egypt.  

I recently read the farewell words of one of our missionary assistants where he acclaimed his 'unsinkable'  testimony, but reading his words 25 years later was with great sadness as I know from his family that he has abandoned both his family and his church.   He found his iceberg and it took him down.  

I met just today with a wonderful and faithful latter-day Saints mother who, along with her husband, did all the expected LDS things with her family during the growing up years; church, scouting, early morning seminary, family home evening, family prayer, positive attitude, scripture reading...and with confidence they believed their kids to be 'unsinkable' only to watch some of them leave home and sink as they ran into the icebergs of education before they could get planted in the mission field.   They grieve and wonder what more they could have done to 'warn'  of the frozen waters and icebergs they were surely going to face?  They are not alone as they ask the "What if..."  questions.  

This nation,  the greatest ever 'born',  has been a beacon of hope for the world and for the last 60 years, she seemed unsinkable.  A Land of Opportunity.  A land of hope for anyone who with some education, a Christian set of values and the desire to 'get up early and work hard'  could 'find their oil'  and take it to the bank.  An unstoppable formula for success.   But we have scrapped up against some icebergs along the way, punctured our armor and are heading for the 'big one' because we have let Pride and our Arrogance lead us to believe that 'there is an easier way to  live the American Dream.  We don't have to get up as early or work as hard and worst of all, many now believe that the American Dream is an ENTITLEMENT. Our leader smirks and makes light of our massive and unstoppable debt and preaches the doctrine of 'fairness'  that he says will fix the leaks and tells us the 'big one'  ahead is not so big and for us to TRUST him and he will lead us to the promised land where we can all enjoy the beach. The scary part is that many are 'dancing on the deck'  while the double walls have been breached and icy water is slowing sinking the ship. 

I'm so thankful for my parents who poured the foundation of 'getting up early and hard work'; a pre-mission education with an Institute across the street to keep some balance in my 'pursuit of education'; a mission president who gave me the rest of the formula for success;  a wife who was grounded in the things that mattered most and wanted nothing else in her life;  an opportunity to be mentored by humble, but successful people who knew where the icebergs were and kept me focused on a course to avoid them.   Take anyone of those 'pieces' of my life away and there is a incredible chance my ship too would have sunk before it got through the ice fields of life. My early Foundation, my Mission and the Formula for Success, my Education, my Spouse, my Family, my Mentors, the Books I read, the Callings we've accepted, the Invitations we've received, the Failures we experienced and even the Successes we have had - each has played a significant part in providing the radar defense to warn of impending doom ahead - icebergs if you will - and have helped us steer clear of those dangers.

1,500 people died 100 years ago as a reminder to me, my family and to my friends that there is danger ahead and if the warnings are ignored they will certainly sink any ship that arrogantly believes they can move forward, full steam ahead, oblivious of the destruction that await us. 

I'm fearful that too many of us are, like David,  watching from the safety of our balcony, the majesty of a rapidly approaching iceberg and not realizing that what we see is only the tip and before we know it, it  could be too late and as the band plays on we might not get a seat on one of the few life boats.   

Thankfully most of us who are reading this are not like David, but are more like Joseph and have put on our running shoes, swim suit and thermals and are already sitting in one of the lifeboats and will enjoy the orchestra music as we are lowered into the sea and will safely await the Rescue.  And thankfully there is still time to get more into the lifeboats and to find a new captain who knows what's ahead. 

Man the Lifeboats...

Bro Jim (A church member in Hawaii that served with my Uncle and Uunt Mckell on their mission to BYU-Hawaii) 

Jason 101

For those of you who have not met Jason here is a little about him:

1. Jason loves mushrooms. He puts them in spaghetti sauce, and always gets the mushroom burger at burger joints we eat at.
2. Jason loves Twislers. He will not eat Red Vines. Twislers only!
3. Jason grew up in central Illinois and those mid-westerns love their Miracle Whip. Jason is no different. He does not eat mayonnaise, just Miracle Whip and a lot of it!
4. Jason loves to watch sci-fi movies and TV shows.
5. Jason has a Kawazaki ZX1400 motorcycle in blue, with one red rim. He can go 200 miles an hour on that thing! He drag races it too.
6. Jason is really good at sharing his faith with others- everywhere- including Starbucks- where he gets his hot chocolate, not his coffee.
7. Jason likes to make up songs (just like me). But his we can't usually share, if you know what I mean.
8. Jason is good at making me laugh. I don't know how his brain comes up with the stuff that he does, but it's usually pretty good.
9. Jason loves to go visit the ocean.
10. Jason loves to take naps.
11. Jason can cook.
12. Jason likes to be in shape and work out at the gym.
13. Jason is often helping others.
14. Jason likes to go camping.
15. Jason has a big voice. He loves to sing and we will one day get him voice lessons as he has a lot of potential!
16. Jason is very affectionate- at least towards me.
17. Jason is a good friend to others.
18. Jason loves chocolate and can eat a whole chocolate cake by himself in 15 hours!
19. Jason favorite drink is Mountain Dew. I wish we had stock in that company!
20. Jason has righteous desires and wants to be a better person.
21. Jason is a country boy at heart. He has a YeeHaw that is extremely loud!
22. Jason loves dogs and all animals (just like me).

As you can see from the picture, he's a stud!

Drag Racing at Pacific Raceways

Last Saturday I saw Jason race his motorcycle for the first time. We had just driven down to Portland to pick up his bike after having it "race ready". I had never been to one of these, and it was pretty cool.



















Jason is lining up getting ready to race. He's the one on the right with the blue bike. A Kawasaki ZX 1400- which means it goes really fast- up to 200 miles an hour and weights almost 600 lbs. Oct 08 the bike did a wheel hop and when the back tire touched the ground it flipped all the way over on top of him and landed right on his chest. He took a deep breathe, rolled over and stood up. Everyone said he should be dead. He's not afraid of anything, except not living the commandments.


















Here he is next in line ready to go. I took a video of the whole race with our new camera, but I haven't figured how to down load that yet.


















Along with motorcycles there are many different kinds of cars racing! Check a few of these out!

Check out this Hummer! It has a hydrolic lift kit so it can raise up and down.















There are literally rows and rows of trailers and campers with people that make this a life style. People bring dogs, babies, lawn chairs and sit out and eat and talk. It's fun!



















Ever see a car pop a wheelie? This was at the start of this guys' race!


















This guy had the whole front off of his car!


















Crazy stuff! This is called a bar bike. It has wheelie bars that stick off the back of it.



















I saw this souped up Model T race and an old 1950's station wagon too.
It's VERY LOUD there. Most have ear plugs in or ear muffs- not the fuzzy kind!


















The race is just 1/4 of a mile long and at the end each side as a score board with the time and how fast they were going.


















The racing goes on for hours. Lots of waiting. Here's what it looks like in the dark. Picture is complete with smoke from heating their tires up so they can get better traction.

What's great is that although this is a competition, the people are not competitive and very friendly. Jason is friends with those he races with. One man was 69 years old and another was still in his 20's. I sat next to the younger man's wife and friends. They brought chicken wings and pasta salad and shared.


















Here's the 2 of us during a fun night! You can see how much weight the 2 of us have gained together. Jason is up to 244 and Me????? - well, wouldn't you like to know?

Halloween Weekend

A little blurry- but you can see that Grace is an elephant, Caleb is Frankeinstien, Spencer is bat, Ryan is Hobbs, and Emily is a bee. Maggie the Bassett hound is a butterfly.

It's always fun to the with kids on Halloween. I like the way Sarah handles the candy. It all goes into one big bowl and we all share with 100 % control by the adults. None of that "that's mine" and someone eating theirs all up first and then being mad that someone else has a lot left.

Perkins Family Pumpkins

Jason and I drove down to Vancouver WA for the Halloween Weekend so he could meet some family. My sister Sarah and her family live there and my brother Karl lives in Hillsboro OR. I wanted to see the kids in their costumes and Jason wanted to go to Mulitnomah Falls together. Here are some pic's of the weekend.

I was putting on Graces diaper for bed the first night and Grace proceeded to tell me that Me, Mommy and Daddy were all nice and wiped her bottom, but Jason was mean. She had not interacted with him yet at all.

In church on Sunday Grace sat right in his lap and started playing with him. She was pulling his tie and such and it was getting a little crazy so he tried to get her to stop by play bitting her like a bear. She said "Don't eat Becky, Don't eat Becky!"

After church we had the 3 youngest climbed up all around and on us. It was pretty fun.

Jason is great with kids.

Bainbridge or Bremerton?

Seattle is to the right of this map. The dotted lines are the ferry routes. Find Bremerton- through a straight and then go North. You'll find Bainbridge.

Jason and I went on a day trip to the Islands. Jason had never been on a ferry. We decided to go and find our honey moon cabin that we will stay in for 2 nights after the wedding and reception Friday night. I think that was a good idea. We don't want to get lost on the way there. We'll be anxious to get there. :) I'm the one that booked the place and I usually travel on the Bremerton Ferry headed to Bremerton as it's a short ride and my friend Rebecca lives there. It's also where the Navel Base is. We drove on the Bremerton Ferry and drove off about an hour latter, drove up the mail street, got a map at the gas station and then tried to find this cabin on he water. We called the lady who owns the place and she told us directions. None of them matched! I couldn't find anything that looked the same. It was then that I realized we were on the WRONG ISLAND! We were suppose to go to Bainbride Island, not Bremerton. Luckily Rebecca was at home and she gave us driving directions to get there. The great thing was Jason did not get upset at all. Not an i-o-ta! We found the little place by driving where we will spend the first 2 days of our married life. It's cute. Can't wait!

I'd never been to the expensive high class town of Eagledale with cute shops on Bainbridge. Bremerton is not like that at all. Jason wants to live there and he thinks he's ok with the commute. I'm not ok with the commute or the housing prices there!

Jason A Mason

I'm getting married in November to Jason Alan Mason. Jason is a brick mason and construction guy. He has blue eyes, is almost 6 feet tall, is buff and the kindest, gentlest, loving man I've ever met.

The old High Counselor that I worked with in the single adult program emailed me about him. He's a new convert and needs friends, he said. I asked if he was 'normal'. He is and very good looking too! We talked on the phone a few times before meeting in public at the single adult Ensign Ranch Family Camp out Labor day weekend. Our eyes connected and stopped us both in our tracks as I walked around the parameter. I shook it off as and told myself I didn't know him.

Later he came up to me and said "I know you. You're Becky". I was speechless and didn't know what to say. We danced a few times. I was able to introduce him to my sister and brother who were also there and he gave me a side hug that night.

After that he proceeded to chase me, calling me on my way home from the camp out. We didn't go out till the next sat after stake conference. He took me to The Cheese Cake Factory one of his favorite places. We talked about marriage, babies, how we wanted our life, etc. It was weird for a first date. I thought he was going to try to kiss me and I wasn't going to let him.

The second weekend after meeting him, both of us went to Astoria Oregon for a SA conference. We went in separate cars, but spent most of our time together. It was there that he held my hand for the first time as we walked on the beach.

I had concerns at first about how long he'd been a member- just a few months and that he'd been married a couple times. But with one prayer asking what I should feel and what I should do, peace came over me and I then I asked him about his past, he sat me down and told me. It was then that I wanted to kiss him and it seems like we haven't stopped since. I no longer have any reservations at all. I trust him completely.

I told him I hadn't been kissed for a LONG time and that I didn't remember how. I was right! For 2 weeks he kissed me while I was a bad kisser, but I finally got the hang of it.

One of our best dates was a motorcycle ride up to Snoqualmie Falls, dinner at a Mexican restaurant, and then 3rd row tickets, right in the middle of the theater for Wicked! It was so awesome. I was so excited for days before and days after! It was just great and he did a lot of work to get those tickets on such late notice. I was so happy that he did such a nice thing for me. We went to Alki Beach in West Seattle afterwords.

I found out later that Jason had thought that a friend would introduce him to his next 'girl'. He also prayed for a girl with short blond hair, brown eyes, athletic build, and small breasts! His prayers were answered! In a lot of ways Jason is just what I need in a man. While he doesn't have all the usual things on the list, like being an RM, knowing the scriptures, etc, he is what I need and he will get a knowledge of the scriptures and everything else that goes with that.

Jason has 2 kids. Megan is 21 and Ben is 17. They both live with their mom in Illinois.

We will be starting our life together on Nov 20th 2009!