A Trial of Faith

You know that Preach My Gospel attribute questionnaire?  We'll I did it today and I only wanted to answer 15 of the 57 statements.  You rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 5 on faith, hope, charity and love, virtue, knowledge, patience, humility, diligence and obedience.  I've done it in RS a few times in the past and even at home and normally it's filled out completely, with mostly fours and fives.  1 means never and 5 means always. If you'd like to do it yourself click here, then go to page 126. 

I've had a difficult month the last four or so weeks.  I've cried most of the way home from work some days,  thinking that if the next 40 years is anything like the last (almost) 40 years then forget it.

I've had a few blessings from Mike my brother in law.  One said that my financial problems were a trial of my faith.  That surprised me when he said it.  The one he gave me most recently told me to fast, pray, attend the temple and most likely  read the scriptures.  Most of my endowed life I've gone to the temple every week or at least every 10 days.  But here, it's been only monthly or longer. I've made a concerted effort to increase in that.  I went Saturday and as the time was getting closer, I found myself not wanting to go.  I told Heavenly Father that I was going out of obedience and duty.  That's all he could expect from me that day.

In he temple as soon as the lights went off I broke into tears. Then when it was over and we were all to head to the veil, I broke down again.  I was in the last row this time so lots of time to wait.   It was serious crying and one sister sitting next to me grabbed me including my face and held me to her.  She just let me cry.  The sister on the other side put her hand on my arm and cried with me.   It was just what I needed.  None of them asked me in the Celestial Room what was wrong, they just said they hopped it got better.  Other women gave me hugs  and said they were praying for me.

The beginning of this week, when my pay check was SO low, due to a week of spring break I was looking at my bank account and when I was almost done, the pains in my chest started again. There was a direct correlation for the first time.  It was due to stress.

The single adult scene is so stupid here.  There has been some very high school stuff going on with people in their 30's and 40's.   I realized that If I ever want that to improve  my social life I'll have to move to another area where it has a higher population.  But then I also realized that if I won't be getting married it doesn't matter where I live. The problem is I have no definitive answer, no pre-knowledge.  In my logical moments, when I'm not crying  I think that I need to find something to bring me happiness if not. But in my tears I think who cares.  I can just be a social recluse and hibernate in my home.

Today I got this terrible hair cut for 11 dollars at Great Cuts- you know that cheep place they don't even wash your hair, just spray it down with a water bottle.   I just feel like I'll never be pretty again and why even try.  Things don't look good from any angel (as explained above). 


I'm still angry at Jason and the Twitchell's for how STUPID they have all been. I'm in this butt load of crap and Jason just leaves every marriage with nothing and starts over again, not having to pay any one anything. I can try and get a lawyer and garnish his wages or unemployment.  Other than that I can do NOTHING but sit here and suffer and keep going on because what else am I going to do.

Why did Heavenly Father give me this life.  I know I screwed up by getting sexually involved with Jason and then marrying him, but before.... As my counselor (named Jason) told me with my years of  singleness, loneliness it's almost like I had to.  But the 20 years before all this.  Those disabilities haven't helped either. And they were disabling.  

The other thing is that I don't enjoy my job.  I get involved with the kids in the classroom that I'm not suppose to and then I get SO frustrated  with them for being SO STUPID, SO DISOBEDIENT.  I just want to spank them, to hit them on the head with an empty water bottle.  I want to tell them they they will be lucky if they aren't pregnant by the time they are 13, or that they most likely  will be gay, or that they have learning disabilities, or squeeze their cheeks and tell them everything I think of them, or that they wear their closes so low I can see their butt crack every day or where that style came from and what it means to be on the "down low". But I don't, because I know I can't, that it's wrong and that I'd loose my job.   But do you see what a bad state I'm in?  I don't feel this way all the time, but sometimes, like today, I even cried about it at recess when no one could see me.

So the list of things that are bad, go to my looks, my health, my job, my lack of a support system, etc. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.  It may take 9 years to get out of debt completely. NINE YEARS!  

How does one go to school to change their career when one can't afford to pay her bills? I don't even know what I should do- that is feasible in the beginning and in the end.

I just don't have the motivation for exercise.

I'm teaching the 16 year old's in Sunday School, and I've taught a few FHE lessons that were stimulating (compared to others).  

Some day I suppose this will all get better and I'll actually like myself and my life and I will be able to answer all the 57 attributes with 4's and 5's,  but for now I just try to keep my head out of water.

Crossing Paths and Heavenly Fathers Hand

At Ricks College (now BYU-Idaho) There was this girl in my dorm named Rebecca. I knew who she was, but we never spoke. Fast forward about 8 years and there she is in Kirkland WA at a party I was at. We became fast friends and went on near and far trips together.

My second year at Ricks there was Julie. She now lives down the street from my sister Sarah and they both have 5 kids the same age. I get to see her when I come visit too.

I can think of many times when visiting family I have run into people I knew from Ricks and Utah State and some of them have been able to come and visit me here in Seattle.

Then at Utah State there was Christy. We lived in the round house together for a year. She came with me to Reno NV to interview for a job that I ended up getting. Fast forward 10 plus years and she moves to Kirkland WA with her family. So far we have visited once a year. We need to visit more.

Then there is Amy in CA. That first Sunday in my young single ward where I moved for my new job, Amy invited me over to her house for dinner. I met her mom. She left on a mission and I wrote her. Fast forward and she gets married and moves to WA. She has lived in 3 different cities here, but twice now we have been in the same stake. Her mom even asks about me when she visits.

Amazing how paths cross. But also amazing how friends and blessings happen.

Take for instance my 11 month stint in northern CA. My tin man first car broke down in Placerville CA on the freeway. Who stopped by, but a nice man who had that celestial smile under his white shirt. He was LDS. I stayed for a few days at his house with his family until I got a new used car. Then latter in the year, I needed cheaper rent, so I moved into their garage for a few months. A blessing! I knew from that, that Heavenly Father was involved in my life and taking care of me. My dad flew in one weekend for support through a hard time and he was able to stay at their house too.

Also in CA, I met a friend named Julie. While we were friends for only a few sort months, I flew all the way to Washington DC for her wedding. We have continued to stay in touch over the years- it's been over a decade- through letters, phone calls and emails. She has been a great help with life challenges.

I also met Jason who even when he was first married was a support to me.

Crazy that such a short time in CA brought so many friends!

I've seen it here too. Casual friends with Cheryl in the Bellevue 8th ward led to a job working for Carly and her 3 autistic boys which led to working for Special Care Agency for 2 plus years. Carly made the cheese cakes for my wedding. During a hiatus from that agency I had lots of different jobs that kept the money flowing. Then I had a plan that I blogged about and with in 45 minutes it all fell through. I didn't know what to do. I went to LDS employment, then a few days latter the temple, where I ran into a Sunday School teacher who felt inspired to tell me that I should call LDS employment. I had received a call from there earlier that day and needed to call back. I did and just a half hour before a woman who had gone to my high school and we both grew up in the same stake had called needing someone who had my skills. I worked for over a year for Amy and her family. She took the pictures for my wedding and found me a place for the wedding and reception that was affordable.

I can think of many times while visiting family in Utah or other states that I have run into people I have known during college days or my mission. I have many other friends who I value and visit when ever possible because they add so much to my life. The LDS world is small and for that I'm thankful.

Then there is Emma. I prayed for her. I lived in this small town that was 84% Hispanic. I was a minority and had a teaching job I didn't apply for. I hated it and was pretty lonely. We became fast friends. Again another short 11 months of a handful of friends in the ward and Donna. Amazing!

I would be reminisce if I didn't mention Janea. Friends in HS, went to Ricks at the same time, I visited her at USU before her mission. I went to school there and when she came back we lived together. Now we are both in WA again. She has gotten me through some hard times.

This post was suppose to be about just 2 or 3 people, but look what happened when I started to remember. I am so thankful for all of them and it's so nice to know they are there when I need them.

Friends and blessings came when I needed them. Thank you Heavenly Father.