The Power of Friends

Last 2 nights in Nampa in my cute blue house with 3 bedrooms, new carpet, new kitchen appliances, new bathroom vanity and cabinet mirror. Nampa with family and friends and neighbors near by, and a dog park. Moving to Twin Falls to ugly, 2 bedroom, old kitchen appliances and cabinets, strange carpet and layout, and more rent, but a garage when it snows and a temple that is open, but no friends.

I've been crying a lot lately about this move. Being away from people and the change in houses are my NOW issues. But of course their is also the other eternal stuff. Am I a looser? Why is my life going like this? Why can't I have my righteous desires? Will I ever be with anyone else or just stay single and alone for forever. I've been telling Heavenly Father that if I still have blessings of a husband and children allotted (Alma 29)to me, if it's at all possible, even though I messed things up, can I please have them. Please. I know I'm overweight, and have ugly legs and arms and a fat stomach, but my insides are pretty good most of the time. The being alone is the worry part of my being right now.

I read this earlier today via E-mail. It feels right, so I'm sharing it.

They Teach It at Stanford :

"I just finished taking an evening class at Stanford. The last lecture was on the mind-body connection - the relationship between stress and disease. The speaker (head of psychiatry at Stanford) said, among other things, that one of the best things that a man could do for his health is to be married to a woman, whereas for a woman, one of the best things she could do for her health was to nurture her relationships with her girlfriends. At first everyone laughed, but he was serious. Women connect with each other differently and provide support systems that help each other to deal with stress and difficult life experiences. Physically this quality "girlfriend time" helps us to create more serotonin - a neurotransmitter that helps combat depression and can create a general feeling of well being. Women share feelings whereas men often form relationships around activities. They rarely sit down with a buddy and talk about how they feel about certain things or how their personal lives are going. Jobs? Yes. Sports? Yes. Cars? Yes. Fishing, hunting, golf? Yes. But their feelings? Rarely. Women do it all of the time. We share from our souls with our sisters/mothers, and evidently that is very good for our health. He said that spending time with a friend is just as important to our general health as jogging or working out at a gym. There's a tendency to think that when we are "exercising" we are doing something good for our bodies, but when we are hanging out with friends, we are wasting our time and should be more productively engaged - not true. In fact, he said that failure to create and maintain quality personal relationships with other humans is as dangerous to our physical health as smoking! So every time you hang out to schmooze with a gal pal, just pat yourself on the back and congratulate yourself for doing something good for your health! We are indeed very, very lucky. So let's toast to our friendship with our girlfriends. Evidently it's very good for our health."

Instead of coming home to my place of boxes, that my mom has been packing I went straight to my friend Beverley's. It's been over a week since I've seen her and we used to call or visit daily. She has 2 dogs too, and a cat. I hung out with her for 2 hours, watching Gray's Anatomy and Dr. Oz and eating apple slices and bagels with melted cheese. When I drove away I felt so good. So filled up. It was so good to hang out and be and talk about men and their diseases. When I read that little email it felt right. Right and good. And then I had an experience with it and it's true. It's really true.

Reality and Fears

There have been a few times when I've cried at work. Sometimes my clients notice, sometimes they don't. The sadness about my life can be overwhelming and I feel as though I screwed it up badly and it can't be fixed completely, but I don't know for sure. Here's why I feel this way.

The biggest reason is that I screed it up. It's my fault. I knew better, but I did wrong anyway. Jason and I were very intimate with each other before me got married. We didn't go 'all the way'. Our dating life consisted of movies, food and nakedness. We got some advice to marry rather than break my covenants. So we did. This is difficult for me because of 2 blessings I've had in the past, one being my patriarchal blessing that says this: A young man will come into your life to help you in the teachings of your children and through his love will help you develop some of your greater attributes. That's all it says about a man. I always thought it was a pretty good sentence. There's a whole paragraph about children. Two years before I got married I got a blessing from Jeff Thompson, my seminary teacher of 4 years, my friends father and his wife was my merry miss teacher and YW president. He gives amazing blessings that are often prophetic. This one that is 2.5 pages typed out single spaced (we always record them) said: "He(the Lord) will not allow you to fail in anyway; as long as you continue to work diligently to live the commandments to do those things that you have been placed here to do. ... You still have the opportunity to one day be sealed to a worthy husband".

To read about WHY we should stay morally clean before marriage read this- it's great!

I feel as if I failed, that I screwed up the plan. I know he knows the end from the beginning and perhaps this is part of the path, or that he knew what I'd do. The difficulty is knowing that the pains that I'm suffering now are due to my sins. There is so much that is tied to this, that I just don't know how to take any of those blessings any more. There are no men in my life that give those kinds of blessings anymore. I want one so badly. Some sort of message of sins forgiven or will be forgiven, that those things can still be achieved or if I ruined it. Some guidance and direction of what I should do, where I should head, what I should focus on.

I went to a few single adult activities recently and the ratios are terrible. One fireside had 25 women and 3 men. Another activity was more like 50 women and 12 men. There are women much prettier than me. They are thinner, have longer hair and their faces are pretty. will I ever have a chance to be married again? Doesn't look like it. It's depressing to think that I could possibly be single for the rest of my life, not ever be a mother and fulfill the measure of my creation.

I will need to find a way to support myself for the rest of my life. My family has helped me out so much, I don't know that I can say I've ever done it completely on my own. When mom is gone who will I call just to talk to, or go to for money when I'm desperately in need and can't do it myself? I can probably forget about traveling. I will have to find a way to be happy being single again, to find fulfillment in my life. I will be the single woman who most will think I never married, although I did and he still wants me. Will I regret leaving? Will there always be this feeling over my head of what I did, what I didn't do and how I screwed it up. How will feel about myself?

One other thing is the loss of friends. I left the area I've lived as a child/teenager for 10 years and then anther 10 as an adult, with about 10 in between the 2.

Often it's overwhelming and I beg for mercy, for help,and relief from the Master himself.

But all I can do is this:

Crossing Paths and Heavenly Fathers Hand

At Ricks College (now BYU-Idaho) There was this girl in my dorm named Rebecca. I knew who she was, but we never spoke. Fast forward about 8 years and there she is in Kirkland WA at a party I was at. We became fast friends and went on near and far trips together.

My second year at Ricks there was Julie. She now lives down the street from my sister Sarah and they both have 5 kids the same age. I get to see her when I come visit too.

I can think of many times when visiting family I have run into people I knew from Ricks and Utah State and some of them have been able to come and visit me here in Seattle.

Then at Utah State there was Christy. We lived in the round house together for a year. She came with me to Reno NV to interview for a job that I ended up getting. Fast forward 10 plus years and she moves to Kirkland WA with her family. So far we have visited once a year. We need to visit more.

Then there is Amy in CA. That first Sunday in my young single ward where I moved for my new job, Amy invited me over to her house for dinner. I met her mom. She left on a mission and I wrote her. Fast forward and she gets married and moves to WA. She has lived in 3 different cities here, but twice now we have been in the same stake. Her mom even asks about me when she visits.

Amazing how paths cross. But also amazing how friends and blessings happen.

Take for instance my 11 month stint in northern CA. My tin man first car broke down in Placerville CA on the freeway. Who stopped by, but a nice man who had that celestial smile under his white shirt. He was LDS. I stayed for a few days at his house with his family until I got a new used car. Then latter in the year, I needed cheaper rent, so I moved into their garage for a few months. A blessing! I knew from that, that Heavenly Father was involved in my life and taking care of me. My dad flew in one weekend for support through a hard time and he was able to stay at their house too.

Also in CA, I met a friend named Julie. While we were friends for only a few sort months, I flew all the way to Washington DC for her wedding. We have continued to stay in touch over the years- it's been over a decade- through letters, phone calls and emails. She has been a great help with life challenges.

I also met Jason who even when he was first married was a support to me.

Crazy that such a short time in CA brought so many friends!

I've seen it here too. Casual friends with Cheryl in the Bellevue 8th ward led to a job working for Carly and her 3 autistic boys which led to working for Special Care Agency for 2 plus years. Carly made the cheese cakes for my wedding. During a hiatus from that agency I had lots of different jobs that kept the money flowing. Then I had a plan that I blogged about and with in 45 minutes it all fell through. I didn't know what to do. I went to LDS employment, then a few days latter the temple, where I ran into a Sunday School teacher who felt inspired to tell me that I should call LDS employment. I had received a call from there earlier that day and needed to call back. I did and just a half hour before a woman who had gone to my high school and we both grew up in the same stake had called needing someone who had my skills. I worked for over a year for Amy and her family. She took the pictures for my wedding and found me a place for the wedding and reception that was affordable.

I can think of many times while visiting family in Utah or other states that I have run into people I have known during college days or my mission. I have many other friends who I value and visit when ever possible because they add so much to my life. The LDS world is small and for that I'm thankful.

Then there is Emma. I prayed for her. I lived in this small town that was 84% Hispanic. I was a minority and had a teaching job I didn't apply for. I hated it and was pretty lonely. We became fast friends. Again another short 11 months of a handful of friends in the ward and Donna. Amazing!

I would be reminisce if I didn't mention Janea. Friends in HS, went to Ricks at the same time, I visited her at USU before her mission. I went to school there and when she came back we lived together. Now we are both in WA again. She has gotten me through some hard times.

This post was suppose to be about just 2 or 3 people, but look what happened when I started to remember. I am so thankful for all of them and it's so nice to know they are there when I need them.

Friends and blessings came when I needed them. Thank you Heavenly Father.