The Snow in Idaho

 

Dec 2012 turned out to be a wintery month in Idaho.  The paw prints are on my front porch in Twin Falls before Christmas. 

My car at mom's in Meridian.  Just fluff- no scrapping. 

 

My favorite-icicles on my home in Twin Falls. 

 Jan 2013. 

 Icicles remind me of Minnesota- but they were MUCH bigger there. 

 

I love that there are icicles on this tree! 

Coco loves the snow.  He loves to play in it and the first thing he does when he goes out is eat it! 

This is a great tongue shot I got of him.
These were taken in Meridian  at my mom's.

Idaho Dislike and the Single Adults in Twin.

I figured out why I've been so disgruntled, even angry about Idaho.  It's the complete opposite of the Western Washington I lived in. 

I come from Millionaire land- literally. Many members of my ward were millionaires, they owned million and 2 million dollar homes. If they weren't millionaires they were pretty darn close to it.  Lots of people making 6 digits and often a few times over.  If both couples made that much then..well you get the idea.  The CEO of Expedia and was in the bishopric.  Other CEO's and other jobs of those in leadership positions and not in leadership positions had a lot of money. 

Almost all 274 people of my HS graduating class went to college- 16% of Idaho HS students graduate with even an AA or 4 year degree.

While I love all the animals around here: goats, sheep, cows, horses, chickens, etc.  I seriously can't stand the  stupidity of the people.  In Idaho a subsitute teacher only needs to have a HS diploma.  Of course the bigger cities want you to have a college degree- but not necessarily in teaching. In the small towns that leaves for some lame teachers- who can't tell time on the face clock or don't know what the word "soot" is or how to say it, who don't like reading out loud, who think Columbus rowed his way to America! Ya- rowed.  The best part?  The lady who believed that has and AA degree.

I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but honestly..... it made me want to scream sometimes.

I received a Christmas present each year from the ward, usually just a picture of the temple or the years theme- not in Idaho. Got nothing. Often the RS did the same thing- a gift for Christmas and in those presidencies where they were creative and crafty a birthday gift too. Real gifts. In Idaho nothing.

Dog parks can be found in nearly EVERY city.  Seattle of course has more than 2.  Seattle and Mercer Island has a dog park on the lakes- which means swimming for the dogs. Merymoor Park has a 42 acre park with a river flowing through it with at least 3 openings for the dogs to go swim.   Twin is having to raise money- thousands of dollars for one.  Hardly anyone knows that when you take a dog to a dog park you MUST take them off leash.  That is the point!  It's neutral territory so no feelings of protecting their property and keeping them on leash leaves them less able to protect themselves and gives them the feelings of needing to protect YOU!  I'd talked to so many people  about the dog park and they won't even try! There are lame laws and lame people with the farmer mentality- keep them in a cage or in the back yard.  They know nothing of REAL dog needs or care.

Twin Falls has nearly NO single adult program to be spoken of.  Sure if your a senior citizen life is good, but not for the mid-singles. There are 3 stakes in Twin alone.  2 stakes were having dinners once a month and a speaker afterwords. My stake did nothing. I went and spoke to the stake president. WA has a SUPER program.  Check out the stuff going on there.

Now lets talk about the license plates here.  Every 7 years you have to give them back and get a new one.  And ya you have to buy it!  In WA you can have your license plate for 20 plus years. Why would anyone need to change?  Stupid.  I'm gonna guess it's about making money for the state. 

Lack of a SA program and lack of men is a problem.  The men around here work at dairy farms, cheese or yogurt factories and think it's great if they make 50K a year.  Really?  Really. I'm used to men that work at Microsoft or Expedia or Boeing some other big companies.

I've traveled the world.  Granted it's been to no Asian countries or anything south of Panama, but I have my dreams.  Idahoans think they are cool if they have been to other states.

Lots of hunters here, lots of guns and cowboy boots.  I sort of freaked out when a 8 year old told me he was shooting guns.  Ya, ya can't do that in the cities. 

I try to explain to even college educated been around the clock and when I mention millionaires their eyes get big.  I've just learned to lower my expectations about everything. 

Regardless of my stake now working on a SA program- once a month family activity for all ages at no cost to them, it will make no difference for me in the men area.  There is only a dance one a year around here, not every weekend like in WA. Firesides are just a stake president speaking, not Harvard professors or other extraordinary topics.  It's just a fireside- just come- no topic info.  It's been frustrating, but I have to except it.  It is what it is. I have no way of changing it.  They can only do what they do.

As I look at pictures for WA there is rain forest, mountains, oceans, lakes (two 5 min from my old house),and deep forests, islands, and ferries,  I went to flat land and if you want anything fun- you have to drive at least 45 min to 2 to 5 hours or more to get anywhere and honestly- there is not much that can compare.  If it does- it's on a MUCH smaller scale.  For someone who has been to Europe, Israel, and 2/3 of the states, while this farm land is quaint, it's not impressive. 

Gooding Idaho

Gooding is the town I work in.  The school mascot is "Senator" and here is why:  The town of Gooding was established in 1907 on 160 acres owned by Frank R. Gooding, a former Governor and Senator in Idaho.  Its population was 3,384 at the 2000 census.

The Mascot

There is the public school which includes a HS with a entire size of a little over 300 (just a tad over my graduating class of 274).  Across the street is the middles school and elementary.  While there is separate entrances to the schools, it is housed in the same building and they share an office. 

The front of the HS

Gooding is also where one of the offices of the agency I work for is located, so that makes it convenient for going to staff meetings every 2 weeks.

Gooding also had a charter school there that wears uniforms.

The Blind and Deaf School

Gooding is also home to the States Blind and Deaf School.

Gooding also offers, a police department, an airport, a golf course, a substance abuse treatment center, a bowling alley and fair grounds where a pro-rodeo is held.

For being a farming town this school has some amazing technology.  Bathroom hand dryers like this:

  The kids also use their finger prints to pay for or record their lunch purchase. It's electric and beeps when it's captured the print.

Dating Night Mare and the non- SA program.

(Previous to any of this happening, I got the idea to see the Stake President about the pathetic SA program in the area, educate him about what it could be, by showing his examples of other area) 

He was 64 and not a lawyer, but did have a PHD.  Yep- old enough to be my father.  He has a son who is 37.  To bad he's not active and hates the church because I should be dating him!  We went to a Chinese buffet and he proceeded to tell me why he wanted to go out with me- to tell me how to get a man and start having kids ASAP.

1. Ward hop.  Go up to a RS sister and ask if there are any SA men in the ward and if so could you please introduce them to me. If not give her my phone number and say  if you know of anyone please call me.
2. When I go meet them, strike up a conversation, make a connection with touch too, open myself up for a date.
3. If a man asks for a kiss on the first date do it.  He won't ask me out again if I say no.
4. If a man asks if I like sex I'm suppose to say I LOVE IT!
5. I should snuggle up to men I've never met during dances and get real close.

The whole thing was- he didn't just tell me- he showed me.  Yep- you got it, rubbing my back, my neck, my arms.  he wanted a hug, a snuggle like a dance, etc.  he told me they reason he's touching me is because of 3 reasons: 1. I need it.  2. He needs it and 3. He's showing me how it's done.  He uses a quote from Elder Scott about touching is bad when single under or on closes if it's those important parts.  He tells me all else is fine.  A little strange coming from someone I don't know at all.

Oh, he's been married 3 times.  That number shouldn't scare me- I was wife number 5.  He proceeded to tell me that 80% of divorces in the LDS church are done by women.  Our YM have been told that sex is bad.  They don't organism. (I explained that the Pew Forum says the exact opposite.)  They feel good nursing, so the baby becomes more important then the man and so on through the children.  Pretty soon, the house, the furniture, the carpet becomes more important than the man and the only thing left is the garbage and ya put that out.   He tells me I need to get the book The Act of Marriage which can be found at Deseret Book.  He just assumes I don't like or have not had good experiences in bed.  I tell him yes I have.  He disagrees.  I have told him NOTHING about my sex life, so I don't know where this idea is coming from.  I explain that OH YES I SURE DO KNOW A LOT WHEN IT COMES TO THE BEDROOM.

 I ask what about those Dr. Jackel and Mr. Hyde types.  He tells me at my age I have to take risks. He'll call me in a month when he's back in town for work and to call him if I have any questions. 

I'm left just weirded out!  Usually a date is about 2 people getting to know each other, not one of them telling the other how to find someone so they can multiply and replenish. Do I listen to his advice?  Take some of it and ward hop? Forget it and trust the Lord?  People on FB say to run like the wind.  I call a few friends and tell them the story.  I realize the next morning that what he did was disturb my peace and happiness which I had to fight for his last year and finally got it through just giving it to the Lord.  Just thinking about it gives me the shivers!  UGGG! 

 

What makes it worse is this:  Sunday an Elder Cook of the 12 was here for the west stake. I am not part of that stake, but went anyway to the Saturday adult session.  A bunch of single girls were sitting in the row ahead of me and I talked to them.  They are in a ward that is like 25 to 35.  They invite me to go the pizza party at the bishops house afterwords.  I go.  I'm hoping to see a lot of hot men to motivate me to exercise.  Lets just say I haven't exercised.  These men were HUGE.  Some of the people - the skinny ones- had kids. This ward has a nursery. 

I talk to the bishop about my age-ya I'm getting up there.  He hates having to tell the members gotta go to the family ward.  He does no tell them about the SA stuff which is mainly filled with senior citizens.   Ya, it's shocking, but that's what one has to deal with when one turns 31.  He invited me to his FHE, but I have my own.  He needs to find out what to do about his ward since the new handbook says nothing about about a 25 and up ward.  First I've heard of it.  

So their are a few pretty women, mostly size 14.  One size 5.  The men here should know about her, so they don't have to drive 7 hours to see their girl friend. This all depresses me, then the date.  

Next we have a dilemma in the Magic Valley SA FB page.  There is no LDS and no LDS people can find us. A change is made a an older women who never says anything says something- we can't do it- handbooks says no.  THAT IS LUDICROUS!   So the name was changed over and over again with in a 1/2 hour.  It was one lady who thought that we couldn't do that because of what the church has said. Of course she is wrong. I respond with some explanation of what the new handbook says, saying the twin towers have not fallen.  I said some other choice things and feel terrible because it hurt someone's feelings.  

So all these things added up and I got really upset and at times still am.  If the program was running like it was suppose to, none of this would would be happening. 

Almost 2 weeks later

It's been almost 2 weeks since my last  "broken" post.  I had many things happen that weekend, but I've also had other things happen the weekend after and just the past few days.

 My job in the school system is over for the year.  Today was my last day and I'm glad.  I had thought that I would get quite a bit of unemployment and could mostly take it easy this summer while I work on getting projects done and healing, but that is not to be.  I will only make 161$ a week. This will not allow me to pay all the bills I have. while I will be able to work 5 hours a week and maybe 10 hours a week, that plus unemployment will not be enough, which means I'll need to get at least a part time job.

I know I could easily go get a home caregiver job, but that will not allow me to heal from the last year.  I have a tendency to get attached to people, to do more than is required and it usually doesn't serve me well.   I've been down about having to work.  BUT, last weekend I was mostly alone and realized that the summer with out enough people contact could not be beneficial for me either.  For the first time I had thought maybe I'd need to get a part time job, just to fill the empty space.  Perhaps that was preparing me for what I would find out just days latter.

 You know that LDS pamphlet One For The Money by Elder Marvin J. Ashton (who I hugged at Ricks college years ago)?  I got one over a month ago in RS and I did what it said to do: create a debt-elimination calendar.  With out counting the bank loan that is automatically taken out of my account monthly, if I pay 250 a month on the credit cards I will be out of debt in 3.5 years.  I don't know if that is possible, but I will give it my best shot.

I put new/more duct tape on my car yesterday.  I need to keep that thing running for 3.5 years, basically running it into the ground, until I can afford a car payment.  :(

After Friday the 18th, I woke up Saturday morning wanting to go to the temple.  That is big for me.  Lately I have gone out of duty and obedience. So I was able to get on a 4pm session.  As is typical these days when the lights go down and the movie begins, I bawl.  Again a caring sister held my hand.  Oh, how I'm so thankful for that. I may have been turning my head every which way looking as if I was confused or looking for an answer. I don't know if I physically moved my head around, but mentally I was.  I was OVERWHELMED with being distraught, not knowing how I could be able to move on from this mess, how I would be able to get out of my head the intense pain of what others think of me, who didn't REALLY know what was going on. I had been going to my bishop, going to counseling, etc, but nothing seemed to help.  It was the 1 year anniversary of me leaving Washington and yes, Jason, but I honestly didn't know how this would ever not be in my heart and on my mind in 10 years even after the debt had been paid.

Finally in having no where to turn I cried out in my head to the Lord to take this from me.  And he did almost immediately.  The anger was gone and I could be at peace the rest of the session.  I was even able to open the scriptures up in the celestial room.  The phrase "broken cisterns" came to my mind as if to confirm the idea of being broken. While I could not find a scripture with cisterns  I did find this one:

Isaiah 6:1 and Luke 4:18.... he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted,....

This brought immense peace and as I messaged with another friend on FB I spoke of this verse and in trying to find it again found others. Such as Psalms 34: 18 The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and ^asaveth such as be ^bof a contrite spirit.   Or D&C 138:42  And ^aIsaiah, who declared by prophecy that the Redeemer was anointed to bind up the broken-hearted,......

I had spoken with my counselor about fasting for an extended period of time, telling him about my fathers 2 week fast only drinking water.  It was suggested that I just have a meaningful sincere fast of just 24 hours.  While at the temple I felt to do that.  I had not eaten lunch yet and so began my fast.  

Sunday came and the choir sang beautifully the primary song "If the Savior Stood Beside Me."  I decided that I needed to go to choir and I did that day.

I went to RS and the lesson was suppose to be on the eternity of the soul.  It started out with the sisters sharing about how the plan helps then when loosing someone to death and that thought came to my mind that what we all need to have is an eternal perspective and in thinking and saying this, I knew I had not been doing that at all.  I have been stuck in the pain and the anguish of the here and now.   As I was speaking I broke down- really broke down and a sister I didn't know left her seat and came to hug me.  As the lesson went on, I shared again about my experience in the temple and how I was feeling about those who thought I was the bad guy.  I wept again and more stories came out about divorce.  It felt like a divorce support group-what one is suppose to be like. I heard much worse stories than mine; greater debt, extreme lies, loosing children, etc.  One sister told me to get over myself.  While I understand where she is coming from my pain and anguish wasn't just about the divorce.  It's about the money, the financial strain, not being able to put food on my own table.  It's about leaving my HOME of 20 plus years and all my friends and support system.  It's about not liking my job, really needing to do something different, but HOW?  It's about the abuse I've suffered from.  It's about the less than effective SA program here.  It's about the possibility of never being married again, not having children. It's about how I've screwed up at work quite a bit.  It's not Simple. It's not. But I did go home feeling better.

Then I went to choir practice and we sang the hymn Sweet Hour of Prayer.  I wrote this in my journal: And since he bids me seek his face, Believe his word, and trust his grace, I'll cast oh him my every care, And wait for thee, sweet hour of prayer.

He's asking us to seek his face.  Joseph Smith wanted us all to find out about God.  We are to cast on him our every care and wait for HIM!  I always thought it was wait for the hour of prayer. 

Then I find this on line:

What are our myths of Peter? How do the scriptures make meaning out of him?

Peter is the one who walks on water, but gets frightened and sinks (Matt 14: 28-31), the one who tries to defend the Prince of Peace by cutting off a servant's ear (John 18: 10), the one who denies Christ and bitterly weeps (Matt 26: 75), the one who has and embraces a movement-changing vision (Acts 10: 9-28),
but later gets rebuked by Paul for being afraid of revealing how far
that vision has taken his faith from his people's customs (Gal 2: 11-14).

Our myth of Peter is a one of our greatest myths of discipleship and church
leadership. It is about miraculous faith accompanied by devastating
failures in faith, about startling visions and doctrines coupled with
burdensome day-to-day business and persistent inequalities. We don't
expect Peter to do everything right, or to embody every positive
principle. Part of his myth is the ways that he falls short and fails.
(Can we see Christ's grace in Peter's stumbling?)

I think if Peter goes through stuff like this, then I guess It's normal for me too.  I guess I don't have to compare myself to Laurel, to Paige, to Aimee, to Nikki, to Sarah my sister. ( As I closed the folding walls I thought of my YW room and those years with Rachel and Linda Pope and Dawn Thompson and the thought of sitting there again and having to share my life with the Aimee, Paige, Nikki, and others- I sure as heck wouldn't.  I would want to be just like I was then, full of anger, hiding under it) My trials do not take away my worth as one of the woman said after relief society.  And that's what I've been doing. Thinking that due to my trial,( of over 20 years) I am again "less than".  Less of a person with Less worth.

I called Ruth and heard her sad story.  No longer do I judge.  Her situation is SO much worse than mine and regardless of it being some of her making, it is TERRIBLE.  I'm sure she feels more of a failure than I do, wants her life to end more than I do. I do not want her trials.

On Monday during recess I sung in my head that primary song "If The Savior Stood Beside Me" every time I felt negative thoughts about the kids. It did well until recess #3 and I took the tune and made up songs of the mean things I'd want to do with the kids. 

However I felt as if I had turned a corner.  The anger was gone for a week and much if not most of it is gone completely. 

The next Friday I missed my meds and Sat I was a mess and spent an hour writing in my journal about all those and other girls/women I grew up with and comparing my life to theirs.  That is not healthy.  Comparison is the thief of joy.

The First Year In Numbers

On May 14, 2011 I left Washington where I had lived a little over 20 years of my 38 years of life and drove into Idaho. 

1 float trip down the Boise River.
1 dog park in Nampa gone to lots and lots of times.
1 temporary dog park in Twin
1 car accident costing me almost 900 dollars
1 camping trip
1 trip to the Boise Zoo with family 
1 family wedding- Eric (my nephew) and Shelley in October in the Salt Lake temple.
1 pedicure 
1 16 year old Sunday School class I teach with 4 boys and 2 girls.
1 single adult Bunco game party.
1 single adult FHE group.
1  free "pattern changing" class through the Nampa Family Justice Center for women getting out of abusive relationships. Loved that class!
1 divorce support group with the Nazarene Church- not all that great.
1 trip to Rexburg Idaho- WOW has it changed!
1 LDS doctor who is also on the High Counsel in his stake with my therapist. 
1 free fake Christmas tree via a SA dinner.
1 crown and a red sash for being queen of the new year at a SA dance. (people wore jeans!)
1 roommate named Yentl in Twin.  She works nights, I work days. She's LDS and likes the dogs.  It works.
1 crown  and sash at the New Years Eve dance- my first ever.

2 towns lived in: Nampa and Twin Falls, one in a basement and the second in a duplex.
2 bishops, the first- has some things to learn, the second- awesome.
2 companies worked for- Assisting Hands (3 families) and Pro-Active Advantage (3 schools, 4 kids).
2 counselors- one a woman, not LDS, one named Jason who is awesome and LDS.
2 female friends in their 50's.  Beverly, divorced with 2 dogs in Nampa, Robyn, widowed with 1 dog  in Twin who also is in my ward and works for the same company I do. 
2 visitors from friends in Washington- Janea and her family, Donna and her extended family- both while I'm in Nampa.
2 great nieces and nephews hugged and kissed all summer long- Elli and Liam.
2 dinner invites by members of the ward- one in each. 
2 deaf neighbors in Twin.
2 high school graduations- Willy and Amber, now both at BYU-Idaho.
2 different sleep aids so I can get to sleep and don't fall asleep at work!  Both not addictive or for pain.
2 awesome friends who offered for me to come live with them and heal.  Both are married with families.  Cherelyn Linde and Angie Conlin.  Meant the world to me. 
2 visits/calls from the Sharif about my dogs from a lovely neighbor :(

3 mom sleep overs at my house to go to the temple and help me with my house and things.
3 temples- Boise (been before I moved here) Twin Falls- first time. I live 3 miles from, Rexburg, first time. 
3 testimonies born in church.
3 dog sleep overs with Sadie the Golden Retriever who came to my house at my request.
4 or 5 trips to a man made lake in Nampa area for the dogs to swim in.
4 really weird single adult dances- cow boy poetry, belly dancing and jeans at New Yeats Eve. 
5 hair cuts- 3 really bad ones :(
6 months of food stamps, 6 months and counting of food orders from the church.
A few more friends made. 
Too many to count trips to thrift and craft stores.
A hundred thousand tears cried. 

Twin Falls - with out the Twin

 This is right before the water goes down.  Boats can launch here too.

Twin Falls

On the way out after the falls

Who knew?!

When there was a Twin Fall.

Check out this very cool tree.  Coco on the path- not a little bear. 

A place to picnic too.

Due to the dam built there, it caused a second fall to disappear, so the twin in Twin Falls is false.

Castleford Idaho (More or Less)

Painted building as you enter Castleford.  This pretty much says it all!

I told you about Dietrich Idaho, a town of 200 that is almost 100% LDS.  Castleford is the exact opposite in LDS population. The population is 211 (more or less) according to the painting in the school hall and 277 (more or less) on the welcome sign as you drive in to town.  Yes, they all really say 'more or less'.  Blick is the biggest business around and what I think most men around Castleford work for.  I drive by it every day on my way to work.  Like Dietrich, Castleford has dogs with no collars at the gas station laying around or in trucks. Sometimes I see older men standing around and sometimes they help with the kids crossing the every so wide streets. On 2 sides of the play ground and football field is farm land. There is low income housing here.

The Town Hall, directly across from the school.  I and the teachers get fed there once a month by the PTO.

The entrance of the K-12 school.

Rooster and the Redneck, Mobile Kitchen.  This is right across the street from the school too.  It was pretty busy in the summer with people buying food.  The house behind it has a lot of junk and a dog that is not nice. 

 

The Castleford post office on the main street of the town.

The Wonders of Idaho - Balanced Rock

 

Balanced Rock is just a short 6 miles from the small town I work in. The day I planned to go see it (sometime in Feb), it happened to snow, so hiking it was not an option. The picture up above is the view from the street.  I was shocked at how small it seemed.  I expected something like Arches in Southern Utah, but there it is, just one little question mark shaped rock that is balanced. 

 

Each closer picture is taken with my zoom lens. 

 

The sign is so old and across the street from the parking area. 

 

 

This was the road I had to take to get there and back.  It's a strange drive, from flat land with lots of cows, to windy roads surrounded by rocky cliffs. I was a little worried that I might get stuck or slip all over the place and end up hurting my car, however I did just fine.   

 I took this picture to show you how rugged the rocks are.  I thought it was beautiful and looked so fun to climb and explore.  I'll go and explore another time and when I do, I'll post them here.

Drive your tractor to school day!

My favorite pic because of the sign. 

Some of them lined up!

I'm not sure what this is.  Maybe a columbine? 

To compare a truck to a tractor.

Another comparison.  Not sure how this is a tractor, but it has 4 wheels.

The biggest tired is taller than me! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today on the way to work.......

Yep- Sheep moving.  3 men, 3 dogs, 1 puppy and TONS of SHEEP! 

At least a couple hundred.

It was cute to watch and I wasn't even late.  I'm so glad I always carry my camera in my purse.

That doesn't happen everyday in Seattle.  OK, it NEVER happens.  

I see a lot of cow, horses, dogs and cats on my way to work, but this is the first time I've seen sheep!