A Dry Drunk

Addiction treatment can last anywhere from 30, to 60, to 90 days.  It usually doesn't work and often the addict is back 2 or 3 times before they really stop what ever the addiction is.

I've learned recently about "Dry Drunks."  A dry drunk is those who no longer partake of the preferred  substance, but the behaviors of a drunk, a druggie, etc still is alive and well.  Sometimes those behaviors are so engrained in them, they can't get to reality. What they do is reject your reality and substitute their own on to you.  It can be VERY abusive.  Below are some of the personality behaviors of those dry drunks.

• Blame (It's always someone else) 
• Denial  about anything.
• Narcissistic 
• Horrible self-esteem 
• Manipulators 
• Co-dependant 
• No coping skills
• Not rational 
• Paranoid
• Have often been abused 
• Turn negative behaviors on someone else.  (It's always someone else) 
• They are often OCD
• Often they are Bi-Polar 
• 75% of them have Borderline Personality disorder and often it's just due to all the other dysfunctions above. 
• Often they have more than one addiction 
• Living with them is like walking on egg shells

A person like this looks in the mirror and sees not himself, but others. There is no personal responsibility, because to do that would mean they are less than the dust of the earth.  They have been wrong, have treated people wrongly, have done things totally wrong, have lied to themselves and others and they cannot admit that they have been and are basically crazy.  They cannot face who and what they really are to protect their ever so enormously fragile ego. 

This is the kind of person I lived with for 17 months and then continued to let him talk to me on the phone for 8 more months.

a group of men

So besides Mr. 64, who called me on Friday to ask if I had found a ward to go to and work HIS plan there have been others:

I chatted on line with a man in Tennessee through LDS Mid-singles of the world FB group. He flirted quite a bit and is almost, in Sept 34 and is quite anxious to talk to me, etc.  There are no girls for him to ask out and he is desperate.

Then there is a non-member military guy I think 32- I don't know where he lives.  All of this in less than 1 week.

I finally feel mostly comfortable (except situation like Mr. 64) being friends with men, handling myself in a dating situation.  Too bad it took this long and I couldn't figure it out when I was in my 20's, but oh well.  I can turn back the clock.  It's funny because I have been thinking about temple marriage lately.  At times when I feel the spirit I think of it and when I'm in the car alone. I would like a true companion. However one thing I think about too is a mans sex drive.  I really don't want to deal with that all the time.

I hope to find some one good, really good, someone who wants kids, loves the scriptures, who knows the gospel, loves animals too, because that is big for me, has a good job who can support me, not just financially but emotionally, wants me to develop my talents and do things I enjoy, who knows what it means to lead, and honor his priesthood.  Someone who is trying to be the best he can be, not make excuses for behavior.  I want to do those things too, to become those things.

As for the SA program here, another person who has lived other places besides here says that it THIS place is the Worst she has seen.  There are stake presidents who don't get it at all and frankly don't care.   This depresses me greatly as it feel hopeless, but I will still try.  However I really think I need to move if it continues to be like this.  

Almost 2 weeks later

It's been almost 2 weeks since my last  "broken" post.  I had many things happen that weekend, but I've also had other things happen the weekend after and just the past few days.

 My job in the school system is over for the year.  Today was my last day and I'm glad.  I had thought that I would get quite a bit of unemployment and could mostly take it easy this summer while I work on getting projects done and healing, but that is not to be.  I will only make 161$ a week. This will not allow me to pay all the bills I have. while I will be able to work 5 hours a week and maybe 10 hours a week, that plus unemployment will not be enough, which means I'll need to get at least a part time job.

I know I could easily go get a home caregiver job, but that will not allow me to heal from the last year.  I have a tendency to get attached to people, to do more than is required and it usually doesn't serve me well.   I've been down about having to work.  BUT, last weekend I was mostly alone and realized that the summer with out enough people contact could not be beneficial for me either.  For the first time I had thought maybe I'd need to get a part time job, just to fill the empty space.  Perhaps that was preparing me for what I would find out just days latter.

 You know that LDS pamphlet One For The Money by Elder Marvin J. Ashton (who I hugged at Ricks college years ago)?  I got one over a month ago in RS and I did what it said to do: create a debt-elimination calendar.  With out counting the bank loan that is automatically taken out of my account monthly, if I pay 250 a month on the credit cards I will be out of debt in 3.5 years.  I don't know if that is possible, but I will give it my best shot.

I put new/more duct tape on my car yesterday.  I need to keep that thing running for 3.5 years, basically running it into the ground, until I can afford a car payment.  :(

After Friday the 18th, I woke up Saturday morning wanting to go to the temple.  That is big for me.  Lately I have gone out of duty and obedience. So I was able to get on a 4pm session.  As is typical these days when the lights go down and the movie begins, I bawl.  Again a caring sister held my hand.  Oh, how I'm so thankful for that. I may have been turning my head every which way looking as if I was confused or looking for an answer. I don't know if I physically moved my head around, but mentally I was.  I was OVERWHELMED with being distraught, not knowing how I could be able to move on from this mess, how I would be able to get out of my head the intense pain of what others think of me, who didn't REALLY know what was going on. I had been going to my bishop, going to counseling, etc, but nothing seemed to help.  It was the 1 year anniversary of me leaving Washington and yes, Jason, but I honestly didn't know how this would ever not be in my heart and on my mind in 10 years even after the debt had been paid.

Finally in having no where to turn I cried out in my head to the Lord to take this from me.  And he did almost immediately.  The anger was gone and I could be at peace the rest of the session.  I was even able to open the scriptures up in the celestial room.  The phrase "broken cisterns" came to my mind as if to confirm the idea of being broken. While I could not find a scripture with cisterns  I did find this one:

Isaiah 6:1 and Luke 4:18.... he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted,....

This brought immense peace and as I messaged with another friend on FB I spoke of this verse and in trying to find it again found others. Such as Psalms 34: 18 The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and ^asaveth such as be ^bof a contrite spirit.   Or D&C 138:42  And ^aIsaiah, who declared by prophecy that the Redeemer was anointed to bind up the broken-hearted,......

I had spoken with my counselor about fasting for an extended period of time, telling him about my fathers 2 week fast only drinking water.  It was suggested that I just have a meaningful sincere fast of just 24 hours.  While at the temple I felt to do that.  I had not eaten lunch yet and so began my fast.  

Sunday came and the choir sang beautifully the primary song "If the Savior Stood Beside Me."  I decided that I needed to go to choir and I did that day.

I went to RS and the lesson was suppose to be on the eternity of the soul.  It started out with the sisters sharing about how the plan helps then when loosing someone to death and that thought came to my mind that what we all need to have is an eternal perspective and in thinking and saying this, I knew I had not been doing that at all.  I have been stuck in the pain and the anguish of the here and now.   As I was speaking I broke down- really broke down and a sister I didn't know left her seat and came to hug me.  As the lesson went on, I shared again about my experience in the temple and how I was feeling about those who thought I was the bad guy.  I wept again and more stories came out about divorce.  It felt like a divorce support group-what one is suppose to be like. I heard much worse stories than mine; greater debt, extreme lies, loosing children, etc.  One sister told me to get over myself.  While I understand where she is coming from my pain and anguish wasn't just about the divorce.  It's about the money, the financial strain, not being able to put food on my own table.  It's about leaving my HOME of 20 plus years and all my friends and support system.  It's about not liking my job, really needing to do something different, but HOW?  It's about the abuse I've suffered from.  It's about the less than effective SA program here.  It's about the possibility of never being married again, not having children. It's about how I've screwed up at work quite a bit.  It's not Simple. It's not. But I did go home feeling better.

Then I went to choir practice and we sang the hymn Sweet Hour of Prayer.  I wrote this in my journal: And since he bids me seek his face, Believe his word, and trust his grace, I'll cast oh him my every care, And wait for thee, sweet hour of prayer.

He's asking us to seek his face.  Joseph Smith wanted us all to find out about God.  We are to cast on him our every care and wait for HIM!  I always thought it was wait for the hour of prayer. 

Then I find this on line:

What are our myths of Peter? How do the scriptures make meaning out of him?

Peter is the one who walks on water, but gets frightened and sinks (Matt 14: 28-31), the one who tries to defend the Prince of Peace by cutting off a servant's ear (John 18: 10), the one who denies Christ and bitterly weeps (Matt 26: 75), the one who has and embraces a movement-changing vision (Acts 10: 9-28),
but later gets rebuked by Paul for being afraid of revealing how far
that vision has taken his faith from his people's customs (Gal 2: 11-14).

Our myth of Peter is a one of our greatest myths of discipleship and church
leadership. It is about miraculous faith accompanied by devastating
failures in faith, about startling visions and doctrines coupled with
burdensome day-to-day business and persistent inequalities. We don't
expect Peter to do everything right, or to embody every positive
principle. Part of his myth is the ways that he falls short and fails.
(Can we see Christ's grace in Peter's stumbling?)

I think if Peter goes through stuff like this, then I guess It's normal for me too.  I guess I don't have to compare myself to Laurel, to Paige, to Aimee, to Nikki, to Sarah my sister. ( As I closed the folding walls I thought of my YW room and those years with Rachel and Linda Pope and Dawn Thompson and the thought of sitting there again and having to share my life with the Aimee, Paige, Nikki, and others- I sure as heck wouldn't.  I would want to be just like I was then, full of anger, hiding under it) My trials do not take away my worth as one of the woman said after relief society.  And that's what I've been doing. Thinking that due to my trial,( of over 20 years) I am again "less than".  Less of a person with Less worth.

I called Ruth and heard her sad story.  No longer do I judge.  Her situation is SO much worse than mine and regardless of it being some of her making, it is TERRIBLE.  I'm sure she feels more of a failure than I do, wants her life to end more than I do. I do not want her trials.

On Monday during recess I sung in my head that primary song "If The Savior Stood Beside Me" every time I felt negative thoughts about the kids. It did well until recess #3 and I took the tune and made up songs of the mean things I'd want to do with the kids. 

However I felt as if I had turned a corner.  The anger was gone for a week and much if not most of it is gone completely. 

The next Friday I missed my meds and Sat I was a mess and spent an hour writing in my journal about all those and other girls/women I grew up with and comparing my life to theirs.  That is not healthy.  Comparison is the thief of joy.

Broken or Whole? I can't decide.

from someone I met once; Jennifer:

It’s never sat right with me—calling myself by that term. *SINGLE* Defining myself by the thing I lack.


I was genuinely more happy once I lost myself in my life and in possibility. 

my time isn’t about me “pampering myself,” it’s about me surviving...


I have diligently tried over the last two, maybe three, years to not let my relationship status deter or define me.

Becky's Voice now: 


In counseling today I told him that I want to drown myself.  Then at the end I told him I want to kill somebody.  Then I quoted from a pin:  "I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me." He laughed. He knows I'm not serious about those things, just a way of saying how I feel.


He says I see myself as "broken", but I am not. His advice, is to count my blessings.  I know that sounds cliche, but he didn't say it like that.  It's more about living in the now and, like Jennifer said, in possibility. 

The thing is I've felt broken my whole life. elementary school, HS, my mission, college, YSA life- all of it- I felt broken, and I thought marriage would fix me- I'd have someone to love me, to put cement in the cracks and make me whole and better. Not just better-not-sick-anymore, but better as in a better me. I also wanted marriage so someone would take care of me and so I would fit in and to be on the right path and to have children.


I got married and I got more broken and couldn't even take care of myself let alone him.  


Jason, my counselor says I'm not broken.  OK, I'll try and believe that. Depressed- yes, beaten down- yes, unsure- yes, but I am whole- I guess.  


Jewels song "Hands" ran through my mind in counseling.  

My hands are small I know but they aren't yours they are my own,
and I am never broken.... In the end, only kindness matters.

It makes sense on a level never felt before. So maybe this should be my new theme, the words I say to myself when I feel broken or less than.  Those last 2 words, those are the words I've felt about myself for so long- so less than.  And you know what- that phrase is what my patriarchal blessing says I will do- help those less fortunate then me.  So, that means I can't be all that broken- right?  There are others more broken, others with less than what I have, so that should make that blessing list doable- right? 


I'm still trying to convince myself. I think you'll be able to tell when I believe it. 

Anger, General Conference and The Book of Mormon

I have been single for a long time.  All I wanted was a temple marriage and children.  I became an aunt at the age of 7 and literally half of my siblings were married by the time I was in the 5th grade.  I babysat my life away as a teenager.  One year I made a thousand dollars. But I was insecure and so unsure especially when it came to  boys.  I clammed up and ran away even in college when I would get asked out.

But as the years went on my desire for a family was still holding strong, but my patience  waned.   I became angry, bitter and mad at young pretty girls who got the guys because of their looks, even though they were scripturally stupid.  I realized that although they were doctrinally dumb they were sweet and kind and grouchy people didn't get into the celestial kingdom.   "I signed up for this?" I  often thought. The anger and bitterness continued becoming stronger and stronger, especially after the babies of those friends of mine came. One of my favorite things to say was "They have a house, 2 to 5 kids, a time share in Cancun, and a dog, but I don't even have a dog!"   I didn't understand why I was still single.  I wasn't that ugly.  I had righteous desires.  I had lived a good life. I had served a mission, and had spent my time  preparing myself by collecting every thing I got into a folder about dating and marriage.  I was ready, I thought.  I wanted it, but didn't know how to be in a relationship.

 The negative emotions continued to grow.  It didn't serve me well.  Men don't like angry bitter women!

I felt that it was so unjust, so unloving, so unkind of Heavenly  Father to not let me have this righteous desire.   

I love America and see the need for war.  My father fought  in WWII, my brother and brother in law were in the army and when the world is full of injustice WE FIGHT. Take for example the America Revolution.  When we were not treated well, we went to war.  Had we not done that, there would be no USA and we'd be  ruled by the British. That's what I was doing- fighting!  Against who?  God. As if I could beat him in an arm wrestle, let alone anything else!

I was justified in my anger and bitterness!   I was thinking these things one General Conference morning as I was in the kitchen but still listening to the TV in the living room.  Elder James E. Faust was talking.  He was speaking of the Savior.  I don't remember what talk or what he said, but the spirit brought to my remembrance the submissiveness of Jesus.   I started to cry and I knew that I needed to be submissive to the will of the Father for me.  I needed to let go of the anger, resentment of other girls getting married and the bitterness of me being overlooked (The thing that kills me now is that I wasn't over looked.  I over looked them!).

While my attitude didn't change automatically it was another step in getting my heart right.  It would still be years when I would come to completely  trust and rely on and believe the Saviors promises to me that were given in my patriarchal blessing and 17 other blessing that said essentially the same thing:  A young man will come into my life..... 

I continued to read the scriptures daily and marked the qualities and attributes of the Father and the Son that I found.  As I read year in and year out, marking those verses with the same color so they stood out to me, my faith grew stronger and stronger in the promises the Lord had made to me in the scriptures as well as my blessings.  Here is an example of a few verses:  

Hebrews  11:13 These all died in faith, not have received the promises, but having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth.  

Hebrews 12: 1 Wherefore seeing we are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us.

2 Nephi 29:5 ... I the Lord have not forgotten my people. 

vs.9 ... I do this that I may prove unto many that I am the same, yesterday, today and forever ...

2 Nephi 31: 15... the words of my Beloved are true and faithful...

2Nephi 33:3 ... He will hear my cry

Jacob 2: 31 .... I, the Lord, have seen the sorrow, and heard the mourning of the daughters of my people...

Jacob 3:1... He will console you in your afflictions, and he will plead your cause, and send down justice upon those who seek your destruction. 

Jacob 4:13.. the spirit speaketh the truth and lieth not.  Wherefore, it speaketh of things as they really are, and of things as they really will be.

Jacob 6:4 ...how merciful is our God unto us...

2 Nephi 26:24 He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world; for he loveth the world. 

vs. 33...he doeth that which is good among the children of men..

Mosiah 8:20 O how marvelous are the works of the Lord, and how long doeth he suffer with his people.

And so the struggle continues.  But I believe the words of the prophets and the words of the scriptures.  I don't throw tantrums anymore, I just submit, sometimes happily and sometimes with tears, and I suppress my grouchiness, but I am always faithful to what I know is true.

See here for the article I wrote that was published in the New Era about getting my patriarchal blessing.

Missy Moo's Marriage

Dec 20th 2008 was my nieces wedding day in the Mt. Timpanogas Temple in American Fork Utah. Snow was covering the ground and more was coming down, but it was a great day. Melissa was so happy and excited afterwords that I had to tell her to save some energy for that night (honeymoon activities). Melissa looked beautiful in her dress and had 6 pink bridesmiads. She married John Bell, the 8th of 10 children. John's mission president from Brazil is a sealer and was able to perform the sealing. That was really special. My oldest sister Beth made the dress and mom and I did the bussle. I have helped all my nieces who have gotten married bussle their dress. First Heidi's and now Melissa's. I think I need to make it a tradition. Mom was able to get a 4 generation picture with Cindy, Brian and Elliana (just 1 month old) Mom was able to see 3 of her 4 brothers and a cousin. We had lots of time to talk and as I got in bed that night I said to Mom : "Today was a fun day." It really was.

Throwing the bouquet. At the last few weddings I’ve been avoiding that ritual like the plague, but this time, this wedding, I decided to turn over a new leaf: no inappropriate comments about sex, or attention drawn to myself. I joined the crowd of would be flower catchers which consisted of little girls under the age of 10 and teenage girls, most of whom were the pink bridesmaids. I told the pink girls that I was 36 and single and asked them who should be the one to catch it. They all agreed it should be ME. But Melissa did it differently and I like the change! Instead of throwing one bunch of flowers, Miss undid the ribbon and when she threw it, the flowers went every where; so many girls caught a flower. I and my niece Jessica caught one each, as shown in the picture, and some of the little girls too. One 3 year old didn’t and she threw herself, full body, face first on the carpeted floor almost instantly. It was straight from a sitcom. She didn’t cry, but was obviously disappointed. It wasn’t until much latter that I realized that none of the bridesmaids got one. I’m unsure if it was because of proximity of flowers or because I intimated them out of even trying. But rest assured girls- you’ll get married- you won’t be like me. There are many bouquet catching opportunities ahead in your futures.