So Wounded, So Hurt!

On Sunday the Bishop who has been great up until NOW, humiliated me in front of the whole Ward Council.  It's been 4 days since it's happened and I continue to wake up to the feeling of intense anger and I yell- at him although I know no one is there. I yell out of self-defense and self preservation.  I really can't tell you how wounded I am.  I did not warrant what I got.  

I was told by the Stake Presidency member and the HC that I should be at the ward council meeting.  I was in Bellevue before I got married.  I tell this to the bishop and he said he's going to check.  Message is -i don't believe you.   I  never hear anything back but  my HT is in the Bishopric so I talk to him, he said they had been talking about it, so yes come in.   When it gets to the SA on the list I start.  I tell them my EXPERIENCES:

1. There was nothing here in the TF stake. 
2. I went to the stake president- He acknowledged they didn't know how to do it well, he was glad I came. 
3. For some reason the SA program here gathers the senior citiizens- I've had 2 dates with them, one that pooped on my bathroom floor.
4. I also mention that most likely they have not been in a council with a SA rep, but that it happens all over the place.
5.  I tell them about what we are trying to do.- Activities every month.  The day previous was an activity  our ward  was the only one that came through.  
6. There are 66 SA in our wards.  I need to know who is dead, moved, married, a do not contact, etc.
7. Activity announcements need to be made in RS and Priesthood. 
8. I also mention that MANY SA are not asked to speak like the married people are.  I mention this to point out the incongrucency and the fact that it is being a respector of persons. 

Here is where the crap comes in.
The bishop gets out the handbook, reads the paragraph that does not mention my calling at all.  I'm shocked.  He also mentions him talking to the stk pres who says if he feels like we need it, I can come.  A clear statement from Bishop- "If I'm invited."  Then he mentions the meeting with Elder Holland and some other big wig, who mentions that a YSA  girl hates the word young in there and that they are adults and want to be treated as such.  The way the bishop said this was like it was a REVELATION. Daaa!  They are adults, but the church cannot get rid of the word young.  Have the girl grow up or get married. One cannot get rid of that word. For the last decade there have been "mid-singles" focus in areas around the country.  You cannot name every one 18 to dead with the same name. That's kaos. I mention the books dad had read, that he shared with me about in the 1960's a women being so glad they changed it from ALL 18 to dead to 18 to 31 and then 31 to dead.  It's taken another 50 years to make another change.

Bishop yells at me for #8, insists the SA program is the same (something he knows NOTHING about) where ever you go.  Then tells me that we need the spirit here. I will speak when I am asked to!!!!!  He was red in the face, looking directly at me and everyone else was dead silent saying nothing- except for one stupid male.  

The stupid male says that were all going to be single some day.
So what's his point?  He's not single NOW!

• Does he know what it's like to leave a highly LDS populated college with out a ring on?

• Does he know what it's like leave a YSA ward having "graduated with out honors" and go to a family ward knowing that your changes of marriage just decreased a BUNCH!

• Does he know what's it like to know at new years eve that it's another year of unfulfilled dreams and unanswered prayers.

• Does he know what it's like to go to every family reunion with out a spouse and kids? 

• Does he know what it's like to go to baby showers and only have someone else experiences to share- and the same goes for every lesson at church on marriage and family?

• Does he know the fear of being alone your whole life and that when you do get to old to take care of yourself there will be no kids or grand kids to help or plan or even go to the funeral?  

• Does he know what it's like to not be picked, year after year, after year and wonder WHY?  Are you ugly?  Are you..... (you fill in the blank) . WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?  It falls into everyone's lap!  Why not yours?

• Does he know what's it like to know that all months the good eggs are gone and that all the bleeding and cramps have been in vain.

• How about Valentines Day?  How about when you come home so tired you don't want to cook or do anything, but you have to because there is only one of you. 

• Does he know how to do this all and more for 20 years and still maintain a self-esteem?  

THE LIST COULD GO ON and ON and ON and ON.   The answer each time would be NO!

Bottom line is he mocked my pain!  His experience will never compair to mine, not just because he's not a woman, but because he has a temple marriage and he has children.  If his wife were to die tomorrow he still has an eternal marriage and children to take care of and that will take care of him. 

Then there's the bishop- the man who's been "investing in me" for over a year by having the church pay for counseling.  The man who knows I was in a emotionally, sexually, physically and financially abusive marriage with the frosting being CONTROL and I'm trying to rebuild my life and who I am - AMONG STRANGERS in a FARMING COMMUNITY which is a COMPLETE 180 from where I left.  The man who knows all this but picked up HUGE BOULDERS and THREW  them at my GLASS CASTLE  - IN FRONT of 10 PEOPLE, who will then go home and tell their spouses and most likely others. I am the only one in that room who knows what's it's like to be single with no spouse for 17 years and then to be divorced!  THE ONLY ONE! 

I refussed to be treated like that.

Then he tries to appologize, takes me into his room and asks me how I feel about the savior?  REALLY? REALLY?  What does that have to do with ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED?  NOTHING!   (I'm not the only one who thinks so too)   Can we please get real!

I can't sit down., I'm pacing and he's asking me about the Savior?  Is this to deflect what he did? To put the blame on me????  Or something Elder Holland told him to do?  I've had no time to process anything.  No time to realize that he negated my feelings, experiences, knowledge and facts.  Completely negated them. So- what of my value?  Clearily the message is NONE!!   I of course CAN'T TAKE IT. I do not go into chapel, but I stay on the couch in the foyer where a women named Wendy who has been to my home and was in the stake RS presidency finds me and then finds Terry Miller the HC.  They take me into the other wards clerks office and I scream and cry and am just beside myself.  They want to give me a blessing, but they can't for a while because I can't calm down. Terry says I shouldn't worry about what others think of me.  That's easy when one has someone to go home to that valadates your existence.  Who tells you they love you regularily and oh so much more.  Maybe your fabulous at your job or with something, anything that makes you feel like your life is worth the effort, but I have none of those things or anything like unto it. Not even close.  Wendy tells me he is a man and doesn't get women's needs.

I go to the SA meetings and suffer through and leave early, because I can't sit there in what is suppose to be a committee, not a dictatorship.  I realize that they cannot think out of there Idaho box and everything they do will be a 10 to them, but a 5 for me.  So I let go of expectations and choose to not go anymore. Tell me what to do and I'll do it, but I will not sit there and ...... want to throw up.

In Utah I'd be a number, lost in the crowd.  In Twin Falls  it's stupidvill.  In WA it's the same old, same old. So where do I go?  Does it even matter?

When you're raised in my family where there is no plan B or G, or M, etc,  you are waiting for the real thing to come and when it doesn't- you are screwed- emotionally and financially, etc.   So happy life for me.  I'll just keep make believing stories in my head, giving talks in my head where I am great, because that is the only place I get if from and my brain does not know the difference between reality and lies.

Ya, my family knows all about the SA program!  3 ways in 2 ways out.  2 ways out:  death or matramony.
3 ways  in- spouse die, divorce, or never married.  Up until my stupid marraige we had all 3 and I joked with mom about going to  dances...  now it's 3 generations- mom, me and Ruth and now nephew David.

Idaho Dislike and the Single Adults in Twin.

I figured out why I've been so disgruntled, even angry about Idaho.  It's the complete opposite of the Western Washington I lived in. 

I come from Millionaire land- literally. Many members of my ward were millionaires, they owned million and 2 million dollar homes. If they weren't millionaires they were pretty darn close to it.  Lots of people making 6 digits and often a few times over.  If both couples made that much then..well you get the idea.  The CEO of Expedia and was in the bishopric.  Other CEO's and other jobs of those in leadership positions and not in leadership positions had a lot of money. 

Almost all 274 people of my HS graduating class went to college- 16% of Idaho HS students graduate with even an AA or 4 year degree.

While I love all the animals around here: goats, sheep, cows, horses, chickens, etc.  I seriously can't stand the  stupidity of the people.  In Idaho a subsitute teacher only needs to have a HS diploma.  Of course the bigger cities want you to have a college degree- but not necessarily in teaching. In the small towns that leaves for some lame teachers- who can't tell time on the face clock or don't know what the word "soot" is or how to say it, who don't like reading out loud, who think Columbus rowed his way to America! Ya- rowed.  The best part?  The lady who believed that has and AA degree.

I'm not the sharpest tool in the shed, but honestly..... it made me want to scream sometimes.

I received a Christmas present each year from the ward, usually just a picture of the temple or the years theme- not in Idaho. Got nothing. Often the RS did the same thing- a gift for Christmas and in those presidencies where they were creative and crafty a birthday gift too. Real gifts. In Idaho nothing.

Dog parks can be found in nearly EVERY city.  Seattle of course has more than 2.  Seattle and Mercer Island has a dog park on the lakes- which means swimming for the dogs. Merymoor Park has a 42 acre park with a river flowing through it with at least 3 openings for the dogs to go swim.   Twin is having to raise money- thousands of dollars for one.  Hardly anyone knows that when you take a dog to a dog park you MUST take them off leash.  That is the point!  It's neutral territory so no feelings of protecting their property and keeping them on leash leaves them less able to protect themselves and gives them the feelings of needing to protect YOU!  I'd talked to so many people  about the dog park and they won't even try! There are lame laws and lame people with the farmer mentality- keep them in a cage or in the back yard.  They know nothing of REAL dog needs or care.

Twin Falls has nearly NO single adult program to be spoken of.  Sure if your a senior citizen life is good, but not for the mid-singles. There are 3 stakes in Twin alone.  2 stakes were having dinners once a month and a speaker afterwords. My stake did nothing. I went and spoke to the stake president. WA has a SUPER program.  Check out the stuff going on there.

Now lets talk about the license plates here.  Every 7 years you have to give them back and get a new one.  And ya you have to buy it!  In WA you can have your license plate for 20 plus years. Why would anyone need to change?  Stupid.  I'm gonna guess it's about making money for the state. 

Lack of a SA program and lack of men is a problem.  The men around here work at dairy farms, cheese or yogurt factories and think it's great if they make 50K a year.  Really?  Really. I'm used to men that work at Microsoft or Expedia or Boeing some other big companies.

I've traveled the world.  Granted it's been to no Asian countries or anything south of Panama, but I have my dreams.  Idahoans think they are cool if they have been to other states.

Lots of hunters here, lots of guns and cowboy boots.  I sort of freaked out when a 8 year old told me he was shooting guns.  Ya, ya can't do that in the cities. 

I try to explain to even college educated been around the clock and when I mention millionaires their eyes get big.  I've just learned to lower my expectations about everything. 

Regardless of my stake now working on a SA program- once a month family activity for all ages at no cost to them, it will make no difference for me in the men area.  There is only a dance one a year around here, not every weekend like in WA. Firesides are just a stake president speaking, not Harvard professors or other extraordinary topics.  It's just a fireside- just come- no topic info.  It's been frustrating, but I have to except it.  It is what it is. I have no way of changing it.  They can only do what they do.

As I look at pictures for WA there is rain forest, mountains, oceans, lakes (two 5 min from my old house),and deep forests, islands, and ferries,  I went to flat land and if you want anything fun- you have to drive at least 45 min to 2 to 5 hours or more to get anywhere and honestly- there is not much that can compare.  If it does- it's on a MUCH smaller scale.  For someone who has been to Europe, Israel, and 2/3 of the states, while this farm land is quaint, it's not impressive. 

Four for Friday???

Discoveries

I've discovered that I don't like those shirts that button up the front with collars.  They don't compliment my face and my hair cut.

I also discovered that I can't fit into pants my size because of my over fat stomach.  Not good.  So last night at a potluck, I didn't have cake or cookies and at home I didn't have ice cream. Baby steps.

I don't like male attention from men who just want to talk about other women.  No thank you, please.  

Dating 

I'm not dating and that is fine.  But I did find this web sight: www.itsyourtechnique.com.  Alisa is considered Utah's Dating Coach and I've liked what she has to say.  There are free articles to read or listen to and some to buy.  You can also email her and she will help.  I emailed her about my date with Mr. 64.  This is what she had to say:

He is so narcissistic. 

Run and never talk to him again. 

What a creep and manipulator.

On the side of my small tower I have these words of advice from her: 

I can choose to be right or effective 

I'm buying my experiences both good and bad. (with the universal currency of Energy, Emotions, Time, Thought, and Money  

Goals: 

1. Be more friendly
2. Be positive 
3. Less contentious 
4. Less judging and gossiping 

While I have done some of these 4 things lately due to learning the hard way, I want to gossip here for a minute.  

Single Adults 

The single adult group here is strange. I've been angry about it.  I have to leave the state to get away from Jason and this is what I come to?  UGGG!  But I'm learning to except it.  


So here's who I hang out with: 

3 women who have taken off their garments.  One who does not pray. 
1 man who is addicted to porn although he is getting help. 
1 man who is overweight
1 man who is likes to give me a hard time a lot and lies, but is "honest about his lies"  (eye roll) 
3 who have been excommunicated (2 men, 1 woman) 
1 woman who has a mental illness and has meddled in everyone's life, been easily offended, has poor hygiene, and is wines about not having had a date for 6 years. 
1 non-member who is Latino
1 widowed lady who has to comment on ANYTHING anyone says on FB or in person, tries to play mother, in charge person, and is just plain annoying.  Is to sickly sweet to know any better. 
1 widowed lady who is my friend, who is pretty cool.  We talk almost daily. 
A few random people who are good quality, but who rarely show up.   


Add that to only 2 free dinners a month that is HIGHLY populated with senior citizens and you can see my dilemma!   It's enough to make a girl want to move, but I don't feel the push to do so. So I stay till I do feel the push.  I must have something to learn or something to give to his area.  Ug!  

Turning 40 

Yep- the big FOUR ZERO.  I was in Rexburg for education week at BYU-Idaho when it happened and for some reason I was having negative memories of my marriage and of the SA program here.  The 2 days previous were not like that.


I thought I'd throw myself a party here, but then who are my real friends? I bagged it.  My family wished me Happy Birthday, but no cake, gifts ext.  That's OK. I wasn't expecting anything and it was a good thing because I got nothing. Beverley gave me a cute bag, shirt and a few other things.  My only gifts.  I don't really need gifts to make me feel special, just time spent with me, acknowledging my presence in this world.  Beverly also took me out to dinner at Sonic for burgers and shakes. 


I thought of blogging about 40 good things about me, my life,  or 40 bad things about my life.  So glad I didn't do either.  While yes- in emotional moments I think, say, know my life has been a HUGE disappointment.  I can't foccus on that though or I'll be a crying mess.  

Something funny happened last night at a pot luck.  At 24 year old kid on a bicycle in cowboy clothes with a huge belt buckle came riding up at the end.  He told me I was a "pretty young lady".  I thought that was funny due to my age.  I asked him to guess my age.  He wouldn't so I told him. He of course told me I don't look it.  Interesting that I've gotten more compliments as I have aged and especially after leaving Jason. Hmmmm...  things that make you go... 

It's 64 or 24....  can't I just find a 44 year old? 

Zip Linning!

 In June there was a SA barbeque at a park in Twin right by the Snake River.  Robyn and I stopped the car to see the newly put in zip lines and watch people do it.  The owner and operator offered us $20 off.  But even with that deal, we couldn't afford it, so he let us go for FREE!  It took the rest of the evening, but it was SO FUN.  I was nervous each time, but once I was out there it was great! There was a total of 4 zip lines that we walked to each time. 

The platform where you leave solid ground from!

 Robyn didn't want to go due to the heat, so Aaron came instead.

Below is Harris Pond in Burley.  This is a private recreation place made by a member of the church. 

 Besides the canoes, paddle boats and other water craft, 

there is a water slide, 

and a swing to jump into the water. 

 Don't you love the man made Island, bridge and waterfall? 

Blow is a man made train out of those large water barrels

 and a golf cart.  So clever! 

I did this a total of 3 times.  On the third I asked Shane to push me harder, but I slowed down and practically stopped over the pond!  I told Kevin, the photographer in both places to "Get the canoe!"  He had just been out in one, but luckily gravity took over and I made it to the end, very slowly.