DI: It's Not Just a Thrift Store

I’m wearing everything from a thrift store.  Even my shoes.  Why would I tell you this?  I’m here to tell you about the deep doctrine of DI.  DI is more than a thrift store and yes, that probably has been a tag line or in a commercial, but it’s true.  DI is self sufficient and runs only on donations.  There are 43 DI stores in 7 western states: WA, OR, CA, ID, UT, NV and AZ.

2 things are unique about our DI here in Twin.  We employ the largest amount of refuges  except for the ones in Utah than all the others.  Twin DI is not self supporting which means we have to do “donation sharing.”  We get things from the humanitarian center in SLC.   So, lesson one- bring in your stuff! 

Twin DI has community partnerships with about 30 programs/ agencies in Magic Valley. One of those places is TF School district.  For example.  My friend who is a single mom with 5 kids and has 1 daughter.  Her teacher noticed that she had only 2 pairs of pants.  One day she came home with 3 pairs of pants.  Where did her teacher get them?  DI. 

The bishops can use DI to help families in need.  For instance, take my friend Cyndy who is a manager of low income housing.  One family, not LDS, had a fire in their dryer.  ALL the kids’ clothes were burned up.  ALL of them.  ALL that was left for the kids was what they were wearing.  Cyndy went to the Bishop, told him the situation and he wrote out a voucher for 200 dollars worth of clothes for the family.  The bishop is the bishop for everyone within the ward boundaries- even those not of our faith.

Another bishop wanted to help a man here with a ½ way house he was starting.  He got the man vouchers for 15 beds for this house.  These are not old mattresses.  The church has a factory in SLC that makes them.  All mattress companies send their merchandise to  Missouri to be tested with a gigantic roller.  LDS mattresses are with the same quality and caliber for companies like Serta!  Seriously!  And for 2/3 of the price!!!!  

This is an example of the actual furniture!

The church also has a furniture factory that makes solid wood NICE quality tables, chairs, and bed sets and frames.  You can see them in the store and ask for one.  They are in the back- ready to be bought! 

DI also squashes bundles of clothes into ½ a ton barrels and sells them to other companies or it goes to the humanitarian center for the 3^rd world countries we send aid to.  We give stuff to Catholic charities and let them put their name on it, not ours. 

DI, pays for the employee’s salary, the building, the lighting, etc.  But when there is extra money it goes to help others get jobs.  We help members as well as non-members. 48% now at DI  in Twin Falls are not of our faith.  The extra money goes to help those workers go to school and get jobs. 

Our own Merna was employed at DI and needed to call her Bishop.  She was not a member (yet!).  Everyone that works there needs to get a hold of their bishop and get his help with goals and what that person wants to accomplish.  One of the people that have worked at DI walked across the Sahara desert, then floated on something in the ocean till he was picked up and brought to America.  He was escaping a war torn land.  He worked here in Twin Falls.  He told a manager that he would rather face the desert than the ocean! (not to self) 

Here are few stories to help you understand what this DI, this “more than a thrift store can do.”   Take Wes.  He’s a excellent swimmer, so much so that he is in the junior Olympics’ and goes to Paris to compete for the USA.  He has offers from colleges for full ride scholarships, but Wes, gets into drugs.  It becomes so bad that his family tells him to not come around.  He cannot see his nieces and nephews and Wes gets in trouble with the law and finds himself in prison. Part of Prison is drug rehab and before he can even leave, he has to have a job!  It’s pretty hard to find a job when you’re in jail!  But his bishop comes to visit him and gets him a job with DI.  He can leave.  Part of the DI program is for each person to have a mentor.  The bishop feels inspirited to have a man his age but married with kids be his mentor.   His mentor, not knowing what to do at first, invites him over for dinner, for barbecues and becomes his friend.  Wes needs new friends, he can’t go back to his old friends or he’ll get back into drugs.  Wes now has a friend, and a job.  DI has strict rules.  You have to show up on time and be there 96% of the time.  Absolutely no cell phones on the job.  These are rules that most companies have and that for most of the employees need to learn.  Each employee goes through reviews.  Goals are set by the employee and he/she evaluates himself on how he is doing.   Goals can be get a driver’s license, get a GED, become A CNA.  They pay for training programs nearby colleges have.  Wes now has a good job with a good company and he is successful.  That is why DI is more than a thrift store.  The money only goes to do good.  The money goes to help the poor and needy. 

Another story:  Mari Smith and her husband have triplets, her husband is a contractor building million dollar homes and then the economy goes bad and they can’t even pay their own rent.  The husband is depressed.  He finally went to the bishop, who sent him to the stake president (both to see if they knew of anything one or anything that could help him get work)  He goes back to his bishop and he gives his a recommendation to DI.  He gets him a job at DI.  Can you imagine the humility it took to go from building million dollar homes to working at DI?  DI can see this man has potential and skills.  To reestablish himself, the bishop needs to know exactly what he wants to do.  He decides he wants to become a Nursing assistant.  DI splits the cost with him for the schooling and now he is standing next to heart surgeons holding the heart, because he became an orderly first.  This man when he was working at DI had a friend there named Bill.  Bill had become homeless and this man went and found him and got him back on at DI and made sure Bill was OK! 

behind the scenes with the donations.  

One person Crystal from Peru doesn't speak much English.  Her job coach sees more in her, treats her with respect, helps her get in English classes, which in some areas DI offers.  Helped her get a GED and then she become a CNA.  The more resources the better you can help a person.

Another sister who says about herself she had no friends in HS and was not very smart so she dropped out.  She gets a job at DI and blossoms and 2 years later she is training those that are new at DI.

Carlos had a pharmacy for 28 years in his country.  He comes to the USA and all he can do is clean the floors in Rite Aid.  He thinks he can get a job as a driver.  He goes to the bishop and the bishop sees that he is more than a day laborer and helps him get a job at DI who then pays for him to go to become a pharmacy tech.  DI pays his wages for 3 months.  The pharmacy hires him on, because his people skills are awesome.  Everyone knows him and loves him.  This leads him to his wife getting a job there too, and then his daughter goes through the program and becomes a CNA.   They all testify to there being a light in their lives now.  They have someone who cares.

Community partnerships that will help families with rent, food, clothes and shoes, also helps with self-esteem.  Giving them a gift card is no guarantee that they will get what they need.  Taking them there, helping these children pick out their first coat, their first pillow, their own blanket.  When money is low for those community agencies, Di will raise their grants.

There are no DI thrift stores outside of those 7 states I mentioned, but the program is everywhere.  There are offices, (23 I think) in places like Texas, NY, Mexico, and the Philippines that do the same thing- help pay and train and work with people that need help. It all works through the bishops! The miracles can happen anywhere! 

DI is more than a thrift store because it transforms people’s lives.  The savior was always encouraging, helping and serving the individual.  That is what DI does.  You bring in old things and they become new to someone else.  DI does that with clothes and people as well!  

How is this all done?  How it all is paid for?  From the sales of those donations!  When we donate we are helping in more than one way.  We are helping many, many people’s lives to change for the better.

“Behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.

“And the Lord God doth work by means to bring about his great and eternal purposes; and by very small means the Lord doth confound the wise and bringeth about the salvation of many souls.” (Alma 37:6–7 The Book of Mormon) 

So Wounded, So Hurt!

On Sunday the Bishop who has been great up until NOW, humiliated me in front of the whole Ward Council.  It's been 4 days since it's happened and I continue to wake up to the feeling of intense anger and I yell- at him although I know no one is there. I yell out of self-defense and self preservation.  I really can't tell you how wounded I am.  I did not warrant what I got.  

I was told by the Stake Presidency member and the HC that I should be at the ward council meeting.  I was in Bellevue before I got married.  I tell this to the bishop and he said he's going to check.  Message is -i don't believe you.   I  never hear anything back but  my HT is in the Bishopric so I talk to him, he said they had been talking about it, so yes come in.   When it gets to the SA on the list I start.  I tell them my EXPERIENCES:

1. There was nothing here in the TF stake. 
2. I went to the stake president- He acknowledged they didn't know how to do it well, he was glad I came. 
3. For some reason the SA program here gathers the senior citiizens- I've had 2 dates with them, one that pooped on my bathroom floor.
4. I also mention that most likely they have not been in a council with a SA rep, but that it happens all over the place.
5.  I tell them about what we are trying to do.- Activities every month.  The day previous was an activity  our ward  was the only one that came through.  
6. There are 66 SA in our wards.  I need to know who is dead, moved, married, a do not contact, etc.
7. Activity announcements need to be made in RS and Priesthood. 
8. I also mention that MANY SA are not asked to speak like the married people are.  I mention this to point out the incongrucency and the fact that it is being a respector of persons. 

Here is where the crap comes in.
The bishop gets out the handbook, reads the paragraph that does not mention my calling at all.  I'm shocked.  He also mentions him talking to the stk pres who says if he feels like we need it, I can come.  A clear statement from Bishop- "If I'm invited."  Then he mentions the meeting with Elder Holland and some other big wig, who mentions that a YSA  girl hates the word young in there and that they are adults and want to be treated as such.  The way the bishop said this was like it was a REVELATION. Daaa!  They are adults, but the church cannot get rid of the word young.  Have the girl grow up or get married. One cannot get rid of that word. For the last decade there have been "mid-singles" focus in areas around the country.  You cannot name every one 18 to dead with the same name. That's kaos. I mention the books dad had read, that he shared with me about in the 1960's a women being so glad they changed it from ALL 18 to dead to 18 to 31 and then 31 to dead.  It's taken another 50 years to make another change.

Bishop yells at me for #8, insists the SA program is the same (something he knows NOTHING about) where ever you go.  Then tells me that we need the spirit here. I will speak when I am asked to!!!!!  He was red in the face, looking directly at me and everyone else was dead silent saying nothing- except for one stupid male.  

The stupid male says that were all going to be single some day.
So what's his point?  He's not single NOW!

• Does he know what it's like to leave a highly LDS populated college with out a ring on?

• Does he know what it's like leave a YSA ward having "graduated with out honors" and go to a family ward knowing that your changes of marriage just decreased a BUNCH!

• Does he know what's it like to know at new years eve that it's another year of unfulfilled dreams and unanswered prayers.

• Does he know what it's like to go to every family reunion with out a spouse and kids? 

• Does he know what it's like to go to baby showers and only have someone else experiences to share- and the same goes for every lesson at church on marriage and family?

• Does he know the fear of being alone your whole life and that when you do get to old to take care of yourself there will be no kids or grand kids to help or plan or even go to the funeral?  

• Does he know what it's like to not be picked, year after year, after year and wonder WHY?  Are you ugly?  Are you..... (you fill in the blank) . WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?  It falls into everyone's lap!  Why not yours?

• Does he know what's it like to know that all months the good eggs are gone and that all the bleeding and cramps have been in vain.

• How about Valentines Day?  How about when you come home so tired you don't want to cook or do anything, but you have to because there is only one of you. 

• Does he know how to do this all and more for 20 years and still maintain a self-esteem?  

THE LIST COULD GO ON and ON and ON and ON.   The answer each time would be NO!

Bottom line is he mocked my pain!  His experience will never compair to mine, not just because he's not a woman, but because he has a temple marriage and he has children.  If his wife were to die tomorrow he still has an eternal marriage and children to take care of and that will take care of him. 

Then there's the bishop- the man who's been "investing in me" for over a year by having the church pay for counseling.  The man who knows I was in a emotionally, sexually, physically and financially abusive marriage with the frosting being CONTROL and I'm trying to rebuild my life and who I am - AMONG STRANGERS in a FARMING COMMUNITY which is a COMPLETE 180 from where I left.  The man who knows all this but picked up HUGE BOULDERS and THREW  them at my GLASS CASTLE  - IN FRONT of 10 PEOPLE, who will then go home and tell their spouses and most likely others. I am the only one in that room who knows what's it's like to be single with no spouse for 17 years and then to be divorced!  THE ONLY ONE! 

I refussed to be treated like that.

Then he tries to appologize, takes me into his room and asks me how I feel about the savior?  REALLY? REALLY?  What does that have to do with ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED?  NOTHING!   (I'm not the only one who thinks so too)   Can we please get real!

I can't sit down., I'm pacing and he's asking me about the Savior?  Is this to deflect what he did? To put the blame on me????  Or something Elder Holland told him to do?  I've had no time to process anything.  No time to realize that he negated my feelings, experiences, knowledge and facts.  Completely negated them. So- what of my value?  Clearily the message is NONE!!   I of course CAN'T TAKE IT. I do not go into chapel, but I stay on the couch in the foyer where a women named Wendy who has been to my home and was in the stake RS presidency finds me and then finds Terry Miller the HC.  They take me into the other wards clerks office and I scream and cry and am just beside myself.  They want to give me a blessing, but they can't for a while because I can't calm down. Terry says I shouldn't worry about what others think of me.  That's easy when one has someone to go home to that valadates your existence.  Who tells you they love you regularily and oh so much more.  Maybe your fabulous at your job or with something, anything that makes you feel like your life is worth the effort, but I have none of those things or anything like unto it. Not even close.  Wendy tells me he is a man and doesn't get women's needs.

I go to the SA meetings and suffer through and leave early, because I can't sit there in what is suppose to be a committee, not a dictatorship.  I realize that they cannot think out of there Idaho box and everything they do will be a 10 to them, but a 5 for me.  So I let go of expectations and choose to not go anymore. Tell me what to do and I'll do it, but I will not sit there and ...... want to throw up.

In Utah I'd be a number, lost in the crowd.  In Twin Falls  it's stupidvill.  In WA it's the same old, same old. So where do I go?  Does it even matter?

When you're raised in my family where there is no plan B or G, or M, etc,  you are waiting for the real thing to come and when it doesn't- you are screwed- emotionally and financially, etc.   So happy life for me.  I'll just keep make believing stories in my head, giving talks in my head where I am great, because that is the only place I get if from and my brain does not know the difference between reality and lies.

Ya, my family knows all about the SA program!  3 ways in 2 ways out.  2 ways out:  death or matramony.
3 ways  in- spouse die, divorce, or never married.  Up until my stupid marraige we had all 3 and I joked with mom about going to  dances...  now it's 3 generations- mom, me and Ruth and now nephew David.

A Praying Bishop

It was a little over 3 months ago that I learned I really needed to get a roommate or make 800 dollars more a month.  I picked getting a roommate. I advertised on Craigs list and since I was asking for 2 things ( must love dogs and no smoking) and I was pretty desperate I said minimal drinking.  Something I never would of allowed, or even thought of at all.  I had 2 interested but once they learned I was LDS, I didn't hear from them again.

Then I told every one in Relief Society that I was looking and would allow this and I couldn't believe I was saying some drinking was OK.  Everyone got a good laugh.  However the bishops wife I'm sure came and told her husband what I had said and as I learned later in our next meeting he'd been praying I find a LDS girl to live with me. He knew I needed positive people around me, not more stress.

Before that last meeting I was driving on a longer trip and the thought came to my head out of the blue to just ask on Craigs List for LDS standards.  Sure, OK,  why not.  Idaho is 27%  LDS.   So I did and within a few days- boom, I got a call.  Yentle came over and wanted  to move it.  She is an RM, 26 and very busy.  After her leaving I got an email asking about it too, and later, even weeks later I got emails about the room.  All from LDS girls.   Yentle didn't move in for another month and others I'm sure could of moved in sooner, but first come first serve is the nice thing to do.  It's only been a few days, but things are going well.  We don't see each other a lot, but she likes the dogs and the dogs like her.  I don't have to worry about anything else!

It went down like this:  I had a need and let everyone know about it.  Word got to the right person, who prayed for the right thing.  His praying caused a thought to be placed in my mind and I excepted it.  I tested it out and it happened!  Pretty cool, how prayer can work.

healing a wounded soul.

I love the last 5 or so chapters of 2 Nephi. Many times when I've read those chapters I've fallen in love with Nephi and have felt that in the pre-mortal life I followed him around and listened to his words. The chapters are wonderful and full of doctrine.

I've tried to read my scriptures every day since I was 16 (I'm 39), but recently life has been so hectic that I actually thought of giving it up and only reading on Sundays. There are so many members who don't make the scriptures a life long pursuit and I've wondered how they can do that. The scriptures are such a boon to me. I don't know what I'd do with out them. I've had as prophets have said 'a love affair' with them'.

Last night I started to read Jacob ch 2. I read 1 verse and I felt the need, the impression I guess to pray. A scripture came to my mind- the scriptures will tell you all things what ye should do. I didn't think I'd find any mind blowing answers in this chapter, but maybe as I kept reading ideas and help would come. I know people have counseled to pray before you read so you have help to understand, but I've never found that to work for me. In fact it does the exact opposite.. I get more, much more by just reading and studying what comes to me. But I prayed. I prayed for the things I need, am fasting for.

Jacob ch 2 is about pride, plural wives and hearing the pleasing word or God vs. a call to repentance. Many things caught my attention. The pleasing word of God which healeth the wounded soul. I automatically thought of my experiences with my present bishop and my previous one. I went to have my soul healed. One time it happened and one time I heard nothing of the sort. With my life experiences the last 2 years that is what I needed, not a call to repentance. I got the pleasing word of God from Bishop Mix. He didn't read me any verses, but I heard the voice of the Lord through him. Again I'm thankful for that knowledge of what the word of God via the scriptures and a bishop can do for a person.

Then I came to the verses about seeking first the Kingdom of God verses riches. I love what it says about being in the phase of seeking for riches what you're suppose to seek them for- OTHERS, not yourself. I put a box around vs. 17, but studied the many foot notes of vs 18.

17 Think of your ^abrethren like unto yourselves, and be familiar with all and free with your ^bsubstance, that ^cthey may be rich like unto you.

18 But ^abefore ye seek for ^briches, seek ye for the ^ckingdom of God.

I'm in a terrible financial mess. I can't pay all my bills and need to make about 600 more a month. The non-profit credit counselor told me I should consider bankruptcy. Never in my life would I ever NEED to do that if I had not married. Never in my life would I ever consider that. I'm looking for a roommate to help a little.

Funny how the messages in that chapter were the things I'm dealing with. The scriptures have the answers.

My Heart and a Bishop

Remember this post? I realized latter that it was a loss, hence why the huge anger and tears. I lost a place to go for help, a possible supporter, a confidante, the Lords voice. I've always had that. Never had I felt like I did then about a bishop.

Today I went to see my new bishop. What a difference. He knew I needed to speak to him, before I even asked (it's not hard when you're crying all through sacrament mtg). He prayed before hand the most beautiful complete prayer. He listened, he asked questions, he spoke words of comfort. Oh I wanted to praise his name to the Lord, to praise the Lord.

He asked first about my childhood, what kind of family life I had. He asked about my mission. Elder Gardner came up. Turns out I did the right things. I wasn't as bad as I thought.

I told him about my marriage, about how things are now and about my finances. These are some of the things he said:

The Spirit tells me your a good person. I'm here as the Savior. I take that seriously. I'm here to help you get to happy again.

The Spirit tells me the Lord loves you. He knows exactly what you're going through. This is a trial, a trial of your faith.

Something that everyone else out there has experiences just like this, or a family member that has so close to this.

You'll be stronger because of this. You'll look back and understand why you had to go through this.

Maybe you're here to help me, or I'm here to help you.

You will have an opportunity in the future to marry again, I don't know when or with who, I haven't felt anything about that.

Let's talk some more.

Counseling may be something we can do.

Oh, what a difference! What a relief. I know I am in good hands. Really good hands.
I must of needed to move here for him! He had me end in prayer. I thanked the Lord for him.

Faith, Hope and Charity

You may have read THIS post from a few months ago. Every time I thought about it I would cry and get mad. I finally did something about it and here’s how it went down.

I went to a fireside for mid-singles (31-45) and somehow since it was an area 70 speaking thought I could give this to the stake president. I gave it to the area authority and he gave it to the stake president. I spoke with him before I spoke to the 70’d telling him I had tried to get a hold of him via his executive secretary by phone and email. No reply. I tried the emails for the 2 counselors. No reply. There was no contact info for the Stk. Pres. I was not happy with his response and so I gave the note to Elder Nachess. He gave it to the Stk. President. I guess that’s what they do. The next week the Stake Exec. Secretary sought me out, got my phone number and had me make an appointment for the very next week. I knew I would need to pray about this as I was still upset.

That night I found a list on Pinterest called “spiritual directory assistance”. I went through the list and found some that applied to me.

When you want to be treated better: 3 Nephi 14:9 (I found 7-12 helpful to me)

^aAsk, and it shall be given unto you; ^bseek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.

8 For every one that asketh, receiveth; and he that seeketh, findeth; and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened.

9 Or what man is there of you, who, if his son ask bread, will give him a stone?

10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?

11 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

12 Therefore, all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, ^ado ye even so to them, for this is the law and the prophets.

Somehow this led me to, or I thought of Mosiah 4:19, 21-22

For behold, are we not all ^abeggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have, for both food and raiment, and for gold, and for silver, and for all the riches which we have of every kind?

21 And now, if God, who has created you, on whom you are dependent for your lives and for all that ye have and are, doth grant unto you whatsoever ye ask that is right, in faith, believing that ye shall receive, O then, how ye ought to ^aimpart of the substance that ye have one to another.

22 And if ye ^ajudge the man who putteth up his petition to you for your substance that he perish not, and condemn him, how much more just will be your ^bcondemnation for withholding your substance, which doth not belong to you but to God, to whom also your life ^cbelongeth; and yet ye put up no petition, nor repent of the thing which thou hast done.

How could a bishop have forgotten these principles? Did the Savior turn anyone away? Did he limit the help? Did he say“only so much and no more?”

Then 3 days latter I found these:

When you are unhappy with a leader: Mormon 9:31

Condemn me not because of mine ^aimperfection, neither my father, because of his imperfection, neither them who have written before him; but rather give thanks unto God that he hath made manifest unto you our imperfections, that ye may learn to be more wise than we have been.

And these:

Matthew 18:15 Moreover if thy brother shall ^atrespass against thee, go and ^btell him his ^cfault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.

D&C 64:9 Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to ^aforgive one another; for he that ^bforgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.

Then I went to my “changing patterns” class and learned about anger.

When you’re angry think ‘Will it benefit me or hurt me?’

Anger can ruin your life.

Anger is usually a strategy for dealing with a more fundamental experience. Anger is often a reaction to some kind of frustration or thwarted need.

The major problem associated with the expression of anger is that expressing anger typically escalates conflict and alienates the person who is the target of the anger. It is unlikely to influence the target of your anger in a positive way.

Anger is a choice and therefore controllable.

Using emotionally charged words that convey anger and hostility only makes you feel bad and doesn’t solve anything. … you will feel better if you use neutral or descriptive rather than emotionally charged or judgmental words.

No one taught me these principles. I had learned some on my own in my marriage. I was learning some now. I wish I had learned 30 years ago, but better late than never.

Other thoughts about anger and the like:

Rudeness is the weak person’s imitation of strength.

If you’re going to act like a turd, go lay in the yard!

The meeting with the Stake President went well. He complimented me on how I handled it. Usually he gets people all up in arms- how I wanted to be, but thankfully was not. He also said I did the right thing and asked if him teaching him is what I’m looking for. Yes.

I said I knew why the focus the church is talking on self reliance, but that these are hard times and people with college educations don’t have jobs. I told him about my experience in Washington and the other stories I’ve heard about Idaho. I don’t understand the discrepancy, especially since ID seems to be much poorer a state then WA. I mentioned to him the scripture about asking for bread and fish, about the church sending millions to vaccinate whole countries in Africa. What I wish I had told him was what someone else told me: that the church welfare program is the temporal atonement- doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves. The Savior never let anyone go hungry even when he only had 5 loaves and 2 fishes.

He explained the Bishop had a good heart, perhaps was dealing with many welfare cases and perhaps I caught him on a bad day. When he speaks with the Bishop, he will have the bishop contact me and we will talk.

I suppose that is another post.

Meridian magazine had this article that I thought applied called "Persecuting the Poor."

Better yet- read this talk by the Presiding Bishop given last conference:

http://lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/the-sanctifying-work-of-welfare?lang=eng

"....the Church of Christ should be and is interested in the temporal salvation of man."

Going for Help

I had a weekend of DRAMA and I guess I need or want to share some of it with you. I know some will think it's inappropriate, but it's my blog and I'm super open and I don't think any of the offending parties will ever see this.

I went to see my bishop after church on Sunday for 3 things: 1. I needed a food order, 2. I need to go to counseling and to have the ward help with that either through LDS social services or another company. 3. I needed help to pay for my medication. I heard through the grapevine that the church has to pay for medicine if you can't afford it. I still have no idea if it is true or not. When Jason lost his unemployment we went yo our bishop and got 3 things: rent paid, food orders, and our electricity/water bill paid. We only asked for 2 of those things.

The evening I moved in the bishop was there and I was telling him why I moved and what was going on in my life. Either he asked what I needed or I just plain out told him I needed counseling. He gave me this strange little look and nothing much was said.

I had been paying for Corba and it looked like I couldn't pay anymore. If not, then no insurance and my medication would be more expensive.

So here I am in the bishop's office with him behind his desk and me in front (not an intimate, I care about you, we are equals setting). I told him what I needed. The food order was no problem. But the counseling- Why? - it was just a divorce, right? We'll I would have to help with that. Almost the tears started to come- I can't. I have no money to even pay ANY bills at all. Then the medication thing. Hold on, he said- I'm on anti-depressants??? He doesn't get it. He never takes anything for a headache. When things were hard as a kid he was told to buck up and deal with it and he did. I proceed to tell him that I have been on anti-depressants since I was 19! (I'll be 39 this summer). That really set him off. Questions such as when are you going to get off of them? Have the doctors said anything about that? I was shocked at even the thought. I had never considered it. I just assumed it would be life long. NO doctor has ever said anything about getting off of them.

Then he starts to tell me this story about this man he knows who was suicidal and went up into the mountains to kill himself. Once up there he realized he did value his life, however he got lost for days. In the time of being lost he realized that he needed to go off of his anti-depressants and deal with it himself. Since then he has been fine, has worked through things and so that's what I need to do, which is rely on the Lord, pull myself up from my boot straps and deal with life which had more hardships than good times. During this lecture, he's getting more passionate about it and i'm listening, but also trying to explain:

1. It's a genetic thing- I have a brother and sisters on medication. I have nieces and nephews on medication.
   
2. It's also a chemical thing- The brain is an organ and when it doesn't work right there are things that help and often fix it. We would never say to some one with diabetes- sorry, no meds for you, just turn to the Lord, or someone with a broken bone- sorry- it will heal on it's own, just wait. It will be painful, but you can deal with it with prayer. I even tried to explain neurotransmitters.
3. I explained that it was my "infirmity" that I was given. He didn't believe a word I said. Not a word.I even told him that had I had meds during HS it would of been completely different. That in the 5th grade I knew something just wasn't right with me. He asked me who told you that? No one!
   

He wanted me to explore the idea of getting off the meds! I told him not now, but i would look in to it. I mean here I am: going through a divorce at 38 years old, after finally getting married and being single in this married family and church, then I move to a new area completely, have no work and can't pay any bills. That in and of itself would say COUNSELING! He tells me about a talk by Ezra Taft Benson before he was prophet about 12 things to do to be happy- you know that Sunday school answer- read, pray, etc. I tell him I've done those things since I was 16! He says, yes but do you feel the spirit? What kind of a question is that? Just before I went in I was standing next to him and his counselor. I told his counselor that I enjoyed his talk 2 Sunday's ago and that I really felt the spirit! The bishop knows I've been a seminary teacher, an ordinance worker, he's heard my comments in gospel doctrine. I found that question offensive.

So what does he do? He goes to one of the clerks that is a pharmacist and proceeds to tell me where and how I can get free meds, and where I can get free mental health help. I'm in shock! So the basic message is the church won't help you- go to the community. By this I'm in tears and am walking out. I came for understanding, compassion and help. I got none of that, but a lecture and at best him trying to convince me of his opinion.

I go home in tears. I call my counselor in Bellevue who has been wonderful enough to call me every week, to give me support and suggestions of what to do, IE- get counseling there, find a divorce support group, find a book on grieving, etc. Then I call my brother-in-law Mike, who is a family doctor, and has been a bishop. He himself suffers from SAD: seasonal affect disorder. I tell him I want to find all these articles on line that explain things. He says that I could go to the Ensign to find articles. He suggests I have my old bishop call him. I want a blessing from him and my brother. They come, but while I'm waiting, I call Scott Bowen who was my bishop, and a member of my Stake Presidency is also a doctor/radiologist. He tells me the bishop is just naive, that I'm doing the absolute right thing in not going back to my marriage, and to go see the Stake President. My brother Karl suggests the same thing. I tell them this story:

The Sunday previous I bear my testimony about Joseph Smith, The book of Mormon, the Savior, the importance of keeping the commandments and sticking with the gospel regardless of what happens in your life because it's all still true! Then at the end I get emotional and tell them that I'm going through the hardest time in my life and I really need their help to get through, that I'm a firm believer in bearing one another's burdens, that I'm usually not a charity case, but now I am. The Stake President is there, on the stand not even cracking a smile once- seriously not even once! After the mtg is over he walks right by me, right by me and says absolutely nothing. Here's the main shepherd and after a testimony like that you'd think he'd want to meet me, to find out more about me, to offer me his support. Both Scott and Karl think this is strange.

I get a blessing about being able to take some advice and leaving others behind. I feel better. I already know that he was not speaking as a bishop, but as his regular self. I go to a dinner with some fun women. We eat, we play games and then I head home and the RS pres. comes to do the order. I go off on her, am rude, etc. She wants to leave, doesn't want to be treated like that. OK. I'm a jerk. How can she support me? Ever heard of validation. Janea thinks that's weird, RS presidents should be used to dealing with people in crisis! And that is what I am, in CRISIS. I apologize through email the next day. I have 5 talks for the bishop to read from the church magazines and pictures of brains that are depressed and brains that are not, plus a note telling him how the meeting felt to me. It has yet to go out.

I'd really just like to keep my distance. I'm sure they both think the worst of me. The RS president asked if I was on my meds now. Did Jason come? For crying out loud, can anyone see high stress levels for what they are?

I don't mean to speak evil of the Lord's anointed, but really... Where is the compassion?