There are some amazing women out there who have lead incredible lives and also write uplifting blogs. You should know about them.
1. Heather at Women in the Scriptures, (never met in person) who is a co-author of a book: the gift of giving life, presenter at a holistic conference, mother of 3. http://womeninthescriptures.blogspot.com/
2. Laurel at Just Around this Corner, my mission companion, VP of something at Deseret Book, produced Time Out for Women, not-married (yet), speaker at girls camps, friend to many, and funny! http://justaroundthiscorner.blogspot.com/
3. Megan, my cousin who I rarely saw growing up and as adults, but who I've gotten to know due to her blog. She's the mother of 5, two twin girls on the other side of the veil, 2 boys here now, one through adoption, one through birth and one little girl in the tummy! http://marcandmegan.blogspot.com/
4. Jennifer, who I met only once, who is a single mom to 4 boys, who works 5 jobs, is fun, a fashionista, and a talented writer- even on her Facebook posts. http://theboysquad.blogspot.com/
5. Jocelyn, who I've never met in person, journalist, mother of 3,expecting baby #4, champion of The Book of Mormon, The Proclamation on the family, and bringing the spirit into her home. http://beinglds.blogspot.com/
6. Shannon, who also I've never met, new mom, skin cancer survivor, publisher of scripture study journals and the like, paid seminary teacher for over 10 years, very visual learner, owner of an ice cream store, home decorator. http://www.theredheadedhostess.com/
7. Michaela, lover of the scriptures, thinker extraordinaire, writer of 2 on line books, one for teens about things they can learn from Isaiah, and one about the things the Savior has said that are puzzling. Also never met in person. http://scriptoriumblogorium.blogspot.com/
I was going to stop at the first 4, but more kept coming to me. There are so many great women out there, I hope you stop by and learn from them. Although they have different lives, they have the same thing in common; they are righteous, praying, commandment keeping, trusting in the Lord, Spirit seeking women. I would do well to live more like them.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
a group of men
So besides Mr. 64, who called me on Friday to ask if I had found a ward to go to and work HIS plan there have been others:
I chatted on line with a man in Tennessee through LDS Mid-singles of the world FB group. He flirted quite a bit and is almost, in Sept 34 and is quite anxious to talk to me, etc. There are no girls for him to ask out and he is desperate.
Then there is a non-member military guy I think 32- I don't know where he lives. All of this in less than 1 week.
I finally feel mostly comfortable (except situation like Mr. 64) being friends with men, handling myself in a dating situation. Too bad it took this long and I couldn't figure it out when I was in my 20's, but oh well. I can turn back the clock. It's funny because I have been thinking about temple marriage lately. At times when I feel the spirit I think of it and when I'm in the car alone. I would like a true companion. However one thing I think about too is a mans sex drive. I really don't want to deal with that all the time.
I hope to find some one good, really good, someone who wants kids, loves the scriptures, who knows the gospel, loves animals too, because that is big for me, has a good job who can support me, not just financially but emotionally, wants me to develop my talents and do things I enjoy, who knows what it means to lead, and honor his priesthood. Someone who is trying to be the best he can be, not make excuses for behavior. I want to do those things too, to become those things.
As for the SA program here, another person who has lived other places besides here says that it THIS place is the Worst she has seen. There are stake presidents who don't get it at all and frankly don't care. This depresses me greatly as it feel hopeless, but I will still try. However I really think I need to move if it continues to be like this.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Dating Night Mare and the non- SA program.
(Previous to any of this happening, I got the idea to see the Stake President about the pathetic SA program in the area, educate him about what it could be, by showing his examples of other area)
He was 64 and not a lawyer, but did have a PHD. Yep- old enough to be my father. He has a son who is 37. To bad he's not active and hates the church because I should be dating him! We went to a Chinese buffet and he proceeded to tell me why he wanted to go out with me- to tell me how to get a man and start having kids ASAP.
1. Ward hop. Go up to a RS sister and ask if there are any SA men in the ward and if so could you please introduce them to me. If not give her my phone number and say if you know of anyone please call me.
2. When I go meet them, strike up a conversation, make a connection with touch too, open myself up for a date.
3. If a man asks for a kiss on the first date do it. He won't ask me out again if I say no.
4. If a man asks if I like sex I'm suppose to say I LOVE IT!
5. I should snuggle up to men I've never met during dances and get real close.
The whole thing was- he didn't just tell me- he showed me. Yep- you got it, rubbing my back, my neck, my arms. he wanted a hug, a snuggle like a dance, etc. he told me they reason he's touching me is because of 3 reasons: 1. I need it. 2. He needs it and 3. He's showing me how it's done. He uses a quote from Elder Scott about touching is bad when single under or on closes if it's those important parts. He tells me all else is fine. A little strange coming from someone I don't know at all.
Oh, he's been married 3 times. That number shouldn't scare me- I was wife number 5. He proceeded to tell me that 80% of divorces in the LDS church are done by women. Our YM have been told that sex is bad. They don't organism. (I explained that the Pew Forum says the exact opposite.) They feel good nursing, so the baby becomes more important then the man and so on through the children. Pretty soon, the house, the furniture, the carpet becomes more important than the man and the only thing left is the garbage and ya put that out. He tells me I need to get the book The Act of Marriage which can be found at Deseret Book. He just assumes I don't like or have not had good experiences in bed. I tell him yes I have. He disagrees. I have told him NOTHING about my sex life, so I don't know where this idea is coming from. I explain that OH YES I SURE DO KNOW A LOT WHEN IT COMES TO THE BEDROOM.
I ask what about those Dr. Jackel and Mr. Hyde types. He tells me at my age I have to take risks. He'll call me in a month when he's back in town for work and to call him if I have any questions.
I'm left just weirded out! Usually a date is about 2 people getting to know each other, not one of them telling the other how to find someone so they can multiply and replenish. Do I listen to his advice? Take some of it and ward hop? Forget it and trust the Lord? People on FB say to run like the wind. I call a few friends and tell them the story. I realize the next morning that what he did was disturb my peace and happiness which I had to fight for his last year and finally got it through just giving it to the Lord. Just thinking about it gives me the shivers! UGGG!
He was 64 and not a lawyer, but did have a PHD. Yep- old enough to be my father. He has a son who is 37. To bad he's not active and hates the church because I should be dating him! We went to a Chinese buffet and he proceeded to tell me why he wanted to go out with me- to tell me how to get a man and start having kids ASAP.
1. Ward hop. Go up to a RS sister and ask if there are any SA men in the ward and if so could you please introduce them to me. If not give her my phone number and say if you know of anyone please call me.
2. When I go meet them, strike up a conversation, make a connection with touch too, open myself up for a date.
3. If a man asks for a kiss on the first date do it. He won't ask me out again if I say no.
4. If a man asks if I like sex I'm suppose to say I LOVE IT!
5. I should snuggle up to men I've never met during dances and get real close.
The whole thing was- he didn't just tell me- he showed me. Yep- you got it, rubbing my back, my neck, my arms. he wanted a hug, a snuggle like a dance, etc. he told me they reason he's touching me is because of 3 reasons: 1. I need it. 2. He needs it and 3. He's showing me how it's done. He uses a quote from Elder Scott about touching is bad when single under or on closes if it's those important parts. He tells me all else is fine. A little strange coming from someone I don't know at all.
Oh, he's been married 3 times. That number shouldn't scare me- I was wife number 5. He proceeded to tell me that 80% of divorces in the LDS church are done by women. Our YM have been told that sex is bad. They don't organism. (I explained that the Pew Forum says the exact opposite.) They feel good nursing, so the baby becomes more important then the man and so on through the children. Pretty soon, the house, the furniture, the carpet becomes more important than the man and the only thing left is the garbage and ya put that out. He tells me I need to get the book The Act of Marriage which can be found at Deseret Book. He just assumes I don't like or have not had good experiences in bed. I tell him yes I have. He disagrees. I have told him NOTHING about my sex life, so I don't know where this idea is coming from. I explain that OH YES I SURE DO KNOW A LOT WHEN IT COMES TO THE BEDROOM.
I ask what about those Dr. Jackel and Mr. Hyde types. He tells me at my age I have to take risks. He'll call me in a month when he's back in town for work and to call him if I have any questions.
I'm left just weirded out! Usually a date is about 2 people getting to know each other, not one of them telling the other how to find someone so they can multiply and replenish. Do I listen to his advice? Take some of it and ward hop? Forget it and trust the Lord? People on FB say to run like the wind. I call a few friends and tell them the story. I realize the next morning that what he did was disturb my peace and happiness which I had to fight for his last year and finally got it through just giving it to the Lord. Just thinking about it gives me the shivers! UGGG!
What makes it worse is this: Sunday an Elder Cook of the 12 was here for the west stake. I am not part of that stake, but went anyway to the Saturday adult session. A bunch of single girls were sitting in the row ahead of me and I talked to them. They are in a ward that is like 25 to 35. They invite me to go the pizza party at the bishops house afterwords. I go. I'm hoping to see a lot of hot men to motivate me to exercise. Lets just say I haven't exercised. These men were HUGE. Some of the people - the skinny ones- had kids. This ward has a nursery.
I talk to the bishop about my age-ya I'm getting up there. He hates having to tell the members gotta go to the family ward. He does no tell them about the SA stuff which is mainly filled with senior citizens. Ya, it's shocking, but that's what one has to deal with when one turns 31. He invited me to his FHE, but I have my own. He needs to find out what to do about his ward since the new handbook says nothing about about a 25 and up ward. First I've heard of it.
So their are a few pretty women, mostly size 14. One size 5. The men here should know about her, so they don't have to drive 7 hours to see their girl friend. This all depresses me, then the date.
Next we have a dilemma in the Magic Valley SA FB page. There is no LDS and no LDS people can find us. A change is made a an older women who never says anything says something- we can't do it- handbooks says no. THAT IS LUDICROUS! So the name was changed over and over again with in a 1/2 hour. It was one lady who thought that we couldn't do that because of what the church has said. Of course she is wrong. I respond with some explanation of what the new handbook says, saying the twin towers have not fallen. I said some other choice things and feel terrible because it hurt someone's feelings.
So all these things added up and I got really upset and at times still am. If the program was running like it was suppose to, none of this would would be happening.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Dating Options
This weekend I went out of town for a SA conference and a gentleman asked for my phone number and to take me out to dinner. He works for the Bureau of Land Management or the BLM as they call it here and the judiciary system- so he's a lawyer. He comes to Twin Falls once a month. He has 7 kids, 21 grand kids and 10 step grand kids! He also just bought 10 acres in Star Idaho. I suppose that means he has money. I think; "what are you doing asking me out?" Hello, you know I don't have children! He told me I was intelligent and cute. My friend Beverly says men always want the younger women.
I guess they call that a "sugar daddy."
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Almost 2 weeks later
It's been almost 2 weeks since my last "broken" post. I had many things happen that weekend, but I've also had other things happen the weekend after and just the past few days.
My job in the school system is over for the year. Today was my last day and I'm glad. I had thought that I would get quite a bit of unemployment and could mostly take it easy this summer while I work on getting projects done and healing, but that is not to be. I will only make 161$ a week. This will not allow me to pay all the bills I have. while I will be able to work 5 hours a week and maybe 10 hours a week, that plus unemployment will not be enough, which means I'll need to get at least a part time job.
I know I could easily go get a home caregiver job, but that will not allow me to heal from the last year. I have a tendency to get attached to people, to do more than is required and it usually doesn't serve me well. I've been down about having to work. BUT, last weekend I was mostly alone and realized that the summer with out enough people contact could not be beneficial for me either. For the first time I had thought maybe I'd need to get a part time job, just to fill the empty space. Perhaps that was preparing me for what I would find out just days latter.
You know that LDS pamphlet One For The Money by Elder Marvin J. Ashton (who I hugged at Ricks college years ago)? I got one over a month ago in RS and I did what it said to do: create a debt-elimination calendar. With out counting the bank loan that is automatically taken out of my account monthly, if I pay 250 a month on the credit cards I will be out of debt in 3.5 years. I don't know if that is possible, but I will give it my best shot.
I put new/more duct tape on my car yesterday. I need to keep that thing running for 3.5 years, basically running it into the ground, until I can afford a car payment. :(
After Friday the 18th, I woke up Saturday morning wanting to go to the temple. That is big for me. Lately I have gone out of duty and obedience. So I was able to get on a 4pm session. As is typical these days when the lights go down and the movie begins, I bawl. Again a caring sister held my hand. Oh, how I'm so thankful for that. I may have been turning my head every which way looking as if I was confused or looking for an answer. I don't know if I physically moved my head around, but mentally I was. I was OVERWHELMED with being distraught, not knowing how I could be able to move on from this mess, how I would be able to get out of my head the intense pain of what others think of me, who didn't REALLY know what was going on. I had been going to my bishop, going to counseling, etc, but nothing seemed to help. It was the 1 year anniversary of me leaving Washington and yes, Jason, but I honestly didn't know how this would ever not be in my heart and on my mind in 10 years even after the debt had been paid.
Finally in having no where to turn I cried out in my head to the Lord to take this from me. And he did almost immediately. The anger was gone and I could be at peace the rest of the session. I was even able to open the scriptures up in the celestial room. The phrase "broken cisterns" came to my mind as if to confirm the idea of being broken. While I could not find a scripture with cisterns I did find this one:
Isaiah 6:1 and Luke 4:18.... he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted,....
This brought immense peace and as I messaged with another friend on FB I spoke of this verse and in trying to find it again found others. Such as Psalms 34: 18 The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and asaveth such as be bof a contrite spirit. Or D&C 138:42 And aIsaiah, who declared by prophecy that the Redeemer was anointed to bind up the broken-hearted,......
I had spoken with my counselor about fasting for an extended period of time, telling him about my fathers 2 week fast only drinking water. It was suggested that I just have a meaningful sincere fast of just 24 hours. While at the temple I felt to do that. I had not eaten lunch yet and so began my fast.
Sunday came and the choir sang beautifully the primary song "If the Savior Stood Beside Me." I decided that I needed to go to choir and I did that day.
I went to RS and the lesson was suppose to be on the eternity of the soul. It started out with the sisters sharing about how the plan helps then when loosing someone to death and that thought came to my mind that what we all need to have is an eternal perspective and in thinking and saying this, I knew I had not been doing that at all. I have been stuck in the pain and the anguish of the here and now. As I was speaking I broke down- really broke down and a sister I didn't know left her seat and came to hug me. As the lesson went on, I shared again about my experience in the temple and how I was feeling about those who thought I was the bad guy. I wept again and more stories came out about divorce. It felt like a divorce support group-what one is suppose to be like. I heard much worse stories than mine; greater debt, extreme lies, loosing children, etc. One sister told me to get over myself. While I understand where she is coming from my pain and anguish wasn't just about the divorce. It's about the money, the financial strain, not being able to put food on my own table. It's about leaving my HOME of 20 plus years and all my friends and support system. It's about not liking my job, really needing to do something different, but HOW? It's about the abuse I've suffered from. It's about the less than effective SA program here. It's about the possibility of never being married again, not having children. It's about how I've screwed up at work quite a bit. It's not Simple. It's not. But I did go home feeling better.
Then I went to choir practice and we sang the hymn Sweet Hour of Prayer. I wrote this in my journal: And since he bids me seek his face, Believe his word, and trust his grace, I'll cast oh him my every care, And wait for thee, sweet hour of prayer.
He's asking us to seek his face. Joseph Smith wanted us all to find out about God. We are to cast on him our every care and wait for HIM! I always thought it was wait for the hour of prayer.
Then I find this on line:
What are our myths of Peter? How do the scriptures make meaning out of him?
Peter is the one who walks on water, but gets frightened and sinks (Matt 14: 28-31), the one who tries to defend the Prince of Peace by cutting off a servant's ear (John 18: 10), the one who denies Christ and bitterly weeps (Matt 26: 75), the one who has and embraces a movement-changing vision (Acts 10: 9-28),
but later gets rebuked by Paul for being afraid of revealing how far
that vision has taken his faith from his people's customs (Gal 2: 11-14).
Our myth of Peter is a one of our greatest myths of discipleship and church
leadership. It is about miraculous faith accompanied by devastating
failures in faith, about startling visions and doctrines coupled with
burdensome day-to-day business and persistent inequalities. We don't
expect Peter to do everything right, or to embody every positive
principle. Part of his myth is the ways that he falls short and fails.
(Can we see Christ's grace in Peter's stumbling?)
I think if Peter goes through stuff like this, then I guess It's normal for me too. I guess I don't have to compare myself to Laurel, to Paige, to Aimee, to Nikki, to Sarah my sister. ( As I closed the folding walls I thought of my YW room and those years with Rachel and Linda Pope and Dawn Thompson and the thought of sitting there again and having to share my life with the Aimee, Paige, Nikki, and others- I sure as heck wouldn't. I would want to be just like I was then, full of anger, hiding under it) My trials do not take away my worth as one of the woman said after relief society. And that's what I've been doing. Thinking that due to my trial,( of over 20 years) I am again "less than". Less of a person with Less worth.
I called Ruth and heard her sad story. No longer do I judge. Her situation is SO much worse than mine and regardless of it being some of her making, it is TERRIBLE. I'm sure she feels more of a failure than I do, wants her life to end more than I do. I do not want her trials.
On Monday during recess I sung in my head that primary song "If The Savior Stood Beside Me" every time I felt negative thoughts about the kids. It did well until recess #3 and I took the tune and made up songs of the mean things I'd want to do with the kids.
However I felt as if I had turned a corner. The anger was gone for a week and much if not most of it is gone completely.
The next Friday I missed my meds and Sat I was a mess and spent an hour writing in my journal about all those and other girls/women I grew up with and comparing my life to theirs. That is not healthy. Comparison is the thief of joy.
My job in the school system is over for the year. Today was my last day and I'm glad. I had thought that I would get quite a bit of unemployment and could mostly take it easy this summer while I work on getting projects done and healing, but that is not to be. I will only make 161$ a week. This will not allow me to pay all the bills I have. while I will be able to work 5 hours a week and maybe 10 hours a week, that plus unemployment will not be enough, which means I'll need to get at least a part time job.
I know I could easily go get a home caregiver job, but that will not allow me to heal from the last year. I have a tendency to get attached to people, to do more than is required and it usually doesn't serve me well. I've been down about having to work. BUT, last weekend I was mostly alone and realized that the summer with out enough people contact could not be beneficial for me either. For the first time I had thought maybe I'd need to get a part time job, just to fill the empty space. Perhaps that was preparing me for what I would find out just days latter.
You know that LDS pamphlet One For The Money by Elder Marvin J. Ashton (who I hugged at Ricks college years ago)? I got one over a month ago in RS and I did what it said to do: create a debt-elimination calendar. With out counting the bank loan that is automatically taken out of my account monthly, if I pay 250 a month on the credit cards I will be out of debt in 3.5 years. I don't know if that is possible, but I will give it my best shot.
I put new/more duct tape on my car yesterday. I need to keep that thing running for 3.5 years, basically running it into the ground, until I can afford a car payment. :(
After Friday the 18th, I woke up Saturday morning wanting to go to the temple. That is big for me. Lately I have gone out of duty and obedience. So I was able to get on a 4pm session. As is typical these days when the lights go down and the movie begins, I bawl. Again a caring sister held my hand. Oh, how I'm so thankful for that. I may have been turning my head every which way looking as if I was confused or looking for an answer. I don't know if I physically moved my head around, but mentally I was. I was OVERWHELMED with being distraught, not knowing how I could be able to move on from this mess, how I would be able to get out of my head the intense pain of what others think of me, who didn't REALLY know what was going on. I had been going to my bishop, going to counseling, etc, but nothing seemed to help. It was the 1 year anniversary of me leaving Washington and yes, Jason, but I honestly didn't know how this would ever not be in my heart and on my mind in 10 years even after the debt had been paid.
Finally in having no where to turn I cried out in my head to the Lord to take this from me. And he did almost immediately. The anger was gone and I could be at peace the rest of the session. I was even able to open the scriptures up in the celestial room. The phrase "broken cisterns" came to my mind as if to confirm the idea of being broken. While I could not find a scripture with cisterns I did find this one:
Isaiah 6:1 and Luke 4:18.... he hath sent me to heal the brokenhearted,....
This brought immense peace and as I messaged with another friend on FB I spoke of this verse and in trying to find it again found others. Such as Psalms 34: 18 The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and asaveth such as be bof a contrite spirit. Or D&C 138:42 And aIsaiah, who declared by prophecy that the Redeemer was anointed to bind up the broken-hearted,......
I had spoken with my counselor about fasting for an extended period of time, telling him about my fathers 2 week fast only drinking water. It was suggested that I just have a meaningful sincere fast of just 24 hours. While at the temple I felt to do that. I had not eaten lunch yet and so began my fast.
Sunday came and the choir sang beautifully the primary song "If the Savior Stood Beside Me." I decided that I needed to go to choir and I did that day.
I went to RS and the lesson was suppose to be on the eternity of the soul. It started out with the sisters sharing about how the plan helps then when loosing someone to death and that thought came to my mind that what we all need to have is an eternal perspective and in thinking and saying this, I knew I had not been doing that at all. I have been stuck in the pain and the anguish of the here and now. As I was speaking I broke down- really broke down and a sister I didn't know left her seat and came to hug me. As the lesson went on, I shared again about my experience in the temple and how I was feeling about those who thought I was the bad guy. I wept again and more stories came out about divorce. It felt like a divorce support group-what one is suppose to be like. I heard much worse stories than mine; greater debt, extreme lies, loosing children, etc. One sister told me to get over myself. While I understand where she is coming from my pain and anguish wasn't just about the divorce. It's about the money, the financial strain, not being able to put food on my own table. It's about leaving my HOME of 20 plus years and all my friends and support system. It's about not liking my job, really needing to do something different, but HOW? It's about the abuse I've suffered from. It's about the less than effective SA program here. It's about the possibility of never being married again, not having children. It's about how I've screwed up at work quite a bit. It's not Simple. It's not. But I did go home feeling better.
He's asking us to seek his face. Joseph Smith wanted us all to find out about God. We are to cast on him our every care and wait for HIM! I always thought it was wait for the hour of prayer.
Then I find this on line:
What are our myths of Peter? How do the scriptures make meaning out of him?
Peter is the one who walks on water, but gets frightened and sinks (Matt 14: 28-31), the one who tries to defend the Prince of Peace by cutting off a servant's ear (John 18: 10), the one who denies Christ and bitterly weeps (Matt 26: 75), the one who has and embraces a movement-changing vision (Acts 10: 9-28),
but later gets rebuked by Paul for being afraid of revealing how far
that vision has taken his faith from his people's customs (Gal 2: 11-14).
Our myth of Peter is a one of our greatest myths of discipleship and church
leadership. It is about miraculous faith accompanied by devastating
failures in faith, about startling visions and doctrines coupled with
burdensome day-to-day business and persistent inequalities. We don't
expect Peter to do everything right, or to embody every positive
principle. Part of his myth is the ways that he falls short and fails.
(Can we see Christ's grace in Peter's stumbling?)
I think if Peter goes through stuff like this, then I guess It's normal for me too. I guess I don't have to compare myself to Laurel, to Paige, to Aimee, to Nikki, to Sarah my sister. ( As I closed the folding walls I thought of my YW room and those years with Rachel and Linda Pope and Dawn Thompson and the thought of sitting there again and having to share my life with the Aimee, Paige, Nikki, and others- I sure as heck wouldn't. I would want to be just like I was then, full of anger, hiding under it) My trials do not take away my worth as one of the woman said after relief society. And that's what I've been doing. Thinking that due to my trial,( of over 20 years) I am again "less than". Less of a person with Less worth.
I called Ruth and heard her sad story. No longer do I judge. Her situation is SO much worse than mine and regardless of it being some of her making, it is TERRIBLE. I'm sure she feels more of a failure than I do, wants her life to end more than I do. I do not want her trials.
On Monday during recess I sung in my head that primary song "If The Savior Stood Beside Me" every time I felt negative thoughts about the kids. It did well until recess #3 and I took the tune and made up songs of the mean things I'd want to do with the kids.
However I felt as if I had turned a corner. The anger was gone for a week and much if not most of it is gone completely.
The next Friday I missed my meds and Sat I was a mess and spent an hour writing in my journal about all those and other girls/women I grew up with and comparing my life to theirs. That is not healthy. Comparison is the thief of joy.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Broken or Whole? I can't decide.
from someone I met once; Jennifer:
It’s never sat right with me—calling myself by that term. *SINGLE* Defining myself by the thing I lack.
I was genuinely more happy once I lost myself in my life and in possibility.
my time isn’t about me “pampering myself,” it’s about me surviving...
I have diligently tried over the last two, maybe three, years to not let my relationship status deter or define me.
Becky's Voice now:
In counseling today I told him that I want to drown myself. Then at the end I told him I want to kill somebody. Then I quoted from a pin: "I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me." He laughed. He knows I'm not serious about those things, just a way of saying how I feel.
He says I see myself as "broken", but I am not. His advice, is to count my blessings. I know that sounds cliche, but he didn't say it like that. It's more about living in the now and, like Jennifer said, in possibility.
The thing is I've felt broken my whole life. elementary school, HS, my mission, college, YSA life- all of it- I felt broken, and I thought marriage would fix me- I'd have someone to love me, to put cement in the cracks and make me whole and better. Not just better-not-sick-anymore, but better as in a better me. I also wanted marriage so someone would take care of me and so I would fit in and to be on the right path and to have children.
I got married and I got more broken and couldn't even take care of myself let alone him.
Jason, my counselor says I'm not broken. OK, I'll try and believe that. Depressed- yes, beaten down- yes, unsure- yes, but I am whole- I guess.
Jewels song "Hands" ran through my mind in counseling.
It
makes sense on a level never felt before. So maybe this should be my
new theme, the words I say to myself when I feel broken or less than.
Those last 2 words, those are the words I've felt about myself for so
long- so less than. And you know what- that phrase is what my
patriarchal blessing says I will do- help those less fortunate then me.
So, that means I can't be all that broken- right? There are others
more broken, others with less than what I have, so that should make that
blessing list doable- right?
I'm still trying to convince myself. I think you'll be able to tell when I believe it.
It’s never sat right with me—calling myself by that term. *SINGLE* Defining myself by the thing I lack.
I was genuinely more happy once I lost myself in my life and in possibility.
my time isn’t about me “pampering myself,” it’s about me surviving...
I have diligently tried over the last two, maybe three, years to not let my relationship status deter or define me.
Becky's Voice now:
In counseling today I told him that I want to drown myself. Then at the end I told him I want to kill somebody. Then I quoted from a pin: "I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me." He laughed. He knows I'm not serious about those things, just a way of saying how I feel.
He says I see myself as "broken", but I am not. His advice, is to count my blessings. I know that sounds cliche, but he didn't say it like that. It's more about living in the now and, like Jennifer said, in possibility.
The thing is I've felt broken my whole life. elementary school, HS, my mission, college, YSA life- all of it- I felt broken, and I thought marriage would fix me- I'd have someone to love me, to put cement in the cracks and make me whole and better. Not just better-not-sick-anymore, but better as in a better me. I also wanted marriage so someone would take care of me and so I would fit in and to be on the right path and to have children.
I got married and I got more broken and couldn't even take care of myself let alone him.
Jason, my counselor says I'm not broken. OK, I'll try and believe that. Depressed- yes, beaten down- yes, unsure- yes, but I am whole- I guess.
Jewels song "Hands" ran through my mind in counseling.
My hands are small I know but they aren't yours they are my own,
and I am never broken.... In the end, only kindness matters.
I'm still trying to convince myself. I think you'll be able to tell when I believe it.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Summer Bucket List
I've never had a summer "bucket" list before. I've had the summer plans list. Recently I just figured out what the bucket part meant- what you're going to do before you "kick the bucket." I don't know if I will get it all done, but I'm hoping that I can work about 10 hours a week and live off unemployment. Sounds nice huh? I need this time to do some more figuring out and healing. I don't' have any money so it needs to be free or cheap. Here's the list:
Books:
Stuff To Do
Books:
- Finish Elder Bednars book Increase in Learning.
- Perhaps read Elder Hollands book Christ and the New Covenant. (My book, but the last book my dad was in the middle of reading when he died. I miss him.)
- Finish and review How to be an Adult.
- The birds of prey wildlife refuge near Nampa
- The WWII air museum
- The Oregon Trail place at Glens' Ferry
- Perhaps Utah to see friends.
- Perhaps Eastern WA to see friends.
Stuff To Do
- Finish crafts that are still in my living room.
- Create a USA map on canvas out of material.
- Finish 2 Christmas Cross stitches.
- Go through some boxes and organize better and throw more stuff away.
- Watch, listen and learn some computer tutorials to use the computer better.
- Exercise 5 to 6 days a week.
- Cook more
- Take those Dr. Oz feel full pills Mom bought me at Costco.
- Take the dogs swimming as much as possible.
- Go river rafting again.
- Pull a Rolland Rose and fast for an extended length of time. Not for a spouse, but for happiness, to what to do with my life and financial relief.
- Blog a whole lot more!
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