Making an American Flag

My sister worked for a company that makes American Flags, Red Cross Flags and some others. With it being near the birthday of our nation I thought I 'd share these pictures.

I have more, but they are slow to get on the blog and the computer. Happy Independence Day!

I'm doing it!

An up date on my beauty challenge to myself.
I'm doing it!
I'm putting on makeup and curling my hair 5 out of 7 days!
Not bad huh!
I do feel better!

Happy Fathers Day Dad!

My dad has been gone for almost 3 years. I wish he was here right now, only younger with some advice for me. But lets face it, his advice was always "get married". Gee, wish I could just to easily do that for him and for me. But regardless, here is a great video about a great dad.

More insight

First of all, I'm writing this because it's been so therapeutic for me and has let me really understand myself and to put a finger right on it. I hope you don't mind me getting personal.

Last night as I was heading to bed I also realized that another reason I was struggling is because I know I'm going to leave my field of care giving. I'm burned out after 11 years and need a change. I'm the poorest I've ever been this year. I'm worried about being stuck here with my mom being poor the rest of my life. Sometimes I see no real out unless I get married.

I want to be a veterinarian assistant. It pays more, but it's not a good time to change jobs and loose benefits which I need so badly due to the medicine I'm on. There is fear with this change and a few ways I could do it. 1. spend 10 thousand dollars and 6 months going to school through PIMA. 2. Go to a 3 quarter night program through Renton Technical College. 3. Train on the job. I'd like to do # 2 and 3. But the timing must be right. I'm fearful of not being successful with my life, with always trying to make it, to finally get somewhere, of being stuck in this going no where life. Being a wife and mother you know where you are and what your job is and you keep doing it. Marriage is one answer to that fear.

I also realized that I need VALIDATION. Sometimes I have these failure dreams, about random things, but I know what the message is; others being better and me failing. When a person is continually left behind, not chosen and does not have a career, but a job, life doesn't look so promising. A man gives you validation for a weekend and then doesn't call and I feel worthless. Not just because of him, but because of everything that I've blogged reciently. I know that's not healthy, that I should have my own self confidence regardless of what happens in my life and relying on somone else is not heathly for that either. So, what is a girl to do, besides hang on and get through until she gets back up and feels ok again? There you go. I think that's it, but you never know, I may get more insight into this period of my life.

Oh- one more thing. I'm not thinking eternally, but just earth life and with fear and not faith.
Heavenly Father has said to me in a blessing:

I will not let you fail in any way, as long as you continue to work diligently
to live the commandments, to do the things you have been placed here to do.

Success is relative.

I realized

I realized today when driving the dogs that just because Abraham and Sarah had received the promises and believed that God was able to fulfill his promises and raise up the dead, it was still hard. It was still a trial and there was probably still crying and prayers. I was thinking those scriptures would stop that.

My coping method is to create stories in my head, stories of having a boy friend, etc. I don't like it. I only do it when I'm in these times. I wonder if Sarah did the same thing? Did she imagine herself pregnant, giving birth, with a baby, a little boy and a man that is a son and an heir to the promises. Maybe it's not such a bad thing after all. When I get a chance to talk with her in the next life, this is what I will ask.

My Favorite Faith Scriptures

The last 2 months have been very difficult. I've cried a lot. I've been in this flat effect depression daily, hourly and nearly every minute. I've already had 2 blessings and plan on getting another. I've tried at times to ground myself in truth; in what is and not what might be, but I've struggled with not being married in a way I haven't in the last 3 years. Believe it or not I have 15 promises of marriage and a family. They are all written down. But there are moments when I want to give up, to loose faith, and to forget it all.

I recently taught seminary 4 days. I was blessed to teach Hebrews 11-13, some of my favorite New Testament scripture generally and my favorite scripture specifically about faith. I taught the juniors and seniors. I broke them up into groups of 3 and gave them a few verses and had them write every example of faith, each one on a sheet of paper. Here are a few examples:

1. Through faith we understand that the worlds were ^aframed by the ^bword of God
2. By faith ^aAbel offered unto God a more excellent ^bsacrifice than Cain,
3. By faith ^aEnoch was ^btranslated that he should not see death (verses 3-5 not in full)

We built a 'wall of faith'. The goal of course is not have have our personal walls of faith broken down by the enemy or penetrated by doubt, fear, or any other tactic of Satan. As one idea says we should present evidences to our mind that we become unshaken. I taught this lesson before my 'difficult time'. I told the kids about my blessings and about my lack of dates. But I also told them that I believed them, that I trust the Lord.

I think one of the main reasons I'm struggling so, is because so many single friends are getting married or have gotten married. I've been to 3 sealings already. There are more to come and some I won't be invited to, but they are none-the-less happening. I'm happy for them, really I am. I know they have waited a long time too, I just don't understand why it's not me. I feel as if this summer and perhaps on will be a trial of my faith. It's a trial I wish I didn't have to go through, but that I want to pass. I'm attending the temple weekly per normal and praying in tears for blessings. But I still wait. To help with this waiting I've created a list of scriptures that I will put in my purse and post on my wall to keep my faith strong like those of ancient times. I don't want to waver for fear my desires will not be fulfilled. You can see by what I've underlined what is important to me. I'm hoping this will get me through. Here is the list:

Through faith also Sara herself received strength to conceive seed, and was delivered of a child when she was past age, because she judged him faithful who had promised. Hebrews 11:11

By faith Abraham, when he was tried offered up Isaac: and he that had received the promises offered up his only begotten son, Hebrews 11:17

Accounting that God was able to raise him up, even from the dead; from whence also he received him in a figure. Hebrews 11:19

These all died in faith, not having received the promises, but having seen them afar off, and were persuaded of them, and embraced them, and confessed that they were strangers and pilgrims on the earth. Hebrews 11: 13

Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us, Looking unto Jesus the author and finisher of our faith; who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross; Hebrews 12: 1-2

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Jeremiah 29:11

The eyes of all wait upon thee; and thou givest them their meat in due season. Thou openest thine hand, and satisfiest the desire of every living thing. ....He will fulfill the desire of them that fear him. Psalm 145: 15-16,19

Our Secret Garden's

Both abundance and lack of abundance exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend . . . when we choose not to focus on what is missing from our lives but are grateful for the abundance that’s present—love, health, family, friends, work, the joys of nature, and personal pursuits that bring us happiness—the wasteland of illusion falls away and we experience heaven on earth.

Sarah Ban Breathnach