Counseling Again

I'm going to counseling again.  Yesterday was my first visit with Jason (ironic-no?).  He's been practicing for 18 years, is LDS and has lived in Olympia Washington, so he feels my pain with the whole Idaho is pathetic thing.

I've been to counseling a lot.

I went twice at Ricks with a different counselor each time, each year.  I'm a firm believer that everyone in college should  take advantage of the free counseling if they need to.  Everyone has 'ghosts' 

I even went on my mission a few times.

Then USU, I went to a group session which was good and saw a few other counselors too for a short while.

I went to this volunteer retired so called counselor through LDS Social Services while in CA.  He'd fall asleep and really didn't help at all.  Jason told me the 'counselors' at the above mentioned place are social workers, not counselors.  There is a difference!

I went a few times while living in WA twice to different counselors.  I wish I would of gone to more, especially when after the whole Eric V episode.  It took me a year and a half to get that out of my system.  The first year I'd go over and over it in my head daily and multiple times.   The last six months It was more random, not every day.  I wondered last night how my life would of been different had I found professional help.  Maybe I would of been told that Prozac only works 10 years, not 17 and the next few years would of been completely different.  Maybe I wouldn't of made the same mistakes I made ten years later.

While I was married I saw 2 different counselors specifically for me.  Another male counselor was there for Jason too and I came with.  Jason met with all of the women  that I met with at least once.  However counseling with him didn't work.

Then a saw a woman through the Nampa Family Justice Center.  She wasn't LDS and had all these false ideas about Mormon men being controlling. (Huge EYE ROLL)  She wasn't very nurturing.
I even went to a "pattern changing" class that was helpful with other women in unhealthy relationships.

I'm glad to be seeing Jason.  I believe I've got the right person.  He's going to help me 'reclaim my life'.  He gave me the straight talk I needed.

My Heart and a Bishop

Remember this post? I realized latter that it was a loss, hence why the huge anger and tears. I lost a place to go for help, a possible supporter, a confidante, the Lords voice. I've always had that. Never had I felt like I did then about a bishop.

Today I went to see my new bishop. What a difference. He knew I needed to speak to him, before I even asked (it's not hard when you're crying all through sacrament mtg). He prayed before hand the most beautiful complete prayer. He listened, he asked questions, he spoke words of comfort. Oh I wanted to praise his name to the Lord, to praise the Lord.

He asked first about my childhood, what kind of family life I had. He asked about my mission. Elder Gardner came up. Turns out I did the right things. I wasn't as bad as I thought.

I told him about my marriage, about how things are now and about my finances. These are some of the things he said:

The Spirit tells me your a good person. I'm here as the Savior. I take that seriously. I'm here to help you get to happy again.

The Spirit tells me the Lord loves you. He knows exactly what you're going through. This is a trial, a trial of your faith.

Something that everyone else out there has experiences just like this, or a family member that has so close to this.

You'll be stronger because of this. You'll look back and understand why you had to go through this.

Maybe you're here to help me, or I'm here to help you.

You will have an opportunity in the future to marry again, I don't know when or with who, I haven't felt anything about that.

Let's talk some more.

Counseling may be something we can do.

Oh, what a difference! What a relief. I know I am in good hands. Really good hands.
I must of needed to move here for him! He had me end in prayer. I thanked the Lord for him.

Faith, Hope and Charity

You may have read THIS post from a few months ago. Every time I thought about it I would cry and get mad. I finally did something about it and here’s how it went down.

I went to a fireside for mid-singles (31-45) and somehow since it was an area 70 speaking thought I could give this to the stake president. I gave it to the area authority and he gave it to the stake president. I spoke with him before I spoke to the 70’d telling him I had tried to get a hold of him via his executive secretary by phone and email. No reply. I tried the emails for the 2 counselors. No reply. There was no contact info for the Stk. Pres. I was not happy with his response and so I gave the note to Elder Nachess. He gave it to the Stk. President. I guess that’s what they do. The next week the Stake Exec. Secretary sought me out, got my phone number and had me make an appointment for the very next week. I knew I would need to pray about this as I was still upset.

That night I found a list on Pinterest called “spiritual directory assistance”. I went through the list and found some that applied to me.

When you want to be treated better: 3 Nephi 14:9 (I found 7-12 helpful to me)

^aAsk, and it shall be given unto you; ^bseek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you.

8 For every one that asketh, receiveth; and he that seeketh, findeth; and to him that knocketh, it shall be opened.

9 Or what man is there of you, who, if his son ask bread, will give him a stone?

10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?

11 If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father who is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

12 Therefore, all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, ^ado ye even so to them, for this is the law and the prophets.

Somehow this led me to, or I thought of Mosiah 4:19, 21-22

For behold, are we not all ^abeggars? Do we not all depend upon the same Being, even God, for all the substance which we have, for both food and raiment, and for gold, and for silver, and for all the riches which we have of every kind?

21 And now, if God, who has created you, on whom you are dependent for your lives and for all that ye have and are, doth grant unto you whatsoever ye ask that is right, in faith, believing that ye shall receive, O then, how ye ought to ^aimpart of the substance that ye have one to another.

22 And if ye ^ajudge the man who putteth up his petition to you for your substance that he perish not, and condemn him, how much more just will be your ^bcondemnation for withholding your substance, which doth not belong to you but to God, to whom also your life ^cbelongeth; and yet ye put up no petition, nor repent of the thing which thou hast done.

How could a bishop have forgotten these principles? Did the Savior turn anyone away? Did he limit the help? Did he say“only so much and no more?”

Then 3 days latter I found these:

When you are unhappy with a leader: Mormon 9:31

Condemn me not because of mine ^aimperfection, neither my father, because of his imperfection, neither them who have written before him; but rather give thanks unto God that he hath made manifest unto you our imperfections, that ye may learn to be more wise than we have been.

And these:

Matthew 18:15 Moreover if thy brother shall ^atrespass against thee, go and ^btell him his ^cfault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.

D&C 64:9 Wherefore, I say unto you, that ye ought to ^aforgive one another; for he that ^bforgiveth not his brother his trespasses standeth condemned before the Lord; for there remaineth in him the greater sin.

Then I went to my “changing patterns” class and learned about anger.

When you’re angry think ‘Will it benefit me or hurt me?’

Anger can ruin your life.

Anger is usually a strategy for dealing with a more fundamental experience. Anger is often a reaction to some kind of frustration or thwarted need.

The major problem associated with the expression of anger is that expressing anger typically escalates conflict and alienates the person who is the target of the anger. It is unlikely to influence the target of your anger in a positive way.

Anger is a choice and therefore controllable.

Using emotionally charged words that convey anger and hostility only makes you feel bad and doesn’t solve anything. … you will feel better if you use neutral or descriptive rather than emotionally charged or judgmental words.

No one taught me these principles. I had learned some on my own in my marriage. I was learning some now. I wish I had learned 30 years ago, but better late than never.

Other thoughts about anger and the like:

Rudeness is the weak person’s imitation of strength.

If you’re going to act like a turd, go lay in the yard!

The meeting with the Stake President went well. He complimented me on how I handled it. Usually he gets people all up in arms- how I wanted to be, but thankfully was not. He also said I did the right thing and asked if him teaching him is what I’m looking for. Yes.

I said I knew why the focus the church is talking on self reliance, but that these are hard times and people with college educations don’t have jobs. I told him about my experience in Washington and the other stories I’ve heard about Idaho. I don’t understand the discrepancy, especially since ID seems to be much poorer a state then WA. I mentioned to him the scripture about asking for bread and fish, about the church sending millions to vaccinate whole countries in Africa. What I wish I had told him was what someone else told me: that the church welfare program is the temporal atonement- doing for us what we cannot do for ourselves. The Savior never let anyone go hungry even when he only had 5 loaves and 2 fishes.

He explained the Bishop had a good heart, perhaps was dealing with many welfare cases and perhaps I caught him on a bad day. When he speaks with the Bishop, he will have the bishop contact me and we will talk.

I suppose that is another post.

Meridian magazine had this article that I thought applied called "Persecuting the Poor."

Better yet- read this talk by the Presiding Bishop given last conference:

http://lds.org/general-conference/2011/04/the-sanctifying-work-of-welfare?lang=eng

"....the Church of Christ should be and is interested in the temporal salvation of man."

The help I have had

At mom's birthday party at her house the end of May.

He's a small update on the Bishop/RS thing. Next Sunday the Bishop gave me an envelop. Inside it was 4 fifty dollar bills. No note, nothing. I still decided to send him the packet of information from church magazines and a few from the internet about depression, but with out the note telling him I didn't think he was acting as a bishop. I apologized to the RS president via email, but got a suggestion to bring her cookies. I haven't done that yet. I pretty much ignore her because I feel so childish, psychotic, un-loveable, etc. I feel like I did it wrong. The ward does not know me, at least not the fun loving, wise cracking, making people laugh me. Instead they know the "my life sucks" me. To late now. I will have to prove myself from here on out. I emailed the Bishop this week asking to receive a calling. I need to feel a part of the ward, to make friends beside the retired bunch.

I got the internet up this week, thanks to my brother in law Mike. He was on the phone for an hour talking to pain in the butt people, while Cindy helped me frost my hair. I think it was the next day while sitting in front of the computer how much help I really have had, from family at least. I have gone over to there house sometimes daily to use the internet, print out copies of my resume. I have eaten their food and they have let me bring my dogs to the back yard to play with Sadie their dog. I flew here for one weekend before I moved and Mike spent more than one day driving me around to look for places to live. He helped me with cover letters, adding touches to my resume, etc. They have been invaluable! I owe them at least an ink refill! I have called in crying times not knowing what to do and they have been there for me. Let me tell you. Blessing are on the way for them!

Take for instance Mark, my brother. He lives in Nampa, but flew into Seattle to help my mom load up the U-Haul and drive it to Idaho. Him and I, just the 2 of us, pretty much loaded my life into a 17 foot U-Haul. Mike or Mark drove the U-Haul for me, while I drove my car. Before we got there, he had contacted his Bishop and had him pass on the message that help was needed and before the truck even showed up a bunch of people were there. It was unloaded in 30 min.
I have just stopped by some Saturday's and Holly has invited me to eat dinner. We have had hamburgers all 3 times I showed up. They make a good burger! :) Holly came and helped me with my house things, vacuumed my floor and taken me to the temple twice.

Mom has let me use her computer, her washer and dryer and let me eat her chocolate bars, her ice cream and sugar cones, has made me lunch and yesterday she came to my house to vacuum and bring me shorts she fixed for free for a grouchy legal blind man I work for.

I'm sure I've missed some of the wonderful things they have done to help, but they have helped and that's why I came to be with family- for support during this very difficult time in my life.

Thank goodness for them!