Marriage, Marriage, Everywhere

The message of marriage seems to be everywhere. The first 2 weeks at my new ward is was talked about, the first in sacrament mtg, the second in RS. When I have down time I often read conference talks from past years on my phone. I read one a few days ago about anger that had marriage in it. I was blog looking today and found some new blogs and many of them were about marriage, families, scriptures, etc. They often quoted one of Julie B. Beck's really great talks. It just seems to be in the air and here I am leaving a marriage (to a man who wants me) that I yearned and prayed for for so long.

In my bitter single years I had this "sick irony" list. Here's a few of them:

1. Sarah was afraid to hold babies, now she has 5! I couldn't get enough of babysitting and I have none.
2. I collected papers on how to decorate a home, collected item to decorate a home. I don't have my own home. Janea would wonder why I would collect something like that while we were in college and she has called asking for help with that.
   
3. I majored in Family and Human Development and I have never developed one.
   

Now it's this: I wanted marriage, I got it, it was terrible, I left and he wants me back.

Where is the Jeff Thompson in my life to give me a prophetic blessing to let me know I have a future, if I'm doing the right thing, what I should do now, etc?

I've felt like I have a big D on my forehead. My friend Jeannie felt that way too and it's helpful to know I'm not the only one.

While I would like to be married, like to not be single, like to not be divorced at this time I cannot. It's hard because Jason really wants us to make it. I've been tempted to go back, just for him. But that is not a good enough reason. 4 people have told me that and I believe it. I would resent him. I would be tempted to leave again. I'm sure there would be this need for both of us to do everything right so as not to upset the other person. It hurts my heart that I'm hurting him like this. He wants t his so badly and he has righteous desires, but there are many reasons why it's just not right. I have to be true to myself. If I'm not true to myself, I cannot be true to anyone else. I wish I could spill my guts about why, but that would not be nice to him.

I'm still a firm believer in the family. I have a sign in my home that says "families are forever", I have the proclamation on the family framed. I would like to be a wife and mother, but with the right person. Yes, that means I made a mistake. I got married for the wrong reasons to the wrong person. While I almost did that in 1999, I really did in 2009. I sure hope I've learned enough lessons to not make the same mistake 3 times. I have all the right knowledge, the right goals, but my hormones have got in the way. Courtship takes time- at least it should.

So, I go on, trying to make it in Idaho, not knowing what the future holds for me in the way of, well... everything: career, friends, healing, moving on, dating, marriage, children. I do the best I can and let the Great Creator do the rest. If he can administer comfort to Adam, he can administer it unto me. D&C 107: 55 I put a sign by my door on a sticky note that says; I will get through this! I hope I will. I hope I will find happiness again and feel that comfort that I'm so looking for. Some day. I'll let you know when that happens.

One Month and Counting!

Well, It's been about a month and a half since we've been married. We are getting to know each other better- what upsets us and what makes us happy. I changed my job so we have more time to do that. Evenings are ours! We've had some funny happenings the first month. Here they are:

• Our pipes froze for a whole week! No showers, no dishes, no flushing the toilet! We showered at moms, did dishes and laundry at mom's. Good thing shes so close!
  
• I started a load of a laundry and filled our small machine to over flowing. The belt was burned and the pump stopped working for a while. We had suds everywhere! I took some pictures and may get them up. Jason is a good enough man to not say anything negative to me.
  
• I drive a little fast and pumped a hole in the oil pan in Jason's Passat, so that car was out of commission until Jason could get some liquid steal and fix it himself. We were a one car family for a week- funny since we have 3 cars and a motorcycle. Jason drove me to work and picked me up too and never said anything about that either.
• We dog sat for 10 days over Christmas this less than one year old Lab named Bella. She was a nightmare! She pooped and peed in her house, mom's house, ate shoes and tried to sleep on us! We drove back and forth from our place, to mom's and then to Renton where Bella lives. We will never do that again!
  

I need to get pictures of the bridal shower up and the wedding. I've narrowed them down to 630- getting rid of about 50 of them. Pictures and cards have yet to go in books and thank you card have yet to be written. It's on my brain, just not out of my hands yet.

I got a primary calling in church teaching the 8 year olds, the kids that just got baptized. Jason and I are giving talks on the 17th in Sacrament Meeting.