Reality and Fears

There have been a few times when I've cried at work. Sometimes my clients notice, sometimes they don't. The sadness about my life can be overwhelming and I feel as though I screwed it up badly and it can't be fixed completely, but I don't know for sure. Here's why I feel this way.

The biggest reason is that I screed it up. It's my fault. I knew better, but I did wrong anyway. Jason and I were very intimate with each other before me got married. We didn't go 'all the way'. Our dating life consisted of movies, food and nakedness. We got some advice to marry rather than break my covenants. So we did. This is difficult for me because of 2 blessings I've had in the past, one being my patriarchal blessing that says this: A young man will come into your life to help you in the teachings of your children and through his love will help you develop some of your greater attributes. That's all it says about a man. I always thought it was a pretty good sentence. There's a whole paragraph about children. Two years before I got married I got a blessing from Jeff Thompson, my seminary teacher of 4 years, my friends father and his wife was my merry miss teacher and YW president. He gives amazing blessings that are often prophetic. This one that is 2.5 pages typed out single spaced (we always record them) said: "He(the Lord) will not allow you to fail in anyway; as long as you continue to work diligently to live the commandments to do those things that you have been placed here to do. ... You still have the opportunity to one day be sealed to a worthy husband".

To read about WHY we should stay morally clean before marriage read this- it's great!

I feel as if I failed, that I screwed up the plan. I know he knows the end from the beginning and perhaps this is part of the path, or that he knew what I'd do. The difficulty is knowing that the pains that I'm suffering now are due to my sins. There is so much that is tied to this, that I just don't know how to take any of those blessings any more. There are no men in my life that give those kinds of blessings anymore. I want one so badly. Some sort of message of sins forgiven or will be forgiven, that those things can still be achieved or if I ruined it. Some guidance and direction of what I should do, where I should head, what I should focus on.

I went to a few single adult activities recently and the ratios are terrible. One fireside had 25 women and 3 men. Another activity was more like 50 women and 12 men. There are women much prettier than me. They are thinner, have longer hair and their faces are pretty. will I ever have a chance to be married again? Doesn't look like it. It's depressing to think that I could possibly be single for the rest of my life, not ever be a mother and fulfill the measure of my creation.

I will need to find a way to support myself for the rest of my life. My family has helped me out so much, I don't know that I can say I've ever done it completely on my own. When mom is gone who will I call just to talk to, or go to for money when I'm desperately in need and can't do it myself? I can probably forget about traveling. I will have to find a way to be happy being single again, to find fulfillment in my life. I will be the single woman who most will think I never married, although I did and he still wants me. Will I regret leaving? Will there always be this feeling over my head of what I did, what I didn't do and how I screwed it up. How will feel about myself?

One other thing is the loss of friends. I left the area I've lived as a child/teenager for 10 years and then anther 10 as an adult, with about 10 in between the 2.

Often it's overwhelming and I beg for mercy, for help,and relief from the Master himself.

But all I can do is this:

Family: A Celebration

Before I got married I was an ardent supporter of The Family: A Proclamation to the World. I had a strong desire to be married, to have a family and knew that was the right thing to do. I didn't have my own, but the principles taught therein were true and correct and the world needed them. I did not shy away from any talk or lesson or blog or anything that taught this.

But then I got married. I knew it was not right. It was not happy, not righteous, not at all what this proclamation spoke of, and so l left my marriage. Now I'm single again and do not know what will happen to me in the future. There is this sadness, a sense of failure to something I believed in and wanted. While the principles and doctrine are still true it's harder to hear and read about it and families and such. I'm still healing.

But there are 4 great women who are putting on a 2 week Celebration of Family and the Proclamation online in their blogs. I read 2 of them regularly, 1 of them occasionally, and the last one- today is my fist time. They are:

http://beinglds.blogspot.com/ We Talk of Christ, We Rejoice In Christ
http://www.theredheadedhostess.com
http://chocolateonmycranium.blogspot.com/
http://rovinroberts.blogspot.com/ Welcome to the Madness

Every day their posts will be about some aspect about the Proclamation. You might want to tune in! Printable, prizes, stories and lessons will all be apart of it!

While it's hard for me, not having a spouse or children. I still believe in it. I still know it's true. It's hard, but I will try and celebrate too.

New Job, so I'm not going !

I got a job at Petco today as a assistant groomer. I'll be washing and brushing the dogs. In 3 to 6 months I can start training to be a groomer. With out this I'd have to go to school. It's about 32 hours a week. I'll be off every night at 6 and is in Nampa, next to the Costco, Target and across the freeway from Winco! Everyone seems nice there so far.

I'll try and make the 2 jobs work together, but I suspect that I will cut out some hours- hopefully the ones in Boise so it's less driving.

I've also made another decision. I will not be going to the "divorce care" group. Time is so precious and if you're not filling my bucket, forget it! I have other books to read, other people to be with that do fill my bucket. So, the book goes back and the money comes back too! I feel good about this. It makes the decision easier to tell them it's because of a job. I brought treats in last time, so I think that was a good send off!

Figured it Out

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I've been attending a "divorce support" group. Well, it's a little different than what a true one probably is. This Nazarene church uses programs- christian videos and such. I went through "divorce recovery", which was 6 weeks. Today started "divorce care". No one but the instructor (I think she's paid) knows I'm LDS and not because I told her. Tonight I paid 8 dollars for a work book. I looked through it while the video was on and it's alright. I have been fluctuating about this class, should I go or bag it. The people are good, and what they are saying is good, but..... I couldn't put my finger on it before, but tonight afterwords in thinking about it I figured it out.

What they are teaching I've been getting every Sunday for my whole life. How to handle problems and a support system for doing so is already in place. I go to church for 3 hours, study the scriptures there where we all participate and think, not just listen to some one else expound. We are encouraged to read scriptures ourselves, to VT, to .... the list goes on. Think of it- what the prophets say, what the books say in RS, in Gospel doctrine, etc. Think of all the books we've been through all these years and the things we've gleamed. What they are offering me is not new to me at all. Besides the fact that marriage and divorce takes on a deeper meaning to us.

So I'm glad I figured it out. Will I keep going? I don't know. I'll take it week by week.

This is the book we'll be using.

Boundaries

This picture says some of what I'm trying to explain here. In my pattern changing class we've talked about boundaries. I've read the home work a lot, made posters for my house and have been practicing them. It's helpful. It makes life easier. Here's the information I've places on my walls.

How to Maintain Personal Boundaries:
1. Ask directly for what you want.
2. Forster inner self-nurturance
3. Observe others behavior towards you and take it as information.
4. Maintain a bottom line (how many times you'll let______________ happen)
5. Change the locus of trust from others to oneself.

Do not waste time on injustices you have no control over. Focus on goals and forget the rest.
Control of another vs. Honor of another.
Clear boundaries = freedom.
The most important things to learn from this class are:
*The bill of rights
*Boundaries
*Assertiveness

No boundaries:
- act of out compliance and compromise.
- are manipulated by flattery so that you loose objectivity.
- commit yourself as long as the other needs you. (no bottom line)

All of this has helped a lot. I've not answered phone calls, told people other ways to get help besides me and it's made a difference in how I've felt.

I got this information from these books:

Five for Friday

1. I am not doing that 31 days of reading proverbs. It's just not the right time for me and it's not doing anything for my spirit and that's important right now. There are other months with 31 days in it. This is what the Bible dictionary says about Proverbs.

There is much in it that does not rise above the plane of worldly wisdom, but throughout it is taken for granted that “the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom” (1:7; 9:10). The least spiritual of the Proverbs are valuable as reminding us that the voice of Divine Inspiration does not disdain to utter homely truths.

2. I'm reading The Book of Mormon instead. I'm looking for scriptures about the atonement specifically because of this quote and also about God the Father. Here are some other cool things I've found and how I'm looking at them.
A. The most important thing you can teach your children according to Elder Ballard is that they are children of God.

One day, years ago, I was at a seminary meeting where Elder Ballard was speaking to us – and he said something that I will never, ever forget. He said, “If my grandchild were in your classroom, there is one thing I would want to be certain that you taught them….” Now pause, for a moment – before he finished that statement, I remember being so impacted by it. He was making our classroom personal to someone that he cared deeply about, so I knew he was going to say something that I should heed. So, I was on the edge of my chair and ready to learn whatever he was going to say. He finished that sentence by saying, “I would want you to teach them that they are children of God.” (From this blog)

B. 1 Nephi 11:7 And I said unto him: I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.

C. 1 Nephi 15:14 And at that day shall the remnant of our ^aseed ^bknow that they are of the house of Israel, and that they are the ^ccovenant people of the Lord; and then shall they know and ^dcome to the ^eknowledge of their forefathers, and also to the knowledge of the gospel of their Redeemer, which was ministered unto their fathers by him; wherefore, they shall come to the knowledge of their Redeemer and the very points of his doctrine, that they may know how to come unto him and be saved.

Knowing you are not just a child of God, but a covenant people of the Lord according to this scripture tells us 3 other important truths as well. They are 1. I know my past, my history. (not only the history of the children of Israel, but my history from the very beginning of time) 2. I know the gospel of my Redeemer. 3. I know how to come unto him and be saved!

Wow- that's a lot huh!

Do you see the progression? A few years ago I thought- so what I'm a child of God- so is everyone else- that doesn't make me special. But someone said to me- basically the message in that last scripture. You are a child of God who has been baptized, who has made covenants in the temple, who has access to the priesthood.

3. I am back to the job search for a job that will pay my bills. I'm only working 12 to 17 hours a week and only making 8.50 an hour. Not enough. I thought I had some good paying jobs just waiting for me, but they didn't come to pass, so I start again with a serious job search. Your prayers on my behalf would be appreciated.

4. FLEAS, FLEAS EVERYWHERE. I can't lay down in my bed, I can't sit down in my car with out being bit. Sadie, my sisters golden retriever got them from spending the night with me. No more dog sleep overs. If you know me, you know of my OCD behavior of scratching and picking my wounds. My legs are the ugliest they have ever been. I'm trying everything I possibly can- vinegar in the dogs water, garlic pills for me, cedar chips under the bed, bombing the house, borax in the carpet. Something has to work. Once I have the biting stopped and the wounds healed I can focus on putting fade cream on the scars. Maybe next summer I'll have nice legs, maybe, just maybe

5. I've been going to this divorce support group. We basically watch videos- a series of 6- from this Christian guy. I would rather spend my time talking than watching a video. It's in the basement of a Nazarene Church. Everyone in the group is Christian. No one knows I'm a Mormon. The videos are OK, the people in the group are really good people. I hear things about being saved, and laying on of hands, swear words, and prayers with Amen's, and yes in the middle from the one not voicing the prayer. We pray holding hands in a circle.

But my situation is so different and because of my beliefs it's different. (Marriage can be for eternity, is a gospel ordinance, I will only marry a temple recommend worthy Mormon so my choices are limited, I have no children and I may not have any.) Those things are a HUGE difference to what they are dealing with. They may have been married for 14 years or 8 years, or what ever and have children, and that is hugely painful, but the lack of the knowledge of eternity and the WHY of marriage makes it so different. I think about Ensign talks that the instructor should share with us. (I will give them to her) I think of reading stuff to make next time (if there is a next time) better. I think of how to say the things other say with gospel words, scripture words.

I tell you this because I don't know if I will continue. The next class will be "divorce care". I usually get something out of the class, but sometimes not. Maybe I will do a few classes and see if it helps with anything. My pattern changing class is telling me that I need to be number one, I need to take care of myself and to give myself a gift at least once a week. This divorce class is either good for me or it is taking up my time. These people do social things together on Friday nights, go camping, go the park after class and I just can't see myself really meshing with these people, really opening up and being me. I need LDS friends. While it's a good opportunity to share the gospel, and I'm not sure why I haven't shared my particular faith with them (No one else has), I guess because I'm afraid of trying to be "saved", convinced I'm wrong, shouldn't be there, etc. But I'm learning that I even have to be honest with the people in my ward that I'm divorced. It's making me who I am. It is who I am. I can't hide that, because I doing so I hide myself. So I will share, when the time is right with my ward who I really am and I will continue to think about and see if I will continue with this divorce christian group.

FINAL

I am now just a single rose, but one is a whole number and
one rose is beautiful all on it's own.

Today the divorce became final. Judge Debra A. Orr pronounced it before 9:30 am. I think I will always remember her name. I texted Jason the news and he said back "love 2 U". There were no tears or happiness on my part. It just is. I exchanged one worry for another. I go back to praying for a temple marriage- I actually prayed for that while I was married too. But my friend Cindy from work back in Bellevue told me to pray for someone to cherish me that I can cherish too, and to ask myself, not how do I feel about the person I'm with, but how I feel about my self. She's a wise woman. She knows because she's been there.

I've been going to a divorce support group on Wed with other Christians in the basement of a Nazarene church in town. No one knows I'm LDS, but they will soon. We are all writing how God has helped us through this, sharing scriptures, prayers, music, friends or family. The scriptures I share will be from The Book of Mormon.

Two weeks ago I started going to a 14 week class called 'pattern changing'. So far both times I walked away realizing how battered I was. I was so stressed out about the class last night I needed to talk to someone. It's not a therapy group, but educational. I decided I need counseling the day after the class, not before or the day of.

Here are some things that I learned that spoke to me. It all spoke to me, but these were stronger than others.

From a paper called "self-Advocacy Strategies Questionnaire":

#8 If a decision will lead to either guilt or resentment, go with guilt! Because it is more likely I will be acting in my best interest rather than someone else's.

#23 When a woman says, 'i feel sorry for him,' she is making the other person's problem her problem. If I feel sorry for him, I'm suppose to do something about it. I should do something that he would like me to do (go back to him; stay in the relationship). This is faulty thinking! I may not like to see him suffer, but it may be contrary to my best interest to do something that reduces my guilt and alleviated his pain. I am not responsible for solving the problems that he caused and for which he needs to be held accountable. (Otherwise, he'll never learn and will continue to treat other women the way he treated me.) If I do something that he wants because I feel sorry for him, it means that I may be placing his wants and interests above my own (and my children's) best interest. I must act in my best interest.

I've already started to use this (not just the classes, but the whole experience: dating, marriage, and divorce) as a learning experience.