Ode to the past.... and hope for the future

I woke up Saturday morning the 5th of January, knowing that Jason had moved on completely.

This one describes our marriage:   

Then I left and he kept trying for a year to get me back. This would be his song at that time:

This would describe my answer to that: 

This represents hope for the future:

Notes from Sunday

From Sacrament meeting: 
A 10 or 11 year old boy got up and shared how he doesn't feel apart of his family, feels in essence neglected and maybe shouldn't be apart of the family.  I heard he has aspbergers, but have not interacted with him so don't know for sure.  With me teaching about King Benjamins address I realized that he feels like the "dust of the earth" and in his need, his awareness he turned to God to pray. The message being once we see our own nothingness, that we are unprofitable servants, we see our need for the Savior so clearly.

From Sunday School: 
From a Meridian Magazine gospel doctrine article, the spirit told me to do:
1. Lay down my life (my marriage, my divorce and my situation now) for the Lord.
2. Develop an independent relationship with God.
3. Become less dependent upon the approval of others for a sense of personal worth.

From giving my lesson and watching the BOM video presentation # 3 and reading Mosiah 3:19

For the ^anatural ^bman is an ^cenemy to God, and has been from the ^dfall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he ^eyields to the enticings of the Holy ^fSpirit, and ^gputteth off the ^hnatural man and becometh a ⁱsaint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a ^jchild, ^ksubmissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to

That part of submitting to what the Lord will "INFLICT" on us is strange in a way, but I realized that Abraham submitted to Jehovah  in the sacrifice of Issac and likewise Issac submitted to his father- all inflictions!

In preparing my lesson I need to be clear to myself, what principles I will be teaching and what I will testify of at the end. That will make it go smoother and help me to have it more prepared. 

From Relief Society: 
The RS president and Bishop is not all knowing, like the Godhead, so that's why there is VT, HT, to inform them of needs that can meet, but can't see. 

When someone has physical needs it is hard to focus on spiritual needs - Bishop Mix

Avoid debt like the plague.(I couldn't help but think of Jason)

The church welfare principles and programs sustain life, not lifestyle! Bishop said every situation he has worked with has been completely different in what he suggests families to get rid of or keep.

Bishops are to SEEK out the poor. (I couldn't help but think of the bishop in Nampa)

Park of the Lords Store House is not just our money and food storage, but also our talents,our time, our prayers, etc.

My thoughts and wishes:

I'd really like to do posts about my marriage with Jason and how messaged up it was, about how he hurt me.  I'd like to put it in categories.  I can't stop thinking about it, about the situations.  I also wish I could let the couple who introduced us the financial situation he left me in, regardless of him giving me 1/2 of his meager retirement and him spending the second 1/2 by himself with in 2 to 3 months. I'd like them to know what I experienced.  They only have one view and honestly I'm really angry at them, but I know I shouldn't and so I won't. I'll write it out, but not share it. 

I'd like to do blog posts about the creeds of Christianity and how scripture blasts it away.

I'd also like to put in one place the scriptures in all standard works that teach the basic same principle in different words with more added to it.  

Reality and Fears

There have been a few times when I've cried at work. Sometimes my clients notice, sometimes they don't. The sadness about my life can be overwhelming and I feel as though I screwed it up badly and it can't be fixed completely, but I don't know for sure. Here's why I feel this way.

The biggest reason is that I screed it up. It's my fault. I knew better, but I did wrong anyway. Jason and I were very intimate with each other before me got married. We didn't go 'all the way'. Our dating life consisted of movies, food and nakedness. We got some advice to marry rather than break my covenants. So we did. This is difficult for me because of 2 blessings I've had in the past, one being my patriarchal blessing that says this: A young man will come into your life to help you in the teachings of your children and through his love will help you develop some of your greater attributes. That's all it says about a man. I always thought it was a pretty good sentence. There's a whole paragraph about children. Two years before I got married I got a blessing from Jeff Thompson, my seminary teacher of 4 years, my friends father and his wife was my merry miss teacher and YW president. He gives amazing blessings that are often prophetic. This one that is 2.5 pages typed out single spaced (we always record them) said: "He(the Lord) will not allow you to fail in anyway; as long as you continue to work diligently to live the commandments to do those things that you have been placed here to do. ... You still have the opportunity to one day be sealed to a worthy husband".

To read about WHY we should stay morally clean before marriage read this- it's great!

I feel as if I failed, that I screwed up the plan. I know he knows the end from the beginning and perhaps this is part of the path, or that he knew what I'd do. The difficulty is knowing that the pains that I'm suffering now are due to my sins. There is so much that is tied to this, that I just don't know how to take any of those blessings any more. There are no men in my life that give those kinds of blessings anymore. I want one so badly. Some sort of message of sins forgiven or will be forgiven, that those things can still be achieved or if I ruined it. Some guidance and direction of what I should do, where I should head, what I should focus on.

I went to a few single adult activities recently and the ratios are terrible. One fireside had 25 women and 3 men. Another activity was more like 50 women and 12 men. There are women much prettier than me. They are thinner, have longer hair and their faces are pretty. will I ever have a chance to be married again? Doesn't look like it. It's depressing to think that I could possibly be single for the rest of my life, not ever be a mother and fulfill the measure of my creation.

I will need to find a way to support myself for the rest of my life. My family has helped me out so much, I don't know that I can say I've ever done it completely on my own. When mom is gone who will I call just to talk to, or go to for money when I'm desperately in need and can't do it myself? I can probably forget about traveling. I will have to find a way to be happy being single again, to find fulfillment in my life. I will be the single woman who most will think I never married, although I did and he still wants me. Will I regret leaving? Will there always be this feeling over my head of what I did, what I didn't do and how I screwed it up. How will feel about myself?

One other thing is the loss of friends. I left the area I've lived as a child/teenager for 10 years and then anther 10 as an adult, with about 10 in between the 2.

Often it's overwhelming and I beg for mercy, for help,and relief from the Master himself.

But all I can do is this:

Jason A Mason

I'm getting married in November to Jason Alan Mason. Jason is a brick mason and construction guy. He has blue eyes, is almost 6 feet tall, is buff and the kindest, gentlest, loving man I've ever met.

The old High Counselor that I worked with in the single adult program emailed me about him. He's a new convert and needs friends, he said. I asked if he was 'normal'. He is and very good looking too! We talked on the phone a few times before meeting in public at the single adult Ensign Ranch Family Camp out Labor day weekend. Our eyes connected and stopped us both in our tracks as I walked around the parameter. I shook it off as and told myself I didn't know him.

Later he came up to me and said "I know you. You're Becky". I was speechless and didn't know what to say. We danced a few times. I was able to introduce him to my sister and brother who were also there and he gave me a side hug that night.

After that he proceeded to chase me, calling me on my way home from the camp out. We didn't go out till the next sat after stake conference. He took me to The Cheese Cake Factory one of his favorite places. We talked about marriage, babies, how we wanted our life, etc. It was weird for a first date. I thought he was going to try to kiss me and I wasn't going to let him.

The second weekend after meeting him, both of us went to Astoria Oregon for a SA conference. We went in separate cars, but spent most of our time together. It was there that he held my hand for the first time as we walked on the beach.

I had concerns at first about how long he'd been a member- just a few months and that he'd been married a couple times. But with one prayer asking what I should feel and what I should do, peace came over me and I then I asked him about his past, he sat me down and told me. It was then that I wanted to kiss him and it seems like we haven't stopped since. I no longer have any reservations at all. I trust him completely.

I told him I hadn't been kissed for a LONG time and that I didn't remember how. I was right! For 2 weeks he kissed me while I was a bad kisser, but I finally got the hang of it.

One of our best dates was a motorcycle ride up to Snoqualmie Falls, dinner at a Mexican restaurant, and then 3rd row tickets, right in the middle of the theater for Wicked! It was so awesome. I was so excited for days before and days after! It was just great and he did a lot of work to get those tickets on such late notice. I was so happy that he did such a nice thing for me. We went to Alki Beach in West Seattle afterwords.

I found out later that Jason had thought that a friend would introduce him to his next 'girl'. He also prayed for a girl with short blond hair, brown eyes, athletic build, and small breasts! His prayers were answered! In a lot of ways Jason is just what I need in a man. While he doesn't have all the usual things on the list, like being an RM, knowing the scriptures, etc, he is what I need and he will get a knowledge of the scriptures and everything else that goes with that.

Jason has 2 kids. Megan is 21 and Ben is 17. They both live with their mom in Illinois.

We will be starting our life together on Nov 20th 2009!