6 Desires

The Sunday school lesson I taught today to the 16 year olds was on 3 Nephi 17-19.   I used a teaching idea the manuel suggests of having the kids write down 6 desires and then share with them what the Nephities desired.  What they desired was the Holy Ghost.  After we read and I taught about this, I then asked them to cross off any desire that was not spiritual. 

None of the kids crossed off anything.  One young man asked a question asked about his desire for a good job.  I shared with him one of mine about getting out of debt and how that is spiritual to me because I'm in bondage.  Having a good job is a spiritual goal because he will be able to take care of his family.

Since I haven't shared anything spiritual in a while I thought I'd share what I wrote down.  Here are my desires. 

1. Financial worries gone
2. A temple marriage to a righteous husband.
3. Children
4. Anger completely gone, never to return.
5. knowledge about how to do my job better
6. Sarcasm and bitterness gone.

As I walked out of church I thought of another one I should of put down, but wasn't thinking of. 

7. Being able to forgive Jason.

Another thought came to me as I was preparing this.  Maybe the anger, bitterness, sarcasm would be gone once I had forgiven Jason.  Another thought came too.  However I am not just angry about Jason, but other people and situations as well.  I know that number 4 and 6 are biggies in my life right now.  I am sarcastic, angry and bitter A LOT of the time. But if I could forgive Jason I would need to assume my anger towards him would be gone. 

I'm trying to read a book my niece recommended that really helped her.  It's called Love is Letting Go of Fear.   This book says that the only goal we should have is peace of mind.  The book also states that forgiveness is our single function and the way to achieve peace of mine.

I didn't think I was going here, but I guess thinking through things is like therapy, which is why many counselors tell their clients to journal.

Not sure how to do all that, but I know I need to do it.  I'll ask my counselor and I'll turn to Heavenly Father and maybe the bishop.  There is SO MUCH under all of #4 and 6 that go WAY back that still plague me today. 

Oh.  The big message umbrella message that came to me while I was teaching today and shared with the kids was the Jesus knows and loves us all personally.  Ya, even in all our weaknesses and infirmities.  That's what I told then, but do I believe it enough to not make me hate myself enough to love and forgive others.  Enough to stand by myself and still feel my worth and value as an individual.  For decades now I've felt that I will never be completely healed of my infirmities until I am in the arms of my Savior.  Exactly what happened to the Nephities.

Wow- look at the way that all came around as I sat here and cried and thought my way through so many things.

Softball and Being Real

Thursday in PE the kids were playing a sort of baseball game in the gym.  I flashed back to being a young teen maybe 14 or 15 and playing softball with Brother Bardsley as the coach.   Two memories: One of him taking me behind the scenes of everything else and standing just feet from me, throwing me the ball, helping me to catch and throw correctly.  He'd move back and back and and we'd keep throwing to each other.  That is the man who taught me to throw a ball. 

Then there was the time that I lost the game for us.  I was up to bat and still sucked at it.  I don't know if I ever got good.  But there was a lot of pressure from both teams of what to do.  To swing or  not to swing. Both teams were yelling at me.  Voices coming from every where of what to do. And who did I listen to?  Not my team, not my friends, not my coach.  I listened to the opposing team.  I listened in essence to the enemies.  I realized Thursday what that means. I didn't trust those people who had me in their care.  I don't think it was "them", (the people on my team that I didn't trust), but the main adults in my life.  I'll leave it at that for the reader to figure it out.  

Or maybe I was just stupid.  Just not mature enough intellectually yet, or maybe both?  But that is how it's been really.  I've been afraid to trust God, because of what he would or would not give me.  I got over that pre-marriage, but I'm trying to figure it out now, not knowing what words, what blessings,  what promises to still put trust in or what to ignore and lay aside.  Lay it aside because I screwed up and screwed up badly, altering the course of my life.

It's sad really to be at this place at 40.  But all I can do is to keep on keeping on and work on getting out of this mess that has me crying at strange times due to strange memories, because I can't compartmentalize. It's all related, all tied together.  What's happening now, with what happened at 15.  I just want it to go away.  To be saved from this all.  But even the financial salvation would still leave me with me and he questions of WHO am I? and What is my life's mission?  Am I a failure?  A looser?  If not, show me.  Show me how not to be.  And please make it easy, because it's been so hard and sometimes I want to throw in the towel, and not try anymore.  I want to give up.  But I don't because I have too much knowledge.  And that is what keeps me here, trying, going to church, teaching the kids in Sunday School, trying to pray and to read my scriptures.  Hoping that the cloud will clear and the light of who I am will shine through and I will find that I am valuable and there was a purpose to this.  A REAL purpose.  More than just consequences.  Is that possible? Is it possible to feel real after a divorce?  To feel real when there is no one love in your life?  To feel real when you are single and most often alone?