Tell the Drama to your Llama!

Guess what-- You're the Llama!

DRAMA ONE    About 2 months ago I could not sleep, so I got up and wrote 2 pages to the couple who introduced Jason  and I, and supposedly counseled us.  What a joke!  The letter was good healing for me and I didn't cry or get angry about them afterwords .... until just a few days ago.  I put some money in my credit union and headed home.  That's when the tears and anger started again and It didn't stop.  I was SO mad at them.  They were clueless about Jason's spending, about the money my mom gave me from my inheritance to pay bills. Double and then some of what he took out of his retirement to pay HIS and OUR bills.   I woke up the  next morning and did the same thing.   I'm not sure what set it off, but I had a mind to just write a letter and this time send it.  Just facts this time.  The first letter was harsh and hurtful and clearly expressed how deeply I was wronged.  I've been fine for 2 days now, but.....

DRAMA TWO   Then there is the issue of "The Talk."   I've been in my current ward for 1 year and 3 months now and have I been asked to speak in sacrament meeting?  NO!  If your married and/or have a cute family then of course they ask you to speak with in like 2 months.  Not us singles.  I've come to realize that it's being a respecter of persons, which is not a good thing.

I like pubic speaking and some years back- maybe 8, I had 4 or 5 talk out lines ready to give if I was ever asked.  I wasn't.  I still have them but I'm sure with new life experiences they would be changed somewhat.
So every day for like 3 to 4 weeks I've been giving the "let me introduce myself" portion of the talk out loud to no one or in my head.  It's not pretty.   It's full of bitterness, looking down at others, trying to prove that I am something or at least WAS something.  That's what I figured out- it's about a self- esteem wack.

I'd mention things about:

How many countries in Europe I'd been to (8).
How many states I've visited (2/3rds)
My Israel and BOM lands cruise. 
Then I tell them about my HUGE family- 7 kids, 26 nieces and nephews, 11 great nieces and nephews.
I'd tell them about how I came to this earth (through my father following the prophet).
I speak about how Twin Falls is clueless about the SA program.
How Idaho is just full of Farmers who have never left the state and know nothing of the outside world.
Of course I mention my wards with millionaires in it.
The CEO of Expedia being in the bishopric, the millionaire stake presidents, single men making 6 figures a year.
I'd point out that men here are so proud of of making 50K at a cheese, dairy or yogurt factory and I cringe.  Cringe because I sure as heck don't want to date them and don't want to live in Idaho the rest of my life and sure as heck don't want to raise kids that have only experienced this, because we couldn't afford it.
I'd tell them how I was a tree hugger, how I'm NOT from Idaho.
I'd mention callings- you know- give them my "church resume"- seminary teacher, temple ordinance worker, my mission. 
I'd tell them that the church was the same everywhere, except for the SA program here in ID.  O gosh I had/have the list of beefs that everyone else is CLUELESS about.
I'd mention my marriage, that it was abusive on 4 different levels.  That I had to come here to heal among strangers.  

Can you feel the pride?  The enmity? So can they. 

I couldn't stop doing this.  It was like an addiction. I didn't know why, and then all of a sudden I realized it was an effort to build me up (or at least knock them down), to show value in my self.  Clearly I didn't have any.  A few weeks previous I remembered what I had learned about 10 years earlier- that men don't find angry and bitter women attractive and this time I learned that neither do women.  While doing my scripture study I did some foot note searches and found out of the blue scriptures that we don't really use for  the topic of pride.  It was good for me, but "the talk" still continued.

One night I couldn't sleep.  I was up crying and doing basically the same thing- reviewing the past.  How was I going to make it stop?  When it hit me- my word for the year- TURN!  Turn from the PAST to the FUTURE.  So... what of my future?

DRAMA THREE   I've been subbing and some days have been good.  The para-ed's have liked me and other's it's been.... I've been... "demanding" of kids that are lazy, not trying, stupid, etc and I have not treated them nicely.  Geese Becky,  didn't you learn your lesson in Gooding?  I mean  do your job and shut up!  Don't insult the kids!  Don't loose patience! And be nice- ya know- like Jesus would. I subbed in HS resource room, but I was also on NO meds. That combination = trouble. I don't have the kindness and patience and ability to make connections with those kids.  I see problems that need to be disciplined, not kids that need to be reached.

I can't be a teacher.  I don't have the patience.  You have to be SO on your toes ALL THE TIME- with class work, behavior, preparing for next day, next week, etc.  It's to much for my brain to handle.   One on one PSR is good.  I've thought about foster care for the money and helping too, but mostly the money.

My future.  What does it hold?  More schooling?  More low paying jobs with no benefits.  Maybe school and then perhaps another failure or another low paying job. What do I do?  The bishop mentioned 'career goals' in his last email to me.  Here's the deal- I don't have career goals.  I never have.  I had the get married and be a mommy career plans.  I kept waiting for that to happen and it never did. Now I'm 40.

I'm working 2 low paying jobs that in a month will go up to almost 15 an hour.  Subbing which is... random and only 65 a day.  And in the summer?  Then what?  I don't have unemployment till Aug 2013.  I need to find a better job.  I need a roommate.  So what did I do?  I filled out applications for low income housing.  I qualify.  I probably qualify for help with heating bills too and also Medicare or caide - what ever it is.  Aren't I just the college grad success story? 

What's fun is my sisters who are judgmental about Ruth and I. What would they be doing with no husband to buy them big homes and trips?  How would their self-esteem be?  Could they go to church every Sunday and feel equal?  Could they support themselves with a pre-school teachers income or what ever they went to school for?  NOPE, but they judge.

I'm judgmental about teachers in Gospel Doctrine.  I didn't participate too much in last weeks SA get together. I played games on my phone instead.  Then there's the SA progam here.... I don't even want to get into that.

The lady who I almost killed on the motorcycle is wanting 1 million dollars from me.  Will they go to mom? Only time will tell.  Mom can give them 1/4 of a million from insurance.

While at times there is a longing to be a super mom, to have a great marriage, mostly I see kids at HS kissing and I want to puke.  I don't like fat guys. I don't like being on top.  I don't the idea of being poor.  Sometimes I'm too bold, too blunt and almost crude at times- in my head mostly. I started a thread on BYU-Idaho Alumni page on FB and it caused some to not be happy.  While there is so much more I want to say to others, I filter.  Scott Mowrer would be proud- his and his million dollar traveling family now.  Ya'd think the rich could throw the poor a bone every once in a while. I love being left behind.

But I'm taking this Llama thing to a gripping session and that's not what I wanted to do.  So I end here.  It's too long.  Most won't read it and I don't have a big readership anyhow.  But it's out there.  Out there for someone to maybe respond.

On a positive note, I'm reading the scriptures every night from the original copy BOM look alike. 

Trial of Faith (take 2)

FYI:  Jason called me yesterday at 7am on my way to the new job.  He still does not have a job.  It's been SO hot in St. Louis (106 degrees) that they won't let the  brick masons work, hence no money.  I've been praying that friends and family get jobs.  I need to add him to the list.  He also wanted to know about my dating life.  Nope,  not gonna tell him about that and I don't want to hear about his dating life either.  I will discuss money and inquire about the welfare of family (and he can too), but that is it.  The whole things was a little shocking really, but it takes away one of those anniversaries (see post below) which is fine and good and as it should be.

In other news:  

So, a few weeks ago, I was hired by a different company that does the same work as I've been doing only in Twin Falls, which means A LOT less driving and also pays two dollars an hour more. A savings and a gain. But as I went to trainings, I kept walking away thinking and verbalizing to others "What have I done?"  This company is annal, micromanages and honestly treats it's employee's like children.  During the interveiw I was asked what my current company would say about me.  Luckily I had a good Jan-May.  Oct to Dec was not good and I was honest about my falling asleep at work.  They valued my honesty.  

I head to the first day of my job mostly to observe. I saw their summer programs which are located in 3 portables.  I see the HS program, the elementary program, and the middle school program.  During the middle school program they put a movie in, turned off the lights and I fell asleep(I did this in a theater too).  The head person there, takes a picture of me and sends it to the boss.  Strike 1.  At the end of the day, I speak with my trainer and complain a little about all the extra things that this company requires and is annal about that I know that all other companies in the area do not do.  The next day I show up on time and in 15 minutes am back home with a check to put in the bank.  Yep I was fired.   I didn't protest, but said OK, took the check and left. Was I sad?  Yes, oh yes.  Did I realize what I had done?  Yes.  Oh, my life would of been so much better off financially and I could of taken months of my get out of debt plan.

The next day I called my old boss, I had not completely left the company, so asked if I could be full time again.  I learned Friday evening at 5 just as I was about to leave for a 5 day weekend at mom's that yes, there was a job for me- in Gooding,  a  45 minute drive from Twin and it was with a difficult 16 year old girl.  I was NOT happy because of that, but also because school had already started, so I would need to be back to work on Monday. Bye bye vacation!

I immediately enter depressed, distraught, anger, faithless mode.  How could heavenly Father do this to me, I thought. Nothing is matching up- the dichotomy of my patriarchal blessing and my life is a 180.   How much does He expect me to go through?  I realize I did this to myself.  I can't take much more and really need to be thrown a bone.

I was back at that place where I had been earlier in my life, where I wanted to throw rocks at God.  Ridiculous visual, huh?  Paleeeeese!  I did not think him keeping me single was kind, merciful or just and I demanded my blessings NOW!  Yes, I was like a two year old throwing a tantrum and every good parent knows to walk away and not give them any attention.  God is the best parent of all so he did not listen or condemn.

I did however get out of it.  I because happy with being single- something I did not want.  I wanted to be happy married, not single. But I did finally get happy.  How did I do it?  I think this is how:

I had been taught at institute to study the scripture looking for the qualities and attributes of the Godhead as described in Lectures on Faith. I had marked those 12 qualities and attributes and many more in many sets of  scriptures with a specific color for a  decade at least.  Doing this is suppose to make your faith grow in God and His Son.  Also, I had been collecting my blessings, by having them recorded, transcribed, etc.  As the years increased I had a total of 17 promises of marriage and family and I began to believe in my evidences that could not be seen,  at the same time being OK with it not happening in this life.  Another strange dichotomy.  Hebrews 11:1,  Helaman 5: 50

Here I was again, in 2012, with the same issue.  I felt as if I could not trust and rely on those promises any longer.  I needed new ones.  I was growing my faith once again from the start. The seed was that one promise in the patriarchal blessing and I needed other evidences to make my faith sure. However with the many blessings I received since leaving WA, NONE said anything about marriage and family.  It has burdened me greatly.  I do not know what to have faith in, what to hope for, where to put my focus, what to do. I needed HELP!  I even went to my bishop about getting a second patriarchal blessing. My grandmother had her second one years ago. 

I'm driving to my mom's house and the thought comes to me about Abraham and Sarah. I had always puzzled at Abraham going to sacrafice Isaac because:
1. He himself was on an altar ready to be sacrificed but was rescued by Jehovah (Abraham 1:7, 12, 16)
2. He had been so faithful in waiting for Isaac to be born- a long hard wait- that in and of itself a trial of faith and the promised birthright son had come and in him was all the blessings and covenants going to be fulfilled. 

I learned a few years ago, (pre-Jason) how and why Abraham could have that kind of faith.
1. Abraham KNEW GOD, spoke with him face to face (Abraham 3:11), and he trusted him.
2. Abraham  had seen his day (John 8:56) and knew that God was able to raise him from the dead (Hebrews 11: 17-19
3.  Abraham himself had been rescued, perhaps Isaac would be rescued too.  (speculation)

See, not being married and having children was my Abrahamic trial.  It was.  It really was.  And I found myself again experiences the same trial and test.  I was sarcastic and bitter as I had been. I  started to wonder if Abraham and Sarah had put time limits on the Lord as I was doing. Did they still believe at 40, at 50, at 60, at 70 that Isaac would come and then to go and kill the fulfillment of prophecy, their miracle, their blessing? 

I knew that I could not put time limits on God either. I would need to trust in his timing, just as Neal A. Maxwell had said was included with faith.

Perhaps my ram in the thicket will come, perhaps not. Perhaps I, like the early saints need to be tried even as Abraham.  (D&C 101:4)  The faithful become the seed of Abraham (D&C 138: 41) and I want the Celestial Kingdom, so I am working on waiting on the Lord and having faith.  In the mean time, regardless of what happens, if I become a wife and mother in this life or not I have a plan.  It is a traveling plan based on my love of animals. I'm hoping this will give me some motivation to not spend.  

I want to go to: 
1. The Okaniwa Acquarium to see Whale Sharks

2. The Guadalapos Island to see these: 

3. Australia to see some of these creatures. 

That is living Jason, not going to movies or drinking Starbucks hot chocolates!

A Trial of Faith

You know that Preach My Gospel attribute questionnaire?  We'll I did it today and I only wanted to answer 15 of the 57 statements.  You rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 5 on faith, hope, charity and love, virtue, knowledge, patience, humility, diligence and obedience.  I've done it in RS a few times in the past and even at home and normally it's filled out completely, with mostly fours and fives.  1 means never and 5 means always. If you'd like to do it yourself click here, then go to page 126. 

I've had a difficult month the last four or so weeks.  I've cried most of the way home from work some days,  thinking that if the next 40 years is anything like the last (almost) 40 years then forget it.

I've had a few blessings from Mike my brother in law.  One said that my financial problems were a trial of my faith.  That surprised me when he said it.  The one he gave me most recently told me to fast, pray, attend the temple and most likely  read the scriptures.  Most of my endowed life I've gone to the temple every week or at least every 10 days.  But here, it's been only monthly or longer. I've made a concerted effort to increase in that.  I went Saturday and as the time was getting closer, I found myself not wanting to go.  I told Heavenly Father that I was going out of obedience and duty.  That's all he could expect from me that day.

In he temple as soon as the lights went off I broke into tears. Then when it was over and we were all to head to the veil, I broke down again.  I was in the last row this time so lots of time to wait.   It was serious crying and one sister sitting next to me grabbed me including my face and held me to her.  She just let me cry.  The sister on the other side put her hand on my arm and cried with me.   It was just what I needed.  None of them asked me in the Celestial Room what was wrong, they just said they hopped it got better.  Other women gave me hugs  and said they were praying for me.

The beginning of this week, when my pay check was SO low, due to a week of spring break I was looking at my bank account and when I was almost done, the pains in my chest started again. There was a direct correlation for the first time.  It was due to stress.

The single adult scene is so stupid here.  There has been some very high school stuff going on with people in their 30's and 40's.   I realized that If I ever want that to improve  my social life I'll have to move to another area where it has a higher population.  But then I also realized that if I won't be getting married it doesn't matter where I live. The problem is I have no definitive answer, no pre-knowledge.  In my logical moments, when I'm not crying  I think that I need to find something to bring me happiness if not. But in my tears I think who cares.  I can just be a social recluse and hibernate in my home.

Today I got this terrible hair cut for 11 dollars at Great Cuts- you know that cheep place they don't even wash your hair, just spray it down with a water bottle.   I just feel like I'll never be pretty again and why even try.  Things don't look good from any angel (as explained above). 


I'm still angry at Jason and the Twitchell's for how STUPID they have all been. I'm in this butt load of crap and Jason just leaves every marriage with nothing and starts over again, not having to pay any one anything. I can try and get a lawyer and garnish his wages or unemployment.  Other than that I can do NOTHING but sit here and suffer and keep going on because what else am I going to do.

Why did Heavenly Father give me this life.  I know I screwed up by getting sexually involved with Jason and then marrying him, but before.... As my counselor (named Jason) told me with my years of  singleness, loneliness it's almost like I had to.  But the 20 years before all this.  Those disabilities haven't helped either. And they were disabling.  

The other thing is that I don't enjoy my job.  I get involved with the kids in the classroom that I'm not suppose to and then I get SO frustrated  with them for being SO STUPID, SO DISOBEDIENT.  I just want to spank them, to hit them on the head with an empty water bottle.  I want to tell them they they will be lucky if they aren't pregnant by the time they are 13, or that they most likely  will be gay, or that they have learning disabilities, or squeeze their cheeks and tell them everything I think of them, or that they wear their closes so low I can see their butt crack every day or where that style came from and what it means to be on the "down low". But I don't, because I know I can't, that it's wrong and that I'd loose my job.   But do you see what a bad state I'm in?  I don't feel this way all the time, but sometimes, like today, I even cried about it at recess when no one could see me.

So the list of things that are bad, go to my looks, my health, my job, my lack of a support system, etc. I don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.  It may take 9 years to get out of debt completely. NINE YEARS!  

How does one go to school to change their career when one can't afford to pay her bills? I don't even know what I should do- that is feasible in the beginning and in the end.

I just don't have the motivation for exercise.

I'm teaching the 16 year old's in Sunday School, and I've taught a few FHE lessons that were stimulating (compared to others).  

Some day I suppose this will all get better and I'll actually like myself and my life and I will be able to answer all the 57 attributes with 4's and 5's,  but for now I just try to keep my head out of water.